Author Topic: For DIL's who Lurk  (Read 5017 times)

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cremebrulee

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For DIL's who Lurk
« on: January 12, 2010, 05:08:10 AM »
People have the cabability to ruin the lives of others, and change the lives of others for the rest of they're lives.

We Mother in laws understand more then you realize....we know we were wrong for expecting you to become a part of our immediate family so quickly, and we're sorry, we were just anxious to love you...

We know we were wrong to offer advise...we lived our lives, and have made our share of mistakes....and have learned from them, however, we should have known, to allow you to do the same...instead of wanting to protect you from making mistakes..giving you advice, saying the things that we've said which cause you fear and that your character's were being insulted...

We're sorry you waged such an imaginary war on MIL's, yours and others, but you must understand, we'd like to discuss the issue with you...non-communication is the main source of why relationships do not work...not to mention...we know your angry and we'd like a chance to fix it....please allow us to do that...this is all so silly and non-productive.

Do you realize, so many people would benefit by raising the white flag, it's not just about you and me....

If you are an insecure person, everyone around you is walking a tightrope, waiting for it to break....we all fail you, b/c you expect us to, to the point of actually sabotaging the relationships....you set us up to fail you.

We MIL's know full well you can't love us, and we don't expect you to....all we want is peace and to get along...for us, for you, for our sons...you have to realize how this is making everyone sad and miserable, not to mention, what everyone is missing out on.

Hate destroys

I hate you because you look or act different from me, and I've always been taught that my way is the right way. I loathe you because you think differently, or believe in different things, than me, and I know that my beliefs are divine or superior.

Have we gone far enough? I think not. I hate you because I'm afraid that if I accept our differences, then the people in my life will reject me. I loathe you because I'm afraid that if you're right and I'm wrong, then the foundation of my beliefs will begin to crumble.

Far enough yet? Not quite. I hate you because you're different from me, and I'm afraid that you won't accept me for who I am. I loathe you because you're beliefs are different from mine, and I'm afraid that the world won't make sense if my beliefs are wrong.

Now, we've gone far enough. The root causes of hate and loathing are the fears of not being accepted and of chaos in one's life. These fears often drive people to do horrible things to one another, in hopes that by eliminating the object of a person's fear it will go away. Instead, the fear only gets worse, as every action validates the negative feelings of fear inside one's self. In the extreme, this fear has driven people to genocide; to a lesser extent, it has destroyed marriages, family relations and friendships.

If you find yourself hating someone, or something about a person, ask yourself what you are afraid of with regard to that person; then, eliminate the fear within you, and you will erradicate the hate of others. Indulge the fear within you, and the hate will persist forever. Ultimately, the hate will destroy the hater, not the object.


Again, I know you believe we've made some terrible mistakes and have done awful things to you...but remember, you are what you believe...

Every relationship has ups and downs and every family has it's own personal family politics...but this, what your doing, being so angry and hateful, looking for things to accuse us of....is causing so much heartache for everyone, not just MIL's...it's hurting you to...it's above all, hurting your husband beyond belief....(NO ONE IS PERFECT, absolutely no one and no one can live up to your expectations)

So what can we do?  If you really want all this to stop...there are many options..but the first one must be...to let go of hate, and anger....your insecurities come from your childhood...you must realize that, and you must face the fact, that your angry a lot of times and you don't even know why...those feelings to are from your childhood....we understand, that our son's were probably the first time you had someone love you....but they are not your possessions...and you must understand, people think and feel differently.  It doesn't mean they disagree with you, or are angry at you, or critizing you, it is simply how they were raised to believe...

Don't continue this raging war with your husband's mother...she is not a threat to you, and if she is, you have the power to set boundaries...to speak up, to discuss the issues that bother you, and then move on...

Insecure DIL's are as common as a 3 leaf clover....and it takes time to trust, but if you would give it half a chance, most of the insecure DIL's would realize, they would not only be respected, but gain a good friend...not to mention, everyone would be happy....

Is this what you want, disharmony for your husband, hurt and pain, b/c he feels that if he talks to his mom, goes to visit her, or takes her on a speacial outing once in a while...he is being disloyal to you...that is the way you make him feel...you expect him to take sides...and going against one of the two women he loves is very difficult for him.  Think about how much everyone is missing out on b/c of your stubborness....

I believe a lot of you feel and fear, if you give in, then more of your time would be spent with the inlaws...and you resent that...but when you grow older, and your all alone...remember, these words....that you will in fact, suffer lonliness like you've never known before....b/c you caused so much pain and sorrow within a family...all simply b/c you have taken a lot of what we've said, as an insult against you when it wasn't meant that way....

I agree that there are some inlaws whom one can never reach, due to drug addiction, abusive tendoncies, or alcohol abuse....and they're are some inlaws who are just plain mean and dysfunctional people, but for the most part, a lot of these problems could be remedied, if you just only would drop your bows and arrows....please identify and take ownership for some of these problems and get into counseling with your MIL....don't fear saying, I was wrong and I'm sorry...we're all wrong...and I betcha the MIL's here would appologize if they only knew how much your really hurting...this has to be awful for you, and very painful as well...





« Last Edit: January 12, 2010, 05:16:21 AM by cremebrulee »

2chickiebaby

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2010, 05:38:33 AM »
Why do DILs throw our love away?  Why won't they let us love them?  We make any mistake, just one and we're out.  Out of our son's life forever.  How could that be?  Out for a mistake or even two mistakes?  Three mistakes?  Is that it?  How many mistakes until we're "cut off"?

How many times till we are in the "Fifth year of Major Cut-off of MIL/FIL and Loving Every Minute of it?"  (a headline I've seen a thousand times) 

Offline Pen

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2010, 06:31:46 AM »
I think some DILs have a fantasy going in about what their perfect married life will be - I know my DIL did, and we didn't fit in to the picture. It's almost as if DS becomes an object like the new condo, luxury car, big screen TV...he ceases to be human with human parents, so it doesn't register w/DIL that she's hurting feelings any more than it would affect her if she traded in an old car for a shiny new one.

FDILs, if your FMIL & FFIL don't fit into your fantasy picture, and you don't think you can ever accept them, it's probably best to move on. Find someone who has a family you can tolerate.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2010, 06:46:35 AM »
In a conversation I was having with CDIL, I asked her if, in today's world, money was all there was to life?

She told me quickly that, "yes, it is"

That stunned and so disappointed me.  I knew it in my heart but didn't want to take it in.

Nothing bad ever has happened to her at all so she doesn't know anything but money and depending on it.  She can be very nice and for that I am grateful.  She also is completely absorbed in "things".  Being beautiful, she is welcomed into the best circles, in fact, invited in before anyone else. 

DDIL, with all her faults, isn't.  I wish she cared for us.  But then, neither one of them really does. 

Offline Pen

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2010, 07:07:57 AM »
I know, Chickie. It's really sad, because beauty and money are not lasting. Both can be gone in a flash, and then what do you have? The "stuff" means something else to them, I think - it is a visual manifestation of their worth in this world.

Creme & Anna, it is a see-saw with them, isn't it? I wonder if I'll ever get to the place where I'm not wondering what's coming next?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2010, 07:18:30 AM »
Anna, Penstamen,
I know this one well...the "see saw".  One nice gesture is followed by using us.  It's just as hurtful but I am prepared now for what's coming next.  (I think I'm prepared)

I seem to always be surprised.  We will fall for anything.

Penstamen, you're right, they don't realize that beauty does fade and money can be gone "just like that".   They don't know that it is not a lasting thing.

She is telling the granchildren that money is that important too. It's hard to hear.....we didn't raise son like that. Good thing he has a great job (that could go too)

cremebrulee

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2010, 08:27:34 AM »
Creme, wow that was so true.  That is exactly the my dil is.  I know I've made mistakes, & am willing to admit to it, but dil either can't or won't admit that she has made some too.  I guess that's where maturity comes into play.  My dil isn't mature enough to take the step into taking part of the blame for what has happened.
This site has helped me deal with sooo many things cause my dil just keeps coming up with stuff.  You know she invited us over for supper the other night, which was really nice & we had a great time, & here comes the but, BUT everytime she does that she does something like having her Mom who has a drinking problem babysit.  There usually a nice thing followed by a wham of some sort.  Does doing the nice thing for us justify doing something really mean after, in her mind?  I just can't figure out how she thinks.  While I enjoy the nice things she does, I also get really scared of what may be coming.  Does this sort of thing happen to you ladies as well ?   ???   :-\

Anna, do you think next time, she invites you over, you could say; "are the children going to be there?" and if she says yes, act overjoyed, and if she says no, "say oh darn, it would be so nice to spend time with your entire family".  Could that be done, sort of like letting her know how you feel, and see if she picks up on it?

cremebrulee

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2010, 08:34:54 AM »
Anna, Penstamen,
I know this one well...the "see saw".  One nice gesture is followed by using us.  It's just as hurtful but I am prepared now for what's coming next.  (I think I'm prepared)

I seem to always be surprised.  We will fall for anything.

Penstamen, you're right, they don't realize that beauty does fade and money can be gone "just like that".   They don't know that it is not a lasting thing.

She is telling the granchildren that money is that important too. It's hard to hear.....we didn't raise son like that. Good thing he has a great job (that could go too)

Well, I'm not falling for it anymore...son or no son, I'm going to treat her, exactly as she has treated me, I don't give a you know what, if she is there or not...or if she talks to me or not....

I don't like this woman's behavior, and she will NEVER get another chance to treat me so rudly and meanly as she has done in the past...

I love my son and GD, but, if they go with her, so be it....I'm fed up Chickie....especially after seeing all the pain that you gals go thru.

Do you know my son on several occassions enabled her behavior as if it was ok...for instance....

He told me, a lot of DIL's don't get along with they're MIL's....as if that makes it ok????

Have you ever heard an abused person say...

1.  Well, he doesn't run around on me...or at least I'm 100% sure she doesn't run around on me, as if that makes everything else she does, OK? Sheesh????

2.  He yelled at me once, going back to the airport that it was all my fault, and I cried all the way home on the plane, I will never ever forget that....

3.  He makes excuses for her behavior...as if it's ok and she has a reason....sheesh? 

I'm really quite done with it...I will never close the door, but I'm not ever kissin her royal butt again...she will not make a victim out of me....period!

Chickie....she will raise my GD to believe what her own sister told me...you use men, you get what you want out of them by rewarding them with sex....and you use sex to get them to agree...she told me, you train them, like a dog...and if they don't do what you want, you leave them?  I wanted to smack her face....

and do you have any idea how many relationships she's been through...tons, and they were all not only very handsome men, but very accomplished with they're careers....ca ching....

Do I sound upset?  LOL



« Last Edit: January 12, 2010, 08:38:41 AM by cremebrulee »

2chickiebaby

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2010, 08:37:06 AM »
Creme...here I go, "Downer Debbie",  Negative Nancy" but if Anna says that, won't the DIL think she is only interested in the kids and not her? One more thing to hold against Anna?


cremebrulee

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2010, 08:40:29 AM »
Creme...here I go, "Downer Debbie",  Negative Nancy" but if Anna says that, won't the DIL think she is only interested in the kids and not her? One more thing to hold against Anna?

sheesh, I dunno Chickie, she just might?  Its so hard to predict what an insecure mind will think...yanno, I sure am glad I don't have to live with this or near it...it would drive me nuts, always trying to second guess how she is going to take this or that...but your right, she might?

2chickiebaby

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2010, 08:44:39 AM »
I know how you feel, Creme....exactly!  They do train them and ultimate control is their goal. They do get it and they name it on some of the sites.  "My V****"

I have one of those too but I didn't know it could be used to control? 

Regarding what your son said, "a lot of MILs don't get along with their MILs"  Imagine how  it felt when son went to counseling with DDIL before they married and the counselor told him, "it's NATURAL not to like your husband's mother"

How dare her!  She happens to be a friend of ours.....no more.  She knows us and she said that to our son!  Son was so silly that he came back and told us what she said!


cremebrulee

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2010, 09:21:39 AM »
I know how you feel, Creme....exactly!  They do train them and ultimate control is their goal. They do get it and they name it on some of the sites.  "My V****"

I have one of those too but I didn't know it could be used to control? 

Regarding what your son said, "a lot of MILs don't get along with their MILs"  Imagine how  it felt when son went to counseling with DDIL before they married and the counselor told him, "it's NATURAL not to like your husband's mother"

How dare her!  She happens to be a friend of ours.....no more.  She knows us and she said that to our son!  Son was so silly that he came back and told us what she said!

Well, my girlfriend went balistic when she heard that comment, and if she read what the counselor told your son, she'd also have a hissy fit...that is just SO WRONG!  WOMEN????????? 

Sassy

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2010, 10:29:09 AM »
Creme, Even though I am not a lurking DIL, but a participating one, I think that your proposal is beautiful.  Relationships take 2.  And no one is perfect.  I'm sure not perfect!  Not a perfect wife, not a perfect daughter, not a perfect DIL.

Perhaps the "see-saw" can also be seen as an ebb-and-flow.   Like a MIL, a DIL can't be perfect all the time.  She can give what she can give when she can give it.  And other times, there's probably "outside" forces (marriage, stress, work, children, health, her own family, moods) that allow her to give less to the relationship. 

I didn't realize Anna's DIL invited her to dinner, and then had her own drunken M babysit the grandchildren while Anna went to that dinner.  Talk about experiencing a "guilty pleasure"  :( 

I know right now, the one thing I am having trouble rectifying /understanding / forgiving / going with the flow of with my own MIL is that she does speak poorly about me, to my DH.  I know she can't help what she feels, but, on the other hand, saying the words to him is something she can control.  He tells me what she says about me.

For me, for anyone to say negative things about me to my husband, even though she's his mother (or perhaps because she's his mother??) seems like the actions of someone who's trying to drive a wedge into our marriage.  I don't see anything good that can come out of it.  And it's hard for me to understand why'd she denigrate me to my husband, unless she really wanted to change the way he views me to the negative.  He doesn't listen to her talk like that, anymore.  And he's asked her to stop.  But... (I'm crying as I type this) .. the idea that she would want my husband to see me as selfish, or greedy, or cold, breaks my heart. 

And right now, that point seems to be the impasse in the relationship.  I know she's not perfect.  I sure don't expect even close to perfect!  I know she experiences the relationship from her end, as seeing me as the reason DH doesn't pay her bills anymore. And she sees me as the reason she's not getting her other needs met by him, as she once did.  For her, that's valid.  I can see her point of view.   But...that she tries to convince a man of this about his wife, who's crazy about him, is almost dumbfounding.  Do you think is there a point where someone, who is having that done intentionally do them, as partners in a marriage, will come to realize someone who takes action as if they don't have the marriage's best interest at heart, may be hurting the marriage.

I think it's more fear, than anything.  Fear that letting her in, will show more things to say about me to him.

I guess I hope someone can help me rectify that.  I think this relates to your topic?  If you'd prefer me to start another thread about this, I will. 

cremebrulee

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #13 on: January 12, 2010, 10:55:32 AM »
Hi Sassy
I'm so sorry your going thru this....

thanks so much for asking....and please understand, my answer is not biased in any way....

you know your MIL much better then I do...but I will say this, I have said some not to nice things to my son, about my DIL, in trying to convince him of her behavior...so I am not speaking about you and your MIL, just telling you what I have done...

when she got up and walked out of my apartment, b/c he was telling me about his job...then went to his father's house and started humming, as if to say "Mission accomplished"...I told him about this and said, she needs help...now, if I hadn't been so emotionally involved, I would have probably handled my words much better, and sometimes wish I had, but then, I think, I told the truth, and vented my frustrations to him...so, it's not like I'm talking behind her back, if she'd give me the chance, I'd probably say the same thing to her face at this point in time, but me, I'm done being nice....so that is the difference....

Yes, I do think it is very possible for people to say things out of anger that they don't really mean...haven't you?  I know I have...

you might be right about your husband's feelings...about letting her in and allowing her closer...

if I were your husband, I would put my foot down...while she is his mother, she is not beyond manners and respect, therefore, he needs to tell her, I don't like what your saying about my wife, and the more you say, the less you will see us...ever...so, mom, the choice is yours, which may wake her up.  She needs to know you are HIS wife, and someday will be the mother of her Grandchildren, and he's sick and tired of the gossip....he loves you both, but if made to make a choice, it's going to be you? 

she just seems to me, like she's being unreasonable....

Have you done anything to hurt her, have you ever snapped at her?  Was she like this when you were dating, when did all this start?


2chickiebaby

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Re: For DIL's who Lurk
« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2010, 11:18:20 AM »
Sassy, your MIL does seem to be exceedingly unreasonable.