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Did I make the right decision

Started by Kinzey, February 03, 2010, 11:34:36 am

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My fil's 50th birthday is this weekend and my mil told me that they wanted my husband and I to drive up to their home(which is 2 hours away) and have his birthday dinner with them. I told her that we would have to check our work schedules and get back to her. She said they would work around us so we could come. I talked it over with my husband and he decided to go but I decided to stay home because I knew I was going to have to work. I didn't ask for the day off because we need the money and we are having company and this would give me the chance to get the house ready for them to come. She seemed offended that I decided not to come and felt that I should make the effort to go. To be perfectly honest I work 60 hours a week and have a household to take care of and company coming next week plus obligations at my church. I really would like to have the house to myself for a couple of days to get things done because my husband does tend to get in the way of housework due to his messy habits and I just don't want to go out of town in the middle of a busy weekend. I know she doesn't like me so why on earth would she want me there? I felt I am making the best choice for myself at this point and my husband will be there for his dad's birthday and we don't have kids so shouldn't that had been enough? Or should I have dropped everything to go out of town for a dinner?
I don't want to be a butch but I need some time to myself! I work 2 jobs and try to be a good housewife. I don't have time for this!


Hi Kinsey
When we don't want to do something, we can look for all the excuses in the world to justify to our selves....

Kinsey....it's your husband's father's birthday....you have enough time to devot to church activities...I understand full well, your jobs, and wanting to make the house nice, for your company coming next week....I do...however, bottom line, if I were your FIL, it would make me happy if you were there...be it she likes you or not....and no, you are not a butch...
however, your mil will take offense to you not being there....wouldn't you?  Put yourself in they're shoes...in this case, I can truly understand your feelings and why you feel the way you do...but, I would go, if it were me....
and I'm not stating I'm right....
I don't know, however, I do know your decission to not go will give her reason to hurt, and then, dislike you more....

How do  you know, she doesn't like you?



Kinzey, I see your point and as a DIL I sympathize - especially if you are going to be either ignored or abused when you are around your in-laws.  But I agree with Creme when she says that your MIL will take offense if you don't go... if for no other reason than the fact that she is looking for reasons to take offense (if she's anything like my FMIL).

I had a similar situation a few months ago with my F-ils I was just too tired and had too much on my plate so I didn't attend a planned event.  I knew it could be interpreted as an insult but in the end, I wasn't going to put myself through a situation where no one really cared if I showed up... (I know many of you MILs will say that they DO care because you yourselves care.   However, I think if Kinzey's MIL is like mine, then she really might not care..  she might care about the "appearance" or show of respect of having her DIL show up, but she might not actually care about Kinzey herself being there to spend time with their family - something that Kinzey picks up on..)

Anyways, what I did in the end in my situation, was just speak to both my FFIL and FBIL directly in order to apologize for not being able to attend...  it seemed to go over okay that time..  don't know what would have happened if I had done that with FMIL though.... I think FDH has been trying to limit her contact with me right now so I"m not sure what to expect anymore  :-\

Good luck Kinzey!


Kinzey, since she already decided for you that you would be there (as in don't bother trying to make an excuse, we'll work around anything you claim to be busy with) you're screwed no matter what you do.  So, you may as do what makes you happy.     No, really, I mean it.  ;D


I think you should go with your husband. It is a courteousy call. We make time for important things. I wouldn't drag the visit out and let husband know at certain time we need to head back. I would really make a note as to how I was treated.

As it is, it seems like you are avoiding his family. You are preparing for company and turning down his family. I know it is difficult. Maybe take a recorder? (See my Post).

I believe it starts out dreading to go and then, one or the other, starts the pressure and it gets ugly. Know, that you did all you could.


I agree with Anna...I would go too!!


Why not drive up in two cars?  You can be there for the Birthday celebration and then take an early leave.  Your DH can stay longer for his Dad and a good in depth visit with him.  Or am I out of whack on this kind of compromise?


Oh Orly!  I don't believe for a second you are "out of wack!"  This is a great idea, and she would be home to recoup from the 60 hour work week.  Everyone should appreciate that and still have DS to visit for that occasion. 

Kinsey, I hope you understand that I'm not saying you are unimportant.  I really hope you get this...  What I'm saying is that by letting him stay you are silently telling your FIL that you are willing to share.  This will allow him to see that you are reasonable, even though you have all those commitments also!

How does everyone else feel?


Frankly, I like those drives alone too...decompression time for me.


Thoughts are nice.  Scenery is better!  Combined?  Wonderful solitude!