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Newlywed having trouble balancing

Started by gaga2525, November 19, 2011, 02:19:59 pm

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I have always been close with my mom. My now husband and I have been together for many years and just recently got married. There was a little tension between my mom and husband before we got married because of personality differences, but they would be nice to each other for the most part. At the wedding, there was some drama over pictures because we were constantly be pulled away to take pictures and when my mom came to ask us for a few more, he got exasperated, but took the pictures and this exasperation offended my mom. She got very upset that night and the next day. She kept crying and saying she did not know how to act around him. She has vented to me about it a few times, but only because I asked. I'm not sure if this is just familial growing pains because my mom and I have always been close, or if I should be really concerned. I don't want to alienate my mom, but I feel like putting my husband first is going to be a problem in her and my relationship. HELP! So confused....


Welcome gaga2525 :)

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History (first two threads highlighted in pink) in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

IMO, I'd let them work it out and not hear complaints about your husband.  Direct your mother to speak to him.  I know it may be hard at first but "start as you mean to go."  The adjustment will be hard on everyone but you need a bubble to establish your new marriage and settling in without worrying about outside unneeded drama.  JMO.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


Yup, a new family unit...you get to make up the rules. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Sounds as though your mother is competing for your attention...OR...if you are an only child or the last child to leave home then your DM might be experiencing empty-nest syndrome...either way she needs to pick up some hobbies. Your DH should always come first, just as you would expect him to put you first!
Also, the advice above is correct - a new family unit needs to adjust and live in it's own bubble for a while. Start creating your own traditions and focus on yourselves for the time being. You don't need to ignore your DM, but don't be at her beck and call. Accept what you can handle and ignore the rest.
"Women are Angels and when someone breaks our wings... we simply continue to fly --- on a broomstick... we are flexible."  ~Anonymous

lancaster lady

Hello Gaga and welcome .......its usually Dil -s that are the probem not son in laws . What is your husbands take on all this ?  Most guys get along with their mom in laws , they usually just want to keep the peace . Also weddings seem to bring out the worst in people , dont ask why , nobody really knows .Perhaps its just everyone's way of establishing their position in the pecking order . I would detach from mom in a.kind way , still keep contact of course , but concentrate on your husband just a bit more . She is just adjusting to her new position in the queue .Ad long as she knows you are still there for her I think things will be ok .     Congratulations , hope you'll be very happy .


Gaga- sounds like your Mom is unsure of the relationship between herself and DH. The advisc I would give from my experience is that you should encourage their relationship by telling each one the good qualities of the other, and keep your Mom in your life so she does not feel she has lost you. Never, never complain about what one does to the other-that is the cause of most relationship problems between in-laws.


Quote from: gaga2525 on November 19, 2011, 02:19:59 pm
She got very upset that night and the next day. She kept crying and saying she did not know how to act around him.

I would venture to guess that this is more about the passage she's going through (menopause maybe, an adult child moving on, looking at the last 1/2 of life) than about you or your husband. 

I think if you'll treat her the way that you would want to be treated in the same situation that's a good way to go.  That includes if she is annoying and upsetting.  If I was acting irrationally, I would hope that my family could find a way to set me straight but do it with kindness!


 I have to admit something here...yikes.  :-\  (this is scary) This might not be the most ethical thing to do, but I have done it before.  In fact, I did it recently. 

A dear friend of mine met a new friend of mine, and my dear friend expressed some fears about my new friend not liking her.  Well, I sorta exaggerated ever so slightly and told her that "Really?  She said she really liked you and it seemed to me that she meant it."  Now my new friend had not exactly said that, but she did ask me out to lunch and asked me to invite my dear friend."  Well, that was because earlier I had told my new friend how much my dear friend enjoyed meeting her.   :-[

Manipulative I know, but I wanted them to get off on the right foot because I like them both so much and feel they have a lot in common besides me.  It has gone really well.