Author Topic: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern  (Read 3834 times)

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Offline luise.volta

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DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« on: February 18, 2010, 11:44:22 PM »
*Note* - This post came in as a PM from tillykilly and I couldn't respond to her for some reason

thank god i have managed to find somewhere and someone out there who is living a similar nightmare and heartbreak.
my son and dil were out of my life for over 2 yrs and now since being pregnant and having my grandson they have been coming around. they still seem to be waving the white flag one minute and like a bull to red one the next, i have upset my dil with an innocent remark and my son laid into me in a foul mouthed way.  they seem intent on trying to prise as much money out of me as appears decent and doing a few things that seem family and mil friendly but i walk on eggs shells with her and my son i now take issue with when he disses me for no reason.  i always loving kind and supportive and never step into their space or even call as they control all that and i just go along with them and what they want, thaouh i still feel my dil is being crafty and sly and putting bullets in the gun for my son to fire please help what can i do next other than fall oveer board when and if they push for it.  god bless all us great and loving mums
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cremebrulee

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2010, 04:34:13 AM »
*Note* - This post came in as a PM from tillykilly and I couldn't respond to her for some reason

thank god i have managed to find somewhere and someone out there who is living a similar nightmare and heartbreak.
my son and dil were out of my life for over 2 yrs and now since being pregnant and having my grandson they have been coming around. they still seem to be waving the white flag one minute and like a bull to red one the next, i have upset my dil with an innocent remark and my son laid into me in a foul mouthed way.  they seem intent on trying to prise as much money out of me as appears decent and doing a few things that seem family and mil friendly but i walk on eggs shells with her and my son i now take issue with when he disses me for no reason.  i always loving kind and supportive and never step into their space or even call as they control all that and i just go along with them and what they want, thaouh i still feel my dil is being crafty and sly and putting bullets in the gun for my son to fire please help what can i do next other than fall oveer board when and if they push for it.  god bless all us great and loving mums

Two years is not a long time to be going thru this, so I'm thinking this poor woman  is still in a mode of shock and not able to see things as they are...we go into a shock mode, then denial and make every excuse for them we can...and keep trying and trying, until we finally understand, they don't want us in they're lives...

I would suggest, first, that this woman, stop giving them money, it won't buy they're affections or make them be any closer to her....they are using her and she is making herself the victim, plus enabling they're behavior...then, I would suggest, she get into counseling immediately...I didn't and it nearly ate me up, and I  was like her, not living close to them, or interferring...matter of fact, I took a huge back step and allowed his father and step mother priority when it came to spending time with my son...I had to...

Also my advice to her would be some self help books...at this point, as I said, she is still in schock and denial therefore, it's going to be a slow hard process for her...however, I would also suggest to her that she come over here to this site and read...

It's so sad when this happens and breaks your heart to imagine a son and DIL being so cruel and unthinking, why do these husbands fall for this?  I just don't get it, even though I've gone thru it...it's so much hate, vindictive, selfish and cruel...this is, and I don't know how the rest of you gals feel, but it's like a divorce, only the bruses inside, last a lifetime...

Luise, can you ask her to join here? 

Perhaps all the ladies can help her?




2chickiebaby

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2010, 05:32:14 AM »
You're in shock right now, Tillykilly. The pattern is to keep giving and giving, all the while being shown how they acting.  You think it can't be happening.  So you keep giving and loving more.  It's like an abusive relationship. 

I think your son is in the training mode of showing his wife how he can dismiss his Mother and talk to her like he is talking to you.  His wife is listening and applauds him for standing up for her.  He gets praised from her.

You try harder and harder, just for one smile from them. 

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  You're in the beginning (so sorry to have to tell you that!!! but you are.  Try, if you can to stop this "at the pass" by not allowing the treatment anymore. !!!!!

She is cutting him from the herd.  Please get back to us.  We've all been through it.  Bless you!!

cocobars

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2010, 05:55:43 AM »
Hi tillykilly, and welcome to our group here! 

Next time you sign on here, go to the "Open Me First" folder and read through the first two entries that are listed there.  This will help you a little with the site and how it works.

Then click on the "Home" button on the top, left of your screen.  This will give you the main (or home) menu.  From that menu, you can go to (correction-) "Forum Support" and click on that, then check each of the listings there.  This will help you further with instructions on how to list your own postings and reply to others here.  While you're here, if you have any questions, just post them using the instructions there.  I'll get back to you and walk you through if need be!

  Each time you want to go back to the main or home page to see the listings again, just click on that "Home" button again.

We are happy you're here, and I believe you have found a place of support that will be healing for you! 

We are looking forward to hearing from you! :)
« Last Edit: February 19, 2010, 08:17:57 AM by cocobars »

tillykilly

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2010, 06:55:16 AM »
hi everyone so sorry not replied but new to pc and stuff and finding it difficult to get around this site  but i hope i am getting there.  i read replies thank you so much and i have a big lump in my throat feeling the loving kindness of your words and support.  this was just the tip of the iceberg although they have now been back for almost 2yrs it has been a constant struggle to keep on top or up with their game.  now i give only that which i see fitting and as i want ie to baby and on visiting i also sent emails to my son about his behaviour and explained how he made me feel and his attitude obnoxious and unkind was not being tolerated and that i deserved an apology..i cant tell you what it took for me to speak up to his bullying but he did apologise and i also printed off stuff about emotional abuse and gave that to him along with the print out emails...he does seem to be trying....this is just one son...i have 3 others who were all abusive and one i have not seen for over 4yrs the 2 eldest deeply abusive and one other dil i have severed ties i think once and for all this i did last year as i could not stand the pain and hurt of their malicious and bullying ways any longer ..i thought i would be better off lonely and alone almost entirely than to have them systematically destroy me heart and soul...i have not heard a word from them since last year 9mths...i want so desparately to be able to have a loving and caring and truthfull relationship with the youngest and dil and gson, but at what cost..at the moment i think i am holding my own, and they try it on, but are finding my goal posts have moved!!! I dont want to be dumped like before,..love to you all

cocobars

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2010, 07:00:20 AM »
YAY! ;D  You're here!  Don't worry about being new to the pc world.  You can  post any questions you have here on your own post.  I'll answer them, even if they have nothing to do with this site.  You are amoung a group of loving, caring and understanding women who have all been in the place you are now.

I believe by coming on this site (I'm so happy you have a pc!), you will begin to feel differently by all the support you receive.  It has changed our lives, and I hope it does yours as well! :D

Hang in!  You have more replies on their way to you...
« Last Edit: February 19, 2010, 07:07:58 AM by cocobars »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2010, 07:08:04 AM »
Good going...you're in! Congrats for not giving up!  ;D Another good place to go to get used to our Web-forum is the General Category and under that, Forum Support.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2010, 08:20:06 AM »
I corrected my previous post here with directions for you!  I mis-quoted the folder to go to for support and Luise corrected that underneath my post.  I am sorry if I confused you and am happy you found out what to do!  LOL!

I had quoted "Helpful Resources" when that should have been "Forum Support!"

Marilyn

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2010, 11:44:11 AM »
Welcome Tillykilly,I truly understand your hurt,pain, and confusion.We can't change other people.We can only change how we react to other peoples crazy behavior.We have to learn how to not let it affect us,and destroy our life.And that is very hard work on our part.Don't blame your self,or have a lot of self doubt.I'm sure the more you read and post here,the more confidence you'll have.
This is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with,i'm sure every one on this site will agree.I'm glad you found us,it has helped me so much,just to know that i'm not alone.

I know we all can help with the distress your going thru,God Bless and
sending you a hug

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2010, 12:29:22 PM »
And please don't fret to much about the learning curve you are one and being self-taught. Me, too!  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2010, 05:01:35 AM »
I received a PM from tillykilly at 1:40am (ET) that I have copied and pasted below:

hi all thanks for replies still finding way around but practise   can you help me furthur with last message sent to luise on 19th as gave update and more details i can rewrite if necessary and how do i know where to look for messages...outbox....  so i can make a recap and keep up.  darling lassies i am so thank ful that you  are doing all you can not just my dil and sons but this very user friendly site patience and practise   i will get there ...blessings to allx

renny97

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2010, 07:58:56 AM »
Welcome, TK.
You will feel right at home, here. I have been here less than a month, and feel so much better than the pain that brought me. You will be understood. You don't have to feel bad about wanting to be treated right. The cost is health and heartbreak. And, what is to be in life, will come, no matter how hard we want things to be different.

There is no weakness in letting go. That is strength. That is key to healing, I believe.

I have learned that I do not have to get along with in-laws. It is okay. I'll be here.



I have only one son. I cannot imagine having other adult children and going through this.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2010, 08:29:50 AM »
T/K - This is where dialogue takes place. Just ignore the Personal Messaging, please. You have posted here once...#4. Just keep it up. Thanks.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #13 on: February 21, 2010, 06:24:55 AM »
Hi again tilly!  I'm glad you made it back and that you are learning how to use your computer a bit!  LOL!

Life has been hard for you lately and I have to agree with your feelings about being kicked down.  The important thing is that you are still standing - and standing well!  That's really all I feel that can be done.  We have so many problems with adult children, but what I believe this stage of life for us ultimately comes down to, is finding ourselves without our children and learning to enjoy life -for us! 

Three years ago I had lost everything in my world and was a lonely as you are (I'm so sorry about your loss!).  In the last three years, I have learned to "like" being alone.  I reached a place where I couldn't sit and cry anymore, and that proved to be a good place for me, because I started looking inside myself for happiness and stopped depending on other's for my own happiness.  It's been a very long road to here, and I still have bad days, but the good news is that now they are just "days," not weeks!  Progress is sometimes very slow for some of us and each of us has a different time period for mourning.  Most people would think I was taking too long, but it's my pace and I did my best.  I'm still doing all that I can and although it's been slow, now I can look back and see the progress.  When I was going through it I saw none - being able to see it has only come in the last year and is encouraging enough to help me move faster.

I'm telling you all of this, because I feel you are in the same place I was.  Everyone is different, but I believe if you start looking within yourself and have patience with yourself that's a first step.  It doesn't matter how long that takes, it's your pace and you have your own.

The best thing I can tell you is that.  Move on with your life and fill your days with things that make "you" happy.  When you have done something good - reward yourself and be good to yourself.  Your sons aren't going to do that for you anymore.  It's sad, but I believe it's true. 

You have already found something that will reward you for who you are and have created an interest that will bring your spirits up.  Your computer - and this site.  We are not experts here, but are women just like you.  We came through this door limping and hurting, just like you.  You have found a support system that many of us find comfort in, and you will learn so much about yourself - I know I have! 

Being alone can be lonely, but if views another way - it can also be solitude.  I hope you find that solitude and learn to smile here!  You just may find yourself going on walks, sitting outside with your coffee and listening to the sounds of the birds and neighbors, or even taking little trips alone and "people watching." 

Your sons seem to be unconcerned with you and you will find allot of other women here who have the same situation or similar situations.  You are part of the council here now and that's something to be proud of!  And yes, you will be very wise!  This is a precious place where we all learn from eachother.  You're at home tilly!

I'm happy to have you here! :)

2chickiebaby

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Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
« Reply #14 on: February 21, 2010, 06:36:29 AM »
coco, you are a treasure :)