Author Topic: Re: Anyone heard of this? - New Member  (Read 1410 times)

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summergirl123

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Re: Anyone heard of this? - New Member
« on: November 21, 2011, 09:49:02 AM »
Hi All,
New here - and came to the sight because there was so hoopla mentioned in another site I was visiting.  Anyhow, may be one of those 1 - time only visits because from the first read - clearly seems to have more MIL's on than I'm used to hearing from.  However, not that this is a bad thing - I've just had so much trouble with my DH's family over the years that part of me doesn't really care anymore to hear "the other side".  With that said - I will say that of course, any intelligent person would know there are always two sides to every story - and MIL's can be no less and no more crazy than DIL's and vice versa. 

I really only wanted to post here because I read someone's post about how tired they are of catering to their DIL's FOO's holiday schedule etc.  I totally understand that and feel sorry for anyone who is at the mercy of someone who is family but really treats them as an outsider.  My DH and I have always treated both his family and mine with love and we truly value the relationships that family can offer.  But, here's a different perspective.  Over the years, I've spent so much time trying to keep everyone together.  It felt like I was always the one to suggest we go visit DH's family out of town, or that DH go and spend time with them or I'd be the one to call and say "hey, what's everyone doing for Thanksgiving or Christmas or Halloween or whenever...."  It just became tiring to always give and to receive so little back.  As a good example, Thanksgiving is in four days and I decided not to say anything - just to see what would happen.  We do have my family coming to town but in the past have always included DH's family if they wanted to be included.  I'm somewhat OCD about details and this means that I would let them know what was planned weeks in advance.  So, here we are and as of last night, my poor DH still doesn't know what his family are doing and mind you, they just moved to our area.  We know what his Sister is doing - but it is so frustrating because it seems like all his family want from us is what would benefit them.  Another good example, I've often included Sister and her family when my family would come to visit - come over for dinner, come to this festival ----but it was never the reverse.

I don't think it is fair to say that it is just MIL's that are left out - often I find that as the wife of the only son and there being only one sister - that we are treated like outcasts.  And, someone also posted here "why would someone marry into a family that they maybe weren't fond of..." Maybe it is how I was brought up  - but a marriage is really between two people - joined together to start a new life together.  Just like kids do not get to pick their parents, their siblings, their cousins etc....why should it be that parents think they have a say in whom their children pick?   To be fair, I honestly think this could be the biggest issue between DIL's and MIL's or IL's in general.  Instead of thinking that they have a say in the choice of whom their child picks to be in love with and to marry and possibly raise a family with, perhaps they should just accept that this is the choice and leave it at that.  We tend to go along with the antics of the crazy Aunt or the spoiled rotten sister or the sour grandfather - all because they are family.  But, it's the one that marries into the family that seems to be judged so harshly.  And, for those DIL's that judge their IL's back that same is so wrong. 

As for the book - I think it will be a fun read after this holiday.  I never know what crazy thing my IL's will do and feel like I'm always on guard.  The one post who said that if you don't like someone anything they do will seem negative - yes!!! I absolutely agree with that.  But, once you are aware of your feelings - there is a way to decide if your feelings are truly fair.  What I do is always say - would it upset me if my sister did the same thing?  If I answer yes, then I feel like I'm being fair to my IL's but if I answer no - then I try to give the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe MIL's could do the same - if the behavior of an DIL upsets them - try seeing that same behavior from a daughter or a son and see if that still upsets you as much.  If not, maybe you are being unfair.
« Last Edit: November 21, 2011, 10:12:45 AM by pam1 »

Offline pam1

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Re: Anyone heard of this? - New Member
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2011, 10:14:57 AM »
Welcome Summergirl123 :)

Please read the Forum Agreement and History of WWU (top two threads highlighted in pink) in the category Open Me First.  I moved your post into it's own thread so that our other members can see we have a new member and come in and welcome you.

I can relate to a lot of what you posted, I think you're perspective will be valuable here and many posters will be able to relate.  Welcome again.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pen

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Re: Anyone heard of this? - New Member
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2011, 12:39:35 PM »
Welcome, Summergirl. We love to get thoughtful DIL perspectives here! Thanks for your post. Yes, this site seems to have more MILs than DILs, but there are many DIL sites (some that are pretty sarcastic and MIL-bashing in nature) so WWU has become an oasis for MILs and DILs who aren't into tearing down other people.

I may be one of the posters you refer to; I have questioned why someone would marry into a family only to wish they didn't exist, and I have also stated that DILs have the choice to marry or not, but MILs don't have the choice of who their kids marry. Let me be clear that I don't mean we MILs should have a choice, just that we don't. For example, as I've bored everyone with for years now, my DIL has been very judgmental about us, our home, our childrearing methods, our professions, etc. etc. ultimately telling DS, who was suprised & upset to hear her opinions, that we've done nothing wrong, but she hated us anyway and thought we were losers; we were shunned for many months. If she knew this about us before the wedding, why would she still want to marry DS unless she had an agenda to cut us off from day one?

BTW, I was treated horribly as a DIL during my first marriage. I left because I knew my ILs would never accept me and it never occurred to me to try to cut them off from their DS.

Regarding feeling left out, my issues have more to do with DIL's FOO getting all the time and attention and DS's FOO being an afterthought. As a married woman I totally get that a marriage is "between two people." I just wish DIL's FOO understood that concept.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline jdtm

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Re: Anyone heard of this? - New Member
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2011, 02:07:11 PM »
Quote
I don't think it is fair to say that it is just MIL's that are left out - often I find that as the wife of the only son and there being only one sister - that we are treated like outcasts.

I'm the lucky one on this site - I'm both.  Our now ex-DIL left us out and so did/does my husband's family (he has two sisters and no brothers).  For years I tried to keep my husband's family together - the only one who would hold family celebrations after my kind MIL was unable (and I'm talking more than 30 people).  I've been told by three of my husband's family members (obviously not my MIL) that I'm an outsider and "everyone in the family hates me; so why don't I just leave".  I was asked to leave not only my husband but my children.  Surprisingly, most of our/his nieces and nephews accept me.  When my dear mother passed away, my husband's family sent flowers with only one sister's signature - one sister said she did not know the family well enough to "donate" $20 (we've been married more than 40 years) and the other sister could not wait to tell me.  That was the "straw" which broke this camel's back.  That was also the "straw" where my husband finally complained to his family that he was tired of the way his family treated his wife.  We are still "speaking" but I just don't try as hard.  Both my sisters-in-law are not well and we don't help them or visit them as much as we could.  I still am fond of my MIL - it is his sisters and a couple of other family members who are so jealous.

As for our DIL - she is now our ex-DIL but struggles continue in the family.  She always claimed we were "not very sophisticated" as we did not serve wine or dress "in the latest style".  We also were accused of things we did not do, or say or even think.  When she left our son and abandoned her children, our son told us she was an alcoholic - guess that explains the "wine" accusations.  Things are getting better with our son but it is a slow process.  Yup - I'm the lucky one on this board.  I totally get your point of view.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Anyone heard of this? - New Member
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2011, 02:10:59 PM »
Welcome SG and I second what Pen said.  We do have more MILs here than DILs, but I do think that's because this is a site meant for sharing the other perspective and offering support from both sides.  You will also find that many of us here that are MILs were/are also DILS that have experienced pretty rough inlaws too, so we understand the DIL side as well.  We also do not cater to the MIL/DIL profiling but take each story on it's own merit.

I don't blame you if you are putting in all the constant effort and time to try and keep the inlaw relationship alive, that you have reached a point where you are tired of doing it all.  Many of us here, including myself, have stated more than once we know our issues are with our DS's too and that they carry much of the responsibility for the strains on the relationships. 

I also agree, no marriage should be based on what the family is like.  I know many great people who have horrible families. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Anyone heard of this? - New Member
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2011, 03:06:02 PM »
Summergirl123 - We did start out all MILs. Then so many DILs came here (tired of the hoopla on other sites?) that we changed our name from MotherInLaws Unite to Wise Women Unite. I would suggest you step back a bit and read multiple posts to get a feel of our site. Then, if it feels like a fit, you'll know. Our agreement works for us. There is no place here for judgment or criticism. Most of us have had enough of that already. It's a "take what you want and leave the rest kind of place." Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline skp

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Re: Anyone heard of this? - New Member
« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2011, 09:34:44 PM »
New poster and brand new mother in law here.  Things haven't started out with my daughter in law as well as I had hoped- a few issues over the wedding.     To bad we can't practice being a mother in law first before we make mistakes.    Anyway..Luckily I found this site ....I have been lurking here for months.  I've found a lot of great information from all you Wise Women that has helped me a lot.   I've followed the advise here and have tried real hard to give my son and daughter in law their space and let them take the lead in the relationship.  Letting them call me.  Not giving advice.  Making a life for myself. etc.  So for this first Thanksgiving I waited for them to make the first move as to what they wanted to do.   Found out last week that they are going to my DIL FOO  and I am alright with that.  But I would be upsest if I found out that she was mad that I didn't initiate because I was only trying to do the right thing and give them their space.

sesamejane

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Re: Anyone heard of this? - New Member
« Reply #7 on: November 21, 2011, 10:29:47 PM »
Gosh I love to read new posts, and especially from dils!  Welcome summergirl and welcome skp.

I have nightmare mil stories - not that she was a terrible person, because I don't think she was - I am just so different from my *former* dh and his family.  I won't go into them, but I was a dil too once.  I loved family get togethers because I had not had that much growing up.  I think that's one of the reasons I married dh - because he had a family that actually did htings together and seemed to love each other.  HOwever, I was the outsider.  In fact, dh mother told me once that her son was "always bringing home strays..."  I was never accepted.  sigh.

Now I am a mil, and I tried very hard to be accepting and patient.  Again, however, it was clear to my dil that my foo was .... hard to  think of a word to capture it, but I guess I could say they were *neglectful* and abusive toward me.  This affected how I was treated by others because I think it took a very long time for me to learn to stick up for myself.  I do that now.  But now I am an old lady.

You sound so lovely summergirl and certainly sound as if you do your best to be accommodating.  I totally get how you wanted to wait this year to see if anyone would reach out to you. 

Yes skp!  Nope we don't get to practice being mils or dils or parents for that matter! 

LOve and blessings to all.  I truly love this site - thanks luise, pen, pooh, rose, and all of you.  Much love to everyone.  I am truly thankful. :-*

Offline tryingmybest

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Re: Anyone heard of this? - New Member
« Reply #8 on: November 22, 2011, 05:10:11 AM »
Welcome to the club Skp. I don''t get DS for the holidays either. The DIL going to her FOO with our DSs in tow seems to be the rule. What I do is say "We'd love to see you over the holidays, let's us know what works for you." And then no pressure or guilt, that's the hard thing for me. My dentist asked me when I'd starting grinding my teeth, the morning after the wedding :-)
We get them Christmas Eve and Thanksgiving Friday. It's not what it was, but it's better then it might be, I just try to ignore the calendar.  ???