Author Topic: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive  (Read 1490 times)

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kandc

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Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« on: October 17, 2011, 10:16:16 PM »
Hi all,

I firstly would like to say thank you for being a place of comfort for so many people. I have been reading this site for quite a while and even without posting my own issue - I have been able to find comfort from the kind words and advice you offer to each other.

Just to start mine is not a DIL or SIL issue. I am the DIL. I hope this is ok?

I dont really have an issue with my in laws. I am very lucky.I love my DH more than words can say and I love his FOO also. I am very grateful that his Mother (and his whole FOO really) are so welcoming and lovely without being too intrusive.

With the birth of our second child fast approaching I just wanted to ask all of you wise women out there your thoughts on what I am sure is a very common issue, who to have in the delivery room? With the birth of our son I had my husband and my own Mother in. My MIL was invited in as soon as he was born and she seeemed very happy to be invited in so early.

I didnt do this to exclude my MIL at all i just felt I needed the support of my Mother and yet didnt really want anyone else there. I am glad I did this as I look back and would not of wanted my MIL or anyone for that matter to see me like that.

For the birth of our next child I have been considering inviting my MIL in, if my Labor is progressing well, just for the actually delivery. There will be strict instructions that she will be to stay at my head level only, as I am a very modest person and hate the idea of anyone seeing my in that state other than the medical professionals.
I think I would also be ok with her coming in earlier if I choose to have an epidural and am handeling the Labor OK.

My MIL never mentioned being upset at the birth of my first son yet I feel a little more comfortable this time knowing what is in store for me and how I think I will handle it so would love to be able to share the experience with her also.

As MIL’s yourself what do you think about this? I don’t want to sound like I am dictating anything but I also want my birthing experience to be as relaxing and unembarrasing as possible!

Many thanks for taking the time to read this – I wasn’t expecting to rant this much so my apologies for the length.



Shelby

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Re: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2011, 10:39:13 PM »
It's whatever you want.  I, too am modest about people seeing me like that, and never wanted anyone except my husband and the medical personnel in with me.  Not my own mother.  Neither my mother or MIL would have ever presumed to think they SHOULD be in there - and I'm sure would be surprised if I had invited them in.  But this was 20 plus years ago, when husbands were there, but no one else.  I have never quite understood the trend of inviting other relatives in - so I think you are just fine leaving MIL out in the hall  - and she seemed fine with it last time, so do whatever you really want to do - not what you think somebody else thinks you should

Offline forever spring

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Re: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2011, 11:24:57 PM »
I agree with Shelby. You need to do what you feel right for yourself and also your husband. I think it's wonderful that you are so considerate towards your MIL, she is a very lucky person. Giving birth is such a unique experience, share this with who you want to share it with from the bottom of your heart. It's great to have you on this. You are a wonderful DIL and you bring positive DIL vibes to this forum. I'm touched.

Offline forever spring

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Re: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2011, 11:26:12 PM »
It should read, 'good to have you on this site' sorry for typo.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« Reply #4 on: October 18, 2011, 01:01:45 AM »
kandc...Hello and Welcome ....

You can be my DIL anytime !!
What a kind considerate person you are .
I'm sure your MIL would be quite happy to repeat her experience from the first GC .
It's such a personal time for you and your DH .She is so fortunate to have you even consider
her at the hospital .
Hope all goes well , good luck .

Offline Nana

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Re: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2011, 02:45:43 AM »
KandC

Welcome to this Forum....It is like home to me.

So you see LL wants to adopt you as a dil.....yes you are great.  You will be the envy of many mil's here...how did you mil get so lucky lol.  We have also some great dils here in this Forum...for instance Pam 1 is one of them....she helps us see the other side of othe coin and its great. 

In regard to your question about having your mil in the delivery room...it all depends on your wishes...and feeling comfortable.  My dil had no problems either inviting her parents and us to the delivery room.  I would have not minded if she had only wanted her husbnad (my son ) and her dm with her.   I would have wanted probably only my mom because I would have felt embarassed...someone else watching all the scene lol.
So do just what your heart desires...is all about you this time. 

Keep us posted on whatever you decide.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline pam1

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Re: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2011, 07:16:48 AM »
Welcome KandC :)

If you haven't already done so please take a moment to read the Forum Agreement and History in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

Do you know if MIL would even want to be in LandD?  Since she didn't say anything the last time?  I'm only a DIL but I can't imagine as a MIL wanting to be there and I know we've had convos on the board where some current MILs have said similar, they wouldn't be interested.  But then there are those that are.  I guess asking your MIL would be ideal.

I think you should do what feels right for you so if having her there is important than by all means ask her.  But you're also not wrong for not asking her.  And I think that's something only you can decide.

I only have one child but I remember coming up with my birthing plan and then it all went out the window lol :)  Little bugger was a drama queen.....oh signs of what was to come haha.  Anyway, IMO it's great to come up with a birthing plan and include who you want to be there but also remember it's just a hypothetical, anything can happen.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pooh

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Re: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2011, 07:19:17 AM »
Welcome Kandc and I echo what the other's said (just mad that LL beat me to dibs on you!).  I think it's wonderful that you are that considerate of your MIL, she is very, very lucky.  It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship, thanks to both of you.  I'm with the others.  Do what you are comfortable with.  If you want to include MIL, I think with her being ok last time with waiting, she would be perfectly fine with your wishes that she stay up by your head.  She sounds very accomadating to your wishes.  I also think if you want to do it like you did last time, she would be fine with that too.  I will tell you as an MIL, I have no expectations of being in a delivery room with my DILs.  I also am totally understanding that they may want their Mother's in there and am not the slightest bit jealous of that, as I think that's normal.  I would be thrilled with waiting in the hallway and being invited in afterwards.  And if my DIL asked me to come in, but wanted me to stand at the head, facing the wall and just let her squeeze my hand until my fingers broke, I would feel honored.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Doe

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Re: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2011, 07:25:20 AM »
Many thanks for taking the time to read this – I wasn’t expecting to rant this much so my apologies for the length.

What a gentle ranter you are!  I agree with everyone else.  I think if you told you MIL what you told us, she would understand and be touched that you put so much thought into it.

Offline Scoop

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Re: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2011, 07:40:47 AM »
Oh Kandc, you realize you don't have to decide right now eh?  And if you do make up your mind, you're still allowed to change it AT ANY TIME.  You're the one having the baby - you get to choose.

You can just keep quiet about it now, and when the time comes, you can decide if you want your DH to call her / invite her in from the waiting room.

You can issue the invitation, with the caveat that if you change your mind at the last minute, you can and she's not allowed to hold it against you.

Because we all know that things happen in labour, there's rarely a "textbook" case and even then, each woman experiences it differently.  You can't know today how you will be feeling THEN.

Now that I think about it.  I would NOT invite MIL now.  I would hate for her to get her hopes up and tell all of her friends, and then be disappointed at the last minute IF you change your mind.  Whereas, the other way, where you call her in, it's a WONDERFUL surprise for her.  And also, you won't feel like you HAVE to keep her in the room, because you invited her so many months ago, and she's been SO excited ever since and booting her out would devastate her .... ect .... when you should be focused on having a baby!

orphanedmominmn

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Re: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2011, 07:40:27 PM »
I agree with most everyone else here ---what a wonderful DIL you are!!!

I also agree that this is your (and DH's) baby and your body. You need to do whatever makes you comfortable. It sounds like your MIL would not have any problem with whatever you decide. I do think, though, that if she even knew how you felt about this, she would be on top of the world, whatever you do finally decide  -- just because you did consider her and her feelings -- I think that makes most people pretty happy.

I hope your MIL knows how lucky she is!!! 

Offline Pen

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Re: Mainly looking for some tips to keep our relationship positive
« Reply #11 on: October 24, 2011, 11:33:02 PM »
Enjoy this sweet, precious time!

When DH & I went to birthing classes the midwives stressed that it was our time to plan as we pleased. They also were very firm about the safety of mother and babe to be the most important thing! So if labor was slowing down because I was distracted or uncomfortable by the presence of someone, even if I had previously invited that person to be present, the visitors would be (lovingly, politely & firmly) asked to leave. Anyone invited to attend the birth had to agree to that beforehand.

Just for the record, I am another MIL who has no desire to be at DIL's labor & delivery room. I'd only do it if there were no other relatives or friends to help and she begged me on bended knees. After the birth, yeah I most definitely want to be invited to get to know my GC.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb