Author Topic: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family  (Read 3133 times)

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chereee123

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continuing from my last post ... I had both of them over a month ago for dinner. You would think by now my daughter in law would ask my small family to come to her home for a visit or dinner. I dont expect much to eat its just the thought that counts. She hasnt and its been a yr now. The other day my son came over to pick up something at our home and my daughter in law was with him....from her demeanor it was all I could do to get her to talk to me. It was like pulling teeth...heck that would have been easier.  When I asked her how she was doing or just anything in general she was like stoned faced and wouldnt even look at me much when talking to her. To me it was obvious she didnt wnt to be in my home. She kept looking at her watch and the only time I saw her light up was when it was time for them to leave.  My son just recently sent my husband a fathers day card...and he told us we will have to have u over to dinner soon. That was a month ago and we are still waiting.  I have only been nothing but decent to my daughter in law and treated her with respect all I ask is the same and she isnt being very nice at all.

Prissy

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2009, 08:41:18 PM »
Dear Chereee123,
I read your story and could have repeated it verbatim. I don't know what is wrong, there really isn't anything wrong with you, it's her.  She has what she wants and does what she wants, when she wants and that's the end of that story.

It is so unbelievably hurtful and rude that it's to the point that I wonder who raised them?  Did they get no training in decency?  I would be willing to bet you that your son is a nice guy. Just judging by your writing, you seem like a good person who raised your kids to treat people well.  Your Daughter, you're so blessed to have her! seems to be a great person.

What happened here?  He married one of today's young women. I know they're not all this way but boy, the ones I've encountered, are.

I hope you don't mind my ranting. This is just so incredibly hurtful and hard.

Welcome to the club of people here who have the same issues.  Just be thankful that your son keeps in touch!  Many blessings. :)

Alicev

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2009, 10:42:31 AM »
Dear Chereee123,

I am sorry you are in this situation. I don't know why this came about and I have no idea why your DIL would feel the need to keep a distance. However,  what struck me about your post was this little sentence:

Quote
He talks to me sometimes but its always about doing things with her family. I know this is the way its suppose to be ....

This is the part that makes me wonder if you somehow doubt yourself, or doubt the validity of your wants and wishes.

Have you asked your son to put a specific date on the dinner plans? If your son told you that they (your son and DIL) should have you guys over for dinner soon, have you asked him to set a date so you can mark it down in your calendar? People can be very evasive but there is no need for us to feel guilty for asking for clarity.


Offline luise.volta

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2009, 11:05:46 AM »
Hi,

We are seeing a pattern emerge, and Prissy is right, not always...where the future DIL is lovely to behold and easy to get along with during the engagement. Then the magic wand of "The Wedding" brings a change, sometimes actually overnight, where supremacy is the issue and her unsuspecting MIL becomes "The Enemy." Sometimes it's not overnight, it's a slow and insidious MIL character assassination. The results are the same. There is no incident and no altercation, although sometimes one is fabricated. The DIL isolates, and is either stonily silent or openly abusive around her extended family. (Well, there are other behaviors, too, one being sneakily vicious.)

(There are times when it's the MIL who has these supremacy issues and evidences this behavior but that's not the case here, or your DIL would be posting on this website...or one of the popular MIL bashing ones.)

In the situation being described, the new husband, who has just established a separate family unit, may be torn but his allegiance is a no-brainer. War has been declared and he has been taken hostage. Grandchildren will also be taken hostage.

The horror of this is that it is initiated externally and there is nothing we know of that the MIL can do; logic and loyalty are of no use. Respect is unheard of. It's not a situation where "the ball is in the DIL's court"...the game is actually over and she won without the MIL even knowing what was going on. MILs may calmly address this catastrophe or beg and plead, rant and rave, weep and take to their beds or even withdraw and move on but nothing changes. It simply isn't about the MIL, she doesn't exist in the grand scheme of things.

The son pays a terrible price in the middle of all of this unexpected warfare. He is often pulled back and forth, is intimidated and may even crumble under the pressure. Many, (again, not all), eventually withdraw from their loving and supportive families of origin because it's a way to survive. Some do a fairly good job of "deciding" that their brides are right.
 
Our job, we are slowly learning, is to not to get into guilt or into trying to "fix it"...while we learn to avoid becoming a victim. A tall order. The loss is something we can't adequately describe and most of us never fully get over it.

Blessings, Luise
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Alicev

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2009, 01:32:45 PM »
I agree with the pattern part but I am not sure about the win-lose thing. I would not necessarily view relationships from win/lose perspective. What was won in the end? And who won? One might answer that the DIL has won a husband that does not make her spend time with the in-laws. Is that really a win? She  most probably "won" a husband who is torn between trying to please both sides and who simply feels sad that he cannot spend time with his side of the family. So the DIL in a sense has "won", and I hate to put it this way, bitter obedience. I in no way think of this a win or a trophy.

It is like forcing a little child apologize when inside they don't feel sorry. Is that a win?

SouthernBelle

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2009, 01:58:10 PM »
Boy, what a mess. I know this one really well.

So, what makes you think being invited to have dinner in a home where the hostess won't make eye contact with you or speak to you would be a fun evening? What are you and your son thinking? That the leopard will change its spots?

Your DIL has made it very clear over the last year that you are not welcome in her home and she is not comfortable in yours. There has been no explanation and there never will be. She has so decreed. End of story.

I can almost guarantee that your DIL knows nothing of your son's vague and indefinite invitation and, further, your son will catch heck if she finds out.

Here's an experience we had: After several years of marriage and isolation our son and DIL bought a house and our son invited us to come take the tour and have dinner. When we got there, he was alone and dinner was in the oven with written instructions on how to heat and serve it. Our DIL was "called away" and was "unable" to return in time to see us. We never said a word but we were never invited again. (He's a quick study.)

Regarding the win/lose thing:To some there is no battle...just kind people feeling perplexed and eventually hurt. To others...the win thing is
"the" thing...and it's pretty hard to miss.

Prissy

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2009, 05:03:16 PM »
Question: What do you do with your heart?  The only thing I can think of is to just wipe them off-- but how? 

I heard her say one time that he changes when he's around his family and she was sick of it.  I guess he does change.  Her attitude is so bad that he tries in vain to make up for it.

He has quit trying now and his children have lost the best grandparents in the world.  Small comfort but it's true. She has won, but as Alicev said, "what has she won?"

She won the right to break our hearts and not allow someone she knows would have given their lives to have a family. (me) She knows all about that and chooses to hurt us still. 

I want to call her names and shout out to her and hurt her but I can't give her that much power.  It is so hard to act as though you don't care when you really do. 

He was such a good son, the very best.  Never said or did an unkind thing to us. Loved us with all his heart.  He still calls and we're grateful for that but without the whole package, it's not the same.

There must be a lesson here?  I don't want to learn anymore lessons. I have to either get in or out.  I can't survive in but I will have to survive out.   


Alicev

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2009, 05:31:59 PM »
What I meant was that as a DIL I would not want to WIN myself an obedient lapdog (my husband). I would want my husband to be happy, make his own decisions, be able to express his wants and needs and make them reality.

 That's why I think that if something like this (distance) occurs then I don't think anybody really wins anything. The son's parents are unhappy, the son is unhappy and the DIL is unhappy because her hubby is unhappy. So all in all, no one wins.

Unless the DIL truly is a totally self-absorbed and inconsiderate person, which  I find hard to believe either. There was and still is some reason why the sons picked these women as their wives, right? Something obviously makes them want to be with these women? Or is it that they are totally brainwashed and have no mind of their own?

Everyone is welcome to tell me otherwise, please I am all ears! :)

Prissy

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #8 on: July 21, 2009, 07:01:22 PM »
as far as my son, he married her because he needed someone to tell him what to do. He's like a nutty professor, but so sweet and handsome.  He forgets his keys and tries to start the car, etc. (things like that)

She stomps around and tells him where the keys are and gets mad and he spends the rest of the time trying to make her feel better.

Alicev, you are the kind of DIL who wants her husband to be happy. Quite a phenomenon. (you're great)

Alicev

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2009, 07:15:56 PM »
Thanks for the kind words Prissy! I am very flattered  ;) I do want my hubby to be happy. But I also know that there are limits to my powers. If there is anything I learned form all these years in college then here it is: everything in life is relative. What makes perfect sense from one perspective makes no sense from another's perspective and vica versa.

Prissy

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2009, 07:35:13 PM »
She needed someone who would let her run their life.  She got it. She is like a Nazi on a mission, like she's marching. The mission must be completed at all cost. What a life!

Everything is intensely serious. No joking, no funny business. Son is really bright but funny as all get out.  This had to stop, though. No time for it, the mission, you know.

It makes  no sense to me but I know it does to her. 

I dream of sending bags of sugar coated laxatives in the mail to her disguised as candy.  If you knew me, you'd know that I'm very kind and tender hearted. I'd never do such a thing. That would be bad. Wouldn't it?  It wouldn't be funny at all if she ate too many of them.  :-\

Her mission would be all thrown off.  ::)   The only way I can deal with this is through funny lines.  Drats!  ;D

Alicev

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2009, 07:46:26 PM »
Prissy - I am laughing out loud!!! You made my day!  ;D I just tried to imagine how it would look like!

Oh believe me, I have also met people to whom life must always be so hard and tedious and serious. It's like suffering is a must-have. What can you do.

Prissy

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #12 on: July 21, 2009, 08:06:12 PM »
I can do better, Alicev.  I just don't want anyone to think I'm bad.  :P

I

Alicev

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2009, 08:33:13 PM »
I don't think you are bad Prissy, you just seem mischievous.  8)  I am going to sleep now. It is late here on the east coast.

chereee123

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Re: my daughter in law doesnt seem to want to be a part of My family
« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2009, 04:36:07 PM »
      I just want to thank everyone for all of your thoughtful responses and I read every one of them ....I am definitely going to make copies of them.