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Help ME! I'm Drowning

Started by cocobars, March 12, 2010, 04:50:10 PM

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Marilyn

Coco,how far away is the metro station from your home?Maybe you could tell them you got a hotel for them,so they would be in walking distance during the day,to see the sites.And you will pick them up when you get off work,so they can spend time with your Mom and Dad.

Also,can you share your feelings with your Mom about this?Would she understand your concerns?


Sending you a big hug

cocobars

March 13, 2010, 08:59:04 AM #31 Last Edit: March 13, 2010, 09:16:38 AM by cocobars
Renny, I agree with you!  The problem is that if she takes "inventory" she will come after them, like she did with his sister.  I have moved in (wow, almost four years ago now) and redid their house.  I combined my stiff with their stuff and it's impressive now.  Only the immediate family knows what "my stuff" is because they were given the items that were replaced.

I couldn't stand it this morning and had cried all night long.  I was so afraid they could create the same situation here...  I went to talk to them and was honest about my "ENTIRE" suspicions (long story), since my father's diagnosis and her sudden appearance on our face-book pages.  I was stupid, ignoring her myself and "thinking" everyone else saw what she was doing.  And they didn't.  My parents know nothing about computers so I thought they were safe.  But what I explained to them this morning (and my father is having a good clear day - thank God), is that just because people have "family" or "christian" surrounding their name, doesn't mean they are people you can trust.  So many people out there are taking advantage of senior citizens. Some of them are in our family and my parents have to face that or they may die the way my aunt did.  I know that was a harsh thing to say, but I'd been up all night thinking and crying.  I saw someone "taking aim."  The clincher - my father finally spoike up.  He agreed!  He said this is really worrying him and nobody wants to have to pay 1,000 for her hotel, much less, he said - he didn't want to see her ever again.  This surprised me, but it shouldn't have.  I was only surprised because he doesn't always think this clearly about things and comes to me with simple things like understanding letters and bills, and making arrangements and phone calls for them.  God gave him a clear day, when we needed it most!

Anyway he started talking about how he remembers how they wiggled in to Aunt Helen's life and gained her trust.  I had just explained to them how people who do this don't walk in and ask you to sign on this line, but they gain your trust and the trust of your family first.  It's a foot in the door.  He remembered everything!  I was in tears.  All of the sudden he remembered that his sister's are living in poverty because of all of this.  And he said this is how it all got started.

Longer story shorter, I called my sister IL (because my father already admitted that he called her last night without anyones knowledge and told her she couldn't come here - question answered about the call to my brother before I called him!).  He was more worried that she called my brother next.  My sisrer IL told her yes, because they didn't know the story.  My father and I had "stupidly" kept our mouths shut about what happened to my aunt.  I talked to my sister IL and filled her in.  She is now trying to call this cousin to cancel.  It may be too late.  I don't know how this is going to turn out.  I'm still working on it.  I believe I was stupid for keeping my mouth shut.

I need a hug or 10

cocobars

March 13, 2010, 09:02:10 AM #32 Last Edit: March 13, 2010, 09:28:51 AM by cocobars
Quote from: Mominwaiting on March 13, 2010, 08:53:19 AM
Coco,how far away is the metro station from your home?Maybe you could tell them you got a hotel for them,so they would be in walking distance during the day,to see the sites.And you will pick them up when you get off work,so they can spend time with your Mom and Dad.

Also,can you share your feelings with your Mom about this?Would she understand your concerns?

Sending you a big hug
I believe that makes sense, MIW.  I'm hoping now that my father and I have both aired our feelings and are in agreement, we can stop her arrival.  If not, that may be our only option.  The metro station is still within walking distance to the house though - if she's reallly money hungry and desperate.  About a mile and a half.  My father and I were both sealing our lips thinking we were alone in our fears of this woman, until I couldn't stand it and went to talk to them this morning.  He is aparently as afraid as I am.  He knows he has bad days that someone like her can take advantage of - he saw it happen to his sister.  I'm happy he remembers.

Keep you posted.  Thank you all so much!  Please keep us in your prayers!  I'll do what I can here!  I feel stupid for keeping my mouth shut...

Pen

Good luck, Coco. You kept your mouth shut because that is the classy thing to do. It sounds like now that you've spoken up to the right people you've got support and agreement. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it's so awkward and frightening.

My SM is like that - ran over before anyone else and took all the valuable things from my GM to whom she's not even related. When she comes to visit us she scopes out the one or two things I was given with greed in her eyes, like she's saying "How did I miss that?" This is the same woman who took over my dad's finances when they married. I don't understand people like that.

Please take care of yourself - you have a lot going on these days, and these people are not worth your sanity or your health. {{{hugs}}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

Thank you Pen!  This just came out of the blue!  I knew she was trying to get friendly with the family, but didn't think it was going here, now!  I'm suspicious now of her timing.  I've been here for two months not working.  The kind of job assignments I take are ones I can't take off of once I'm comitted.  This one will end sometime mid April.  This visit was timed perfectly on her part.  I've been dumb and blind. 

I'm opening my mouth now.  My father and I need to share what happened to my aunt with the rest of the family.  It's time.

Thank you for the hug.  I really needed that! 

Marilyn

Coco,I'm thrilled you talked to your father,and your SIL understands too.That has to be a relief for you.
Please dont feel stupid Coco,just like penstamen said,that is the classy thing to do.

I hope you can get in touch with them before they leave.Maybe you could just tell them it's not a good time for them to visit.

I'm keeping you in my prayers,and sending lots of hugs your way.

cocobars

Quote from: Mominwaiting on March 13, 2010, 09:40:05 AM
Coco,I'm thrilled you talked to your father,and your SIL understands too.That has to be a relief for you.
Please dont feel stupid Coco,just like penstamen said,that is the classy thing to do.

I hope you can get in touch with them before they leave.Maybe you could just tell them it's not a good time for them to visit.

I'm keeping you in my prayers,and sending lots of hugs your way.
Thanks MIW.  The ball is in my SIL's park.  My father (unknown to me at the time) had called and cancelled on this cousin last night.  That explained why she made that phone call I was suspicious about.  My SIL said yes, not knowing what was going on.  I'm so proud of my father for doing that.  He kept his mouth shurt though and didn't admit it - was up worring all night like I was, in different parts of the house! 

Thank you for your prayers and hugs!  The are much needed and appreciated.  I hope there is light at the end of this tunnel.  I'll keep working.

renny97

March 13, 2010, 09:46:30 AM #37 Last Edit: March 13, 2010, 09:48:54 AM by renny97
Hard to think like predators do. They prey on a vulnerable time. I initially was hoping for a fam
link. But, it soon becomes clear their motivation.

There is usually a reason for years of absence.

God Bless, your father. He never forgot that. They couldn't make an effort sooner than 20 years,
it is highly suspicious.

Orly

Coco,
Ok, blunt talking time has arrived.  Your father doesn't want them to visit, you are scared they are going to try and manipulate your mom or dad into signing away their assets, you are afraid they are going to be "casing" your home.

  This is when you have to be to the point and rude if need be....tell them they aren't welcome to come visit.  Rescind the invitation on your doorstep if you have to, but please tell these cousins to leave.  Manners do not and should not matter when you are dealing with criminals, which I firmly believe you are dealing with.

Do not worry where the heck they are going to stay...it shouldn't be at your house, your SIL's house or anyone's that you love.  They can sleep at the metro station if they can't afford a place (which I doubt), or they can call the local POLICE for the traveler's aid number and Traveler's Aid can give them a place to stay and a meal for the night.  They didn't and don't care for the family that were scammed out of their sister's loving rememberances. 

Explain to your Mother that it isn't a good idea to have them over to visit....this isn't a family reconnection...this is an assault on everyone's life, and you don't want to see your Father and Mother end up like your Auntie.  I strongly believe you are having these dread feelings because you KNOW deep down the cousins are up to no good and that your PRIMAL LIZARD BRAIN IS TELLING YOU TO RUN.  Listen to that instinct.  Please! Please!  BE RUDE AND TELL THEM TO GO.

renny97

Amen, OR!!!! Love it!

Coco, I know it is hard to stop your manners, but this IS the time! And,
remember your INSTINCTS! You are a wonderful daughter!

They can get their "meal ticket" somewhere else.

cremebrulee

Coco, I gotta say, I agree whole heartidly with Orly...
you don't owe these people anything...and why should you care what they think? 

They do scare me, and I'm sorry if I scared you with some of my comments, but Orly is correct, these people are leaches and criminals...they don't care about family in the least...

You don't owe them anything...and you should have a talk with your mother, after all, this is your father's family not hers...so she to, needs to understand your father's feelings on this...that is a huge flag raiser...

My mother was just like yours...trusted everyone, and there were several people I know of who took advantage of her and took money off of her...long story....

so, I'm going to tell you what was told to me...there comes a point in your parent's lives, when you must take initiative and become the parent....

so, that's my 2 cents...

Your in my thoughts, but please listen to Orly, she is one very smart cookie...


Pen

Yup! Circle the wagons, Coco!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

renny97

 ;) Tell them you will decide in another 20 years!  ;) "Gee, sorry, you had to stay away sooooo
loooooong"!?  :'(

cocobars

After being up all night and talking to my father this morning, I agree with this!  I've not been so understanding today about her "trip," and I have had several talks already with my father (since he's having a clear day).  I spoke with my SIL and asked her to try to catch them and tell them "no."

I'm really afraid of her.  She's been building up to this and I've kept my mouth shut along with my father.  I'll be talking to the rest of the family today.  And, I warned my father that if she shows up here, I'm not going to be very popular and my mother isn't going to like me for awhile.  He smiled :'(

Thank you all so much for taking the time to try to help me with this.  I'm afraid it's not over, but I'm trying to gather some strength thanks to the wise support and gentle understanding I've gotten from you women.  I'm hoping I will be able to sleep again soon!  I'm just waiting for her arrival.  I have to call my SIL back to see if the trip was succesfully cancelled on their end. 

Hugging you all.

luise.volta

Hi Coco - I try to keep up but it's a lost cause...so all of you need to remember to send me a Personal Message when I am "conspicuous in my absence."

I see this as an invasion. Anyone descending without invitation is to be looked at closely. What the cousin's intent is no one can predict but her history is disturbing.

The issue, as I see it is authority...your mother saying yes and your dad saying no leaves the door halfway open. What is required is solidarity...someone (you) needs to create the position of "Chairman of the Board" and step up to the plate.

If they don't heed your father's mandate to not come, I would put them up in a hotel for a predetermined, limited stay because of what your mother did. I would pick a very seedy and uninteresting one without any credit in the restaurant, if one is part of the facility. And I would let them know that they will have to bear the full cost of any further visits, unless OKed by you in advance...which would be highly unlikely. Also I would not take them around to see the sights. Tell them you had no time to plan anything and simply can't "work it in."

Then, I would suggest that you call a summit conference with your parents. It needs to become "law" that any future decisions that impact everyone need to be run by you and that you have the final say. They are very lucky to have you!

What I have done to protect Kirk (and this really surprised him) is to get a Durable Power of Attorney For Finance. Most elders get a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care and that's all well and good...but "what if" I decided to take my meager savings and buy a new car because my judgment was off? It isn't easy to get Guardianship and have parents ruled incompetent but I think there as a gray-zone where that's not yet needed, and may never be...but a wiser person needs to have the authority to reign in a parent(s) take on reality. We/they don't necessarily see our budding limitations. That person also must keep close watch, of course, to be of any real use.

I got my forms online, had them notarized and just gave them to Kirk last week. He was stunned but I told him my closest friend needed an advocate when she became terminally ill, and nothing was in place. That proved to be very much to her disadvantage.

If any of this doesn't make sense, please get right back to me. Pinging you and Ponging the cousin!!!!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama