Author Topic: I feel much better now  (Read 4353 times)

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zonedefense

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I feel much better now
« on: February 05, 2010, 07:04:15 PM »
I have been lurking for a while, and wanted to let you ladies know how much you have already helped me.  My annoyance level with MIL has been growing steadily recently, but I now understand that I have a pretty good thing going.  MIL loves my family, wants to help, and communicates directly with my husband to arrange holidays and other special events.  I might post later on to get your suggestions on how to better cope with this lovely MIL of mine.  I know she is a wonderful lady, and I am just looking for ways for us both to be more comfortable when we are together.  Thanks again!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2010, 07:12:02 PM »
Lurk away. We are glad that we have been able to give you a broader view. Your attitude sounds like you are going to meet your MIL more than half way and good days lie ahead. Thanks for posting!   ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

cocobars

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2010, 08:27:49 PM »
Zonedefense, welcome!  I'm happy you decided to stop lurking and come in to post! We have other DIL's on this site also.  Hopefully, we can all gain some understanding from eachother here.

I'm happy you're here!  Post away when you're ready! :)

just2baccepted

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2010, 06:59:28 AM »
Zone welcome and I'm so glad you've been helped.  I'm happy to read that your situation isn't too bad.  It sounds to me like you're just dealing with normal MIL - DIL dynamics.  And if both people are healthy then those I would think can be worked out pretty quickly.

I hope I'm not reading your post wrong but I gather you feel like you MIL is a great lady but maybe she tries to take over a bit too much, especially around get togethers and other holidays??  My MIL has been a nightmare in the fact she's insecure, jealous and manipulative however she's never done anything like that to me yet.  But my sweet mom is another story.  My mom is a huge caregiver and maybe your MIL is too.  My mom's identity is wrapped in her ability to caregive someone.  I live about five miles from her and one time I was sick and asked her if she'd bring over some soda b/c I needed something fizzy for my sore throat.  She did and then came in the house and started cleaning and doing my dishes.  I told she didn't have to do that but she didn't stop.  I'm in my 30's and she still tries to "guide" me with everyday life.  What I think some of it is, is that the grandkids are growing up, her DH died six years ago, her best friend/sister just was put in a nursing home due to stroke and my sister moved further away so I'm kind all she has.  I try not to hurt her feelings but I try to encourage to make friends.

Anyway my point is some women this age tend to feel like they have lost the things that made them feel needed and they see this new family being created and they can live vicariously through them.  And then that can cause a whole host of problems b/c then the DIL feels like the MIL thinks that the DIL is inept when in reality the MIL just wants to feel needed.  Does that make sense??  I think I'd be careful with her feelings and just speak up for yourself where you see fit.  If she's a good lady she'll understand.  I'll just bet she will.

cocobars

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2010, 07:27:41 AM »
notaccepted, what an understanding post!  In most cases, you're so right.  There are so many misunderstanding's between DIL's and MIL's.  I used to go in my DIL's house and clean her kitchen and do her dishes too.  They had four kids and I thought I was helping out while she was busy with the kids.  That way we could all sit down together and "enjoy."  I never thought, until I came here that it might be taken that way, but I can understand the concept and the misunderstanding.  If they get back together, I will be much more careful.  Maybe I should "ask" if I can help.  What do you think?
« Last Edit: February 06, 2010, 09:34:49 AM by cocobars »

Offline Pen

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2010, 08:26:54 AM »
Zone, welcome. You sound like a wonderful DIL. I was just wondering about your statement regarding your MIL directly contacting your DH to arrange holidays and other events. I tend to do the same with my DS because there's been awkwardness between DIL and I. I have often thought I should "suck it up" and call/text/email DIL instead to acknowledge her status as 'social director.' Zone, what do you suggest? Are you saying you appreciate your MIL contacting your DH rather than you, or do you wish she would contact you?

How do the rest of you deal with this?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Marilyn

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2010, 10:31:12 AM »
I get no Holidays,I have to drive out of state and go to her family things.Dil says it's just to much to ask,sense they have kids.They never did come here before they had kids for the holidays,just another excuse.Doe's any body have any suggestions?

Offline Barbie

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2010, 02:23:09 PM »
Mominwaiting, unfortunetely the ball is in your son's court, if he doesn't stick up for you you're out of luck. The ideal thing to do would be one holiday they come to your house and the next they go to dil's parents' house, this way no one feels left out. My daughter is married and that's what her and her husband do, family is very important to both of them, we all live fairly close and because her husband's family always get together later in the evening for every ocassion, we get together a little bit earlier than we used to at our house and that way they can spend time with both families the same day. It can be worked out but until your son says "this time is my mother's turn", most likely nothing is going to change.

cocobars

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #8 on: February 06, 2010, 03:33:08 PM »
Hi guest1! What a good idea!  My husband and I did the exact same thing.  It worked out nicely for us (we started out going to "ALL" the Parents and IL's houses and it got to be too much!  Of course, they were all in the same area where we lived.  I just don't really have any suggestions for families who are living in different states. I would think this would work, but don't really know for sure?

I'm so happy you decided to join in here, and also glad to have you here with us on this site!

Offline Pen

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2010, 03:35:54 PM »
I can see not taking the kids away from home every holiday, but every other year or so is good for them. How will they ever learn to tolerate other people's ways of celebrating if they don't experience it first hand? I hope you can come up with a reasonable compromise with your DS & DIL.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Marilyn

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #10 on: February 06, 2010, 04:40:30 PM »
I don't or wouldn't expect them to spend every holiday coming to my house.My DIL's Mom never has the holidays at her house,she always has said let some one else have the mess.My DIL's Aunt,Grandma,or sisters have it at their home.We rarely get any quality time.Also,they live with her Mom and Dad,for the last year and a half.I have another single son who shares a small apartment with a friend, that lives about 10-15 minutes away from MS and DIL.I think if i drive 6 hrs to see them they could at least say they would spend some of the holidays with me,but never do.And if i drive up when it's not a holiday,never fails some body in her family has something we have to go to.I feel this is disrespectful,but maybe it's just me.How would the rest of you feel about this?I decided last Easter,and it was my single sons B-day,that we would just go out for a nice Dinner,and let them go with her side of the family if thats what they wanted to do.I keep telling my married son,nothing against her family,but i don't drive 6 hrs to spend it with her family,they see each other all the time,my time is very limited.I did the same thing Christmas eve,spent it with my single son.DIL'S side of the family every year,have a 3-4 day Christmas get away,2 weeks before Christmas.Dil's sister has Christmas eve get together.DIL's grandma has Christmas Day.Maybe i'm wrong but i think Mom and Dad's come before siblings.Once in a while i wouldn't mind spending with DIL's family,but not all the time.

How do the rest of you feel about this,would it bother you,and would you just spend the time with single son or always go to DIL's get togethers?

Offline Barbie

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #11 on: February 06, 2010, 06:46:57 PM »
It would definetely bother me, I don't think you're being treated fairly, it seems to me they could spend a holiday with you once in a while but if your son knows how you feel and is ok with it, there's not much you can do. All I can tell you is that kids learn from example and it is important for them to get to know and spend time with both sides of the family unless of course one side of the family was a really bad influence. Your son and dil will pay the consequences of their actions. I'm sorry you're going through this, if you enjoy your single son's company then by all means continue to do what you're doing. Do go and see your grand kids whenever you can though, remember they're not the ones doing this to you.

Marilyn

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #12 on: February 06, 2010, 07:37:10 PM »
Thank you guest 1,My son has changed so much.He used to stick up for his family,but it was always a BIG blow up!!!He loves his kids sooooooo much,i am so proud of what an excellent father he is,and so good to my DIL.After my 2nd GC was born he said he couldn't fish any more,couldn't hunt any more,see his friends any more,and if he couldn't see me thats where he drew the line.Well........she wanted a divorce........when he stood up to her about me.She is very manipulative and controlling,she can make his life miserable.I am not a bad influence,dont drink,do drugs,cuss,i keep my home clean,i'm a hard worker.I think it's easier for him to just let her have her way,than deal with the drama.My oldest GS was 3,he told me when i push my brother i get a time out,if i hit my brother i get a GOD D@#$%T!!! and said it just like i have heard her say that.My son hung his head and said he got that from DIL,he was embarrassed.I'm not saying she is a bad Mother,she is a very good Mom,just goe's into a RAGE at times.

I think he might be having a hard time copeing with her,but my GC deserve to have a relationship with me and his side of the family.

cocobars

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #13 on: February 07, 2010, 07:18:42 AM »
I can see not taking the kids away from home every holiday, but every other year or so is good for them. How will they ever learn to tolerate other people's ways of celebrating if they don't experience it first hand? I hope you can come up with a reasonable compromise with your DS & DIL.
I agree Penstamen!  With that kind of a drive ahead I would think once in a while would work for them?  I know it's hard going on long drives with kids in the car, and too expensive to fly that many people.  Do you think you can talk to your son about "trying" to come see you once a year?  I wouldln't feel that would be asking much. Of course I guess it would depend on how much time they could get off work, but if they come to see you for a weekend, then they might only have to take a couple of days off for driving and recouping. 

I hope things work out for you. Keep us posted...

Marilyn

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Re: I feel much better now
« Reply #14 on: February 07, 2010, 07:52:49 AM »
I have suggested years ago Coco,that they take a couple vacation days to make it easier.Then my DIL's Mom,after i suggested this,came up with another family get away for them,with all her family,so now they never have any vacation time left.I feel like i'm wasting my time trying any more.It's all about,with,and for her family.I don't know if i should keep requesting,or just stop.

Thank you for your input.