Author Topic: Thread for Willing to Help  (Read 3579 times)

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cremebrulee

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Thread for Willing to Help
« on: March 03, 2010, 06:00:12 AM »
I am starting a new thread for Willingtohelp in hopes that we can continue to learn from each other...I don't believe Willingtohelp is a bad DIL, or caused this problem existing between her inlaws and herself.

First, there is no way, on God's green earth I would treat any woman who was at the hospital with my son, the way his parents threated her.  They should have been happy he had someone there with him....

there are, unfortunately, a lot of parents, including mothers that are not able to leave they're son's go...it's a shame, but they expect when they're son's marry for things to stay the same, with the exception of now having a Daughter...and it doesn't work like that...change is inevidable and heathy...we cannot expect to run a son's life once they marry...we have no business interferring in they're private lives...yes, it would be so nice to have them be a part of our families...but unfortunately there are some personality conflicts which clash, and not every DIL,MIL relationship is a good one...

I believe in this case...and this is from my heart...Willingtohelp is justified in her feelings about her inlaws...they should have never, ever been that rude to her in the hospital...and/or have done some of the other things they have done.

What they did in the hospital to this woman, I think was more then rude...

Just my feelings...

but I'd surely like it if we could discuss this issue...b/c as much as we ladies have been scarred by our DIL's, there are an awful lot of young women out there who are decent people who have been treated just as badly if not worse, then we have by they're inlaws. 

So, what I'm saying is, when a DIL comes into this site...even though we don't always think alike...it's important to remain nutural and kind.....respectful and most of all, try to view it from another point of view and not our own personal experiences...not every DIL out there is like ours...and WillingtoHelp sounds to me like a very wise young woman, whom, we could all learn from, and not your evil DIL that we have been made subjected to...

And Willingtohelp, I'd also like to say welcome, please do come back and share....remember, everyone, written words are never taken in the same way they would be taken if we were sitting across from the person writing and seeing they're expressions and empathy....sincerity sometimes doesn't always come through in written words, and I can definately atest to that...as a lot of times, my words have been taken wrong and completely the opposite of how they were meant.

Also, we may between ourselves, get a little overheated and argue a bit...but I don't believe and maybe I'm wrong, it's a reason to shut down a thread...I think we should be allowed to disagree and post our reasons for feeling as we do...we are bound to become emotionally charged, and I believe that should be allowed in this site, as long as people explain themselves and give they're apologies. 

It couldn't have been easy for Willing to Help to come into this site...or any DIL for that matter....so, I ask you all, that when they do...can we drop our own personal experiences and give them the benefit of the doubt...and try to understand and see it from they're point of view and not our personal experiences...you can't dislike all DIL's b/c ours are dysfunctional...right? 

What does everyone else think, and please tell me if you think I'm wrong...

I just don't want this site to be a hate site...or have DIL's who really do have problems fear coming in here and posting...deep down, I believe willingtohelp was looking for our feedback and compassion....sometimes, it takes the whole world off your shoulders just to know someone else understands, no matter who you are....

Creme

2chickiebaby

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2010, 06:45:23 AM »
I am starting a new thread for Willingtohelp in hopes that we can continue to learn from each other...I don't believe Willingtohelp is a bad DIL, or caused this problem existing between her inlaws and herself.

First, there is no way, on God's green earth I would treat any woman who was at the hospital with my son, the way his parents threated her.  They should have been happy he had someone there with him....

there are, unfortunately, a lot of parents, including mothers that are not able to leave they're son's go...it's a shame, but they expect when they're son's marry for things to stay the same, with the exception of now having a Daughter...and it doesn't work like that...change is inevidable and heathy...we cannot expect to run a son's life once they marry...we have no business interferring in they're private lives...yes, it would be so nice to have them be a part of our families...but unfortunately there are some personality conflicts which clash, and not every DIL,MIL relationship is a good one...

I believe in this case...and this is from my heart...Willingtohelp is justified in her feelings about her inlaws...they should have never, ever been that rude to her in the hospital...and/or have done some of the other things they have done.

What they did in the hospital to this woman, I think was more then rude...

Just my feelings...

but I'd surely like it if we could discuss this issue...b/c as much as we ladies have been scarred by our DIL's, there are an awful lot of young women out there who are decent people who have been treated just as badly if not worse, then we have by they're inlaws. 

So, what I'm saying is, when a DIL comes into this site...even though we don't always think alike...it's important to remain nutural and kind.....respectful and most of all, try to view it from another point of view and not our own personal experiences...not every DIL out there is like ours...and WillingtoHelp sounds to me like a very wise young woman, whom, we could all learn from, and not your evil DIL that we have been made subjected to...

And Willingtohelp, I'd also like to say welcome, please do come back and share....remember, everyone, written words are never taken in the same way they would be taken if we were sitting across from the person writing and seeing they're expressions and empathy....sincerity sometimes doesn't always come through in written words, and I can definately atest to that...as a lot of times, my words have been taken wrong and completely the opposite of how they were meant.

Also, we may between ourselves, get a little overheated and argue a bit...but I don't believe and maybe I'm wrong, it's a reason to shut down a thread...I think we should be allowed to disagree and post our reasons for feeling as we do...we are bound to become emotionally charged, and I believe that should be allowed in this site, as long as people explain themselves and give they're apologies. 

It couldn't have been easy for Willing to Help to come into this site...or any DIL for that matter....so, I ask you all, that when they do...can we drop our own personal experiences and give them the benefit of the doubt...and try to understand and see it from they're point of view and not our personal experiences...you can't dislike all DIL's b/c ours are dysfunctional...right? 

What does everyone else think, and please tell me if you think I'm wrong...

I just don't want this site to be a hate site...or have DIL's who really do have problems fear coming in here and posting...deep down, I believe willingtohelp was looking for our feedback and compassion....sometimes, it takes the whole world off your shoulders just to know someone else understands, no matter who you are....

Creme

Dear Creme....this site is not a hate site and never will be. 

cremebrulee

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2010, 06:48:10 AM »
I wasn't stating it was??????

Marilyn

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2010, 06:48:41 AM »
I have the upmost respect for Luise,and will respect  her decission

cremebrulee

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2010, 06:51:16 AM »
I'm not stating I don't respect her decission...I was simply asking...I don't proclaim that my opinions are correct...I simply thought it would be a good idea to discuss the issue....
apparently I was wrong...I apologize for my post...it surely didn't go the way I thought it would....

I openly prensented this because I once belonged to another site, and in that site, if someone disagreed with another and it got a bit emotional, the thread was shut down...they were not using personal attacks, they were simply discussing an issue, that became emotional...so what I'm asking is, that we be allowed to express, as long as there are no personal attacks...

I respect Luise and her decissions...however, I believe it might be a good subject open for discussion, and, as I've stated, perhaps I'm way off base here....this is Luise's site...and perhaps I have no business making these statements....I mean no one any harm...or insult...I just thought a discussion would be good....

I apologize....


« Last Edit: March 03, 2010, 06:55:45 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline Pen

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2010, 06:57:23 AM »
It must have been my post that closed the thread. I'm very sorry if anyone thought I was being hateful or overly emotional. I certainly didn't feel that way and thought I was just giving Willing the input she asked for. My apologies all around. I feel so ashamed that Luise and others here might think poorly of me.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2010, 07:00:26 AM »
Penstamen,
We love you here so much :)

cremebrulee

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2010, 07:11:35 AM »
It must have been my post that closed the thread. I'm very sorry if anyone thought I was being hateful or overly emotional. I certainly didn't feel that way and thought I was just giving Willing the input she asked for. My apologies all around. I feel so ashamed that Luise and others here might think poorly of me.

Penn, no, no no, I don't believe anyone thinks poorly of you...or anyone else here....sheeesh, I am really really sorry that I started this thread...
I just couldn't understand why the thread was shut down...b/c from what I read, it seemed as if everyone was getting along fine....and I was baffeled and thought perhaps something had been cut out of the thread that may have prompted Moditor or Luise to shut it down?

But Pen, I don't believe anyone was out of hand, they were simply expressing feelings...opionions, etc.

I truly apologize, I don't want anyone to feel badly...just wanted to truly express my feelings and confussions about what was going on...I don't believe anyone was cruel to the poster....or even lost patience with her....? 


cremebrulee

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2010, 07:13:53 AM »
yanno, much to my dismay, this thread is not working...
Please everyone, disregard it...it surely did not come out the way I meant it to....

I'm very, very sorry for starting it.....


cocobars

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2010, 07:57:04 AM »
Hi, I’m at work and don’t have much time, but I made it a point to check in today. 

I just want to say that I believe it was my post that caused such conflict.  I saw so many red flags in that post that I couldn’t address them all, and thought it looked like bait to me.   I just want to say that I lost my temper and my lips and fingers went with it, as poor as the excuse is.  I’m sorry I did that and all the posts leading up to mine were welcoming.  I promise that I’ll make all efforts to hold myself back if I feel that way again, and I really don’t want to be the cause of conflict here.  I felt at the time, I was saving us some heartache here, with this one’s arrogance.  I do agree with Crème.  There have been other times that I thought someone was not being honest and just by holding back a little and asking questions (before losing myself like that), I’ve learned that I was wrong and the person writing in was really hurting and honest. 

I don’t want to go into the reasons for all the “flags” I saw with this one, because we could be debating this for days.  I found something contradicting in each sentence, then each paragraph – and it was already a long post.  Then I also felt when I called her down on some of it, even so rudely on my part, she seemed to start back-peddling (another red flag to me on a pile of flags).   

I felt really awful  and I woke this morning and went in to re-read.  Long-story short, I don’t regret saying what I did and could have said a lot more. My little mind had just “picked her letters apart.”  What I did regret is the manner that I spoke, and the fact that I should have also acknowledged her feelings and unfair treatment.  I stared out saying there was a middle ground, and became so livid that I just never explained what I felt that may be.  I do believe she was treated unfairly at her first meeting and dished it back at the parents, and two wrongs never equal a “right.” I believe I jerked the welcome mat out from under her that I had already rolled out, and put Luise in the “hot seat.”  I’m ashamed for not having more control.

I don’t regret my feelings, even today.   I regret responding so harshly, and I firmly believe the outcome would have been the same if I had not done that, but might have ended in a much more productive and caring way.

(I came through and did a quick email to myself so I could copy/paste this here.  I don't expect everyone to agree and it really is just my own opinion.  I expect others to have a different opinion. )  See you tonight!

Hugging you all!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2010, 09:28:21 AM »
Hi All,

I think this topic is very valid and I don't think anyone has anything to apologize for. What we are doing here, thanks to C/ is taking a closer look at how we responded, individually, to the post from "willing" and the comments that followed.

I stopped it because it was escalating and when that happens, we often get so emotional that it gets in the way of doing the kind of work we come here to do. I watch for capital letters, excessive exclamation points and repetition. I'm pretty protective of our longtime, loyal members...so sue me.  ;D ;D

We can slip into a heated debate about whether "willing" did the right thing or the wrong thing when she met her in laws at the hospital..and some of us end up accessing feelings that have nothing to do with the current subject. It becomes a trigger, only. To some it felt like an invasion, for whatever reason. We are subjective creatures; it's in our genes.

I think looking at all of that is incredibly healthy. In the meantime, I am working with "willing" via PM and I encourage any of you who are so inclined to do the same.

Sending love. Pinging you all...and yes, "willing, too."

« Last Edit: March 03, 2010, 10:17:09 AM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2010, 03:53:47 PM »
So, what do you think about Creme's original post and suggestion that we look deeper and talk more about this? What I wanted to stop was our interaction with "willing" not our interaction with each other.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Marilyn

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #12 on: March 03, 2010, 04:23:28 PM »
I think thats a great idea luise.I just felt like Willing really didn't care about her IL's feelings.Thats what she stated,then ask for suggestions on how they could get along better.

cocobars

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #13 on: March 03, 2010, 04:35:52 PM »
So, what do you think about Creme's original post and suggestion that we look deeper and talk more about this? What I wanted to stop was our interaction with "willing" not our interaction with each other.
Hi Luise!

I don't have a problem with talking a little deeper about "willings" post.  I have some reservations about a few people here and I'm just being honest.  I'm concerned it will lead into heated discussions.  I'm not sure I would participate at that point, but simply read.  It's a real touchy subject and as much as I believe we can learn from DIL's here, I also believe there are some DIL's that have nothing to offer us but arguments and excuses. 

This is your site and I have learned to trust that you are doing the very best you can.  I also know in my heart that you have enough experience to watch what's happening.  Anyway, I think it's worth a try.  If nobody tries, then we won't know if it would have worked and are just operating on fear. 

What has everyone else thought of this?  Chickie, Mominwaiting, Penstamen?

cocobars

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Re: Thread for Willing to Help
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2010, 04:41:06 PM »
I guess the most important question is, how do you feel about it, Luise?