Author Topic: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?  (Read 3630 times)

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chereee123

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My son recently married a year ago...before he got married I thought I was the perfect mother in law to be . I had them to my home and cooked over 50 big dinners in three yrs or maybe more..all the major holidays with no help from them ( and I didnt mind that at the time ). They came to my home to watch local college games on our big tv. They swam in our pool. They came over every week and my spouse and I along with my daughter took them out to dinner on occasion. Since my son has gotten married, my daughter in law doesnt act like she wants to be part of our family. He talks to me sometimes but its always about doing things with her family. I know this is the way its suppose to be ....but we asked her to come to my daughters 18th birthday party and her Sr. graduation.. she didnt make it for either and my son made an excuse.  ( She didnt come to her 16th birthday party either)  My daughter and I went to her birthday party once and we went to all her showers before the wedding.  My daughter has given her little gifts to her for Christmas too and she never gets one in return. My daughter is a very very sweet person but my daughter in law seems rude .

arjjonath16

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2010, 11:55:40 PM »
It's a sad situation you are into Cheree. I understand what you feel. People have different personalities, beliefs, opinions, reactions and points of view. However, we have to be great with them considering their status in life.
Cheree, time will come that your daughter-in-law will get closed with you. Don't be in a rush. Maybe it's just a matter of acceptance that she has now a new family. Sometimes, mothers have to lessen their being staged for several reasons.
« Last Edit: April 14, 2010, 10:24:51 PM by arjjonath16 »

cremebrulee

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2010, 05:29:53 AM »
Hi Cheree123
I'm sorry your feelings have been hurt by DIL's actions...however, let me say, in the most compassionate way I can....no matter what you do or give to another person, doesn't give you entitlement to expect her to return your kindness....we human beings are all different...and it may simply be, not the fact that she doesn't want to be a part of your family, but is not a people person and doesn't care for parties and a lot of people...

I was married to a man who had a huge, family...there was always something going on every weekend...someone in the family was having a party...confirmation, baptisms, birthday parties, etc...and I worked a full time job, had a child, was active in church, but also had to make time for all these parties...I hated them...plus we lived 45 minutes away from everyone...and we were made to feel, like we HAD to go..but I hated them....hated them...it took so much of my own personal quality time away...where I only had one day on the weekend to myself....

So, while I do understand your point of view...you must try and understand and not take her actions personally or be hurt b/c she doesn't come.  When you have a party, invite her, and if she and your son do not come, that is they're decission, which may have nothing to do with wanting to be a part of your family or not...maybe they just want privet personal time together, without having to leave they're home....

we must remember, we don't all think and feel alike about issues...loyalty to family, what we should and shouldn't do.

I would suggest, you continue to have a giving heart and continue to treat her and son as you have, however, if you extend an invitation, don't expect them to be there...or hold it against them if they are not.

It is unfortunate, but once our sons marry, they go where the wife wants to be...and if she is introverted and was raised to be selfish, and unconcerned with the feelings of others, she is never going to be able to live up to your expectations of how she should be...quit frankly, she doesn't know any better, it is the way she was raised....


I'm not making excuses for your DIL...what she is doing, isn't right, however, it is, who she is...and that is something that will never change...so you must conform to her way of thinking and not let it fester, hurt or bother you...

Hugs and good luck
Creme

2chickiebaby

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2010, 06:34:56 AM »
My son recently married a year ago...before he got married I thought I was the perfect mother in law to be . I had them to my home and cooked over 50 big dinners in three yrs or maybe more..all the major holidays with no help from them ( and I didnt mind that at the time ). They came to my home to watch local college games on our big tv. They swam in our pool. They came over every week and my spouse and I along with my daughter took them out to dinner on occasion. Since my son has gotten married, my daughter in law doesnt act like she wants to be part of our family. He talks to me sometimes but its always about doing things with her family. I know this is the way its suppose to be ....but we asked her to come to my daughters 18th birthday party and her Sr. graduation.. she didnt make it for either and my son made an excuse.  ( She didnt come to her 16th birthday party either)  My daughter and I went to her birthday party once and we went to all her showers before the wedding.  My daughter has given her little gifts to her for Christmas too and she never gets one in return. My daughter is a very very sweet person but my daughter in law seems rude .

Dear Chereee,
Your post was written a long time ago and I just realized we didn't welcome you properly. 

What you went through is some of what most of us go through too.  It hurts like the devil and isn't the way our sons were raised.  I'm so sorry this is happening.  Sometimes the best way to handle this hurt is to go through it with trusted friends.  I hope we'll be your friends on this site.  There are gobs of us going through the same thing!  Do come back. :) You are welcome here, Chereee.

Offline Scoop

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2010, 07:50:25 AM »
Cheree,

I'm a DIL, so I would like to give you a DIL's perspective.  Over 50 big meals in 3 years, that's fully 1/3 of their weekends.  If you add the time they want to spend with her family, and then add friends on top of that.  It's just TOO much.  Maybe they were feeling burnt out.

So your DIL decided to withdraw.   Please don't take it personally.  It was likely a reaction to having too many obligations, not to you specifically.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to treat them like you're happy to see them every time they come.  Enjoy them while they're there and don't mention the times they're not.  My MIL ruins our visits by complaining about not seeing us enough.  It makes us want to see her LESS, not more.

And really, do you want someone to visit you because they WANT to see you, or because they feel obligated to come?  She's just going to sit there acting huffy and checking her watch.  That's no fun for anyone.  If your son comes by himself, enjoy his company and tell him to tell your DIL that you appreciate having him to yourself.

There are times when we're visiting the IL's that I leave them alone together, to give them time together without me.  I also let them talk on the phone without hovering or interjecting.  I consider it a gift to them, because my own parents LOVE-LOVED when they had time alone with my brother.  I'm coming to realize that my MIL probably thinks I'm being cold about it.  Sigh.  You can't win.

As for presents to your DD. Is your DS giving her a gift?  Are you expecting DIL to give a separate present to your DD? DS is responsible for gifts to his sister and if he doesn't do it, you should be angry with HIM, not DIL.  His family, his responsibility.

cocobars

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2010, 05:11:27 PM »
Are we so bored that we are responding to a post written last year?  Come on, ladies! 

We need a new topic!  I'm sure you have some really good ideas!  Put on those thinking caps and forget your worries!

I'm hugging you hard! ;D ;D

Offline Scoop

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2010, 05:46:47 PM »
Yeah, I got sucked into responding to this too.  I didn't even see the date on the original post.

Ah well, it'll teach me to pay better attention next time.

cocobars

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2010, 05:48:02 PM »
HAHAHA!  What are you guys thinkin???? ;D ;D ;D ;D


(I can't claim sanity, because I almost left one too!) ;D

renny97

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2010, 06:32:06 PM »
Why aren't old posts removed or archived?

cocobars

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2010, 06:33:46 PM »
HAHAHA!  Good evening!  They are I think, but someone dug this one up from somewhere!

Now where did I put that whoopie cushion?? ;D ;D

cocobars

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2010, 06:38:31 PM »
P.S. - Poor cherie!  Now that I think of it, this has to be a loooooooooong wait for a reply???

Cherie, come back!  Pierre is here!

Come back here Pierre!  I didn't say you could go!  Why do you suppose Pierre was running like that??

(Dear cherie,  if you come back - please know this was a joke.  I am really imbarassed that your post was this old and was making light of it.  I hope you forgive me, and Pierre)

cocobars

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2010, 07:35:35 PM »
It's March 4th, 2010, at 10:35pm.  I'm going to bed now so I can work tomorrow.  Goodnight Cherie, Pierre,

and all you beautiful women who made this a wonderful night! 

No, not playing Waltons..


Just wanted to thank you all! ;D :)

renny97

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Re: why doesnt my daughter in law want to be a part of MY family?
« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2010, 07:40:02 PM »
Gnite, Coco.  ;)