Author Topic: Got an email they are getting married  (Read 3712 times)

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sadat46

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Got an email they are getting married
« on: February 05, 2010, 06:44:04 AM »
I received an email stating that my son and g/f are getting married.  In this email, they attacked me and told me that they did not feel like I really apologized and that I needed help.  They think I need to be on medication.   They still don't trust me with the baby and think that I would be unhealthy for the baby.   I told my son I had gone to a counselor so he thinks I went for myself.  Which I did for help dealing with my situation with them.  He made fun of me for trying to go to church and for going to a christian counselor.  He said someone saw me out and I was incoherent.  He also blames me for my Mom not really talking to them.  He still says everything is my fault.   

He only wants me, his Dad and my mother at his wedding.  Not my husband or his sister which is crazy.   

I don't really want to go to the wedding for one.  It will be so uncomfortable and there are so many things I want to say to him.  He keeps telling me to put myself in her shoes.  Well I have put myself in her shoes and things have been said to me all my life, but I forgive people.

I am very angry now and want to write a letter to him and the pain he has caused my mother and me.  I also want to remind him that he was also in a financial bind from 21-25 and we always helped him and he would promise to pay us back.  Now he doesn't  need the money so he thinks he is royalty.  He still lives in a rented crackerjack house with 2 cats, 2 dogs, the g/f and baby and he really thinks he is all that. 

He talked to me like I was a dog through text messaging and cussed like a sailor.  I started to block his phone number on my phone and his email from mine.   

He brought up things I did wrong in the past which is the past.  He has never been a good son or grandson to me or my mother.  He lived with her for a while and never paid her a dime, never washed his own clothes, or bought his own food or even took the trash out when she would ask him. 

I know what you are going to say - WHY DID WE LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THAT????  Yes that was soooooooo  wrong of us.  He is a spoiled brat.  Matter of fact now I am thinking it is him and not so much her that is the real problem.

Sorry I am so angry and upset.   


cremebrulee

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2010, 06:55:21 AM »
Saddat, anyone who is so cruel and heartless to make fun of you b/c you went to counseling, or to church, is embelleshing the stories to make it look like it's all your fault.  I am so so so sorry your going thru this...that your son is treating you like this. 

Whatever you do, please don't believe in what he says....I know the pain your suffering is probably horriblely debilitating.....however, stay strong and stay with that counselor...please write down the things that your son says and does and take it to the counselor....

Sadat....be strong, and don't listen to what they say...your right to feel as you do, and have a right to be angry...your son is wrong in doing these things, saying these things...and he should be the one as well as his wife, going to counseling with you.  Someone who really cares about making a relationship work, and trying hard, will go to counseling with you...

Some day, your son is going to be a very lonely man...

Please stay strong and if you need to, come in here to vent....we're all here for you...

Hugs and love
Creme

sadat46

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2010, 07:11:16 AM »
Thank you Creme.  I will admit I have not always done the right things in my life, but I know that I did not do anything that bad to them except break some rules and say something to one of her friends that was just out of the way at the time.  I apologized to her mother and her friend.

If they don't trust me, then why does he want me at the wedding?   I really don't think I could get enough counseling help or anything else to get myself prepared for that wedding.

I did use to drink alot and he is bringing that up too.  I never did drink in any of the situations that we have had problems with but it seems like when someone is mad at you, they do bring up your past and try to relate it to the current situation to win their side of the argument.   I also did drink too much wine one night after all this has happened but I was at my own home and not around them nor did I contact them. This was a self pity night on my own which I regret doing because I am stronger than that.  I hate it that I let myself revert to that.

Boy I am confessing everything.  I don't even like wine YUCK. 

cremebrulee

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2010, 07:19:17 AM »
Honey, stay away from anything which could give them any ammunition against you...don't drink, it never makes you feel better anyway, you end up feeling worse....cry if you must, but don't drink...be adult and see they're words for what they are, words, grasping at stralls to make you look like the bad person...what, didn't they ever say anything bad about anyone?  Didn't they ever make mistakes? 

and as far as the wedding, you do, what makes you the most comfortable...if you want to go, go, if you don't you don't have to, but remember, no matter what you do, they will find fault...but if you don't go, it will be something that will be talked about for years to come....can't you hear them, "Why his own mother wouldn't come to the wedding".  It will make you look worse then you are....I'm not trying to be mean, only trying to point out the consequences of your decission, what ever you decide, make certain you can live with the consequenses....ok...make certain you can do that....and let that guide you through this....always, don't do anything or say anything without first thinking of the consequnces of your actions....and never do anything out of hate or vengence....ever....be a lady always and then, in your own heart you will know that you've tried....yanno, when we do bad things to people, in hate, in vengence, it really ends up huring us more...in many different ways....

hugs and love
Creme

sadat46

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2010, 07:27:24 AM »
Oh I know I can't drink.  I just confessed because I hate myself for doing it. 

You are right about alot of things, but I am not so sure I want to go through the wedding thing.  I have struggled about that on my own and really think I need to move on before I get so weak and do something I regret.

I am a very stressed person but I am not mean to people on purpose.  I am trying to get what I need.

Everbody makes mistakes and yes I did drink too much wine but I posted that previously.  I turned down anything that relates to alcohol now.

cocobars

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2010, 07:45:35 AM »
Oh I know I can't drink.  I just confessed because I hate myself for doing it. 

You are right about alot of things, but I am not so sure I want to go through the wedding thing.  I have struggled about that on my own and really think I need to move on before I get so weak and do something I regret.

I am a very stressed person but I am not mean to people on purpose.  I am trying to get what I need.

Everbody makes mistakes and yes I did drink too much wine but I posted that previously.  I turned down anything that relates to alcohol now.
Oh Sad, what a mess.  I'm not making excuses for your son, but I have to tell you that even though you are not drinking anymore, it takes people around you time to trust again, sometimes alot of time.  That's where I most definately agree with Creme.  Because of this history (you both share), they should be going to counselling with you.  You all may carry scars that need to be addressed to understand and trust eachother again.

It sound to me like you are doing all you can, and you are doing that alone - which says alot about what strength you have.  I hope you give yourself a well earned hug!

As for the wedding.  If it were me I would go, but bring a friend (or your family members) with you for support.  This is an important day and you should be there to smile and share it.  If you think I don't understand how hard that is, read my very first post in the "Open me first" folder.  It's called "my children hate me."  I do know how hard it will be to smile and show my happiness for this special day.  It wasn't my day after all, but my daughter's day and that story doesn't cover it all.  There was too much to put in one post.

You keep your chin up, and make sure you don't drink there.  Do something else special for you - starbucks is nice if you like coffee.  You will need a reward when you get home.  Maybe just asking someone to stay that night and talk with you would do it.  Let us know how you are.

We're not going anywhere!

Sassy

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2010, 08:25:32 AM »
Quote
I am a very stressed person but I am not mean to people on purpose.  I am trying to get what I need.

Sad
I am a DIL here.  I just want to let you know these words made me cry!  Thank you.  Thank you for giving a bit more understanding to me.  I love my MIL!!! And the tragedy is my DH and I can't be around the way she treats me and talks about me to others.  I do try to be in other's shoes when I interact with them, her especially. Many times I don't or can't understand why she acts the way she does because I actually don't feel in my heart that she hates me, though the way that she acts and talks would make one think that.  I can't write her off or block her out because I have affection for her and I know she did have true affection for me, and deep inside I feel she still does, and I think that comes as a woman even before that she is my husband's mother.
When I read these words, it struck home. 
All my DH asks of my MIL is she not say bad and untrue things about me to the family, and not to him.  I swear it's like she can't help herself.  I don't know if I am making excuses for her.  DH asked her to go to counseling.  First she said yes.  Then the day comes, and she said she did not want to go to our minister, because he had already heard my side and would be biased against her.  DH looked for and found another kind of counselor.  When he tried to work out a time for the appointment,  she told him if he'd spend the money he was willing to on counseling, on helping to pay down her balances, that she wouldn't see me as a gold-digger anymore and they wouldn't need counseling anyway.   He said she made a joke of it, but she was serious.  He hung up.  It's more hurtful to him, than it is to me.  I hate to see DH hurt, more than anything.  With the counseling off the table at least for a while, we don't know what to do next.

Sad, our stories aren't even similar, I realize that.  Still your words give me an understanding of when what she does doesn't match up with what I feel her heart is truly feeling.  (It could just be wishful thinking on my part, maybe her actions do match her heart.)  You have given me hope today. Thank you for your honesty. I wish you and your DS and GF the ability to work through this!

sadat46

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2010, 08:27:28 AM »
thank you but I did not drink during any of those situations.

My son drinks everyday.  I have found this out. 

He is just trying to bring my past up and use it against me because they were wrong in this situation.

I should have never said what I did in my past here.

cocobars

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2010, 08:55:14 AM »
Sad, please don't feel that way.  You feelings are very understood here, more than you know.  I didn't mean for my own post to be taken that way and am really not good with words.  You've been hurt enough and you are doing all this alone.

What I was trying to point out to you was that you are going to be stronger each day that you show that strength.  That you need support not only for you, but for that relationship with your son and FDIL!  They may not take you seriously until they realize you have really turned around.  You deserve this relationship.  If your son is drinking like you say, then he needs to see what he's doing as well (he may need more help than you know!).

I really do wish you the best even though my words may not say that!  You have found a site that supports your efforts.  Come back and post often.  We have alot to offer you and you have so much to offer in return!

P.S.- None of us has been perfect parents or even human beings, least of all me!  We are making an effort!  That's what is important, and you can't let someone else make you feel bad about yourself.  Be proud!  Look how far you've come! 
« Last Edit: February 05, 2010, 09:10:14 AM by cocobars »

sadat46

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2010, 09:05:43 AM »
It is okay Coco.

I guess when it gets brought up, I just get on my defense.  I struggle and that is why I have to have God in my life.  If I obey he blesses and that is truly how I feel.  That does not mean I am not tempted.

I just know her Mom drinks and she has been allowed to be around the baby and even has kept the baby.   I know my daughter would probably let me too.  But I hope that is a long time off.

I have committed to stop altogether. 

The thing that floors me is that he used past circumstances that did not involve the current circumstances and that is why it is hard to deal with.


cocobars

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2010, 09:17:00 AM »
It is okay Coco.

I guess when it gets brought up, I just get on my defense.  I struggle and that is why I have to have God in my life.  If I obey he blesses and that is truly how I feel.  That does not mean I am not tempted.

I just know her Mom drinks and she has been allowed to be around the baby and even has kept the baby.   I know my daughter would probably let me too.  But I hope that is a long time off.

I have committed to stop altogether. 

The thing that floors me is that he used past circumstances that did not involve the current circumstances and that is why it is hard to deal with.
I truly understand Sad!  I went in and added a P.S. to my previous post.  Nobody here is judging you, but we are all here for the same reason - that being support.  I think it was Sassy yesterday who put is so nicely...  We are on the "give a penny, take a penny" program!  LOL!  We all come from different places and perspectives and are trying to see where we can support eachother here.  You leave an opinion on someone's post (hoping it helps them), and take someone else's opinion on your own!

AND we all have mountains we are trying to climb!  How bout we go with you and hold you up for awhile!

What I'm saying here, is don't give up on us.  You've found a wonderful group a women here with very large hearts.  I believe you may have stumbled in because you saw hope. 

I see hope in you also!  Do you see that?
« Last Edit: February 05, 2010, 09:48:19 AM by cocobars »

renny97

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2010, 11:56:09 AM »
Welcome, Sadat. I have recently come to this site also. I hear ya, about the past being dragged up to justify current attacks and manipulation. Two wrongs, don't make it right.

There is a lot of blaming in these situations. I basically just took the verbal abuse from DIL and her fam for a long time. But, recently, I am feeling the wrath of missing her b'day. Her fam, fully intends to amp up and punish including getting my Dear GC involved. That is when I knew I HAVE to say something to son.

It all gets so dirty. I could try to be a saint and still be dirt. But, my son and I got along until I sensed some anger that I never heard from him. I thought that he is only getting info from her. Then I realized, I have to give my side. It all fell apart, when my GC was being used as a pawn.

So, whatever they accuse of, even if you stopped for years, in my case, it will be something else. You got me thinking, I wonder if the MILs here had problems from the beginning with DILs?

Things need to heal. But, all the facts must be known.

cocobars

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #12 on: February 05, 2010, 12:05:41 PM »
Welcome, Sadat. I have recently come to this site also. I hear ya, about the past being dragged up to justify current attacks and manipulation. Two wrongs, don't make it right.

There is a lot of blaming in these situations. I basically just took the verbal abuse from DIL and her fam for a long time. But, recently, I am feeling the wrath of missing her b'day. Her fam, fully intends to amp up and punish including getting my Dear GC involved. That is when I knew I HAVE to say something to son.

It all gets so dirty. I could try to be a saint and still be dirt. But, my son and I got along until I sensed some anger that I never heard from him. I thought that he is only getting info from her. Then I realized, I have to give my side. It all fell apart, when my GC was being used as a pawn.

So, whatever they accuse of, even if you stopped for years, in my case, it will be something else. You got me thinking, I wonder if the MILs here had problems from the beginning with DILs?

Things need to heal. But, all the facts must be known.
Thanks Renny!  I didn't have problems with my DIL at first.  My daughter's told me my son was a "mommy's boy."  ??  Sometimes I look back on that and think she must have been getting to me to get to him, if there's any truth in that. 


sadat46

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #13 on: February 05, 2010, 01:12:16 PM »
Thanks everyone.  I guess I just have a very low self esteem right now and I am embarrassed that I know my son told her things.  He also told me things about her past but I would never bring them up.

I guess she just thinks she is perfect.  She doesn't know me at all so of course she may think I would get the baby and go off and drink or something and then neglect her.  But I would never never never do something like that even if I was still drinking.

I will be okay.  I just have to suck this up and keep on living.  Try to be as good as I can be.  They love me at work and I have a family that loves me.

cocobars

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Re: Got an email they are getting married
« Reply #14 on: February 05, 2010, 01:17:43 PM »
And you have us too.  You hang in Sad.  Let us know what you decide (about the wedding).  Nobody here will be upset with you one way or another.  We try to be good sounding boards.  I hope we can live up to that for you too! :'(