Author Topic: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues  (Read 2227 times)

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smlgrammy

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The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« on: January 14, 2010, 01:25:01 PM »
Hi everyone. Been away for a week or so, and have been home sick all week! Ugly stomach bug that won't leave me be. Anyway, wanted to give an update and solicit your wonderful and helpful comments.
First, let me say that I admire the strength that some of you have in continuing to try and maintain a civilized relationship with DIL who has done some terrible things to many of you. I applaud you! Second, I realize that many of us are better at offering good sound advice even though we may not follow that same advice ourselves. This is the place where I find myself these days. I just cannot find it in my heart to even want to try and begin to forgive. Why? Many of you know part of the story, let me fill you in on recent events. I am SOOOO angry!
So....DIL moves back home a few days before Xmas after 2 days gone and swearing that she's never coming back!She said, " Leaving best decision she ever made."  Spent money on new furniture for leased house, etc etc. Slept there one night. She decides that son and her should go to counseling with part time pastor. I say part time because they go to church only when and if she thinks its necessary. After a few visits,according to my son,  pastor is getting to heart of problem and begins to explain to her how her behavior is contributing to the turmoil. Well.....she can't hear that so no more counseling. She has been making excuses not to go back. Fast forward to last weekend. My hubby and I  go over to their home to see the GD's and watch the NFL playoff games. She's not there when we get there. Son says she went to visit her Dad but is returning before game starts. Son asked her to be home before kick off as his favorite team is playing and he plans to cook before game. Very important to him, this game. Well, of course she does not come home on time and when he calls her, no answer. Calls her Dad. He has not seen her. So son is getting upset now. She get home, over two hours late. No apologies, nothing. Son then goes in and cooks her meal. No thank you's, nothing. Game over, hubby and I leave. About 8 that evening, my oldest GD (not her child) calls me crying to come and pick her up. Says she is outside (it's freezing) and refuses to go back in house. When I get there, I put GD in car and go in house (I am furious). DIL says, "your son is upstairs drunk and he slapped me 4 times. I was actually calm (I know! Surprised me too!). I tell her that both need to decide if they are going to do the hard work to try and make relationship work. Fighting not the answer, and if not willing to do the work perhaps best if they split up, but. . . . my GD should NEVER be afraid in their home.  She says, I didn't do anything. I tried to walk away, to calm things down, blah blah blah. Kept saying "he slapped me." Son was upstairs asleep, so I could not talk to him. After I get back in the car, my GD tells me the truth. Son was mad cuz she was very late and was not at her Dad's as she had said. She escalates by saying none of his business anyway, she needs "me" time. He goes outside, she follows and sticks her finger in his face yelling that he's a wimp of a man among other things and he slaps her hand away from his face. She persists, three more times, and he slaps hand away every time and then finally gets away from her and goes to bed. Well, the next day, the story told to her friends went from "he slapped me" to "he hit me" to "he beat me."  The next morning tells my GD, "Things are OK with your Dad and me now. He's not ALLOWED to drink beer anymore." ALLOWED???!!!! I want to punch her so bad I can't stand it! She is pure poison and I don't know what to do. My son called me and we did talk about it, but I let him do most of the talking and I listened. He knows the situation and tells me that she has made an appt.  with a counselor. I have to wonder....they were going to a counselor, she quit. Thoughts? Comments? Feel better just sharing, I was about to explode.

Sassy

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Re: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2010, 01:42:57 PM »


(((((((slmgrammy))))))))


2chickiebaby

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Re: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2010, 01:48:14 PM »
Gosh, Grammy, this is such a mess you're tied up with....I am so sorry! I wish I had some words to help but I don't know what you do with all this.  I guess just try to keep your head and not fall into it so you can be there for the whole thing falling apart and also for your Grandchilden.   Many blessings...

RedRose

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Re: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2010, 02:10:13 PM »
slmgrammy,

I agree with chicky! You will just need to be there for your son and grandchild if things get worse.

smlgrammy

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Re: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2010, 05:25:45 PM »
Thanks everyone. I guess there is not much I can do except wait for the fallout. Wish I knew a cheap PI.

2chickiebaby

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Re: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2010, 05:29:05 PM »
I know it's discouraging, Grammy....wishing the best and keep us posted :)

Offline Pen

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Re: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2010, 05:37:00 PM »
As MILs and moms, we walk a tightrope. All you can do is what you're doing - best wishes.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2010, 05:35:04 AM »
Granny, so very very sorry your all going thru this, but I can tell you, this marriage is not going to last long....and when they spit up...you need to display tough love and get your son into counselling so that he realizes his weaknesses in why he believes he deserves so little, and why he choose such a dysfunctional person to marry, before he does any dating. 


He needs to ask himself questions to find out why he married her.  I mean, while it is about her, he must understand, there is something lacking in him, that he would choose such a person...and he needs to seriously fix that part of him....

Why people marry?

1.  Because for hundreds of years, society dictates that if we are not married, we are not successful.

2.  to be taken care of

3.  fear of being alone

4. Co-dependency

5.  Because lust has been mistake for love

He needs to gain confidence and gain many answers to his questions, and he will realize, by self examination, all his answers will come together....and he will be a better person for all of this....but for now, please know, your in our thoughts and prayers....God awful mess isn't it?

Creme

smlgrammy

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Re: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2010, 08:58:27 AM »
Yes, creme, a "god awful mess" describes it well. I think I know why my son is doing what he can to try and make this relationship work,but knowing in his heart that it is just a matter of time. Let me give you a little background info. I grew up with an alcoholic father, in an explosive home. It taught me that I deserved more than what I saw my mother go through, and vowed that I would not stay in a relationship that did not provide happiness and harmony for my child. To escape that environment, I married too young, and married the wrong person. I was a mother at 17 and divorced at 19. My son barely knew his father and has had no contact with him since he was around 10 yrs. old. I married again when I was 31, and my husband adopted my son. He finally had the father he deserved. Unfortunately that relationship ended in divorce after 15 yrs. 

Because my son grew up without a "real family" he always said that he would never get married until he was sure he found the right person. Although he had his first child with a woman he lived with, he would not marry her for fear of divorce. Several yrs later, along comes his current wife. In the beginning, she was all about him and his daughter and they were a happy couple. They got married and until she had a child of her own (5 yrs into the marriage) everything was good. She and I got along great, my oldest GD loved her and all was well. I can't explain what demons surfaced  once she became a mother but she has never been the same person since. Don't get me wrong, she is a decent mother to her two girls, but my son, oldest GD, and myself are now the enemy in her eyes.

My son told me the other day that he wants to know, in his heart, that HE did everything he could to try and make this work. I really believe that what keeps the little tiny bit of hope alive in his heart is that he does not want to see his daughters grow up without their father as he did. He deeply feels that loss in his life and this is what predicts for him how much he will tolerate from her. He'll go down with the ship and not save himself until there is no other choice.     

cremebrulee

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Re: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2010, 10:51:50 AM »
Yes, creme, a "god awful mess" describes it well. I think I know why my son is doing what he can to try and make this relationship work,but knowing in his heart that it is just a matter of time. Let me give you a little background info. I grew up with an alcoholic father, in an explosive home. It taught me that I deserved more than what I saw my mother go through, and vowed that I would not stay in a relationship that did not provide happiness and harmony for my child. To escape that environment, I married too young, and married the wrong person. I was a mother at 17 and divorced at 19. My son barely knew his father and has had no contact with him since he was around 10 yrs. old. I married again when I was 31, and my husband adopted my son. He finally had the father he deserved. Unfortunately that relationship ended in divorce after 15 yrs. 

Because my son grew up without a "real family" he always said that he would never get married until he was sure he found the right person. Although he had his first child with a woman he lived with, he would not marry her for fear of divorce. Several yrs later, along comes his current wife. In the beginning, she was all about him and his daughter and they were a happy couple. They got married and until she had a child of her own (5 yrs into the marriage) everything was good. She and I got along great, my oldest GD loved her and all was well. I can't explain what demons surfaced  once she became a mother but she has never been the same person since. Don't get me wrong, she is a decent mother to her two girls, but my son, oldest GD, and myself are now the enemy in her eyes.

My son told me the other day that he wants to know, in his heart, that HE did everything he could to try and make this work. I really believe that what keeps the little tiny bit of hope alive in his heart is that he does not want to see his daughters grow up without their father as he did. He deeply feels that loss in his life and this is what predicts for him how much he will tolerate from her. He'll go down with the ship and not save himself until there is no other choice.   

Ohhhh my, this gave me chills....well, all you can do is allow him to do it all in his time...and I can understand why he is the way he is....and his decission....

have you encouraged them both to go to counseling? And if he doesn't go, just him....yanno, sometimes, even if she says she won't go...if he starts to go...sometimes the mate goes out of sheer curiousity...especially if when after an appointment, he comes home and doesn't say a word to her about his visit....

whataya think?


AnnieB

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Re: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2010, 08:27:09 PM »
hope he stays in the counseling.... sounds like he could use some professional support in this mess.   And it is too much for the parents of a grown child to be involved in (the counseling part)... so sorry to hear about this... :(

Invisible

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Re: The saga, or should I say "Drama" continues
« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2010, 07:43:17 AM »
If this couple decided on divorce would it be better for the children rather than watch them self medicate or self destruct? Yes, there is a lot of drama going on....the kids are in the middle.