Author Topic: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice  (Read 1961 times)

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dejected

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Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« on: November 27, 2011, 07:23:34 AM »
Married 18 years, initially married for the wrong reason.  Husband 20 years older, with 2 grown children almost my same age.  I'm 52, daughter-in-law is 46.  Taking care of live-in-mother (mine) deaf with dementia.  Husband is lung cancer survivor, brain radiation has affected his memory - but overall is able to function normally.  Daughter-in-law is mental patient, released from mental hospital in 2006.  She is incapable of making sound decisions or managing her life using common sense.  She continuously does stupid, foolish things - example, turning her car (which was paid for and given to her by my husband), to a loan shark.  Now she has $168 per month car load payment.  She got $600 and has paid back over $3,000.  Not once but twice with the same loan shark.  Rarely does she work 40 hours, commonly 20-25 hrs.  Has apt rent, utilities, medicine (over $300) per month.  Past due on everything she has, and comes to my husband weekly for money. 

I am at my wits end.  I work, my husband is retired and on social security.  I never had any children, mainly because I did not want any.  I've tried to talk to my husband, but he will not listen to me at all.  At one point I was told not to make him choose between me or his daughter.  I long for peace.  Shouldn't a 46 year old woman be able to take care of herself.  But what do you do when her father still views her as a 16 year old?  I shouldn't have to walk away from everything I've worked so hard for.  But I think how wonderful it would be to have some of this gone.  I pray daily for guidance from the Lord.  What would some of you do? 

Offline jdtm

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2011, 08:57:12 AM »
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Shouldn't a 46 year old woman be able to take care of herself. 

Probably not one who is mentally ill.

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But what do you do when her father still views her as a 16 year old?


My father still thinks of me as a girl - and I am a senior citizen. 

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I shouldn't have to walk away from everything I've worked so hard for.

No, you should not.

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But I think how wonderful it would be to have some of this gone.

Peace - perhaps the greatest gift of all - even more so than Hope or Joy.  Not sure about Love though - hmm the four gifts of Advent and today is the first Sunday of the Christmas season.

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I pray daily for guidance from the Lord.  What would some of you do? 

Seriously, I just don't know.  I'm so sorry and I feel for you. 

Offline justanoldgrandma

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2011, 09:40:35 AM »

  I've tried to talk to my husband, but he will not listen to me at all.  At one point I was told not to make him choose between me or his daughter.  I long for peace.

  I shouldn't have to walk away from everything I've worked so hard for.  But I think how wonderful it would be to have some of this gone.  I pray daily for guidance from the Lord.  What would some of you do?

This is such a problem and so many things hinging..... You are desperately unhappy and feeling trapped.  And used. 

What bothers me I guess is that you were told not to make dh choose between you and his daughter, probably to make you quit talking about it.   I imagine bc your dh feels that he can't abandon his dd in her condition.

Since dh won't listen to you at all I guess counseling is out? 

I don't know what assistance, if any, your stepdaughter is receiving from mental health or the government for her being incapable of working.  But if she got the help she needs, supervised, etc., your dh wouldn't feel like she can't survive w/o him. 

Then it could be back to your dh and you and some peace.  I can only imagine your constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Stepdaughter is being abetted even though she is ill; but she doesn't have to drain you and your dh's resources and life.  Many mentally ill people can live independently from their parents; and should anything happen to your dh, would you feel responsible?  Seem the daughter needs help now....

If you haven't done so, I'd say to speak w your pastor, the mental health people who might help your stepdaughter, and also to a counselor to help you sort this all out; they often have resources and good advice on how to solve this..... and maybe some legal advice bc as you said, you shouldn't have to lose everything you've worked for.

Your life and happiness and peace are being sacrificed and who is looking after you?  You deserve to take care of your needs and happiness.  (I'm thinking of extended family whose mother is abetting her alcoholic son and has lost her husband bc of it.....)

Doe

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2011, 02:20:48 PM »
At one point I was told not to make him choose between me or his daughter.  I long for peace.  Shouldn't a 46 year old woman be able to take care of herself.  But what do you do when her father still views her as a 16 year old?

It sounds like he has made his choice.  Maybe it's time to cut your losses and move on.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2011, 03:10:15 PM »
Hi Dejected and welcome .......when your step daughter asks for money where does it come from ? If the answer is from your salary , then it needs to stop ! As your DH is retired , does he have the available funds to support her ?  Lots of questions I'm afraid but I wouldn't share my hard earned cash knowing it was lining a loan sharks pocket .

sesamejane

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2011, 04:34:45 PM »
Amen LL!

Offline pam1

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2011, 05:02:18 PM »
Welcome dejected :)

Please read the Forum Agreement and History of WWU (top two threads highlighted in pink.)  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post :)

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Gidget

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2011, 05:44:32 PM »
Dejected, I feel really sorry for your situation.  If your DIL was released from a mental institution and cannot make smart decision or manage her life how come she doesnt have a caretaker or a social worker looking after her?  I am not very competent with mental illness but I thought that once released from an institution there were people on the lookout for them.

I also agree with LL, I would not give her a penny!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2011, 05:17:16 PM »
We all have different values…"everything I have worked for" wouldn't hold a candle to my peace of mind and I'd be outta there. Years ago I left a marriage where I had a lovely view home, a new car and a charter membership in the Yacht Club...for a very low-paying job and a falling down rental at the end of an alley. As far as I was concerned, it was a great improvement.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

dejected

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2011, 05:31:31 PM »
Thanks Luise, and that's exactly what I've been searching for the past few days.  A way that I can have peace of mind.  I will continue to work, I don't make much but I can always look for something better.  I'm searching for homes that I can afford.  I can fix it up, paint, whatever if I need too, if I can find one.  Figuring out what to do with Mom, might be a bigger problem.  But I'll do something.  Thanks so much for your support.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2011, 05:40:18 PM »
Our nursing home (where my husband is) takes people with your mother's issues and welfare (DSHS) pays for it. It isn't about what you do or don't have…it's about your mother's assets or lack thereof. Hang in there…you have a new family here. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

JudyJudyJudy

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #11 on: November 29, 2011, 07:44:09 PM »
Dejected, I actually felt your pain when I read this.  Also, you have to make some tough decisions but just remember that in order to find peace in your decision, you have to not go against your conscience.  I feel sorry for everyone involved in this situation but you have to look out for you first because as you get older and with no children, the only one you will really be able to depend on is you...that is unless you get another husband and/or make some more friends...and if you want to stay with your current husband, he probably expects you to understand how much he loves his daughter.  However, I am wondering who is going to take care of his daughter after he is gone.

My only suggestion is that no what you decide to do, put something back for that little old lady that will be you down the road...she'll love you for it!

summergirl123

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2011, 09:42:42 AM »
 :'(  So sorry to hear about your situation!  No, you shouldn't have to walk away from what you've worked so hard for and Yes, a 46 year old should be taking complete control of herself. 

I don't know what the correct answer is - I would wonder if talking to someone professionally - lawyer, counselor or both would help.

It's a tough situation because you and your DH are just not on the same page.  You are very young and have many years ahead of you - how does your DH expect you to live after he's gone and with all this mess from his very grown up child?

I hope that there is an answer that works for you - tough situation!

Offline Begonia

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Re: Unhappy, giving up - looking for advice
« Reply #13 on: December 01, 2011, 10:02:03 AM »
Hi DJ:  Find a place where you can have some quiet time...a walk in the woods, a bench in a park.  Try to calm your mind down for a few minutes.  Make two lists:  on one list "all you have worked for" or the relationships that you will leave behind if you go and on the other the things you would hope to gain by leaving.  You will know in your heart which side is more important or perhaps there is a middle ground.  I send caring out to you.  I have been in a similar place.  I am totally at peace now after leaving in 92 and have gone on to have a really wonderful life. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)