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Should I send This?

Started by luise.volta, July 10, 2009, 04:02:58 pm

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I am moving Anna's post from Open Me First to DIL/New Topic - Liise

Hi ______, I bet you're wondering why I'm sending you this note.  Well it's about dil, & you seem to have a good relationship with her.  I don't know how much you talk, but I was wondering if you could help.  We have never met anyone like her.  My husband & I are very close with our children, but it seems as if dil is trying to push  sons family away.  The problem really started when first grandson was born.  dil shut us out for the first 3 weeks of his life.  In our family, we always celebrate a birth, & share it with the whole family including in-laws.  We were extremely hurt during this time.  When grandsons birth announcement was put in the paper dil would not include his great grandparents names.  She said that because her grandparents were dead, sons grandparents shouldn't be put in either.  My parents & mom-in-law were very hurt.  It seems that her behaviour is worse when on speaking terms with her own mother.  Dil & mother don't speak for months because they are fighting about one thing or another.  Dil feels that because her kids don't spend time with her mother, they shouldn't spend time with us.  I am the full time caregiver so dil & son can work, & I love every minute of it, but I would also like to be a gramma, & take my grandchildren places.  Sometimes she will let us but it is always a fight.  Even when she is at work & not missing any Mom time she doesn't want us to take them out.  She will allow us to take the to closest city but nowhere else.  We are not allowed to visit family or friends if we have our grandchildren with us.  3 hour time limit is always in place.  dil feels that she should be involved in every fun time her children have in their lives, therefore we are not allowed any fun grandparent time, just us & our grandkids.  She has let them stay overnight but checks on the constantly.  There have been some really, really bad times, but I don't want to get into that here.  What I'm looking for is some insight into her family so that we can understand her better & have a better relationship with her.  I know she trusts absolutely no-one & would see me contacting you as a betrayal.  We have always helped them whenever they needed us, & have always been there for them.  I also know it takes great effort on her part to allow us ANY time with our grandchildren.  The one thing I don't want to do is cause more problems, I just want a good relationship with my dil, son, & grandchildren.  Son has already lost all his friends, & our extended family stay away.  Dil would not be happy if she knew I sent you this message, &, she has, in the past,
kept us from our grandchildren if she feels we have done something out of line.  If you don't feel comfortable answering this message, that's fine.  I understand.  Anna.

What do you think, should I send this message to someone in her family?  The person I want to send it to is an in-law, but on her side of the family, not ours.  This person seems very nice & level headed

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


From prior experience, I can only say that I don't think you will get the result you want, which is change, right?

And I think there's a good chance that it will get back to your DIL and you may even lose your job as their sitter. I know that's a real downer answer but my guess is that all it will engender is defensiveness and denial, followed by counter-attack...since it will be seen as one.

The person you are writing to may be reasonable but she/he may not want to know what's going and may not have the power to reverse it.

It's just a guess but I think head-in-sand is very popular in these circumstance for those not directly involved.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Alicev - What a comprehensive viewpoint on all of this.  Thank you.  Made me think.


The way I see this one is that this DIL has major insecurity problems.  I actually pictured my terrorital MIL acting this same way when she was a young mother.  This DIL will probably smother her adult children the way my MIL does to us and her other child and grandchild.  My opinion is that it all about insecurity!


Good point...a huge difference between smothering and mothering! And probably all about unmet needs. Sometimes they may even be unconscious needs but they can sure wreck havoc.  :(
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama