Author Topic: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..  (Read 6518 times)

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brandynd

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I’m sorry for infringing, as I know most women on this site probably are not a big fan of DIL’s “lurking”.  I do, however, have a genuine problem, and I don’t want to bring it up on some of the other sites on the web, just to have women tell me what an awful MIL I have.  I just want an unbiased opinion.
DH and I got married almost a month ago to the day.  We’ve been together for 3 years, and we’ve always gotten along well.  MIL has always had an issue with me, and why I’m not really sure.  She goes out of her way to make me uncomfortable, and publicly humiliates me every chance that she gets.  She threw a fit about paying for a rehearsal dinner for our wedding.  If it was a money thing I would understand, but she can afford to go on a major vacation every 3 months, so DH didn’t see a problem with asking her to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  When he called her to ask her if she was going to handle it, she responded to him by saying some pretty hurtful things about my family and how they weren’t contributing enough to the wedding.  She went so far as to call my parents white trash, and even suggested that they pay for it themselves.  My father was laid off after an accident 4 months ago, and my parents helped pay for half of our wedding expenses…
It didn’t stop there.  Her antics at my wedding were atrocious….and she didn’t have a single drink in her.  First she kept making comments about one of my BM’s, saying how she was so beautiful, and she always thought that DH would end up with a pretty blonde.  She also invited DH’s ex girlfriend to our wedding (without my knowledge), and then went on to talk to anyone who would listen to her about how “my baby used to date Miss *****” (I really don’t want to name the state, I’d rather not go into that).  I wound up spending a good hour and a half of my wedding reception crying.  It isn’t that I’m insecure.  I’m okay with the fact that DH used to date a woman who most people would consider much more attractive than me.  That’s ok, because there’s so much more to people than looks, and if he wanted her, he’d still be with her.  It was just so hurtful to have somebody saying things like that on what was supposed to be one of the most special days of my life.
The latest happened about a week ago.  She decided to throw my SIL a birthday dinner at the last minute, which I couldn’t go to because I work evenings and getting time off is difficult at best even with advanced notice.  DH told her it would just be him coming because I would be at work, and to that she replied “Oh, that’s okay.  I just wanted to have family there anyway.”
I don’t understand.  I have never had someone dislike me so strongly.  I’ve tried so hard to be okay with DH’s mom and who she is, but it’s getting to the point where I LOATHE going to family events, because I know she’ll find one way or another to make me feel bad about myself.  I’m going to risk sounding like a child for a second when I say it just isn’t fair.  My family LOVES my husband.  They have since day 1.  It breaks my heart that he got to marry into a family who embraces him for who he is, while I have in-laws who are on a good day luke-warm.
I just don’t know what to do.  It seems like everyone else I know ended up with a MIL who they adore, while I’ve gotten to the point that I’d rather have a root canal without anesthetic than be stuck in a room with mine.  I hate the position this is putting DH in, and I’d never make him choose, but I don’t know how much more I can take.

2chickiebaby

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2010, 07:58:27 PM »
This is so sad, Brandy.  I am so very sorry for you, for your husband and I feel badly for your MIL, who is digging a hole for herself that she will not likely get out of.  She is creating a battle ground for herself.

If it wasn't so late here right now, I'd try to be of more help but we have some DILs on board here that I think could at least identify with what you're saying.  I know you're doing your best right now.  How sad this is. 

I'll talk to you tomorrow and I do hope you feel welcome here.   :)

Hope

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2010, 09:31:05 PM »
Brandy,
You have every reason to feel hurt.  It's a real shame that your mil doesn't appreciate you for the person you are and welcome you into her family.  By treating you this way, she not only makes you feel bad, but she is putting her DS in an akward position.  I liked your comment in reference to Miss **** whom your dh once dated, "if he wanted her, he’d still be with her" - it shows your true strength.   8)   Inner beauty is much more important than outer beauty.  What good is physical attractiveness if it is selfish or mean? 

There is no need for your mil to be unkind - it seems like bullying to me.  This is not acceptable treatment.  Have you considered talking to your dh about how it makes you feel when your mil treats you this way?  Perhaps your dh could talk to your mil and let her know that he does not approve of her treatment toward you.  Then if her poor behavior continues, you and your dh would have to come to an agreement of a consequence - such as once she treats you in this manner, you will both make a quick exit (you could have an agreed upon signal).  It is important to have your dh's understanding and support.  It's not that you want to come between him and his dm, but come on, she is being down right vulgar! 

Other posts on this site suggest that you not show weakness because bullies will feed on weakness.  If you plan in advance and try to think of something that makes you feel proud of yourself and strong so that you can recall that thought when you are being ridiculed, that will help give you the stance of strength.  Don't react. Bullies want a reaction as it rewards them, and thus they continue, or as Dobson says, "If there is no reaction, bullying's no fun".  You can respond, but not react: No screaming, no bursting into tears, no fighting back.  You can act as if the taunts are childish.  Stay calm and controlled.  It also helps to keep a journal. 

You are very articulate and resourceful (after all - you found this site)!  I only make these suggestions with the desire to help.  My suggestions are just that - suggestions.  You must follow your own heart.

Hugs, Hope

Orly

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2010, 10:01:59 PM »
Keep posting and dialoguing with the ladies. You are going to get support here and you'll read something that eases your mind. 

 Right now you are adjusting to married life....and your MIL is adjusting to YOUR married life.  A month into your journey....you are still working out the dynamics of combining two families into something resembling a whole, or just balancing the two.

cremebrulee

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2010, 02:33:31 AM »
Hi There Brandy and Welcome
I am sorry this is happening to you...as Orley said, you are adjusting to married life, being a new wife...so there are an awful lot of adjustments to be made.  However, your MIL does sound like a bully, and if I may suggest, it isn't you...I personally think, even if your DH would have married that beautiful blond, she would be the same way.  She sounds like she had pretty much control over your husband, and now subconsciously realizes, it isn't going to be that way any longer, and shouldn't be.  Try not to feel badly, b/c I'm certain your MIL was like this all her life...sounds like she's always been a princess and used to having her way.

That doesn't make her snyd remarks any less painful or excusable...but if you can, start adapting to the fact that she is who she is, and it may never change.  DH loves you, he chose you, and that is something she's going to have to acclimate to, if she ever does. 

As time goes by, and you and DH do discuss this, never, ever get into an argument about it...or take things he says, like he is defending her and not you...he is caught in the middle...raised all his life to respect his mother...that is called conditioning which we all have had.  However, when you discuss this issue, listen to him...and only ask of him to do the same. 

Perhaps you two could eventually go to counseling together for a little while, just until he views your point of view and how hurtful this is for you.  And remember, as hurtful as it is for you, it is also hurtful to him...all our son's want is peace, and for his family to accept and love they're wives...


It is very important for him to eventually if not sooner, discuss this with his mother and let her know, that you are his wife, and he expects nothing less then respect from her when she talks to you, that you are family now, and she is going to have to accept that...and if she  doesn't by her own choice, she is going to drive a wedge between he and her and it won't be a good thing.  Perhpas eventually you can all go to counseling together...however, maybe not...in the meantime,weigh out the things she says, and do stand up for yourself...perhpas when she says things that are unacceptable, say to her, excuse me, that is unacceptable and hurtful...

I know one of my girlfriends did that in the beginning, and it worked, however, you must weigh the entire situation and from your heart react...b/c every situation and person is different...in the meantime, let hubby know how hurtful this is....and discuss, never argue...and ask him if there is anything you could do.  Ask him if he thinks you should stand up to her...don't allow this to put a strain on your marriage.

Love and hugs
Creme

Marilyn

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2010, 10:17:59 AM »
Welcome Brandy,first i would like to extend a heart felt hug to you.And we are a fan to any Dil that is hurting and feeling distress.I'm so very sorry your special day was ruined by your MIL's unacceptable behaviour,and her uncalled for and hurtful remarks.I agree with what Creme told you.Your hubby needs to know,and you do need to stand up to her.As most of us here know,when things like this happens,your not expecting this, and your just in shock and speechless.If you can get this worked out now,and are able to be assertive with her,will save you a lot more heart ache in the future.

Please keep us posted,and know you have all our support

brandynd

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2010, 12:34:33 PM »
Hey ladies, I’m back….I was writing my post last night while I was working late, and I read over it this morning and realized that this probably all sounds like it’s coming out of nowhere.  I guess I’m so used to the way that things are that I forget to start from the beginning…
Forgive me, this is probably going to be a bit longwinded, and I don’t mean to sound like I’m attacking my MIL, so if it comes across that way I do apologize.  I’m just at my wits end, and I can feel my patience dwindling.
 The bad behavior from my MIL started shortly after DH and I got engaged.  I was living with them temporarily, because after I left my sorority my so called “best friend” kicked me out of our house, and my parents lived 2 hours away from campus.  I couldn’t really afford to get an apartment on my own just yet, so DH offered to let me come live in their guest room for a while.
The night we came home from him proposing to me, she took my engagement ring right off of my finger and demanded to examine it.  I chalked this up to her excitement over the engagement, but then she started complaining about how she and DH’s sisters didn’t get to go to the restaurant with him when he proposed. 
When DH and I found a house to move into, she threw a fit because he was moving out, and therefore could not pay her mortgage anymore.  I’m not even embellishing on this, which is the sad part.  My DH was working his way through college and simultaneously supporting his 50 y/o mother, who is in perfect health.  She sold her home shortly after, and then got upset because DH didn’t want her to come live with us and be our “roommate.”  She blamed the whole thing on me, when all her son wanted was to be allowed to be an adult.  I had nothing to do with his decision, as when it comes to anything having to do with “momma” I usually keep my mouth shut.  I’m horrible with confrontation.
Fast-forward to a week before the wedding.  Every day during our wedding week she called my husband an average of seven times a day.  I understand keeping a close relationship with your FOO, but how many mothers on this site can honestly tell me that there is nothing wrong with calling your child half a dozen times in an 8 hour period?  I would not mind this at all if it weren’t for the fact that while she was doing this we were both running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get last minute details done.  And it wasn’t even her calling to offer to help, or to get important information from him.  She actually told him that she felt like a little piece of her was dying on the inside.  When I heard her say that my jaw just dropped.  I had no response for that one.
I should probably add in that DH and I had to cancel our original wedding because of her, which was to take place a month before the wedding we had.  DH’s father was killed in a car accident last summer, and we didn’t feel right about having a big wedding without his dad, who was a wonderful man.  (I feel like I should go ahead and let everyone know that FIL and MIL divorced 21 years ago).  Anyways, we had everything booked, and had agreed to pay MIL’s way for the wedding, and that she could pay us back at a later time.  After we had her trip booked, she called back and switched her reservation to the highest room class at the resort, which cost $2000 more than DH’s and I’s entire trip!  We told her we could not afford this, and she threw a fit saying she just wouldn’t go to the wedding.  After 2 months of arguing, we finally cancelled our destination wedding, and plan a local wedding at home.  We got a phone call last week saying that we needed to pay DH’s sister the money for MIL’s deposit on the upgraded room, because she had put it on my SIL’s credit card.  No way, that’s not happening.
Which brings me up to the wedding day fiasco, which I’ve already told you all about.  I’ve come to realize that there is no getting through to this woman, and I don’t even want to try anymore.  The best I can hope for is that by continuing to be cordial to her she will someday extend me the same courtesy.  I’m afraid what will happen when DH and I decide to have children.  I won’t keep her from being a part of their lives, but I really don’t want my children to be around her when she exhibits this type of neurotic behavior.  Reading through this it sounds so petty, and I don’t mean it to.  I guess there are some things that just can’t come out as pleasant and nice, no matter how you try to word them.  I’ve tried repeatedly to find some justification for her behavior, but I just can’t.  I feel like I can’t do anything right.  I just want to be able to HAVE a relationship with my MIL, and not feel like I’m walking on eggshells every time I’m in her presence. 
Any MIL’s on here up for a MIL/DIL swap? Hahaha.

cremebrulee

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2010, 12:49:43 PM »
without dissecting what you've written, I'm going to say, most assuredly, that you have to take charge...your MIL will be your children's grandmother, however, that doesn't entitle her to anything after acting this way.

Brandy, how does your husband feel about all of this...it really seems like you do have a handle on things, but how is this effecting your marriage...what does he say about it?

Every situation you speak of, isn't at all a simple misunderstanding...she, your MIL has some serious problems and expected her son to keep taking care of her...that is what she is envious about...you've taken away her free ride...I say tough!

And by the way, you have a right to feel the way you do, and it is valid...a mother who loves, wouldn't act like this...and cause all this trouble...this is some kind of personality disorder...and I'm wondering if the other ladies here agree....this to me, is one of those abnormal situations that never goes away...and I'm so so sorry your going thru this...I know your frustrations, the feelings of rejection, hurt, anger...we all do...so, don't believe for one moment this is foolish b/c your feelings are important...

and know, that we as Mil's are pretty sharp...doesn't mean we dislike DIL's, not in the least...especially one as yourself....you shouldn't have to be living this nightmare...and I would if I were you, do my best to council with DH as much as possible....

I'm worried there are a lot of problems your husband has developed due to her...please tell me I'm wrong...

Is he able to stand up and be counted, or is he afraid, b/c she is his mother?


« Last Edit: March 13, 2010, 12:54:16 PM by cremebrulee »

brandynd

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2010, 01:20:44 PM »
DH knows that his mom is difficult.  He does his best to keep her in check, but there’s only so much that he can do before she throws things back in his face.  He has a hard time with standing up to her, because he doesn’t want to alienate her, as she’s the only living parent he has left.  I really don’t like to talk about it with DH, because every time I bring it up, it comes across like I am attacking her, which isn’t at all what I’m doing, but it’s very difficult not to get emotional.
The problem that he does have, though, is accepting the fact that since we’re married now, our family (ha and I) is what needs to come first.  I understand that the FOO is still important, but now that we’re married, I expect to be his number one priority, as he is now mine.  I don’t want to play second fiddle to his mother for the rest of her life. 
I’ve been talking with my priest about this a great deal, as well as a senior couple at our parish, who we did our FOCCUS training with before we were married.  This is an issue that has been ongoing throughout our time together as a couple and I’ve found that through having the support of them it’s made it more bearable for me to handle the things that are happening.  It doesn’t make it easy though.  The only real sense of support I have from DH’s side of the family (aside from him) is my BIL who also married into the family and knows how MIL is.  The words of advice that he offered to me were to paste a smile on my face, and when she starts going on and on to just tune her out, and every once in a while nod. 
We’ll see what happens.  We just put a bid on a house, and MIL is already going on about how her lease is up soon (she ended up selling her home) and she wants to move in with us.  If this continues I will not keep my mouth shut.  I don’t think it is appropriate for her to be living with us, when she is still fully capable of taking care of herself.  Hopefully this cleared up my last post a bit for you!

cremebrulee

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2010, 02:38:43 PM »
I honestly dread the thought of her coming to live with you, it wouldn't be a healthy environment, and she'd have you two going round and round...she doesn't need to be living with you...that is so wrong...

Gosh, I'm so sorry to say, however, there are so many people out there who are so selfish and mean...

please know your in our thoughts and prayers...stay tough and come in and vent anytime...

Hugs

Marilyn

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2010, 03:11:15 PM »
Brandy,Oh my,your Mil is very overbearing! :(

I think you would really benefit by going to counselling.Even if it's just you going at first,then see if you could get your husband to go with you.He is still grieving the loss of his father,so i'm sure this is a very uncomfortable situation for him.Some times it takes a third party to be able to see things more clearly.

Sending prayers,and a hug

Offline luise.volta

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2010, 06:00:07 PM »
There is no infringement...we renamed our forum WiseWomenUnite because so many DILs joined us. We love you!

I was hated by my mother the moment I was born because I wasn't the boy-baby she thought would save her marriage. And when I married Val 20 years ago, his son and DIL hated me before they met me because I was after his money. (What money?)

It's heartbreaking to be invisible and hated for no reason whatsoever...and never given a chance.

I'd create distance. ASAP!
« Last Edit: March 13, 2010, 08:35:33 PM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #12 on: March 15, 2010, 01:51:56 PM »
DH knows that his mom is difficult.  He does his best to keep her in check, but there’s only so much that he can do before she throws things back in his face.  He has a hard time with standing up to her, because he doesn’t want to alienate her, as she’s the only living parent he has left.  I really don’t like to talk about it with DH, because every time I bring it up, it comes across like I am attacking her, which isn’t at all what I’m doing, but it’s very difficult not to get emotional.
The problem that he does have, though, is accepting the fact that since we’re married now, our family (ha and I) is what needs to come first.  I understand that the FOO is still important, but now that we’re married, I expect to be his number one priority, as he is now mine.  I don’t want to play second fiddle to his mother for the rest of her life. 
I’ve been talking with my priest about this a great deal, as well as a senior couple at our parish, who we did our FOCCUS training with before we were married.  This is an issue that has been ongoing throughout our time together as a couple and I’ve found that through having the support of them it’s made it more bearable for me to handle the things that are happening.  It doesn’t make it easy though.  The only real sense of support I have from DH’s side of the family (aside from him) is my BIL who also married into the family and knows how MIL is.  The words of advice that he offered to me were to paste a smile on my face, and when she starts going on and on to just tune her out, and every once in a while nod. 
We’ll see what happens.  We just put a bid on a house, and MIL is already going on about how her lease is up soon (she ended up selling her home) and she wants to move in with us.  If this continues I will not keep my mouth shut.  I don’t think it is appropriate for her to be living with us, when she is still fully capable of taking care of herself.  Hopefully this cleared up my last post a bit for you!
thelaststraw, welcome!  I would sit down with my husband and have a long talk about this situation before it comes up.  I would explain to him your feelings, exactly as you have stated them here - that you accept her as family, but absolutely can't have her living with you, because it appears she doesn't accept your marriage yet.  I thought your post explaining this was very well put, and wouldn't imagine it coming across as an attack.  I'm hoping he will see it the same way, and would even consider giving him a copy.   If you are suspicious she is planning to move in, I would explain that to him and put your heads together to try to head her off at the pass.  She may be looking for ways to manipulate him into letting this happen.  I would even make some sort of back-up agreement, where if she comes up at the last minute with a hard luck story, you will find a place to put her temporarily.  I don't know how finances are, but check the homeless shelters in your area, if you can't afford a hotel (of course this is a last resort idea)  - I know this sounds really harsh, but you both need to consider the ways she is trying to exert control over your marriage (which she is not a part of).  She may not try again after realizing that she can't move in on you, and be more willing to look at options for herself. 

I know I will probably get alot of arguments for saying that, and I'm sorry if that's the case, but I started out with some stronger ideas that I've toned down to a more reasonable stance.  I'm sorry.  I just believe if you and your husband do not put up a very strong united front (maybe even stronger than most couples), you may regret it later.  Sometimes it takes a little time to adjust for some MIL's, but they usually mellow out over time - this may still happen. Your husband knows his mother better than anyone.  Ask him how far he believes she will take this, and take every precaution you can as a couple to get her to see that you are indeed a separate entitiy.  I would remind him also, that since he knows her very well, she also knows him just as well.  I would consider that too, when looking at what she may do.  A good reaction may have to surprise her to get her attention. 

I believe it's really up to your husband to talk to her, with you at his side (hence the united front), but I also think that when I am dealing with someone who is so strong willed and controlling, a back-up plan in place helps.  I doesn't sound to me like she is considerate of the family unit you have both created together, and the future you deserve - without her involvement to that extent...

I'm sorry if I upset anyone.  This is just how I feel, short of putting tacks in her chairs to make staying in my home uncomfortable.

Some of these ideas are probably extreme, but I hope you put your heads together and think of something.  Consider the element of surprise.  She doesn't seem to realize your DH is a grown man now with a family unit of his own.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2010, 02:43:31 PM by cocobars »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #13 on: March 15, 2010, 03:07:41 PM »
I agree that it is time to be your own advocates. To lie down and let yourselves be run over is self-destructive, it seems to me. If you don't take care of yourselves, who's going to? When I told my son one time that I was helpless (I forget now what it was about) and there was nothing I could do...he told me there are always choices...we just don't want to face the consequences. I would stand tall and take charge...before she does. Sending love!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

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Re: This sounds ridiculous, but I'm fairly certain MIL hates me..
« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2010, 04:16:10 AM »
Coco, is right to suggest that hubby talk to his mother with you by his side, however, I do know for a fact, that is so much easier said then done. 

Men don't like to stand up to they're mothers...most of them can't.  They were raised to respect they're mothers and from what it sounds like, your MIL had full control and while growing up, your hubby probably experienced some fear factors, which kept him in tow...which is probably present today...and I know that is difficult for young wives to understand...it's not that they don't feel your #1.....it's just simply because I believe they feel disloyal to they're mothers if they do...due to being raised to respect adults...

This is two women fighting over the same man...and it's just like a love triangle...putting hubby/son in the middle, which is so frustrating for a man....and so difficult, and it does weigh on the marriage....

When I discussed my situation with my son the last time, he was so frustrated....so sad...all our son's husbands want is for us to get along...My son told me, which is true...women are vile....something sets us off, and things keep escalating from there...everything that happens from then on, is another strik against them...and then we actually percieve in our minds, that she is purposely trying to hurt us. 

I would firmly suggest counseling...especially if it is suggested that this woman come to live with you....your husband has to understand, you are not attacking his mother...you are trying to preserve your marriage.  He must understand, that this person isn't your mother and you were not raised like this...and that you love him with all your heart, however, you will do everything you can to avoid problmes in your marriage.  He must understand, you don't hate his mother, you HATE her behavior and her behavior is selfish and effects the lives of others in a very negative way.  He must learn how to deal with her and this is where counseling comes in....plus, no matter who she is, just b/c she is his mother, doesn't entitle her to expect people to pay her way...

You should have never canceled your destination wedding, and I suggest, that just the two of you someday plan another destination wedding, of your choice...invite no one else....

A friend at work did that...they didn't want anyone else there...they went to an island and got married on the beach...and she said, she wouldn't have changed it for the world....society breeds us to believe we must have these huge weddings, with all the frills, and it is so stressful...all the worry, getting all the bridesmaids together, the fights with mom and MIL....whose going to pay for what....it's just not worth it...when you could take that money and have a beautiful ceremony somewhere by yourselves, with no stress....

But I know a lot of young girls today don't agree...and parents seem to want to run the show, b/c they're paying for it...and then inlaws get upset, b/c they are expected to pay for so much of it, and it turns into a civil war....however, I do know that some weddings go very well...and work out just fine....but the expense is what bothers me...and so many young people expect huge weddings...

anyway, sorry, I got off track....

what I would do, is get your husband into couseling...there is a gal here who was having a lot of problems with her MIL, same as you, and before they got engaged, she insisted on going to counseling...

Isitme...please chime in and help this girl understand what I'm saying, as I don't always come off to clear....help me out, will you?

I believe Isitme's words would help you much more then mine...

I hope it all works out...keep the faith and understand, this woman has always been this way, and it's not you...she is simply devoid of understanding, the feelings of others...and doesn't care as long as she is getting her way....

Hugs
Creme
« Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 04:24:46 AM by cremebrulee »