Author Topic: My Story  (Read 4645 times)

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Postscript

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My Story
« on: January 27, 2010, 09:04:53 PM »
Ok I am a dil, I am not yet a mil but that is just a matter of time.  My son is starting to have relationships,  my daughter is pre teen.  They are a few years apart and I had them later in life than most do.

My Mil had her children fairly young.  My husband is her youngest and is in fact a few years younger than me, although I didn't come to him with anything but assets (a good job, a house entirely furnished etc) the way my mother in law acted, you would have thought I was a gold digger, after their non existent family fortune.  Since we've been together (approx 20 years now) both he and I have gone from strength to strength.  We aren't rich, but we are comfortable and both relatively successful in our lives, this we have achieved together.

At this point I have withdrawn from the Mil/Dil relationship.  I have enough going on in my life, I don't need to be sniped at when my husband is out of earshot, be treated like I am only with him for something when I put serious work both emotionally and financially into our lives, just as he does.  I don't stop my husband from visiting, I don't prevent my children visiting.  It's just that I decided I deserve better than to be made to feel inferior by my mother in law.  My husband is supportive of that stance.

Now I mentioned my son is starting to have relationships.  He has a serious girlfriend, who doesn't seem to like me much at all.  Barely speaks etc.  I tried to think she's shy, tried to be interested.  It got worse.  I remember how it felt to be the new person in a family.  Rather than try to absorb her into my family, I try to get to know her as an individual (something I felt my mother in law never did) and treat her as such.  It saddens me that she doesn't seem to want to know me, at the moment I am not pushing anything.  I am trying my best to not feel paranoid or bitter about it because I am sure in the long run, that will just push her further.

I've been lurking here, there and everywhere, to gain insight.  I find that the young mothers today are quite assertive, I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, perhaps if I had had the courage to just confront my mother in law, we'd be in a different place now?  I felt an affinity to survivors posts, although she is a lot further down the road than I, her posts were a wake up call to me as in there but for the grace of God.

I've tried to be brief, but to give you an idea of where I am at. 

2chickiebaby

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Re: My Story
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2010, 09:25:49 PM »
Postscript,
Many of us "lurked" as you said, on the MIL hate sites and believe me, they are hate sites and we were kicked off and worse, treated unbelievably rude.  We don't want you to be done the same way if you're here for understanding. 

We don't have all the answers at all but we are hurting and learning as we go.  We all have experienced the things you are going through.  There is no clear way around it.  Your son's girlfriend is probably one who is very different from you and clearly, that won't be easy.

They always pick someone who is oddly different from the way we are. Some are much more extreme than others.  I'd give her time and right now, especially if they aren't married, just be cordial and as nice as you can be to her because believe me, she is taking in every look, gesture and word you say.

If you do the wrong thing, she will tell your son that you don't like her and you'll be off to the races in the whirlwind of a bad relationship.  I am sure that's not what you want.  Hope this helps for now.

I wanted to mention one more thing....if she continues to act the way she does, you are likely, if you're human say something to her about it.  Like, "why do you act this way here?"

If you do say that, it will be bad.  She will take that statement to your son, whether it's said in front of him or to her alone and tell him that you have insulted her or that you don't like her and it will get worse than your worst nightmare.

I hope you will be forewarned and let her act any way she wants to....if that means she is aloof and standoffish, so be it.  Ignore her.  He might marry her and he might not but if he does, watch out!  You have no idea how bad a situation can get until then.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2010, 05:24:51 AM by 2chickiebaby »

cocobars

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Re: My Story
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2010, 09:31:02 PM »
Postcript,  thank you for posting.

You are welcome here and you sound like you are at the begining stages of what most of us here are going through.  I hope you can help us.  I hope we can help you too!

It's late here too (I gather you are on the east coast also from our previous conversation).  I have to go to bed and I promise I will think about your situation and try to digest before replying. 

Don't give up on us just yet.  We need you here to help us and I believe we have alot to offer you also!  I'm happy to have you join us here!  I will be looking back in tomorrow and I know you will have lots of replies by then.

Your situation is very important to all of us here and I know you will get lots of input.  I hope you will stay and enjoy what this place offers!  God knows, we all deserve this place! 

Your heart is in the right place!  I'm proud of you and you should be too!  You took a big chance tonight!

Maybe you found you niche.  Let's talk for awhile and see!  I'm happy you're here!

Victim

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Re: My Story
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2010, 03:45:07 AM »
I am very happy to hear that my posts have helped someone in some way. At least some good can come out of my behavior if others can learn from it.

I am in counselling but I slip back into old patterns so easily.

Do you know that I was jealous of my DIL for having the only boy grandchild. I wanted my other DIL to have a boy and did not feel that the DIL I did not like deserved to have the only boy, so I started to act like the boy was defective. I made comments about him that indicated there was something wrong with him and then I was purposely unequal in terms of gift giving. I ensured I had a gift for every child in the room except him, just to start early in making him feel inferior.

This behavior of mine came up at the last counselling session. Then when DIL called me out on it, I played victim and acted like everyone was defending me in just pretending that the gift for his sister was for her and her brother. His name was not on it, but I wanted to make it clear that saving my feelings was way more important then saving his. He was 2 at the time.

My behavior has been terrible and I hope that others learn from me as to what not to do and if you ever see yourself in me even as a possibility then it is a red flag that if you catch early enough you can either change or end up like me, completely cut off with no quality of life to speak of. The choice is yours


cocobars

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Re: My Story
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2010, 04:36:04 AM »
Good morning Postscript!

Just wanted to check back in and give you my thoughts.  As I mentioned briefly last night, I believe you are at the begining stages of what many of us are living through.  The fact that you are open minded enough to consider your own problems with your MIL and look to your future relationship with a DIL shows that you're caring and loving toward your children.  I believe you are in the right place here.  I'm not saying that it is the only place, but I think you are trying to understand before it gets to the point many of us are at.  It is my hope that your efforts to understand and work on this situation ahead of your time as a MIL, will pay off.

Survivor, the fact that you can come into a public arena and admit those things, tells me that there is still hope for you.  Don't give up on yourself and think you've lost all quality of life because of your actions.  You are creating your own light at the end of that tunnel, and I believe Postscript is very "right" in choosing you as someone she see's hope in... Because you are showing us right now that there is hope!  I believe we all have alot to learn from you, especially with your recent efforts and admissions.

Again Postscript, Everybody here has a desire to work and learn from someone walking into this door.  We really do.  I'm sorry that we were so hard on you last night and I do hope you understand where we were coming from. We have so much to learn from eachother that we would never knowingly push someone out that door who is seriously looking for common ground, support and help. After all, you have something to offer us too!

I'm so happy you stayed and posted.  This fact alone speaks volumes about what a brave woman you are and how much you care about your own situation.

Take care!

Offline Scoop

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Re: My Story
« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2010, 05:47:17 AM »
I think the hardest part of the MIL-DIL relationship is all the different personalities involved.  You didn't appreciate being pulled into the family, so you're treating your son's GF differently.  However, who knows?  Maybe she's at home crying that you're not welcoming her into the family!

Your best bet is to get to know her, listen to her and be nice.  Also, talk to your son.  Make sure that he's doing everything he can to smooth things out between you.  He probably won't marry this one, but it'll be good practice for him for the future. 

Scoop
PSHHHHHHT!

cremebrulee

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Re: My Story
« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2010, 05:57:34 AM »
Hello Postscript and welcome...glad you decided to join, share and be one with us...this is a great site...we may not have the answers, but, we do have compassionate, ladies with a great sense of humor. 



Quote
Postscript
My Mil had her children fairly young.  My husband is her youngest and is in fact a few years younger than me, although I didn't come to him with anything but assets (a good job, a house entirely furnished etc) the way my mother in law acted, you would have thought I was a gold digger, after their non existent family fortune.  Since we've been together (approx 20 years now) both he and I have gone from strength to strength.  We aren't rich, but we are comfortable and both relatively successful in our lives, this we have achieved together.

Ahhh, but here is where you are wrong...You are a very rich woman....in so many ways....and sadly, your MIL didn't realize that...and it's her loss....MIL's and DIL's, have so much to learn from each other, to give to each other, to share, and it's so sad, when this happens....but, it is her loss...

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At this point I have withdrawn from the Mil/Dil relationship.  I have enough going on in my life, I don't need to be sniped at when my husband is out of earshot, be treated like I am only with him for something when I put serious work both emotionally and financially into our lives, just as he does.  I don't stop my husband from visiting, I don't prevent my children visiting.  It's just that I decided I deserve better than to be made to feel inferior by my mother in law.  My husband is supportive of that stance.

How long have you been doing this?  I hope she gets the idea and decides to change this.....it's very hard when someone is purposely letting you know, that your not welcome....that your disliked and an intruder...you sound lilke your where I am with my DIL...I just don't care anymore...still makes me angry, hurts, b/c our family always got along...and we had so much fun together...I always thought my son would marry someone confident, who wanted an extended family...never did I expect his wife to estrange us from each other...like all of us, we were blind sided....

Quote
Now I mentioned my son is starting to have relationships.  He has a serious girlfriend, who doesn't seem to like me much at all.  Barely speaks etc.  I tried to think she's shy, tried to be interested.  It got worse.  I remember how it felt to be the new person in a family.  Rather than try to absorb her into my family, I try to get to know her as an individual (something I felt my mother in law never did) and treat her as such.  It saddens me that she doesn't seem to want to know me, at the moment I am not pushing anything.  I am trying my best to not feel paranoid or bitter about it because I am sure in the long run, that will just push her further.

This is where I made my mistake....when my son came of age, I should have sat him down and had a serious talk with him about choosing women who have come from severe problems...dysfunctional families and had human nature classes with him...talked about genetics and how things can effect children...explained to him in detail, how those problems can continue and corrode a marriage, to the degree of causing family problems.  I should have discussed with him, narcissisum....self imposed, women who were seeking for a husband, only to be taken care of....and how things change after marriage.  So, if one person comes into the marriage from a dysfunctional home...chances are, there will be problems.  Also, wish we would have together read articles on the subject...sort of like a homework, discussed it freely and openly, not to mention, I had actually thought about it, but thought I was being foolish for thinking so....

Discussed with him, what to look for in a mate....someone who is outgoing, who actually has goals, perhaps college, or further education...that is a woman who will marry not because she needs to, but for love....I truly and firmly believe, that across America, this is something parents should really teach they're kids about, and the importance of understanding you don't have to be married to be successful, or because, everyone is asking you, when are you getting married, plus how important travel and life experiences are....social skills.....etc.


Quote
I've been lurking here, there and everywhere, to gain insight.  I find that the young mothers today are quite assertive, I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, perhaps if I had had the courage to just confront my mother in law, we'd be in a different place now?  I felt an affinity to survivors posts, although she is a lot further down the road than I, her posts were a wake up call to me as in there but for the grace of God.

I think assertive is good, as long as assertive isn't destructive, but enjoy very much a strong assertive person, man or woman....and I feel the same way you do, perhaps if I had confronted both of them, in the very beginning, but I was spinless...feared loosing everything...

Survivor is an amazing woman...you don't find many like her who are willing to admit they're faults and view they're imperfections which dictates to her, change, and refining....which is hard work....but we're all very proud of her...



I'm so glad you joined....and hope you recieve as much from this site as I have...it's given me strength and helped me make decissions....and affirmed that I'm never alone.

Hugs
Creme
« Last Edit: January 28, 2010, 06:00:36 AM by cremebrulee »

cocobars

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Re: My Story
« Reply #7 on: January 28, 2010, 05:57:56 AM »
Scoop, I have to tell you that we got the biggest kick out of that story you told us of that can of Pam!  We were spraying it everywhere last night!  Then Luise came through and "e-pinged" us!

You crack me up! ;D

I hope you have more funny stories like that one.  It's hilarious, but at the same time, helps explain the thought process of new mothers.  So true. Not funny when it happens, but rib breaking to look back on.  If you're having MIL problems, it might be good to tell your MIL about that one!  She may have remembered the incident and wondered what she did wrong.  It could be a great ground breaker... :)

2chickiebaby

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Re: My Story
« Reply #8 on: January 28, 2010, 06:01:37 AM »
Coco, I got up this morning laughing about that from Scoop.....psssst!  Danger!! Poison!!!!

She is hilarious.  I hope she posts more and more..  I get her humor.

cocobars

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Re: My Story
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2010, 06:06:20 AM »
Me too Chickie!  Too funny!

Creme, I am such an airhead that I was all over the place (kind of like spaghetti).  My thoughts go everywhere and I'm not always good at collecting them.  I don't know where you would say that you are not good with words.  Your advice is spot-on, and your wording is compassionate.  I'm happy we have you here too!

Pssshhht

2chickiebaby

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Re: My Story
« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2010, 06:07:34 AM »
But Creme,
Here's the danger of sitting your son down and talking to him about his girlfriend.  If they marry later and you have talked to him he WILL tell her and she will hold that against her forever! 

Believe me, when son was dating DDIL, we sat him down and talked to him about her. She was the most obessive person we'd ever met!  He did break up with her because she talked to a sales clerk in a manner that was so rude and hateful that he couldn't believe it.  Also, she had demanded that he break all ties with us.  She was treating us very nicely, though at the time.

She began 'courting' us, calling us 'Mom and Dad' and calling all the time to speak to us. How loving she was.

After they married, he must have told her that we had that talk with him.  Oh boy!  It's been a disaster ever since.  So, Mothers need to be very careful even about a girlfriend.

 Just my thoughts.

cremebrulee

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Re: My Story
« Reply #11 on: January 28, 2010, 07:01:39 AM »
But Creme,
Here's the danger of sitting your son down and talking to him about his girlfriend.  If they marry later and you have talked to him he WILL tell her and she will hold that against her forever! 

Believe me, when son was dating DDIL, we sat him down and talked to him about her. She was the most obessive person we'd ever met!  He did break up with her because she talked to a sales clerk in a manner that was so rude and hateful that he couldn't believe it.  Also, she had demanded that he break all ties with us.  She was treating us very nicely, though at the time.

She began 'courting' us, calling us 'Mom and Dad' and calling all the time to speak to us. How loving she was.

After they married, he must have told her that we had that talk with him.  Oh boy!  It's been a disaster ever since.  So, Mothers need to be very careful even about a girlfriend.

 Just my thoughts.

No, I meant, when our son's and daughter's are beginning to date, 15, 16, 17....I'm sorry I wasn't clearer

Yanno, like talk to hubbie, and have the conversation's over dinner...
we used to sit sometimes for hours after dinner and talk, even when his friends came for dinner....and we touched so many good subjects, just not that one....but, yeah, your right, and totally agree if I would have done something like that while he was dating her...however, at the time, I honestly Chickie, didn't know she was like that...she was stand offish, but chalked it off to her being shy....


cremebrulee

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Re: My Story
« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2010, 07:05:15 AM »
Me too Chickie!  Too funny!

Creme, I am such an airhead that I was all over the place (kind of like spaghetti).  My thoughts go everywhere and I'm not always good at collecting them.  I don't know where you would say that you are not good with words.  Your advice is spot-on, and your wording is compassionate.  I'm happy we have you here too!

Pssshhht

I'm the same way as you, and have been told on other forums, that I needed to come down off my high horse....or that I come off like a know it all....

actually, and I don't know if you'll understand this....when I'm writing, or posting in forums, I'm actually, talking to myself, or thinking outloud, it sort of reaffirming to me...and have been so misunderstood on other forums...b/c of my direct approach....so I try very hard to change that....but thanks so very much....hopefully, then it is working....

as you all do, I really care about people and never want to hurt the feelings of others....

2chickiebaby

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Re: My Story
« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2010, 07:09:06 AM »
You never know if they're just shy or if they're getting set to come in later for the "herding away". 

But early on, when they were first dating as young guys, we had such great girls around here who they were dating that we had no need to talk to them about them.  We just adored all of them. 

I think I told you about the one who, at her wedding, said "the only wish I have is that you two were my inlaws."

She was darling......

 

cocobars

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Re: My Story
« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2010, 07:41:07 AM »
I'm the same way as you, and have been told on other forums, that I needed to come down off my high horse....or that I come off like a know it all....

actually, and I don't know if you'll understand this....when I'm writing, or posting in forums, I'm actually, talking to myself, or thinking outloud, it sort of reaffirming to me...and have been so misunderstood on other forums...b/c of my direct approach....so I try very hard to change that....but thanks so very much....hopefully, then it is working....

as you all do, I really care about people and never want to hurt the feelings of others....

Then we have something in common.  I haven't really visited other forums, but I have been told that I come off as a know it all.  It really hurt me because I feel so inferior most of the time, and really care so much about people. 

I've been trying to work on my wording so nobody feels that way, but when I get upset, excited or see something funny, I lose it.  Then I go back and read something I've written and I'm embarassed of how it came across...

Slow progress I guess is better than none at all.  I am trying and I hope everyone knows how much I do care about them.