Author Topic: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away  (Read 2982 times)

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2chickiebaby

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Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« on: February 02, 2010, 08:13:09 PM »
It's easy to get rid of us.  Very easy......nothing ever happens to most of us until our sons get married. We love each other and get along with others.   

It's some perceived wrong done to the DIL, she goes to her husband: "she's so mean; she says mean things to me"  Off they go to counseling and the counselor suggests he look at his Mother, see her in a light he never saw her before.  She's a bully; mean woman!  The only thing left to do is to "distance yourselves from her! We have to put our boundaries in place!!"

He wants to protect his wife and out we go. "My Mother is a bully. I have just realized she is!! I have to stand up to her!!" 

This hardly ever happens to her mother.  Same song sung millions of times over.

Course when you are the Mother and being drummed out, it is the most heartbreaking thing ever to happen in your life.  I wonder how we live through it.  We live but with half a heart.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2010, 09:04:04 PM »
That happened to me and we all lived happily ever after.

His wife cut him out of the herd and we became virtual strangers. It felt like a death and I knew that I couldn't complain without breaking his heart.

Then, not just because of that but many other reasons, he dumped her.  Yiippy-yo-ki-yay!  ;D ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2010, 09:10:41 PM »
Zippity Doo Dah!! :)


Offline Pen

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2010, 10:00:14 PM »
Yup, Chickie, that's what I hope DILs here understand. We are losing a relationship with a child. (Calling these grown men our 'children' isn't meant to demean them or smother them or keep them tied to us; they will always be our children just as we will always be moms.) DILs are gaining a husband in addition to keeping their original family, so all's good for them. We are losing someone we've loved for many years. It can really affect more than just us MILs, too. In my case, everything is different now. DILs family does the big celebrations and we get whatever's left over. It's hard to make a big, fun party with just DH, DDD and me. We miss how it used to be. We miss our sons. (We would love to have a day with our son the way DIL's family has time with her.) Everything's different.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2010, 03:46:18 AM »
I agree, it is heartbreaking and a huge loss....not to mention, upsets the entire family....and it is embarrassing....

cremebrulee

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2010, 04:30:59 AM »
Yup, Chickie, that's what I hope DILs here understand. We are losing a relationship with a child. (Calling these grown men our 'children' isn't meant to demean them or smother them or keep them tied to us; they will always be our children just as we will always be moms.) DILs are gaining a husband in addition to keeping their original family, so all's good for them. We are losing someone we've loved for many years. It can really affect more than just us MILs, too. In my case, everything is different now. DILs family does the big celebrations and we get whatever's left over. It's hard to make a big, fun party with just DH, DDD and me. We miss how it used to be. We miss our sons. (We would love to have a day with our son the way DIL's family has time with her.) Everything's different.

I will not refer to my child as my baby as some mothers do, however he is and always will be my child...

I wonder, have you discussed this with your son, telling him you miss him and would like to spend more time with him. 

I live in a 55+ community, and see how some of they're children stay away...and you wonder, how much time do they have left, and what happened that was so horrible, that you choose to stay away from your parents?  Of course, there is probably things I don't know...however, I've seen families tear themselves apart, and never talk to each other again, because of something clearly silly and immature...and when I was growing up, even then, it used to really hurt me, I didn't understand how families could be so stubborn. 


Marilyn

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2010, 05:11:55 AM »
Luise,are you talking about the son that passed away?Our another son?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2010, 02:21:49 PM »
I'm talking about my live son and our worthy webmaster.  ;D When my oldest son died, his wife was the stereotypical, full-of-hate DIL, who sent me a horrible letter eight days after he passed, blaming me for every hurt and problem he ever had. I was painted as evil--personified. And he would have agreed with that but not with her behavior because he still loved me even though he couldn't stand me. We were still trying and tip-toeing around on eggshells when he died suddenly of a sleep apnea stroke.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2010, 02:32:09 PM »
Creme - I was thinking about your 55+ community and some with no visitors. That's what happens here sometimes in our nursing facility. We live in a CCC - Continuous Care Community. There are people in nursing here who are aware and able to relate who have families living close by and yet they never have any visitors. It's hard to believe. And so sad,
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

just2baccepted

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2010, 11:27:18 AM »
It's easy to get rid of us.  Very easy......nothing ever happens to most of us until our sons get married. We love each other and get along with others.   

It's some perceived wrong done to the DIL, she goes to her husband: "she's so mean; she says mean things to me"  Off they go to counseling and the counselor suggests he look at his Mother, see her in a light he never saw her before.  She's a bully; mean woman!  The only thing left to do is to "distance yourselves from her! We have to put our boundaries in place!!"

He wants to protect his wife and out we go. "My Mother is a bully. I have just realized she is!! I have to stand up to her!!" 

This hardly ever happens to her mother.  Same song sung millions of times over.

Course when you are the Mother and being drummed out, it is the most heartbreaking thing ever to happen in your life.  I wonder how we live through it.  We live but with half a heart.

I think that is possible and it does make sense if the DIL is insecure and jealous.  But I just wanted to add that hoping or wishing they get divorced I just don't think that's a good idea.  The hope should be that they are happy and have a happy life together.  Afterall that's the most important thing, whether that included a close relationship with the extended family or not.  That would make me angry and hurt me if my mom ever wished me to get a divorce because she didn't like my DH.  I feel like I'm about to tick someone off by saying the above, so let me give an example. 

DH has said to me that "the only way this will get better with my mom and dad is when they die"  And I always speak up and say that that's wrong to feel that way.  Just because my IL's are trouble makers doesn't mean that I want them to die.  I hope I'm making sense.  I know I'm on some of the posters hit list right now so I'm trying to be careful how I word things.

cremebrulee

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #10 on: February 04, 2010, 11:47:22 AM »
I would be devestated if my son and DIL broke up...reagardless, which is another reason why I backed off...since she yelled at me on the phone that time, "We went to counseling b/c of you".  I made up my mind, it wouldn't be b/c of me again...and I will never talk to my son about her again...if something would happen, I don't want him to blame me for it, which sometimes they do, I've seen it happen...or should I say, read about it happening....



renny97

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2010, 03:56:39 PM »
I just want my son to have all the facts. I cannot continue to backoff and not talk to him just because that is her wish. I get that she is making it as impossible as possible.

I always maintained a respect in their house and thought as long as she is a good mother, I could take some dirt from her. She called me names. But, when she did the bizarre and threatened to get physical, that was creepy. I still maintained my silence, but her family started to amp up their "digs" and then, my GC. This was a girl that ran across the house when I arrived. After, I knew that she had overheard some parts of me not getting her mother a b'day gift--I thought, they had the nerve to start their legacy of making others dislike me. I was letting all the insults and manipulation go, and they were digging in the claws deeper and to further the attack. I had taken it all along. They thought they have a real target now. Let's get son in on it too.

Son's FIL was in a place where I work, and he just said "hi" and laughed?
The DIL's mother is trying now to get the GC to call me "Grandma, (my first name). It used to be just Grandma.

I guess ya teach people how to treat ya. I need to learn to speak up. When I think of how son's inlaws even sent him an email of a picture of God carrying a dead woman after I missed the DILs b'day, I need to speak up and then they can all do whatever they want. I think it all comes down to blackmail. If I let them, without letting son know what I know, then if son fails to act on info is his decision. If he can live with her after she threatened his mother, would be telling, indeed.

Tired of being a leftover, Pent. That was an interesting point.  No more Grandma Meatloaf...

cocobars

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Re: Easy to throw the Mother of the son away
« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2010, 04:31:57 PM »
Son's FIL was in a place where I work, and he just said "hi" and laughed?
The DIL's mother is trying now to get the GC to call me "Grandma, (my first name). It used to be just Grandma.

 When I think of how son's inlaws even sent him an email of a picture of God carrying a dead woman after I missed the DILs b'day,

What?  An email of a dead woman in God's arms?  Because you missed her birthday?  Are you sure that came from the IL's?  Not the DIL who has threatened to "throw you down the stairs?" 

Please take a friend with you when you are around them!  What a psychotic group.  Your son agree's with this?