Author Topic: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me  (Read 4025 times)

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amflautist

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Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« on: December 06, 2011, 02:06:53 AM »
One of my friends wrote this yesterday - Loving your in-laws is a way to show your spouse that you love him. It can be a real challenge, but if you think of it as a gift of love to your spouse it is easier.

I have decided to apply this to my DIL - Loving my DIL will be a way to show my son that I love him. It will be a real challenge, but I am going to think of it as a gift of love to DS.


Sassy

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2011, 03:44:48 AM »
I understand!  I love my MIL.  Love can manifest itself it many ways.  I have love for my MIL in my heart, without a doubt.  But love does not mean I will sacrifice my, or my husband's, happiness to please her.  It took me a while to learn that I can love her, without having to do that.

Offline jdtm

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2011, 05:55:18 AM »
I won't say that I "love" our now ex-DIL, but I don't hate her either.  After all, she is the mother of our grandchildren and they do not need any more negativity or strife in their lives.  I do wish her peace and happiness in her new-found life and I thank God that she had the "presence of mind" to "leave" her children with their father (our son).  Even in pain and hurt, there can be some redemption and blessings.

Offline Glenda

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2011, 06:26:16 AM »
Hi amflautist!!  What a wonderful gift to your dil & ds, the gift of love.  :)

Shelby

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2011, 07:17:57 AM »
My hat is of to you, Amflautist. 


Loving your in-laws is a way to show your spouse that you love him.

I have decided to apply this to my DIL - Loving my DIL will be a way to show my son that I love him. It will be a real challenge, but I am going to think of it as a gift of love to DS.


Respecting and being civil and even cordial to my DIL is a way to show my son that I love him.  It IS a challenge - but it is a gift of love to DS.  I can do that - but love requires an open heart and I can't go there - at least not based on the facts to date.  I do admire you, Am for having an open heart still. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2011, 07:21:40 AM »
AM is definately a jewel! 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Doe

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2011, 07:36:50 AM »
I would love to hear your progress as you put this in place.  This is quite a project!

I tried something similar for a few years till DIL made it clear that my love wasn't on her 'want/need' list.

Offline Scoop

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2011, 07:41:19 AM »
I'm with Shelby, all I can give and all I want is civility and cordiality.

Offline justanoldgrandma

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2011, 09:32:14 AM »
A wise woman told me that she got along well w one dil but had trouble loving the other one bc of her not being a very good wife or mother (selfish); and they just didn't "click" as dil/mil.  The mil had wanted better for her ds and gc.

She told me that she decided to love her dil bc she is the mother of her gc and wife of her ds and that decision helped her in getting along w the dil (she is religious and looked to scripture for this help.)   (They hadn't had any real falling-outs; just hadn't been close or been able to talk.)  She just decided to accept her and not criticize her (in her own mind.)

(Later that dil had an affair and left her dh; the mil told me; the mil was over the upset of this by the time I saw her.)

So.... the mil hadn't gotten along w the dil, decided to, and it helped in her own mind.  (Again, there was to my knowledge no bad treatment of dil to mil so it was just that the mil didn't like or approve of the dil.)

I try to remember this woman when I feel critical of ILs, criticizing them in my own mind...... I need to accept them (if I can't love them!) bc of the relationship they have w my dh or ds.  When I do remember to do this, I find that it's easier to not feel bitter or angry.

(This is not saying a person has to love an abusive IL, just talking about one that's hard to get along with!)

Offline justanoldgrandma

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2011, 09:38:06 AM »
Well, I forgot my main theme; how unhappy my ds would be if his dw and dm fought, couldn't be in the same room, criticized each other to him.  (I don't think my dil does that ((talk about me much in a really critical way)) bc she has her own FOO, etc.)  So I guess I let a lot of stuff go that I wouldn't with anyone else bc of this....... ds is sensitive and it would hurt him a lot.....

amflautist

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2011, 10:23:07 AM »
Respecting and being civil and even cordial to my DIL is a way to show my son that I love him.  It IS a challenge - but it is a gift of love to DS.  I can do that - but love requires an open heart and I can't go there - at least not based on the facts to date.  I do admire you, Am for having an open heart still.

Wait -- I didn't say my heart was there yet.  I just said I'm up for the challenge.  My initial aim is to not let her know things might be otherwise.  Nonetheless, form follows function, or something like that, so I guess it's possible my heart may eventually comply.

amflautist

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2011, 10:26:35 AM »
I would love to hear your progress as you put this in place.  This is quite a project!

I tried something similar for a few years till DIL made it clear that my love wasn't on her 'want/need' list.

About a year ago, at the request of DS, I tried to make my relationship with DIL a two-way street.  Didn't work.  She never responded to any of my emails, gifts, etc.  This attempt is a 1-way street.  I don't expect anything in return.  In fact, I will probably fall over backwards if she shows any emotion at all towards DH and myself. 

Nonetheless, I am going to try sending the emotion out to her whenever she shows up on my doorstep.  It is my gift to DS.

amflautist

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #12 on: December 06, 2011, 10:38:36 AM »

(Later that dil had an affair and left her dh; the mil told me; the mil was over the upset of this by the time I saw her.)


Dare I hope?  ;-)

Well, I forgot my main theme; how unhappy my ds would be if his dw and dm fought, couldn't be in the same room, criticized each other to him.  (I don't think my dil does that ((talk about me much in a really critical way)) bc she has her own FOO, etc.)  So I guess I let a lot of stuff go that I wouldn't with anyone else bc of this....... ds is sensitive and it would hurt him a lot.....

It's been pretty much true that DIL and I cannot be in the same room -- but that is entirely because won't allow me in her house.  The only time DS invited DH and me to see his new house, DIL said she would go to a hotel while we were there.  I declined the invitation on that basis.  I think all that might be in the past now -- because she actually came to my house for 36 hours two weeks ago.  Whether I will receive a return invite to her house is still up in the air.

However, DS loves this woman.  So loving her will be my gift to him.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #13 on: December 06, 2011, 11:00:15 AM »
AM : If you ever succeed , you must write a book !

I am really trying , all I need is some kindness shown toward me to convince me to try again .

Shelby

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Re: Trying to love DIL even though she hates me
« Reply #14 on: December 06, 2011, 11:09:41 AM »

I am really trying , all I need is some kindness shown toward me to convince me to try again .

After the treatment you've received, for you to be still trying means you are either a saint or glutton for punishment.  I hope the DIL matures and comes to appreciate you.