Author Topic: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"  (Read 4937 times)

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renny97

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Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« on: March 07, 2010, 11:05:19 AM »
As I was walking around doing chores, I had another "slant" on relationship between son, DIL, and me.

MIL's are often accused of "interferring" or "still trying to parent." (Nothing new there). Although, we are parents, the same negative traits are not projected onto the son, DIL, or her family? Why? Because they are our adult children. They won't get the same stigma. I realize, DILs get some, but I not so much from this viewpoint.

We've heard about "role reversals." Their "interfering" and "controlling behavior" *seems* to be "okay." (Not all) They don't have the title of "MIL."

I am not one to "toot my own horn." But, I have been called, "fiercely independent," "strong," and "resourceful." I am not even aware most of the time, that when I was a single mother, I raised a son, always worked (however many jobs) or pursued work, college degree, and maintained home(s).

It was my choice to remain single. I often added, "Happily so." There were too many *red flags* when I dated for a brief time. I didn't feel pressured or compulsive about having to have a SO in my life. My drive and motivation, was my son. Anyone who could not fit into that, had to go.

I guess, that is why I get especially annoyed by "interfering" connotations. I never had the mindset or "ego" (?) to allow myself to think that DIL may fear being alone beyond belief. Maybe I represent that? (Alone)

So, because of my background, I really resent controlling people. I lived without it. I don't ask for much help from son. He has offered and I very much appreciated. It wasn't about quantity of visits, it was having a nice time. When, the time I had with son and family became tense and disrespectful, I had to finally make it known and stand alone. That is what I've known.

I do feel that being alone, I have been dealt "both barrels." (Outnumbered). Not so much sympathy as the fact.

I am watching, Dwayne Dyers, "Excuse Be Gone." It is very enlightening. I don't feel this is an excuse, but I just think it is odd, that a couple that is half my age, is now telling me how it is gonna be! (Their treatment towards me) Especially, when I learned to survive to hear this! Irony, or some weird "twist."? "Apparently" I earned name-calling! NOT!
I obviously "know nothing."  ;)

On the DD Show, a teacher once told him, "when you are given pieces; try to make them fit." I guess, that is what I sometimes do. I know I think too much. My scope says, "words and thoughts are like food" to my sign.

So, wisdom and age aren't as one, but it means there has been some life experiences that we do have to "get." Some knowledge is bestowed. And, if nothing else, speak with decency. If not, it won't be.

My current thinking or realization, is that I won't bring up any past issues in future contact. Son is emeshed. His choice. The only requirement I have now is that I am not talked to like dirt. That may require me to stay away for long periods. It is up to them, not me. But, how does that other saying go, "I'd rather stand for something, than fall for everything."



2chickiebaby

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2010, 11:11:20 AM »
Renny, you're very strong...I admire that. :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2010, 11:23:04 AM »
I love the stand you have taken about not being verbally abused. Good for you for drawing that line.  YES!
« Last Edit: March 07, 2010, 11:52:59 AM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2010, 12:12:04 PM »
I absolutely agree with Chickie and Luise.  You've drawn a line in the sand, that I think is emotionally healthy for you and is a sign of bravery.  Who knows how long their verbal abuse could have gone on.

I hope everything plays out well for you.  Time is a great healer though, and I've noticed that when I have left things alone like this, most of the time it has awesome returns! :)

Keep being strong, Renny!  And believe in miracles! ;)   

« Last Edit: March 07, 2010, 12:14:08 PM by cocobars »

cremebrulee

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2010, 12:37:25 PM »
As I was walking around doing chores, I had another "slant" on relationship between son, DIL, and me.

MIL's are often accused of "interferring" or "still trying to parent." (Nothing new there). Although, we are parents, the same negative traits are not projected onto the son, DIL, or her family? Why? Because they are our adult children. They won't get the same stigma. I realize, DILs get some, but I not so much from this viewpoint.

We've heard about "role reversals." Their "interfering" and "controlling behavior" *seems* to be "okay." (Not all) They don't have the title of "MIL."

I am not one to "toot my own horn." But, I have been called, "fiercely independent," "strong," and "resourceful." I am not even aware most of the time, that when I was a single mother, I raised a son, always worked (however many jobs) or pursued work, college degree, and maintained home(s).

It was my choice to remain single. I often added, "Happily so." There were too many *red flags* when I dated for a brief time. I didn't feel pressured or compulsive about having to have a SO in my life. My drive and motivation, was my son. Anyone who could not fit into that, had to go.

I guess, that is why I get especially annoyed by "interfering" connotations. I never had the mindset or "ego" (?) to allow myself to think that DIL may fear being alone beyond belief. Maybe I represent that? (Alone)

So, because of my background, I really resent controlling people. I lived without it. I don't ask for much help from son. He has offered and I very much appreciated. It wasn't about quantity of visits, it was having a nice time. When, the time I had with son and family became tense and disrespectful, I had to finally make it known and stand alone. That is what I've known.

I do feel that being alone, I have been dealt "both barrels." (Outnumbered). Not so much sympathy as the fact.

I am watching, Dwayne Dyers, "Excuse Be Gone." It is very enlightening. I don't feel this is an excuse, but I just think it is odd, that a couple that is half my age, is now telling me how it is gonna be! (Their treatment towards me) Especially, when I learned to survive to hear this! Irony, or some weird "twist."? "Apparently" I earned name-calling! NOT!
I obviously "know nothing."  ;)

On the DD Show, a teacher once told him, "when you are given pieces; try to make them fit." I guess, that is what I sometimes do. I know I think too much. My scope says, "words and thoughts are like food" to my sign.

So, wisdom and age aren't as one, but it means there has been some life experiences that we do have to "get." Some knowledge is bestowed. And, if nothing else, speak with decency. If not, it won't be.

My current thinking or realization, is that I won't bring up any past issues in future contact. Son is emeshed. His choice. The only requirement I have now is that I am not talked to like dirt. That may require me to stay away for long periods. It is up to them, not me. But, how does that other saying go, "I'd rather stand for something, than fall for everything."

Renny, I feel the exact same way as you do, and we are much alike, I never needed people or wanted to depend on anyone else for my happiness...and yes, it is our son's choices...

I was a DIL myself...and vowed, I would never ever interfer or be overwhelming...and I can honestly say, I wasn't...I have made suggestions several times to my son, but I am not offended if he chooses not to listen to me...it's his choice his life....

I hope it plays out well for you to...no matter how strong you are...this is painful and it follows you around like a dark cloud....

Was I wrong, yes, probably so...in a lot of things I did...however...I don't believe I deserve so little...we all make mistakes, we can't all think and feel alike...

I commend you for your steadfastness...and will read this post of yours many times...

Thank you for sharing....

« Last Edit: March 07, 2010, 12:39:15 PM by cremebrulee »

renny97

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2010, 04:01:49 PM »
Thanks, All. I realize I am not invincible. I guess, I have been breaking it down into "soft mama" or "tough mama." And, I was caught off guard, never thinking my tough mama skills had to come back into play and ever thinking it would be son-related. It is like; "Okay, life, it is gonna get all weird now." I see now, I ignored the "red flags" I used to SEE so easily with OTHER people.

I've made my decision to cope, based on whether DIL (or hopefully limited contact with her family and I mean, hello and goodbye) can talk to me normally? If not, we all start over again. I have deep conviction about that.

I am sure I messed up somewhere, but still think I need to keep weaknesses away from someone who I think may be hurtful. And, since I will try to keep their past transgressions alone, I expect the same. If someone is vindictive, I am not gonna help em. It doesn't "excuse" intentional bashing. I was also told by others, that I don't have "malice" and I am TOO honest. I think it is important to look at our good traits, instead of what the "bullies" want to focus on to "prove" their point(s). Although, as I've written, being TOO honest, can be a bad trait if you don't have the RIGHT people listening. I am muddling through the hypocriscy.

This is my POWER SURGE. That is my name for these "moments." (not hormones anymore..lol) But, I need to stick up for myself, if none will.

This is my approach. It is all about respect. If others don't have it for me, there isn't any outcome.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2010, 04:07:28 PM »
I love that Declaration of Independence...Stand Up and Be Counted posture! ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

renny97

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2010, 05:49:32 PM »
Aaaye, Luise! Exactly. Freedom from oppression. Probably why I love the 4th of July so much--Independence Day!

cocobars

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2010, 05:27:04 PM »
Words of a truly strong woman!  Oh!  And wise.

Without a doubt! ;D


Offline Barbie

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2010, 05:43:58 PM »
Renny, I love it!

cremebrulee

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #10 on: March 09, 2010, 04:55:07 AM »
I love the song, "I AM WOMAN!"

hehehe

cocobars

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #11 on: March 09, 2010, 04:56:12 AM »
Just remember not to roar!  HAHAHA!

renny97

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #12 on: March 09, 2010, 06:59:50 AM »
I am woman; hear me MEOOOOOW! LOL!

(I love that song called, "Independence Day", I believe, by,
Martina McBride. She's my fav country singer, too.)

Let freeeedom riiiiiing!

Marilyn

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #13 on: March 09, 2010, 10:20:08 AM »
Renny,your getting stronger,and stronger........you have taken your power back.

We both joined in here at WWU,about the same time.You were fearful of your DIL then.She had threatened to push you down the stairs.

Now look at you!!!Great attitude,keep moving forward!!! :) :) :)

cremebrulee

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Re: Epithany or "Ah-Ha"
« Reply #14 on: March 09, 2010, 10:41:53 AM »
Just remember not to roar!  HAHAHA!

no no, I'll purrrrr loudly....LOL