Author Topic: She talks without thinking....  (Read 2281 times)

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RedRose

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She talks without thinking....
« on: January 16, 2010, 05:26:29 PM »
My dil told me once that my son is weak and emotional  at times. That showed her that I wasn't such a good mother raising him.

I told her that I have received many compliments on how I raised both of my children after my first husband died. They have respect and compassion and big hearts. I asked her why would you marry and have his children if you are so disappointed in the way he turned out.

She just doesn't care if her words hurt...

She talks without thinking....

Offline Pen

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2010, 05:52:05 PM »
Do you have grandchildren? My DIL does a similar thing, criticizing my parenting skills. I think she's trying to warn us that we will not be granted the same grandparent access that her parents will when FGKs arrive. I guess it was dumb luck that our sons turned out to be marriage material!

I know how it hurts, RedRose - we put in a lot of time and sacrifice, and instead of being valued for our efforts we're told by DILs how awful we were. Even if we have other accomplishments in our lives, motherhood is always the most important one. It's devastating to not be valued. We know the truth - we've been good moms who love our sons and we gave all we could.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

RedRose

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2010, 06:01:36 PM »
I have 2 grandsons by her and she has threatened me a few times about keeping them from me. I don't say too much because of this.

My children were my world while they were growing up.
She knows nothing about our lives then.

I have learned that I have to ignore a lot of what she says and does.




2chickiebaby

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2010, 06:09:08 PM »
Rose, she is a cold, callous woman without a heart.  I'm sure she didn't have an answer when you asked her why she would marry him.  It's "telling" to me that she would say that to you.  It makes me wonder how she treats him. 

2chickiebaby

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2010, 06:13:59 PM »
if we could learn to let this go over our heads like the words were never spoken we'd be so much better off. I don't know how to do this but a friend of mine said that to me one time.

She has a daughter and a son, both married...DIL just the same as ours.  It's easy for her to let it all go over her head because she has a Daughter who loves her.  This is only reserved for mothers of sons.

RedRose

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2010, 06:52:43 PM »
I am so glad I have a daughter. (step-daughter too-16)
They keep me sane...They both see how dil treats me...My older daughter has spoken to both son and dil about how I feel...and has told them she will not take sides because she loves them...and loves me.

My dil treats my daughter with more respect than me.

See...Chickie...I have 2 daughters and it is not so easy for me to forget.
But, I do try.



2chickiebaby

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2010, 06:57:34 PM »
That is WONDERFUL that you have a daughter, step DD too.  I do see...it happens even to people with daughters.  I'm glad you have them even though no sides are taken. :)

RedRose

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2010, 07:01:39 PM »
My youngest daughter went to her first formal dance tonight.
She was so excited and beautiful.


2chickiebaby

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2010, 07:29:17 PM »
That must be so much fun getting to be with girls for those big events.   :)

Offline Pen

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2010, 07:56:26 PM »
DDD was made an unofficial mascot of the cheerleading squad in high school. They let her work out with them and hung out with her at the dances. Without them I don't know how DDD would have made it! I treasure those memories - she looked so beautiful at homecoming. She got too shy to go in the door at prom, so we went to the beach instead since we had the hotel room for the weekend :D

RedRose, enjoy these precious moments! Your daughter will give you many more, I'm sure.

Chickie, I'm kind of in between... DDD isn't going to have children, obviously, so it's kind of like I only have one son when it comes to DIL issues. But, I do get to experience some of the girly things with her.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2010, 02:33:05 PM »
Anna, be very careful....don't everyone jump on me at once but you said your son is dating a sweet girl?  They are always nice at first.   Tread softly!!

Kinzey

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2010, 07:56:36 AM »
Even though I disagree with how my mil raised her children I would never say that to her!! I surprised my husband turned out the way he did. Although he has been acting a lot like his father lately and it has caused us several fights but I would never go to my mil and tell her what a lousy job she did. She loved her kids but she spoiled them to to point where they can't do anything for themselves and it has made them very selfish and self centered. My husband's true colors came out after we were married and he cannot lift a finger in his own home. Over Christmas his mom made me do the dishes while they all sat around and did nothing! I guess I'm their servant now.

cremebrulee

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2010, 08:13:52 AM »
Even though I disagree with how my mil raised her children I would never say that to her!! I surprised my husband turned out the way he did. Although he has been acting a lot like his father lately and it has caused us several fights but I would never go to my mil and tell her what a lousy job she did. She loved her kids but she spoiled them to to point where they can't do anything for themselves and it has made them very selfish and self centered. My husband's true colors came out after we were married and he cannot lift a finger in his own home. Over Christmas his mom made me do the dishes while they all sat around and did nothing! I guess I'm their servant now.


Kinsey, that is so wrong...you shouldn't be left with all the chores...your husband is not your child...I know mother's do this...and while your right in not saying anything to his mother about it, as the harm is done, you should be talking to your husband about it....and he is the one that needs to realize, he is wrong...and make changes...Lordy, I know what you mean here...I do...that is why I taught my son to be independent, to clean, clook, iron, do the shopping...to take care of himself....so many many moither's make they're son's they're entire purpose in life, and make monsters for they're wives to be....

RedRose

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2010, 01:45:25 PM »
I admit to spoiling my children as they were growing up...even more so after there father died. But, I also taught them respect, manners, to treat others as you would like to be treated...etc.
I have always asked for help with household chores as they were growing up and I still do it today.
If that happens again, Kinsey, ask for help (his mom cannot make you do anything)...there is no excuse for laziness. They should know better anyway.
I don't see how that is their mother's fault...especially if they are now adults.



Offline isitme?

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Re: She talks without thinking....
« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2010, 06:44:56 AM »
Even though I disagree with how my mil raised her children I would never say that to her!! I surprised my husband turned out the way he did. Although he has been acting a lot like his father lately and it has caused us several fights but I would never go to my mil and tell her what a lousy job she did. She loved her kids but she spoiled them to to point where they can't do anything for themselves and it has made them very selfish and self centered. My husband's true colors came out after we were married and he cannot lift a finger in his own home. Over Christmas his mom made me do the dishes while they all sat around and did nothing! I guess I'm their servant now.

Kinzey, I"m with you.  I would never tell my FMIL that I thought she was a bad mother (even though that's the truth - she was/is abusive, controlling and manipulative).  My BF is a great guy but because his mother had no other life of her own besides being a mother, she waited on him hand and foot and he's inherited a lot of chauvinistic behaviors that he doens't even realize sometimes.  His brother is the same way and married into a family that is even worse (in terms of pampering).  It used to make me really angry until I realized that BF is actually open to change when it's introduced in a rational way.  I've noticed both his SIL or mother nag and nag and carp and carp at him and his brother when they are at home and it's really really annoying.  Both of them switch off and then it just escalates into a fight.  Now that I am basically living with BF and we are on the verge of getting engaged/married, I've let him know that he needs to help out around the house a little more because I"m not going to live in a household like that.  I hate being a nag and I've let him know that.  I just ask for his help doing somethign specific and then thank him for helping me.  It has worked miracles!  When I'm at his parents home and get treated like a servant, I plan to similarly request his help.  Do you think you could try to same with your husband?  No one likes to be nagged but I've noticed that men are generally responsive to direct, simple and reasonable requests to help out.  Espcially when they feel their efforts are appreciated!