Author Topic: Talking to my husband tonight  (Read 3526 times)

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2chickiebaby

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Talking to my husband tonight
« on: January 15, 2010, 07:54:59 PM »
This might sound strange but I've never really talked to my husband about "us" on this site.  I don't know why...just haven't.  I think I've just wanted to make it private, just for me.

I told him I was on here and how we had some DILs and MILs, both struggling to make sense of the MIL/DIL wars.  He said, "what in the world is it about these relationships?  Is it Mommy and Mommy's little boy and the DIL and her husband and nobody wants to give in?"

I told him that I didn't know that we were kind of getting to that point where we could understand it all.  I told him that the DILs usually like their FILs but not the MILs.  It has to have something to do with the dynamic of the son and his Mother.

It's hard for us to give up our premier role in our son's life.  I think the DILs feel like they have to do battle with us for him.  They don't!!  Be a friend to us.  You don't have to hang out with us but be a friend to us when you're with us, make us love you just like we love our son.  We can do that.....we really can.  I can...if I'm treated nicely.  I can love the DILs as much as my son.  I don't know about the rest of you but I can. 

My husband said that no one would have ever made him not love his mother....I knew that.  Since she died, he talks a lot more about her, her meals, Saturdays when she made big spreads of food for all his friends to eat together. Great times he had.  He stopped talking about her a lot right when she died because he was grieved so I'm glad he's talking more. 

I never felt really loved and adored by her but I wish she had done that for me.  I was so wanting to feel that from her.  We had a good relationship but I don't think she knew how to be really close to anyone.  People had a hard time with that stuff back then. 

Just my thoughts tonight.

Offline Pen

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2010, 08:09:33 PM »
Chickie, your husband sounds supportive of you in this struggle; he feels it too, doesn't he? And it's obvious he loved and respected his own mom so that must make it even more puzzling when DS & DIL act the way they do.

My DH knows about this site; at first he was worried it was a "She-woman, DIL-haters" club (Little Rascals anyone??) that would encourage me to worry about tragedies that may or may not happen in our own lives. I told him about some of the grandparents here being restricted from seeing their GKs by DILs, hoping to encourage him to join me in doing whatever it might take to prevent the same thing from happening to us in future. He is slow to react, while I jump in immediately and end up repenting in leisure, as the old saying goes. I've told him how much this site has helped me slow down and think it through and he's seen me trying to adjust (with just one or two little slips) so I think he's glad we have the support of our "sisters."

Chickie, I felt the same way about wanting it to be "just us." This is really a special place.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2010, 08:19:30 PM »
Yes, he is very supportive of me in this, Penstamen.  He is totally puzzled as to why it goes on.  I was scared too when the site first started because this is a sensitive time for us and hard enough to deal with without someone bashing us about it.

I think the DILs on this site for the most part, are very respectful of us and I really think they are trying to find their way too.  It must be hard on everybody.  No one understands what is going on, including my husband!

The grandparents who have been excluded from the grandkids is so hard to hear!!  It's so hard for them with some of them working themselves to death to make sure every dot is dotted and every 't' crossed.  So sad!

I'm glad we have this so much!!  It is a Godsend!  I've learned so much here from MILs and DILs alike.

cocobars

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2010, 05:31:59 AM »
It's hard for us to give up our premier role in our son's life.  I think the DILs feel like they have to do battle with us for him.  They don't!!  Be a friend to us.  You don't have to hang out with us but be a friend to us when you're with us, make us love you just like we love our son.  We can do that.....we really can.  I can...if I'm treated nicely.  I can love the DILs as much as my son.  I don't know about the rest of you but I can. 

My husband said that no one would have ever made him not love his mother....I knew that.  Since she died, he talks a lot more about her, her meals, Saturdays when she made big spreads of food for all his friends to eat together. Great times he had.  He stopped talking about her a lot right when she died because he was grieved so I'm glad he's talking more. 

I never felt really loved and adored by her but I wish she had done that for me.  I was so wanting to feel that from her.  We had a good relationship but I don't think she knew how to be really close to anyone.  People had a hard time with that stuff back then. 

Just my thoughts tonight.

Those are good thoughts chickie!  If we can just be friends with our DIL's, if they would let us.  I know not everyone here has that with their DIL, but when the efforts are in place...

cremebrulee

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2010, 05:36:20 AM »
Hi Chickie
Glad you shared it with him...it's always nice to get hubby's point of view..he does sound very understanding and supportive...

Hugs

Sassy

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2010, 08:44:19 AM »
This site is so nice for many reasons.  A private surf or a shared deeper understanding. 

I sometimes show my husband when I post here about MIL and share the responses with him.  He surfs around himself, sometimes.  Heaven knows we both can use the honest insight!

DH tells me he is glad for me that I can come to this community of supportive women.  And, thanks to the ladies here... he is mulling over approaching MIL about possible joint mother-son counseling!  :)

Offline Pen

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2010, 09:19:44 AM »
That would be so nice for the two of them, and for you. Best wishes!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2010, 10:01:44 AM »
This site is so nice for many reasons.  A private surf or a shared deeper understanding. 

I sometimes show my husband when I post here about MIL and share the responses with him.  He surfs around himself, sometimes.  Heaven knows we both can use the honest insight!

DH tells me he is glad for me that I can come to this community of supportive women.  And, thanks to the ladies here... he is mulling over approaching MIL about possible joint mother-son counseling!  :)

Sassy

That is fantastic.....yanno, most misunderstandings can be worked out, it just takes mature willing people who are not afraid to look at someone else's point of view and appliy it to they're life...all relationships are hard at one time or another, however, when people forget about the importance of being right at all costs...and are able to view that others think and feel so differently then we do...that is awareness...not to mention, realizing how we all effect so many other lives, in a good way, or not so good way...big hugs to you and hubby...

RedRose

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2010, 05:43:07 PM »
I have talked to my husband about this site. He thinks it is good to find different ways to "handle" our dil.
He says I've kind of mellowed about her since I have been coming here.
The same things that have upset me, have upset him also.
He is very supportive.

Offline Pen

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2010, 05:54:16 PM »
I'm glad for you. My DH is usually pretty supportive too, but he does get a little burned out. If we didn't have this site, our DHs wouldn't know what to do with us :-\
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline isitme?

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2010, 09:12:41 PM »
I'm glad that so many of your husbands are supportive.  Sassy, I think it's wonderful that you were able to share some of these posts with your husband and that he is considering counseling with his mother. 

I don't know if my BF knows what to think about my involvement on this site - I've told him about it and it's a good way to explain to him why I don't feel like I need to chase his parents approval or worry about doing the wrong thing all the time.  I feel like I have a good reality check.  I don't think he quite understands how important this site has been to our relationship but that's okay I think. 

What do you think your DILs would say if they knew you were part of this community and were actually giving advice to other DILs?  I ask this because I know that if my FMIL knew I was talking to other MILs, she would probably get very upset and would justify her anger/disapproval with a number of reasons that all boils down to the fact that I'm not talking to her - it's not about her actually wanting to talk to me (because if she did, I probably would  and might never have ended up on this site)...  she would be upset because she would think about how it would make her look bad.  Because of her insecurity, she is consumed by the fear of what other people think.  So it's more important for her that people THINK we have a good relationship, than it is for us to actually have a good relationship.  You know what I mean?  I wonder if some of your DILs would be the same way - because of their insecurities... which seem considerable...

I think this website has way too much raw emotion floating around for most guys to handle.  Too much rationality too!  ;D  But maybe they feel relieved knowing we are dealing with our feelings a lot here - because it's less heat on them! 

cremebrulee

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2010, 02:47:05 AM »
What a great thread, it is so comforting...

2chickiebaby

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2010, 06:18:56 AM »
Isitme, my DILs would find total reason for me to be out of their lives all together if they saw what I wrote here.  I would be out totally.  I think that's why we hide our names.  We can shout out and really speak our minds and hearts here. 

No, men do not like this kind of emotion....they never understand!

RedRose

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2010, 02:05:21 PM »
My dil would never like the fact I come here and talk about her. 
We both would benefit if she did come here though...she needs to see there are other ways of dealing with problems beside being controlling and threatening.

cremebrulee

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Re: Talking to my husband tonight
« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2010, 04:38:00 AM »
My dil would never like the fact I come here and talk about her. 
We both would benefit if she did come here though...she needs to see there are other ways of dealing with problems beside being controlling and threatening.

Rose, I am wondering..why do you think we're all so afraid of trying to talk with our DIL's....our age, perhaps fearing more confrontation?