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Do our sons ever have regrets

Started by Marilyn, February 03, 2010, 08:39:10 am

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I was wondering,has any body on here ever heard how are sons feel?It seems to me they would get very resentful,always giving up their side of the family.


Good topic! My DS came over one day absolutely livid about the treatment we received from DIL and her family. Apparently he stood up for us or something because things are a little better now between DIL and us. Her family is still shunning us, though.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 03, 2010, 08:39:10 am
I was wondering,has any body on here ever heard how are sons feel?It seems to me they would get very resentful,always giving up their side of the family.

In my case, my DIL has gravited my son towards his father's family...his stepmother has three children....I'm sure it's become the norm to him now...but he will never know how it literally breaks your heart in two....I don't know, honestly, how he can allow this to happen...to tell you the truth, most people tell me, he has no choice, otherwise, there would be hell to pay....and he must do as she requires....

I'll tell you, right now, I really really dislike her...how can you sit on your butt...and not work, run up the charges constantly and allow your husband to work 3 jobs, then when that isn't enough, he goes over to Afghanistan for the big bucks...she doesn't care, all she cares about is being taken care of....and I don't know how his father can keep his mouth shut, although he told me, he couldn't stand it if he were in my position, that they could not stand not seeing our GD or son...guess, I'm supposed to be strong...so, they don't say anything.....how hypacritical...if it were him this was being done to, I'd sit my son and DIL down and tell them, look, you may not get along with them, but they are still family...he is your father and has every right to see his son and GD...and you, DIL might not like him, however, you owe it to your husband and daughter to make periodical visits....

I was good enough to watch that little girl when they were home for a year...years ago...every single weekend...and I never got a thank you from her...but then she wanted to work, and I surely didn't mind having my GD....

Gosh, I just don't know what makes people be so hateful?


The DILs will continue to do this until they are successful in removing him from our lives. To quote them: "we have power and we use it.  It's either his Mother or me.  Let's see which one he chooses?"

How can people be so hateful?  The very same reason we are hearing of terrible killings, especially of children...."power, greed, no souls, no hearts"

The DILs want power, all power.  We are in the way. 

One young man I know, just one, said to his wife when she started in on his Mother:  "hey, that's my Mom"  All of them try it but once in awhile, they don't get away with it. 


chickie, it is just so heartbreaking....how can they call themselves women...?  human beings?  what is wrong with them?  How did they become so hateful?  What do they get out of this? 
I'm just so dumbfounded by all of it...and how can our son's live with themselves, when they allow they're wives to treat us like this? 


Sons want the wife happy.  She's not happy unless she gets us out.  We are a threat to her control and power.   

She will continue to do this until she makes you look so "toxic" (they adore that word) that he will believe it. 

And Anna?  Be very careful with the FDIL...they are usually nice at first but in the background, they begin the groundwork for the great elimination.  Going to counseling is a good way for them to start with the eliminating.   

There, the DIL points out all your flaws.  Son thinks: "my Mother is terrible!!.  I can see it" (they keep going to counseling until he does see it)


Some random thoughts on this, since I haven't ever figured it out. Let me know if I'm way off base!

When I gave birth to my first, the experience immediately connected me to all mothers and women from the beginning of humans to the present, in all parts of the world. I instantly understood the anguish/joy/love that is the female experience. I didn't see my child as better than any other - of course, immeasurably precious to me and DH, but that's how every parent feels, I hope. But, all children are precious and deserving, right?

Then I realized that the moms coming along after me often put their kids in a class above all others. Their precious darlings could only play with certain classes of kids; had to win every game; had to come first in school, in looks, in after-school activities, etc. etc. Their kids needed more, were worth more, were entitled at the expense of all others.

Another thing I've been thinking about is the objectification of women. It doesn't only affect males who then turn women into objects and treat them as such, it affects how women treat other women. Am I just babbling or do you think there might be something there? Are DILs turning us into objects that don't measure up so they feel justified in treating MILs terribly?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


I think alot of my DILs insecurity is cause from her Mom,the day they got married my DIL's mother walked her down the aisle.When the pastor ask who gives the bride away,she said my Mom.Her Mom and dad were divorced,and i felt so bad for her Dad.His face was blood red,and you could tell he was in a lot of pain.I think her mom instilled a fear in her about men.And to be honest,that didn't say a thing to me about her Dad,but sure said alot about her Mom!!!.........she must have really unloaded her problems on the children.And turned her daughter against her Dad.


"And Anna?  Be very careful with the FDIL...they are usually nice at first but in the background, they begin the groundwork for the great elimination.  Going to counseling is a good way for them to start with the eliminating. "  

Anna you have a good relationship with your future dil and that is wonderful, believe in it and be happy with it, don't allow ominous and unfounded warnings get in the way. 

Chickie you all call this site as the antithesis of the "dil hate sites" I'm sorry but that comment and the bulk of this thread shows that just isn't true .  Yesterday I posted about my mil and that was hard for you to swallow because you apparently drew parallels which lead to the thread about throwing mothers of sons away.  If you want all mother in laws not to be painted with the same brush, you need to stop painting all daughters in law with your own brush.  You are all generalizing about daughters in law.

Your comment to Anna is unhelpful and unsupportive in my opinion.  She is very excited and hopeful of her relationship with her future daughter in law and you are busy sowing the seeds of doubt.  Her future daughter in law is not her current daughter in law, period. 

As for the regrets our sons may or may not have?

I would like to think that if we have the relationship we think we have with any of our children, this wouldn't happen.  It is important to remember that sons and daughters in law are not our children, they are someone elses children who marry our children.  They have different outlooks, different personalities and I know of lots of relationships where the daughters in law have less issues with their Mother's/Father's in law than they do with their own parents. 

My mother in law was/is horrible to all of us that married her children, I didn't walk away from that relationship easily and certainly not without a backward glance as my post in the other thread explains.  I didn't expect my husband to walk away from it at all.  The only regrets he has, are that his mother was so unable to accept us, as a couple and as a family, that she pushed and pushed to get between us and tried to make him doubt me.  I think when we are visiting my parents (we travel to see them once a year and stay a few days they live over 200 miles away from us) he resents the fact that his relationship with my parents is so much easier than his own relationship with his parents.  For his birthday one year (a milestone), my parents travelled the 200 miles to surprise him.  His parents live 15 minutes away at most, they don't even ring him for his birthday, I think he feels that his parents don't have half the love for him that mine do.


My sincere apologies to Anna.  I don't want her to have happen what happened to us happen to her.

You said that if we had the relationships with our sons we thought we had this wouldn't happen?  No one can prove to anyone else what they have not experienced themselves.

I've stated that both sons married extremely controlling women.  They needed that in their lives.  One is out and out controlling, can be rude and downright mean, the other one is a silent controller who does it passively. Both ways are deadly.

Wonder why his parents wouldn't come the 15 minutes away?


Chickie I wonder why they couldn't even pick up the phone if they really didn't want to come here.

I know my mil doesn't like me any more than she likes any of my bils or sils.  If she didn't want to come and socialize with us for her son's milestone birthday, what prevented her from ringing him during the day? I think it speaks volumes about lack of regard and respect for ones own flesh and blood.  Perhaps you have a different take?


Do you think she really doesn't like her son?  I can't imagine that but maybe it could be true.  If she didn't call, she must be making some kind of statement by not calling.

It's a shame.  I don't understand how this could happen.  I'm trying to think of something that would prevent me from calling.  Nothing could...but if I was afraid to talk to the DILs, I guess that would be one reason. 

They both strike can terror in my heart.


Chickie he has a cellphone and they have no problem ringing the house when they need something done.

I think she likes her son, in that he is her son.  She doesn't like that he won't allow her to control him but then he never has.  When he was younger, he just used to not tell her his plans etc.  When we were dating (pre cellphones of course), she used to ring my home wanting to know when he was coming home, this would be after he'd told her he wouldn't be home for dinner and not to expect him until late, before he came over. 

I think because she saw things happening or (silly me) I told her about things we were planning, when she tried to become a part of our decisions then be offended and sulky if we didn't do it the way she said to, she blamed me because he'd just present a fait accompli in the past.  So I learned not to share news, my husband told me not talk about impending purchases etc because if I did, there was fall out.  No matter what I did, it was wrong. 

You talk about your daughter in law getting in your sons ear? When my husband told my mother in law that we were expecting (a child I subsequently miscarried) my mother in law took him aside and asked if it was planned, if he'd known I was trying to get pregnant?  Of course he did, we were married and already had one child.  When I miscarried, she again took him aside and asked him what I had done to lose the baby.  When my grandmother died, she threw a fit because she wasn't asked to babysit, know why I didn't ask her? When my husbands grandmother died, my parents attended the service out of respect for my husband and his parents, I kind of thought they might want to do the same, silly me, of course they didn't.


Postscript...........what are you saying....it's my fault i don't have a better relationship with my son..............Wow,this has really gotten off the real subject


Not at all Mominwaiting, perhaps I wasn't clear?

I said I would like to think that if we have the relationship we think we have with our sons, this wouldn't happen. 

We don't know our children view our relationship with them the same way we do.  I know my son doesn't tell me everything that is going on in his life, I know he doesn't share all his fears with me, even all his victories.  I'd like to think he does.  I'd like to think now he's older, he views me more as another adult (he's still in his teens) but I know at the moment he doesn't, he just sees me as his mother, sometimes it's the mother who comforted him, sometimes it's the mother who grounded him.  I'd like to think that will change, but I can't be sure in his eyes it will.

I'd like to think bad things only ever happen to bad people, the unfortunate truth is that bad things happen to good people too.