Author Topic: I did not say this  (Read 6497 times)

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catchingup

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I did not say this
« on: February 28, 2010, 02:47:41 PM »

 My son and his girlfriend have been together for 9 years.I always found her pleasant enough and thought they were well  suited.
I had a terrible MIL. She was a Sergeant major in the army.I will let you know if I write a book.I vowed I would never interfere but tension arose between me and my sons future in-laws--I sensed it but brushed it aside.
My son confronted his girlfriend as he sensed it too.
I then got an email from my son (They live in the U.K.) asking me "Who do you think you are to say to her  aunt are these your illegitimate children"?
I was so shocked. Her cousin had 2 children outside of marriage.
I did not say this but did have a conversation alone with her aunt and when I met her grandchildren I asked her if these were her "little"grandchildren. I am sure the family have an issue with this whole thing and am sure she misheard me.
I am not a vicious person and am fully aware of the responsibilities of bringing up children and in fact felt a real compassion for her.
Then another story came out just as petty. my sons future MIL twisted something I said.
I might be wrong but I see his Future wife and her mother as 2 dangerous women who will do everything in their power to turn my son against me and I told him so.
I also said that if someone said to me or one of my family "Are these your illegitimate grandchildren "I would not have anything more to do with that person so give this advise to your future in-laws. Tell them they have my permission not to have anything more to do with me and take the advise yourself.
My son is a gentle loving person and I am now beginning to feel she and her family are not good for him.Sad how people can turn us against them.
I have also decided I will not say anything to her or her family so that they cant twist anything I say.
Fortunately I have my own interests and will not allow it to affect my life in any way.
Fortunately up to now my son has accepted my denial but he is the one who is getting hurt more than anyone else.
She loves him--sorry very selfish to hurt him then or just too immature to realize it


cocobars

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2010, 03:46:34 PM »
I then got an email from my son (They live in the U.K.) asking me "Who do you think you are to say to her  aunt are these your illegitimate children"?
I was so shocked. Her cousin had 2 children outside of marriage.
I did not say this but did have a conversation alone with her aunt and when I met her grandchildren I asked her if these were her "little"grandchildren. I am sure the family have an issue with this whole thing and am sure she misheard me.
I am not a vicious person and am fully aware of the responsibilities of bringing up children and in fact felt a real compassion for her.
Then another story came out just as petty. my sons future MIL twisted something I said.
I might be wrong but I see his Future wife and her mother as 2 dangerous women who will do everything in their power to turn my son against me and I told him so.
I also said that if someone said to me or one of my family "Are these your illegitimate grandchildren "I would not have anything more to do with that person so give this advise to your future in-laws. Tell them they have my permission not to have anything more to do with me and take the advise yourself.
My son is a gentle loving person and I am now beginning to feel she and her family are not good for him.Sad how people can turn us against them.
I have also decided I will not say anything to her or her family so that they cant twist anything I say.
Fortunately I have my own interests and will not allow it to affect my life in any way.
Fortunately up to now my son has accepted my denial but he is the one who is getting hurt more than anyone else.
She loves him--sorry very selfish to hurt him then or just too immature to realize it
Hi catchingup!  Welcome!  It sounds like you're in the middle of a tangled web, and I can understand your feelings!  From what you're saying in your post, I'm guessing you already talked to your son about these incidents.  If not, I would call him and set an appointment to talk to him.  Ask him for about an hour of his time and block off the appointment.  Then I would explain to him that you didn't say those things and explain what you did say - just like you said it in your post here.  I would tell him how much I loved him and wanted to see him happy and get his take on all this.  Ask him if he knows any reason why they might twist your words like this.  I think he is just blindly in love and not thinking of the consequences later on.  He may not even realize he is getting tangled up in this awful web.

Being that he is an adult (and overseas), there's not alot I can think of doing, other than that.  Illegitimate is very similar to "little grandchildren" if said quickly.  I understand where the "misunderstanding" could come in, but also understand the "big red flag" you are seeing, and I would tend to believe the "red flag" theory first.  This is such a hard position to be in, and I don't have alot of advice for you, but hang in because I know you will get more opinions from other women here!  It sounds to me like you are in a catch-22 right now, but it's hard to tell without having a talk with him.  Does he know the family well (asking this question may spark a "moment of sanity, since love is blind."  LOL!).  Tell him you're concerned and ask him if he's ok (this seems to spark sanity moments too, at least it did for my son)?  Sometimes I think the silliest comments like that, snapped my son back to his senses.

Come in and post as often as you need to!  There are other women here who may have very similar experiences and can give you more insight with this.  I know it must be upsetting to you to be accused of things you aren't doing.  Take a few breaths first, if you talk to him, and that will help calm you down so that you can talk to him honestly and compassionately about his situation.

Hang in there and keep us posted, ok!

Sending you a big hug - I know you need one!  Watch for more coming behind mine! :)
« Last Edit: February 28, 2010, 03:54:35 PM by cocobars »

Marilyn

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2010, 04:28:10 PM »
Welcome catchingup,sorry your having to go thru this,and i understand your hurt.I agree with what Coco told you.They misunderstood what you said,and your son needs to know this.Talk it over with him,assure him that you would never talk to some one that way.
I'm hoping it will all work out for you,keep us posted.

sending hugs

catchingup

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2010, 10:43:50 PM »

 I have spoken to him and the worst part of this is,he is the one in the middle.
He is hurting because  of the conflict. He would like to see harmony between us. I want to handle this in a way that will be to my sons benefit without being disloyal to myself and becoming their victim.
His future in-laws cant wait for them to get married. He gets on well with the family.
My son lives in the UK but this may not be permanent although it could be. Her parents are in South Africa . I also live in South Africa.
She is persuading him to come back. I want them to stay there because I am not happy with conditions in Soutth Africa. Ultimately it is ny sons  decision but it irritates me to think he may be persuaded to come home because his future in-laws want them to.
The fmil said she wants a grandchild now. He doesn't have to get married "Just get my daughter pregnant". I see that as a trap.
My son told me this himself and was quite horrified by it.He has also spoken to his girlfriend and told her not to be rude to me.
I dont want to be a bone of contention in their marriage. I dont want to interfere at all but I am being dragged into a conflicting situation that this family is creating.
He is al;ready saying "You will have to sit at the same table as fin's when we get married"
Well blow me. Is this my fault??
When they are in South Africa my son comes with an verbal invite from his fmil. I see this as the height of bad manners. She should have picked up the phone and invited us  herself. She is unfriendly.I sensed it before all this came up.
They are here for the world cup in June and I have made it clear to my son that any invite is to be refused on the spot as I have no intention of becoming a victim of this family
I feel if I have no contact then I cannot be blamed for saying anything.
It is like a wall of protection I need to put up.
The family visited them in the UK in december and I have a feeling this matter was discussed because he now says OH!! The aunt said this not his finl.
I say they believed it--that is enough for me to see a red flag.Blood I guess is thicker than water.
What a life!!

renny97

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2010, 11:39:20 AM »
CU,

First, it is good you see the signs early on. You have cleared up the matter with DS. You know, to keep comments to self now, especially, since they are already twisting your words. I know, that technique very well from son's ILs.

For me, it is almost liking the beginning reading your story. It really doesn't matter what you do or don't do...that seems to last a long time. It is there, the minute you meet certain people. And, usually it doesn't change. That is usually the most frustrating part. That "was" the worst.

Everything, is truly your son's call. It doesn't even seem to have to do with anything we instilled or didn't in sons. Thus, even though "we see", I am not sure anything can prevent sons from pursuing this person.

Many of us, try to ignore the strange DIL (or g/f) behavior, but they maintain enough contact to be able to say that we said something or did something so outlandish, we deserve to be at son's scorn.

I just had a thought. Some women, won't get a great guy unless they are aggressive. But, they just don't know when to stop. They never feel loved or safe.

catchingup

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2010, 01:03:11 PM »
The strange thing about this whole scenario is that I have never felt in the 9 years they have been together that the two of them are not suited.
They make a lovely couple and I used to look at the photo's of them on face book and admire how happy they look together.
They are both well educated and have good jobs and everything going for them.
 Now I cant look at her photo without a feeling of contempt.

I visited them in England in June 2008 after all this had come out the previous December.
I am very independant and do my own itenery on internet and travel on my own
UP at 5am in the morning before they rise for work and back at anything from 6pm to 10pm at night depending on how far I travelled.

She was in the kitchen preparing lunch for work the next day and my son said" Maybe you could put something together for my mother"
Once she had sorted out their lunch she said "you can come and sort out your mothers sh...   --in front of me.
I think it just came out. This lady started changing my mind about her.

Still I think they are good for each other but I dont think she is good for me.
I really really never ever want to be an interferring MIL. (read my post under My MIL story)

When her parents visited last Dec. her mother phoned to ask if I would like her to take their presents with her.
She was very friendly on the phone but I have lost faith in the family--I dont trust her mother now and however much she may try and regain it I will always be wary.


Offline Pen

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2010, 09:47:56 PM »
Rude, rude, rude. She wouldn't talk that way to a stranger on the street, but thinks it's OK to talk to her own MIL like that. Maybe we do need to call them on it, like a teacher would say to a student: "That was rude.  We don't talk to others that way. You owe the (class, me, DS, whomever) an apology."
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

catchingup

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2010, 02:26:20 AM »
IWhen I read the posts on this forum and the problems mother-in-laws have it all seems to revolve round a fight to see the grandchildren and ill treatment from DIL
I had a terrible MIL and vowed I would not interfere.
My future DIL and her family seem to want to drag me into  arguments


I dont have grandchildren but I hope that I dont allow myself to spend my life fighting to have contact with them.

I used the username catchingup because that is exactly what I am doing now that my children are independant and no longer living at home.

I have my own hobbies and interests that keep me so busy that I dont have time to get into family arguments and spend my energy trying to please a DIL.
I dont need anyones approval to live my life as I see fit and while they are changing dirty nappies and attending to screaming kids I shall be free to do as I please. ::) ;D

I love babies and had 3 sons myself but how many years do grandparents have left?
It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies.

I have 3 sons I can be proud of and the day my son is as rude to his FMIL as his girlfriend has been to me I will know I failed him

AMEN ;D ;)
« Last Edit: March 02, 2010, 02:30:56 AM by catchingup »

cocobars

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2010, 02:34:23 AM »
Hi catchingup!

I wish more people had your view.  I think life is so much better when I can just be myself!  I think you're very healthy and brave!

Have I given you a hug yet?  I am doing it now!  Thank you for joining our group here! :)
« Last Edit: March 02, 2010, 03:05:35 AM by cocobars »

2chickiebaby

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #9 on: March 02, 2010, 05:12:08 AM »
IWhen I read the posts on this forum and the problems mother-in-laws have it all seems to revolve round a fight to see the grandchildren and ill treatment from DIL
I had a terrible MIL and vowed I would not interfere.
My future DIL and her family seem to want to drag me into  arguments


I dont have grandchildren but I hope that I dont allow myself to spend my life fighting to have contact with them.

I used the username catchingup because that is exactly what I am doing now that my children are independant and no longer living at home.

I have my own hobbies and interests that keep me so busy that I dont have time to get into family arguments and spend my energy trying to please a DIL.
I dont need anyones approval to live my life as I see fit and while they are changing dirty nappies and attending to screaming kids I shall be free to do as I please. ::) ;D

I love babies and had 3 sons myself but how many years do grandparents have left?
It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies.

I have 3 sons I can be proud of and the day my son is as rude to his FMIL as his girlfriend has been to me I will know I failed him

AMEN ;D ;)

I love the part about not spending time with people who don't want you. Now, if only I could put it in practice for my heart.  I wish my heart knew those words!!!!! :-\
THank you, Catching....

Offline Barbie

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2010, 07:54:06 AM »
I have my own hobbies and interests that keep me so busy that I dont have time to get into family arguments and spend my energy trying to please a DIL.
I dont need anyones approval to live my life as I see fit and while they are changing dirty nappies and attending to screaming kids I shall be free to do as I please. 

I love babies and had 3 sons myself but how many years do grandparents have left?
It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


I finally reached this stage, it took me four long years but I did it!

Marilyn

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2010, 09:42:25 AM »
Catchingup,I absolutely love your attitude!!!!!!

"It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies."

As long as we keep rewarding bad behavior,things never change.Self respect is the only way to ever get pass the hurt. About 8 months ago,i had a "light bulb moment".After 6 yrs of my DIL treating and talking to me like i was chopped liver.I told my son how proud i was of him,and how successful i felt as a parent.When he ask why?I told him because he was so good to my DIL and her family.That no amount of money,or college taught him that,it was his up bringing.I even took it one step further,then next time i saw my DIL's mother,who has been the biggest instagater.We were just having a casual conversation,i told her,i hope you know how lucky you are to have a SIL like my son.She hung her head,and could not look at me.And i truly meant every word i said.One of my good friends,that knows my DIL's mother said to me"after i told her what i said" OMG,OMG,i couldn't of said that,after all the things they have done to you.I said,but it is so true,so i feel like you do.
The day my son is as rude to his MIL as my DIL has been to me,i know i failed him.


I just ran across this little quote yesterday!!!! .... ...."to me"little signs from God!!!I felt very validated in my thoughts,and feelings.


"If we have true compassion in our hearts,our children will be educated wisely"

I typed this out on some colored paper yesterday,and put in in a little frame.

Today,i will type out.


"It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies."

I love this,and thank you Catchingup,words from another Wise Women!!!!



 






Offline Scoop

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2010, 06:23:42 PM »
Catchingup, I would like to give you a different perspective on the making lunch / visit scenario. 

I realize that you are independent, but I know that *I* wouldn't like it if someone came to visit us and then screwed off for the whole day, especially if I didn't know to expect you for dinner or not.  I'm not saying you're wrong and DIL is right, I'm saying that different people have different expectations, and without communication, then this stuff festers.  Some people would be pleased by a guest who doesn't need to be 'babysat', some would maybe wonder if they were being used as simply a hotel.

Also, if my DH asked me to make a lunch for my MIL, I would be very pissed.  I'm a *planner*, I plan meals, I plan groceries, I plan visits.  So if I had planned for NOT providing lunches, it would fluster me to have to plan a lunch.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but I would immediately think “what does MIL like to eat for lunch” and "we don't have a lunch bag for MIL" and "what do we have to send with her that doesn't need to be re-heated" and "will we have enough lunch-items to last us the week" and "okay, when can I get a chance to run and pick up more lunch-items".  Seriously, I've been thinking about this all day, and it took HOURS for me to realize that I could send your lunch in a large freezer bag.

My ideal scenario would be for the MIL in the scenario to say “DS!  Don’t  ask your wife to make me a lunch!  I can make my own lunch, or I can pick something up on my travels.”  Just being ‘stuck up for’ would count for me, and I would probably make you the lunch.  But DH would get an earful later on.  If he wants you to have a lunch, he can freakin’ well make it himself.

As for the sh!t comment.  I will admit that I use *sh!t* and *stuff* interchangeably.  “Sh!t” doesn’t mean “poop” to me, it means “stuff”.  Although I try not to curse in front of my IL’s, if I was pissed at my DH, and running through lunch ideas ect, I would probably have snapped too.  But not in anger at YOU, in anger at DH, for treating me like the “little wife”.

Imagine if you had said (jokingly) “If that’s what you’re sending in my lunch, I don’t want any!”  Even in my outrage at DH’s presumptuousness, I would have been sheepish and apologized.

In the end, this looks to me like a communication problem, with some un-met expectations mixed in, on both sides.  I think your best bet would be to talk with your DS about it and see if he can figure out where the landmines are for you and DIL and see if he can help you BOTH negotiate them.

catchingup

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2010, 09:52:21 PM »
I agree wholeheartedly with what you say.

This was said on the day of my arrival. Normal proceedure (I had visited before) was for me to go shopping,prepare my own lunch but I had not been to the shops yet.
As for the part about using their flat as a dump myself down and disappear for the day is true. They are at work all day so I have to travel on my own and prefer to do so anyway.

One week-end during my stay my son asked me if I would like to go with them to Windsor Castle. I had other plans but said I would cancel them.
He did add though that his girlfriend had said "Oh I thought we were going alone to spend some time together" How selfish??
I had not depended on them for anything and I can assure you if that was her mother it would have been a differant story.

My son has spent a month travelling in South Africa with her family,been to Thailand with her family,to Europe with her family. One day is too much for her.Grrrrrrrrrr  too much for me these days too.

Young people can be very self- centered. I am sure making lunch for  her mother would be no problem. You see it is her mother,her Father, her this, her that.
Well she can" her "what she wants I am quite capable of making my own lunch,enjoy my own company and would probably become totally bored spending it trying to please her.

My son has told me he finds it restricts him going away on holiday for long periods of time with the future- in-laws and as I said before I had terrible MIL problems and will not interfere but I can see that family running his life. I have cautioned him and he is a person who will examine my opinion.

Neverthless,this is an imperfect world and I have never felt that my son and his girlfriend are not suited.In fact she is level headed,well educated except for her manners towards me and I hope they get married because they have been together for 9 years.

Afterall one never knows what may come next.Better the devil I know than the one I dont know. ;D ;D
 As I said in my previous post. "It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as nobodies"






« Last Edit: March 02, 2010, 10:04:48 PM by catchingup »

Sassy

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Re: I did not say this
« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2010, 10:36:37 PM »
South Africa sounds so exotic and beautiful to me.  Wise women unite across the globe.

It's a shame DS was so angry when he confronted you via email, instead of him asking you, about AuntIL relaying to FDIL her "little" miscommunicated offense.    Unfair accusations are so - unfair.  I understand your offense at AuntIL, FDIL and DS for  thinking you said that.    It's a shame in many ways.   DS believed FDIL, she told him what she thought to be true.  FDIL didn't think her Aunt lied, particularly since Aunt wasn't "lying" when she spoke, because that is what Aunt probably thought she truly heard.   Your response was clever and amusing.   I wonder how embarassed Aunt might have been, had Aunt found out it was her ears and apparent self-consiousness verging on paranoia that erred, and not you.  I wonder if FAuntIL and FDIL would have taken the opportunity to apologize and make amends to you.

The second incident with FMIL probably compounded the pain of DS's accusation in the first.  It's true the less you are around them, the less material they will have to twist. 

The passing of invites may be more informal in FDIL's family, and I hope were not intended to be rude to you. 

I too read FDIL's comment as a response to her BF's could-be-touchy approach to her.  My DH and I have a longstanding feminist joke "Woman, make me a sandwich!" which taken to the third party degree may have touched off a real chord in her.  She may have been especially irritated that he asked her a favor in front of you, if she felt he used your presence to put her on the spot, so she used your presence back against him.   Which is not nice.  I'm very sorry you had to hear that.  It could not have been pleasant, especially as their guest.

FDIL's family seems to be more trouble for you than FDIL herself.  Sometimes it might be hard to sort the icky feelings about DS AuntIL and FMIL, from FDIL's actions as an individual.   I imagine there are probably other events concerning FDIL, that she herself has done to lose your trust since the unfortunate 2008 sandwich snapping at DS.

I'm not sure if you've hoping to perhaps find a way to help DS hurting from the families falling out?  If so, my thought is perhaps you and DS can work something out.  Perhaps you would be more willing to risk communicating with his ILs, if DS would agree to give you the benefit of the doubt, ask questions before shooting accusations at you, and if he'd agree to treat you with the respect you deserve from him, the next time a possible IL "word twist" is brought to his attention.