Author Topic: Hard Times  (Read 5216 times)

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Victim

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Hard Times
« on: January 16, 2010, 03:55:46 AM »
Are there times that are harder for MILs like us who have been effected by DIL jeolousy and isolated from our families?

I find Christmas hard, my son and DILs wedding anniversary as it reminds me of when this all started, and times that were usually spent with me in the past the traditions that are no longer there.

How about the rest of you?

Also, what behavior does your DIL do to you that hurts you the most? For me it is not seeing my grandkids as I love my granddaughter so much.

Maybe we can problem solve around these times together and figure this out before the next hard time comes along.

smlgrammy

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2010, 04:54:48 AM »
Survivor - Wow, I can't imagine being totally cut off from my son and the GC. How long has it been this way? I've read some of your "confession" posts, and truly admire your courage and honesty. Know you've been going to counseling also. How's that going? Is counselor working toward inviting son to participate to help in healing relationship with him? I certainly hope so. Please keep us posted. My heart breaks for you hon.

I won't allow my DIL to hurt me anymore. I took that power away from her a while ago. Early on, after her 1st child was born, she hurt me by ignoring me as a grandmother. What I mean by this, she never called to ask if I wanted to see the baby, but would arrange those times with her own mother and then tell me about the wonderful time they had. At first, I ignored it thinking she was trying to build a better relationship with her mom. That may sound a little trivial, but being completely left out time and time again took its toll. For several months, I never spent time with my GD alone. If I wanted to see her, I would have to call (felt I had to make appointment) and go to their house. Felt like she didn't trust me alone with her child. That hurt me because pre baby I believed we were pretty close and got along well. Wrong. As I said in an earlier post, "I don't know what demons were unleashed when she became a mother but she has never been the same person since".
Thus began the downhill slide and her true colors emerged. But . . . . she does not have the power to hurt me anymore. I took that away from her.

God bless Survivor - hope things improve for you, son and GC soon. (((((HUGS))))))

cocobars

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2010, 06:02:19 AM »
What a great post Survivor!

Although I don't believe I've been able to take the power away of my DIL hurting my feelings like you smilgrammy, I always try to prepare myself for the times (christmas, anniversaries, cookouts), that she will be around.  I promise myself ahead of time that I will be open minded and "let" myself enjoy the moment.  Sometimes it works.  Other times I'm left wondering why I set myself up for it.  I'm still here trying though, and I hope we can think of more constructive ways of dealing with those times here!  Doesn't mean we'll never be hurt again, but we are trying and not giving in.  It's what separates us from the hate sites.

When someone is jealous of us, we don't have to react with anger.  As a matter of fact, I think that feeds their already misled fears and jealousy of us.  A little compassion goes a long way, and the negative comments and feelings can be filed away until you get to MILU.

I'm no expert, but those are my thoughts. 

Again Survivor - thanks for posting this!  It gives everyone a chance to talk about their own hurts but opens a door for suggestions at the same time! 


2chickiebaby

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2010, 06:44:39 AM »
Holidays are the hardest times for me, Coco.  I try to prepare myself but never know what might happen.  One DIL makes it extremely hard for us to know what will happen.

The other DIL always includes us but does battle with the other DIL for control. Makes me nuts. 

I am so aware of what they are doing that I go into a deep depression.  I hate holidays now.

cocobars

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2010, 06:53:03 AM »
Holidays are the hardest times for me, Coco.  I try to prepare myself but never know what might happen.  One DIL makes it extremely hard for us to know what will happen.

The other DIL always includes us but does battle with the other DIL for control. Makes me nuts. 

I am so aware of what they are doing that I go into a deep depression.  I hate holidays now.

cocobars

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2010, 06:58:05 AM »
Oops!  quoted, but hit the button too quick! 

Chickie, the holidays are the worst!  I get so upset when I know they are coming.  I take deep breaths and start preparing myself about a week ahead!  LOL!

I don't have any other sons (so I don't have the problems with two different DIL's), but one is enough.  I have three daughters and they seem to be fine then, except for one.  I didn't think I had problems with her until her wedding though, and realize now there were some underlying problems with my SIL instead, and her father trying to buy their attention.  I'm not going to worry about that.  It's their mistake and I believe some day it will all work out.  Time is a great healer (I'm hoping!)

Offline Pen

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2010, 07:23:02 AM »
Everything is awkward now! I never know how it's going to go. No matter what happens I have to be quiet or risk being cut off for sounding needy, jealous, clingy or b****y. I used to be fun-loving & witty, a well-informed participant in discussions of current events, loved to plan celebrations and outings. Now I feel like an old worn out pair of cheap shoes...kept around for messy chores, but hidden and forgotten until needed again.

From holidays to life events such as birthdays & graduations I just don't know what to do. Will DIL's family have a big party for DS (to which we won't be invited?) Should we have one? If we also have something will that step on DIL's toes? We're not allowed to invite our friends because DIL doesn't like them. Since our family consists of just us (everyone else lives far away or has passed on) it's always a very small gathering. DDD is hard to take if one isn't used to dealing with her. DIL's family is large, beautiful and loud by comparison, so once again we look sad and pathetic while her family looks like the more fun, successful, attractive family - who would you rather hang out with?

So much has changed for us. DIL's family has been invigorated and ours has degenerated. I used to love holidays but don't now. I have to go through the motions for DH and DDD, however. They don't deserve to lose out over this. My heart just wasn't in it this year. Maybe next year will be better.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2010, 07:56:06 AM »
Pen, I do know what you mean!!!  I was once the life of the party; we had lively debates about current issues and loved every minute of them.  That was part of our entertainment here.

DIL thought it was chaos and hated it.  While I don't blame her, I do wish that had been made clear to us but no, she had to slowly, painfully, like Chinese water torture get rid of us for her family...larger but to me, S T R A N G E.  I can't imagine son being happy there but he seems to be.  She has convinced him that he was not loved here.  (YES, SHE DID)

I don't care if anyone thinks that's not possible, it is.. if done with slow cooking.  Over time it happens and with CDIL battling her, it has become intolerable.  SO SAD!

Although if we go there (to DILs house), she runs the show and as I've mentioned, either barks orders or like a torture drill, hesitates to answer any questions for 30 seconds before answering them.  It is so freaky. 

Imagine saying, "DIL? how did you like your (whatever)?  She stands or sits and says nothing for 30 seconds and then son says, "DIL?"  and she pops out an answer.

Why did we have to enter the Twilight Zone?  I never wanted to go on Rod Serling's TV set but here I am.

Offline Pen

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2010, 08:09:13 AM »
Chickie, you mean you're actually invited to DIL's & DS's house??? We haven't ever been invited and they've been married more than a couple of years! (Oops, I mean invited for anything other than help with moving & cleaning.)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2010, 08:14:50 AM »
Let me clarify....CDIL puts it together sometimes and she takes control while there. DDIL dearly wants her friendship.

Son always says, "come up when you can"

Once in awhile, we invite ourselves to go.  When we do, all I listed in my other post takes place. 

Pen, what if you asked the next time you saw them if you and DH come go there for a visit?  Do you think she'd let you?  You could make yourselves really scare and stay in a hotel and just go over.  Do they live far away?

Offline Pen

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2010, 08:37:16 AM »
They're fairly close by, not in our immediate neighborhood though. When I told DS that I wished we could spend more time with them it backfired on me - I was seen as needy and clingy. The thing is, if we were dealing with friends we could just call and chat and plan to get together, no weirdness. With DS & DIL it's awkward and hurtful. I don't know my place so I wait for them to guide, and then get hurt because we're excluded. If I plan something and they can't participate suddenly for whatever reason, I get hurt not to mention put out because of time and money spent. It's happened more than once.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2010, 08:43:05 AM »
I'm with Granny, I won't allow her to hurt me anymore....and what hurts me the most is, she doesn't send me pics of my GD ever anymore...because she hates me, my GD must do the same.

When my DIL was pregnant, two people told me, due to her behavior before that, they feared she would use my GD to hurt me...she has...

and yes, there are harder times then others...but, I won't give her that power  any longer. 

It is harder when my friends talk about they're Grand kids...and how they so love they're DIL's and what they're DIL's do, regarding calling them, and just being part of the family...however...she is the way she is, she's not going to change, so, I'm not groing to try any longer...


would I like it to work, yes, indeed, but, I won't allow her to make me a victim and conjour up situations which puts my son in a  position that he has to choose who to believe...even if she were talking to me, if she did anything to me, I wouldn't call her on it, with him, if it was really bad behavior, I'd tell them both how I feel....but basically, I'd keep my mouth shut...

2chickiebaby

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2010, 08:49:56 AM »
I see.....it's the control issue.  Penstamen, she is exercising the need for complete control, that's why she suddenly doesn't show up or finds excuses to exclude you.  It's more out of HER need.

I have that same thing with CDIL.  She will do some things but will not show up for others. It's very hard and very hurtful and no, you don't know where your place is.  I understand that completely. 

I don't know where this need for ultimate control comes from. Does anyone else?  What causes this?   

2chickiebaby

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2010, 08:51:55 AM »
Creme, I'm glad you know of people who have good DILs.  I don't know any.  I've heard of it but don't know it first hand. 

smlgrammy

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Re: Hard Times
« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2010, 08:58:31 AM »
Gosh, after reading these posts, I am flabbergasted with the lenghts some DIL's will go to to cause pain and suffering for their husbands parents! Unbelievable, but good to know I am not alone, but so unfortunate, sad and absolutely uncalled for.

cocoabars - I was able to take away DIL's power by eliminating any expectation that she would BE kind, SAY something kind, DO something kind, etc. If it happens, great, but I no longer expect it. That way, I am never disappointed nor hurt by her behavior.

You know, I have to believe that DIL's want a better relationship with MIL's - and it is abundantly clear here that MIL's want better relationship with DIL's so why do they and us work so hard to NOT have a good relationship? Very strange indeed. Comments/thoughts?