March 26, 2019, 02:34:07 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Can You Get Past Fear?

Started by cocobars, January 13, 2010, 05:58:37 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

cocobars

Just a question:

Do you think you can help your DIL's get past their fear and/or jealousy of you as a MIL, so you can have a more relaxing and enjoyable relationship with them?

If so, how would you go about that?  Does anyone have ideas about how to mend some aparently broken bridges?

cremebrulee

Quote from: cocobars on January 13, 2010, 05:58:37 am
Just a question:

Do you think you can help your DIL's get past their fear and/or jealousy of you as a MIL, so you can have a more relaxing and enjoyable relationship with them?

If so, how would you go about that?  Does anyone have ideas about how to mend some aparently broken bridges?


Nope, sadly the harder I tried, the angrier I made her and the more she rejected me and I tried everything...tried asking her for recipes, she wouldn't respond, and there are several things she made that were awesome but wouldn't share the recipes...asked her for fashion advice, wouldn't respond, called her when she said I wasn't calling her, and she wouldn't anser her phone or return phone calls. 

My DIL could and would never admit she has any ownership in this...she hates me and that is all there is to it...and when my son wasn't around, she made it very obvious...I didn't realize it then, but now understand, she was doing it so I wouldn't return....


cocobars

Creme, that's so sad!  Do you think if you ignore her behavior and just continue being sweet to her she may turn around someday?

cremebrulee

Quote from: cocobars on January 13, 2010, 06:21:59 am
Creme, that's so sad!  Do you think if you ignore her behavior and just continue being sweet to her she may turn around someday?


call me stubborn, but I've tried for 12 years, I ain't tryin anymore....
it's up to her, I will not ever close the door, although I'd really like to close it in her face....(just kidding) but, I ain't tryin no more, she's made it perfectly clear....

I mean, just this past Christmas I'm talking on the web cam to my son and GD...and we're having a great time, and she gets up and walks across the back, just to let me know, I hate you and I'm not talking to you....if she didn't mean to do that, she would have stayed out of there, for those few minutes we were talking....but she hates it when people are having fun without her, so in stead of coming over to the camera and saying, Hi Creme, happy birthday....she walks across the back to let me know, she's there, she hates me and she wants to make me feel badly...butcha know what?  I don't care...she's just a mean angry person and I don't expect anything else from her....besides, I'm really tired of trying....I really am...it's very draining to be around her....and I'm not the only one who feels that way.

she has no emotional intelligence, it's all and completely about her.....I can't deal with that kind of selfishness

isitme?

 ugh, I feel sorry for her - how terrible to have such a wonderful and caring (and smart!) MIL but be so wrapped up in your negativity and insecurity that you cant' appreciate it.  She's going to mess up alot of relationships in her life. 

Invisible

Creme,

I know exactly what you are going through. I suffered through all kinds of immature temper tantrums put on by my DIL. Once I brought over a birthday cake for my son. My DIL told me they did not celebrate occasions like birthdays and threw me out of the house.

Since my son has died her cruel and acerbic attitude has increased exponentionally. She knows she can say or do anything to me with no consequence. If I want to continue to see my GD I will be subjected to her immature behavioral antics. As my son would have said...  "It is what it is."

Quote from: cremebrulee on January 13, 2010, 06:20:05 am
Quote from: cocobars on January 13, 2010, 05:58:37 am
Just a question:

Do you think you can help your DIL's get past their fear and/or jealousy of you as a MIL, so you can have a more relaxing and enjoyable relationship with them?

If so, how would you go about that?  Does anyone have ideas about how to mend some apparently broken bridges?


Nope, sadly the harder I tried, the angrier I made her and the more she rejected me and I tried everything...tried asking her for recipes, she wouldn't respond, and there are several things she made that were awesome but wouldn't share the recipes...asked her for fashion advice, wouldn't respond, called her when she said I wasn't calling her, and she wouldn't answer her phone or return phone calls. 

My DIL could and would never admit she has any ownership in this...she hates me and that is all there is to it...and when my son wasn't around, she made it very obvious...I didn't realize it then, but now understand, she was doing it so I wouldn't return....

cocobars

You can call me a dreamer. I just don't give up on people.  Creme, I'm happy you have decided to at least leave the door cracked a bit.  Someday, who knows...

I do believe people are good at heart.  There will always be certain ones who will not open up, or are just not trusting enough to open up, but I believe most of us out here can be reached no matter who we are.  We just have to try to understand.  It's tiring, but sometimes it works.

I hate to see the MIL's on this site with such negative outlooks about the DIL's.  I have my own problems too, but I'm here to learn to love her in spite of what she throws in my path (as I think she has had to do with me at times).  I think she will come to her senses some day.  She is just very immature and selfish right now, and I know I was too at her age (even if I don't remember it).  We all were when marriage and parenthood were new to us.  I"m not saying all DIL's are like that, but all MIL's aren't either. 

Occasionally she has come up to me and said some really sweet things about how she looks up to me and value's my opinion.  It makes it all worth it to me.  Suddenly I forget the other "things," that I disliked about her.  Kindness opens doors.  So the reason I guess I thought to post this, was because I was really trying to see if we could find some positive ways of dealing with our DIL's, and reaching through all of their anxiety to become human in their eyes.  I don't believe they always see us as "human," and some people never will.  But, if we concentrate on trying to reach them and be positive and considerate?  Isn't that part of why we're here?


cocobars

Again, I don't want to upset anyone or throw blame in any direction.  I was just trying to start a new way of looking at our DIL's.  A more positive outlook toward them.

Maybe there is something we're missing.

isitme?

I think that's a good point cocobars - kindness does open doors.  Everytime I had a "good" interaction with my FMIL I've thought "hey, this could be nice".  But it never lasts..

2chickiebaby

I understand what you mean, Coco....and I am kind.  It's just been that it's been 16 or 17 years now and I'm worn out.  Hurt and worn out.  I'll try again, though.  It's always best.


cocobars

Thank you isitme.  That is such a good place to start!  Each time that door opens, it may stay open just a little longer...

I'm happy you understand what I was trying for!  This is a site for us, but it is also a support group.  I just thought it would be nice if we could look at "positives" also!

cocobars

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 12:37:38 pm
I understand what you mean, Coco....and I am kind.  It's just been that it's been 16 or 17 years now and I'm worn out.  Hurt and worn out.  I'll try again, though.  It's always best.


You are so right too Chickie!  We will have SOOOO many times that we are worn out, and can expect to be.  I really understand.  This site is better than that though.  Anyone can start a hate site, but it takes real heart to start a "support group" like this one. 

I still think loving yourself includes forgiving others.  You think more of yourself in that process.  Thank you for posting that!  It's so valid!

2chickiebaby

I know you're trying, Anna and I know how hard it is.....you are a good lady.

2chickiebaby

Thank you, Anna...you are so sweet.

cocobars

Anna, Chickie, I understand - REALLY I do!  By the same token, when someone comes her from another site and says those things, we have to remember "they are coming from a hate site."  They aren't coming in here to learn to love us.  They are coming in to see if what the hate sites say is true.  Wouldn't it be nice if they could see that we are not judging them, but trying to love them. 

Nobody here is perfect, least of all me.  I've made so many mistakes, but I would be broken hearted if they were all held against me forever, with a door being shut in my face by someone I love.  Sometimes I feel like I am the only one trying with my DIL.  But then, out of the blue she let's me know I did something to open a door (and I hope open it even wider). 

I've come in here and called her names.  Heck, this is my safe place, but I wouldn't do it in front of my family anymore.  I don't WANT to hurt her, even if she has hurt me so much.  I guess I like the pay-off's - even when they don't happen that often, and I would like to see more of them.

I would like to be like my MIL was with me.  I KNOW there were times she bit her tongue.  Only because hindsight is 20/20.  I don't have her anymore, but she is still my role model.  She still said sweet things and I believe she sometimes probably had to really look for those "things" to say.  LOL!!