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What do our sons' fathers think of all this?

Started by AnnieB, January 22, 2010, 08:54:18 pm

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Chickie's thread about talking to her husband reminded me of something that pops up in my mind about our situations.

I'm not married to my son's father, but we're friendly -- I haven't talked to him about the mess with my DIL, though it did happen at his house (at his mother's funeral, of all things).   The next time we have a family get together (sometime this year),  he may notice somethings awry -- he's always been a bit distant (understatement) preferring to deal with difficulties by smoking funny cigarettes  (hence our divorce)

But it does make me wonder.  What do the fathers of the sons involved in this think of this?  Even if they aren't directly involved, they must see their own DIL's ignoring or poorly treating their wives.  Putting that aside, they must see their own sons reactions to all of that.    Seems to me as usual the women are left to deal with this while the menfolk go and play golf, watch their favorite sports shows or... I dunno...

Chickie talked about how her husband loved his mother -- have any of the fathers of these young men talked with their sons about this or do they just stay out of it?


Hi AnnieB,

Long time no see!!  Great to see you again :)....I would never talk to either son about any of this.  I tried to many years ago and both told their wives and their wives shot daggers at me.  You can NEVER talk to your son again about anything of substance. It is truly like a death...the death of a relationship....your child.  NOT FAIR!!


January 22, 2010, 09:11:54 pm #2 Last Edit: January 22, 2010, 09:14:41 pm by luise.volta
I am going to copy and paste a post that a guy wrote on this subject on my counseling website:

My mother and my wife didn't start off with too good of a relationship. My mother, while very well intentioned, would often give my wife advice on various little things such as cooking or cleaning or decorating... I never had any problem with it because I took what my mother said as advice; my wife on the other hand would always take it as criticism. Let me tell all of you ladies out there, that was a horrible position for me to be in. The husband/son has only one goal for the relationship between his wife and his mother, HARMONY. I would tell my mother to stop giving my wife advice because it upsets her. Mom couldn't understand why because she never intended to upset my wife. I would tell my wife to not take what my mother was saying personally because she wasn't critiquing, she was only helping the best way she knows how. My wife wouldn't believe me; she kept viewing it as nitpicking and criticizing. To all of you mothers and wives, please listen to your husband/son's advice in these situations; we are playing the role of the moderator and truly know and understand both sides. I know my mother thought I was betraying her and had married a hypersensitive overly emotional woman, while my wife thought my mother was an overreaching control freak. Of course they were both wrong, but I still became the unsupportive husband/son. Then all of a sudden, my mother just quit giving my wife "advice" and things started to improve. Believe it or not, my wife now actually asks my mother for advice on many different things. Mission accomplished...HARMONY!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama



January 22, 2010, 09:33:46 pm #4 Last Edit: January 22, 2010, 09:38:29 pm by AnnieB
I'm sorry... I guess I wasn't clear?

I was wondering what the husbands -- i.e., your husbands,  the fathers of  the sons married to the DIL's - think about this.   

Does anyone talk to their husbands about this?   

do the husbands talk to the sons?

Or.. well, I'm divorced so maybe I'm just stupid about this which is why I'm divorced.  My fantasy in a marriage would be that I would talk to my husband if I were married.  He, being the father of the son involved in this, would talk to his son (not in a fatherly way, but in a man to man way) about this.

... crawling back into my hole... how can I be soooo stupid????


I'm the stupid one, I didn't  understand your question.  I have cried and sobbed and had 15 nearly nervous breakdowns to my husband over the years.

Poor guy has endured years of a wife who just could not get it through her head that she wouldn't have a family because of a screwed up DIL.  One time he did go talk to the first son.  It did not go well at all.  The DIL glared at him and I think son was skeeeeeeeerd.

Course my husband doesn't give two hoots or a holler if you glare at him or not so he ignored her.  He was in their house and told them off.  I felt so sorry for son.  It was bad. 

So yes, my husband has really been through it.  I hope he gets a much more together wife next time.  He sure deserves it.  He's a wonderful man.  He deserved all that was good.  All was very good until our son married.


Well, I couldn't ask my hubby because he can't process any longer. He did live, in his former life, in a battleground between two very aggressive women...wife and DIL. And from what he has said to me, he did what all strong, warm, loving and intelligent men do...he pretended it wasn't happening, ignored the devastation and hid in his career. What else?

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama




I am not much help either. My son joined his father in Heaven. But my son knew about the dysfunctional relationship between his wife and myself. She refused to allow me to attend family functions. I would ask my son if they would like to go to the beach with me. And he told me no she would have no part of joining me for anything.

Yes, my son was aware of the situation and like luise.volta's husband ..."he did what all strong, warm, loving and intelligent men do... he ignored the situation." I think that is the norm for men. They tend not to involve themselves in mother/DIL relationships.


My DH also doesn't like disharmony. DIL suddenly, without warning, pulled invitations away from us like Anna's situation and said she hated us. It was very hurtful. She pulled a couple of other rude stunts and DH had about had it with DIL when she suddenly did a 180 degree turn and became nice again. Now he gets upset with me if he thinks I'm doing or saying anything that will jeopardize our relationship with DS & DIL.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


My son's father and I are not married, but they were from the beginning very aware of the fact that my DIL had problems...by the way she acted...I thought they were being picky...but was so dead wrong....while my DIL doesn't pull anything with my son's father and his wife, they definately saw things and were very very worried about my son at first...now, my DIL being like my son's step mother, makes it easy for both father and son to stick they're heads in the sand....which is what men tend to do....they would prefer to not have any pressure, stress....and I do believe they can't handle the stress and pressures as much as we woman do....I worked with men for almost 12 years and found them to be much more sensitive then women...not all of them, but a lot of them....it's just they way we're made....LOL


Quote from: Anna on January 25, 2010, 05:02:47 am
Pen, I know what you mean.  Now I have to walk on eggshells around dil AND hubby.  It is sooo stressful.  My hubby calls it drama, & says he can live without it.  He says dil has to have drama in her life & if things are running to smoothly she HAS to do something to cause an upset because she HAS to have that drama in her life.  I know she's had lots of drama caused by her own mother, so maybe because she was raised that way she needs it.   :-\

yanno Annie, that makes sense actually...it's what she probably grew up with and like...your hubby has something there.....


My husband (my son's step-father) saw first hand how my dil was when they lived here for months last year. WE had quite a few arguments while they were here. I had to ask them to leave.
We both agree that, where our dil is concerned, we will just go along with whatever she wants (most of the time). WE haven't had any threats of keeping our grand children away from us since my husband and I made this decision.


I understand Anna, my dil is the same way. Sometimes I will take care of my grandson 2 days overnight...every week...then it'll be 2 months before she lets that happen again. It's either feast or famine with her. We just want to love our grandchildren...I know.


Mean people Anna.
The kind that don't care who they hurt!