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"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

The Blessing Here

Started by 2chickiebaby, February 23, 2010, 06:21:48 am

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I can see where on this site, the DILs can help us in so many ways on how to deal with our own DILs and family members. :)

Like Scoop, she and the others can give us sometimes funny comments to give us ammunition when we are confronted without warning with baffling remarks, hurtful remarks from our DILs.

Most of us have these things come out of nowhere so we are so shocked by them that we stay silent.  We need to understand what is going on and I think, I hope and pray they can help. :)


February 23, 2010, 06:40:48 am #1 Last Edit: February 23, 2010, 06:44:03 am by cocobars
This is a good post Chickie!

What a profound and true statement.  This started out as a site for MIL's (MILU), but without the input of the DIL's we have had, there are things we would never understand.

Carmexx just replied this morning to Renny's post about her upcoming BD's, etc ("How to deal with DIL's BD).  We have been racking our brains on this post trying to help Renny figure out what to do, but she just walked in and said the simplest thing, which made more sense than any of us! 

I have noticed this happening so much, and really am growing to have even more of an appreciation of our DIL's on this site for their understanding and perceptions!


me too, at first I was afraid of them but now, I think they will be more help to us and maybe us to them than we ever dreamed.

What a true miracle.....I never dreamed it would happen like this. That's the thing with miracles, they happen when you least expect it. :)


Each one of them has brought something special in with them.  Scoop has kept us rolling with laughter, you are right about her!


February 23, 2010, 07:02:14 am #4 Last Edit: February 23, 2010, 07:08:14 am by cocobars
The simple fact that your own fears have been put to rest, is a miracle!  You are feeling better about your site and more comfortable with women who (in your past) have been a great source of sorrow for you, Chickie. 

I see the difference :)

Not only are we healing, but we are growing!


I definitely agree. It is okay to find humor. This stuff, seems so ridiculous to have to contend with. I never thought as I got older, I'd have to walk into a room of bullies, and get ready to rumble....Who knew?

I totally view the posts, as help and nothing but. I am so blessed to have a venting post of mine, turn into such supportive advice and caring.

I am aware that I have to take on the whole room...because it is just basically unfair.

A few members of her family are morbidly obese--I have NEVER ever made one comment. My DIL, feeling bad one day? Said to me that "it runs in her family." It must have just crossed her mind? That would be easy to attack if I was an evil as they. But, they don't consider anyone else's feelings.

I thank the DILs knowing that they really do care about MILs that are really getting the full blast from inlaws. Like I said, everything I say doesn't come out exactly right, but they are taking their issues out on me. I cannot imagine their personal lives or what they call "love."


This is a sweet post. It makes me happy. I had an extreme MIL case before with my XMIL and I know what its like to deal with someone very dysfunctional and Narcissistic. My own M has a DIL that can be difficult to her and it hurts me how that happens. My M is a reasonable person and sweet and is not meddling. So I can see it from both ends of the spectrum and appreciate hurt feelings on both sides. Not all MIL's are evil just like not all DIL's are evil. But there are a select few who are. ;) And those people are the reason we go on the internet and type in a search for difficult IL's hoping to find others who are going through the same thing we are. Finding these communities on line are a God send and blessing.

Oh and I know some good resources on line for verbal abuse and info on Narcissists. :) Just ask and I'll be happy to help out.


Hi secondwife! 

Can you go into the resources folder and post those?  I think allot of women would find them interesting and helpful.  There is a folder there for internet...


Dear Second Wife,
Maybe you can help me.  After years of being drawn into the web by one of my DILs and used to death, worked to death and her turning me against the other DIL, I'm sitting here wondering how I fell for this?  This is CDIL (close DIL)

The other DIL was really hateful too but this one who I was close to, I realize is nothing but a user who will use anyone and anything to get what she wants. The second you have a need, she is not there, ever.  Not ever.  If you need one thing, even a listening ear, she has to go and can't even listen.

I feel used and am after all these years getting madder and madder at her and our son for allowing it.  He has dropped his own brother because his wife, for whatever reason, doesn't want them in their lives.

His brother couldn't be a more wonderful person.  He married a stomper, a fit throwing woman but in her own way, much nicer than the one I was close to. 

Help if you can.  What would make a human being use people for their own gain?  What would make her give just enough attention so she can get something from you.  She is the one I always referred to as Close DIL. (CDIL.) 

One thing:  the other DIL, (DDIL) Distant DIL,  has her own set of horribleness.  I'm worn out, really sad about them both but most of all sad about the close one.  I am nothing but a sucker. 


Chickie,  forgive yourself for being taken in.  We all would have been if in your shoes.  When our sons meet these wonderful girls and marry them, we naturally think our families just grew into something big and fun!  In all the excitement, we "want" those women they brought in to share that excitement and would not expect to be used by them.  I can only hope your sons wake up and see what's going on someday.  You did nothing wrong. 

You loved them because your sons did.  Seeing your sons love these women made you accepting of them.  You may even say you were as blindly "loving of them" as your sons.  You woke up.  They may stay for other reasons they can't tell you about, but I don't believe men can live in a controlling atmosphere forever.  I believe your sons will come back someday.  I have to believe that!


Thank you so much, is very hard to know you've just been used.  I want to live through this but don't know how.


I don't know what to tell you to do.  I've spent three years getting over being used.  I'm much better now than I used to be.  I don't think it matters who does the using, it just makes you ashamed for falling so hard.  That's why I understood what you were feeling, Chickie.  I had to learn to forgive myself too.  We are human and we need to allow ourselves to make mistakes trusting people who may not deserve our trust.  If those people will treat us that way, then they have no self-respect.  It's hard to respect anyone else until you have and know how to respect yourself.  Once I realized that one thing, I felt sorry for the person who destroyed my trust.  They are doing things like that because of "them," not us.

Hold your head up and give yourself credit for that huge heart!  It was DIL's loss, not yours.


You did what you did out of love, with all good intentions and pure motives...if they wiped their feet on it by using you, that's on them. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Erring on the side of love is a much better way to live than always being suspicious and never letting anyone in. Most of the time we get love back, but every now and then someone stomps on us. If it happened all the time, we wouldn't be here questioning it because it would be normal to us!

Now I need to listen to my own words :)  Aren't we glad we're like we are and not like them?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


I agree so much Penstamen.  The hardest part is usually listening to your own words and remembering them when we're caught off guard.  It doesn't hurt to keep trying!  Although sometimes it's just funny to look back at our own reactions when we are trying to look composed! ;D :o


"Help if you can.  What would make a human being use people for their own gain?  What would make her give just enough attention so she can get something from you.  She is the one I always referred to as Close DIL. (CDIL.)

One thing:  the other DIL, (DDIL) Distant DIL,  has her own set of horribleness.  I'm worn out, really sad about them both but most of all sad about the close one.  I am nothing but a sucker. "

Narcissists use other people for their own gain because they can't see them as a person. Narcissists only see people as tools. It hard to understand too. And the fact that she gives you just a little bit of attention to then turn around and flat out abuse you, that is another tactic for control as well.  And you get sucked in because there ARE good moments too. There is a cycle of abuse. It goes - rise of tension, abuse, honeymoon period. Don't blame yourself for being a sucker. Its not your fault. ((((hugs))))

I honestly can't understand why someone would intentionally hurt another person too. We can't understand because we are not that way. You can't understand someone who is mentally ill, just as Narcissism is a personality disorder.