Author Topic: Green Eyed DILs  (Read 4106 times)

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Victim

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Green Eyed DILs
« on: January 12, 2010, 08:13:52 PM »
I am doing my very best to learn from all you wise MILs and there are alot of jealous DILs out there. Is jealousy what causes the issues in your situation?

What is it about you that your DIL is most jealous of? I am learning alot reading your heartbreaking stories and would like some more insight.

Are the DILs that lurk here jealous of us? I bet they are!! They are jealous that we have somewhere to post and at how intelligent we are and how we know exactly what it is they are thinking. And they think they have us so fooled, not us!! Nope!! Bet they are angry about that.

Do you think they are jealous of our wisdom, of our inner and outer beauty, at the fact that some of their kids are pining for us, and I believe love us even more then they love their own mother and I don't blame them one bit, look how wonderful we are!

Don't let the DILs make you feel down, remember it is all about JEALOUSY. Lets remind ourselves of how jealous they are. I bet the lurking DILs will be mad, the truth hurts.

cremebrulee

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2010, 05:30:10 AM »
I am doing my very best to learn from all you wise MILs and there are alot of jealous DILs out there. Is jealousy what causes the issues in your situation?

What is it about you that your DIL is most jealous of? I am learning alot reading your heartbreaking stories and would like some more insight.

Are the DILs that lurk here jealous of us? I bet they are!! They are jealous that we have somewhere to post and at how intelligent we are and how we know exactly what it is they are thinking. And they think they have us so fooled, not us!! Nope!! Bet they are angry about that.

Do you think they are jealous of our wisdom, of our inner and outer beauty, at the fact that some of their kids are pining for us, and I believe love us even more then they love their own mother and I don't blame them one bit, look how wonderful we are!

Don't let the DILs make you feel down, remember it is all about JEALOUSY. Lets remind ourselves of how jealous they are. I bet the lurking DILs will be mad, the truth hurts.

Hi Survivor....Good Morning and very good topic....

I think a lot of DIL's who say they HATE they're MIL's are very jealous and immature...I tend to question any character who claims they hate people...terrible word...and way to present oneself....

Yes, they are jealous...and the only thing I can come up with relating to my DIL is the fact that she didn't have a loving functional family...a mother who cared...her own mother was narcissistic...therefore, she didn't understand the bond my son and I had and probably Interrupted me as a huge threat.  Plus, I am still friends with several of my son's friends and was told, that when my son was first dating my DIL and they'd all get together, they would talk about how lucky David was to have a mom like me, and my cooking...I was what they all had in common, since our home was where they all came to. 

Since my DIL is also very insecure, immature, and views the world so totally different...she was afraid of me...afraid my son loved me more...so I actually believe after observiing her, and her dramatics, her soap opera antics...and how she relates to others socially, that her and her sister devised this plan together to get me out of they're lives...and it worked, some what...but fortunately, my son still remains in contact with me....and during the hard times, when it was really bad, the last time, I told him I could never come and visit him again...plus if any of your friends ever talked to me or treated me like that, that would have been it.

I believe she knew I was very strict...as far as behavior...and remember the story I told you about the four of us going out, and she and her sister had a bet going, who would pick up a guy first....well, I thought about that...and I really believe any DIL would be ashamed to play such a game in front of their MIL, unless of course...she wanted the MIL to dislike her...I think my DIL purposely sabotaged the relationship...for many reasons....

another thing is...I believe she was shocked, b/c I lasted so long...

my DIL had such a dysfunctional hard life growing up...that I believe that is why she's so angry and moody....

to her credit, when she is in a good mood, she is a lot of fun...but, even when you give things to her, she looks at it, like, ewwwww, LOL, and it seems like she doesn't like it...but when you give her money, oh, boy does she like that.  LOL

Candidly, my DIL is very territorial...she owns my son, my son is hers, and no one gets close unless she says so....no one....not even his friends, and she makes sure he is constantly working, so that she has total control...he has no other influences....no other hobbies, other then work...she has him convinced, it is HIS Job to cater to her every need...and she spends money like there is no tomorrow....but refuses to work....

2chickiebaby

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2010, 01:16:35 PM »
I don't know what causes it, Anna....I really don't.  Some are afraid, I guess that something will be said about them and some are so controlling that they don't feel in control if he's elsewhere.  I guess it's insecurity, I wish I knew.  Some of the other ladies will know, I'll bet. 

Sassy

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2010, 02:06:12 PM »
Anna,
It's certainly possible your DIL may resent that she doesn't have a good relationship with her mom, and carry that resentment to other moms, even her husband's.  :( 

It also seems possible that your DIL also may not even really understand a parent-child relationship bond carried into adulthood, since she didn't have one herself (from the child side).  That kind of love is probably not even in her vernacular.  Adult Children Of Alcoholics are taught a different language of love.  (ACOAs also can become very controlling as adults, btw, because of the chaos and utter lack-of-control in their own childhood).  So unless DIL has learned or learns otherwise, it seems possible being "loved by mama" is just not a concept this woman understands.

Quote
He has no other interests now unless dil is interested.  He goes nowhere & does nothing without her.  He can't even attend a family bbq if she is at work & can't go too.   

With the family bbq, at least ya got a consistency going there.   He goes nowhere & does nothing without her.  The other 99 things he also doesn't do, don't affect you, of course.  But if he doesn't do anything or go anywhere without her, not ever, then it almost "makes sense" that his "go nowhere without my wife" ways, would cover bbqs too.  In that regard, it doesn't seem personal against his family.  It's just what he does, with no exceptions made, even for family.  Which is a real shame, for you and your husband, and for him and his children, ultimately. But there may be a sliver of cold comfort, in that with the consistency applied to all his activities (or lack thereof), it then does not seem like a personal rejection of you or your family.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2010, 02:13:14 PM »
Sassy, I was going to ask something you who might know...my DIL comes from an alcoholic (upper class) family background.  I wonder if you think that could be some of the causes of her behavior? I'm asking because it's hard to know the psychology of a lot of things.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2010, 02:16:52 PM by 2chickiebaby »

Sassy

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2010, 04:35:04 PM »
The last time codependancy was brought up as a thread topic here, I contributed what I'd read in my own past explorations.  ACOAs (sometimes referred to as Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families instead) and codependancy go together, and to explore the first inevitably leads to the second.  My own reasons for coming to understand "The Problem," as it's literally called, aren't happy ones.  Despite receiving positive encouragement from posters about what I shared, Luise responded that it was her site, and that she did not want it on here, so I removed it.  It is her site, and I do respect her rules.

Anna had mentioned her DIL's alcoholic mother before.  It's certainly interesting that also one of your DILs happens to come from an alcoholic family.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2010, 06:59:50 PM »
I didn't realize that, Sassy.  I thougth someone was diagnosing someone else on this site and that's what Luise opposed.  I know she wouldn't mind it in the context of asking about whether having an alcoholic background effected my DIL.  I do know it must have but am not sure how.  I thought maybe you knew since you were talking about it.

I understand, though if you don't want to comment. 

Kinzey

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2010, 07:04:27 AM »
I don't think it is always jelousy or a bad relationship with her mom that makes her not like her mother in law because I know that neither is the case for me. It make work like that for some of your dils but not all of them. Maybe it is because they have very different backgrounds and they don't like change. I had a hard time at Christmas this year because it was the first time I was away from my family since we had Christmas with my husband's parents. I don't feel like I am a welcome member into their family so I struggle calling them family. I make the mistake of telling my husband at one point that they were NOT my family. I know that I need to try to see them that way but I have a hard time with it because they do so much that in my family would be considered rude and unacceptable. My mother in law cannot let go of her son and is babying him and it is making it hard for him to grow up and be the man of his new family.

Offline Pen

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2010, 07:33:47 AM »
I remember spending a Christmas with ILs when I was a very young bride long ago (first marriage.) They were not accepting of me, although I think they tried somewhat. I was so homesick. However, I survived (the marriage did not.)

Just for clarification Kinzey, or our other wonderful DILs here, what would it mean by a mom "letting go" of her son? Complete separation? Forgetting she ever gave birth? Or just butting out of the day-to-day decisions a young family makes?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Kinzey

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #9 on: January 14, 2010, 08:24:07 AM »
I don't want her to forget she had him, but she needs to respect me as the woman of his household now and show respect for our decisions as a seperate family. They do not treat him like an adult and lecture us like we are children. My parents did that when they dropped me off at college when I was 18 and they loved me and helped me when it was needed but they let me go and make my own choices and did not question them. His parents challenge every choice we make.

Offline isitme?

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #10 on: January 14, 2010, 09:52:32 AM »
I agree with Kinzey - by "letting go", I would mean accepting that one's children are no longer children but adults who are capable of AND responsible for making their own decisions.   There are always transition issues but some parents have a MUCH harder time "letting go" in this way then others..  My family is not too bad about it and we have stayed very close because they respect me as an adult.  In turn, I want to share more of my life with them.  My F-inlaws have not yet grasped this concept and it is causing a lot of struggles for my BF (and me by extension...).  Part of the problem I think is that they have had no real life apart from their children - esp. FMIL.  Sometimes the problem is also exacerbated by the "child" who finds it easier to give in rather than go through a struggle - sure it was a lot easier for my BF to bring his laundry home to mom and get his mail sent to his parents so they could sort through it for him... but if you act like a child, it reinforces a parent's opinion that they should treat you like a child. 

Orly

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #11 on: January 14, 2010, 09:54:15 AM »
Challenging every choice you both are making?  I would say they are forgetting their son has grown up...but then again, hearing what they are saying does not mean you have to implement it.

 If you haven't been married long, changing behavior patterns of how you both react to critics and how they handle new information given to them, takes some time.  Newly marrieds are learning new methods of how they want to live and parents are learning to squash habits learned over 20 years or so.

  IMHO, those first five to seven years is not only a learning and settling in period for the newly married, it is a period of time that parents need to readjust also.  If everybody can take a step back from the initial statements, to think over the comments, without taking it as a personal attack...things seem to work out faster.  Learning to fit into another families dynamics is just as frightening as leaping off that cliff into married life.....of course you sometimes don't feel like a member of the family....that feeling takes development time too.  Despite all those fairy tales we were read as children...you don't get married and live happily ever after......you get married and find out now you have to roll up your sleeves and work at twice as many relationships as before. On both sides of the aisle.

Geez, I sound pompous, I'm gonna have to work on that for ME!

cremebrulee

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #12 on: January 14, 2010, 09:59:11 AM »
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Geez, I sound pompous, I'm gonna have to work on that for ME!

You don't sound pompous, you sound more like a wise wizardess....did you know Merlin? 
Hey, lets go have a frozen margarita...heck with working on you, your just fine....and yanno, it's so simple, really...or could be....
« Last Edit: January 14, 2010, 10:01:24 AM by cremebrulee »

2chickiebaby

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #13 on: January 14, 2010, 10:06:22 AM »
That is perfect, Orly!!! I understand now.  It takes time for all of us to see where we belong!!!! I'm feeling like that today...where do I belong?  It's a horrible feeling.
Do I belong with CDIL?  DDIL?  Where? 

I realize this is a result of being abandoned as a child but that doesn't mean it's clear to me what I'm supposed to do.  I just want to belong to a family, that's all. 

Knowing all that, as parents, we have to have time and the married kids need it too.  Rome wasn't built in a day so along that vain, we can't push anything onto anyone in the situation.  It takes years....

 I think this has helped me so much!!  Both sides are trying to see where they fit in!  I get it.  Thank you!!

cremebrulee

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Re: Green Eyed DILs
« Reply #14 on: January 14, 2010, 10:07:41 AM »
Chickie, YOU BELONG RIGHT HERE!!!!   ;D ;D ;D