Author Topic: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion  (Read 4701 times)

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cremebrulee

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Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« on: January 11, 2010, 04:25:32 PM »
Did you know that an abuser isolates they're victims from any support from others....

I copied this from another site:

friends become concerned when behavior starts to change. Victims lost interest in the things they once enjoyed.  They became secretive and moody. When friends ask if they are having trouble, victims deny that anything is wrong.


Healthy relationships involve respect, trust, and consideration for the other person. Sadly, lots of relationships don't have these qualities —

People in abusive relationships sometimes mistake the abuse for intense feelings of caring or concern. It can even seem flattering. Think of a friend whose boyfriend or girlfriend is insanely jealous: Maybe it seems like your friend's partner really cares. But actually, excessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love involves respect and trust; it doesn't mean constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship.

What Is Abuse?  Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships.

Emotional abuse (stuff like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others) can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, putdowns, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt — not just during the time it's happening, but long after.

Signs of Abusive Relationships  Important warning signs that you may be involved in an abusive relationship include when someone:
harms you physically in any way, including slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking, kicking, and punchingtries to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you hang out with, and what you sayfrequently humiliates you or making you feel unworthy (for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you)coerces or threatens to harm you, or self-harm, if you leave the relationship twists the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner's actions demands to know where you are at all times constantly becomes jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends

A flag of abuse is when someone says to you, "if you love me you would", that is manipulation on theeir part.

Trust your intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

Emotional Abuse:
An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.
Take a moment to consider these questions.  Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you?  Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?

1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute.  He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior.  The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher.

Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities.  You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends.  Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

3. The brainwasher creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.

Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave.  He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.

5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

In other words -- What he says, goes.
 

« Last Edit: January 11, 2010, 04:44:42 PM by cremebrulee »

Offline Pen

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2010, 05:53:00 PM »
My stepmother is the same way. In dealing with her we've been known to insist that we're all present when discussing matters of importance and all hearing the same information so she can't change history and zing us with it. She's much smarter than I so I have to protect myself since I can't out manipulate her. She totally brainwashed my dad to that point that he handed all financial matters over to her. He now has nothing.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2010, 06:54:52 PM »
This is a good description.  Unfortunately, I think a lot of us here are going to see things that sound familiar.   :(


cremebrulee

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2010, 03:54:05 AM »
Dil sounds like a brainwasher.  she isolates, talks to son like he is bug to be squashed,  allows no other input.   Son is afraid to talk to her, son acts so differently now than he ever did before.  Sometimes it's like I see him, I know he's standing there but he is a complete stranger.  It is so weird, the changes I've seen in him.  He says dil never says a bad word about anyone, but I've heard her do it.  Son has friends who don't see him anymore.  what she says absolutely goes.  No one can argue with her, because they will not win that argument.  She will have her own way !!

Exactly, the same with my son Anna...what you have described here word for word....it's when they want, how they want, where they want....I don't think my son has done anything for himself in 13 years...what is it with these wives that can't allow they're husbands to have quality time on they're own....
Unbelievable, how some women think, they're husbands have to live They're Idea of what marriage should be, 24/7?  Unfair, mean, and unthinking, totally selfish and none caring....

cremebrulee

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2010, 03:55:38 AM »
This is a good description.  Unfortunately, I think a lot of us here are going to see things that sound familiar.   :(

Indeed!  It's ironic how abusive wives follow the same pattern....it is not normal to estrange a man from his family....it is not....these women are so immature....and it makes me so angry that our son's follow along with this distorted program.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2010, 05:33:02 AM by cremebrulee »

Invisible

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2010, 07:37:55 AM »
The only abusive relationship I allow myself to tolerate is my relationship with my DIL. She calls me names in letters and to my face. She would love to provoke a verbal altercation. I allow her to say whatever comes into her mind. I will not respond. I will not allow myself to engage in a confrontation. My goal is to pick up my GD.  My comments to her are extremely superficial. "How do you like this cold weather?".....keep her preoccupied talking about the weather. Better for me. (I could careless what she thinks of the weather.) Even the administrator at my GD's school told me they thought my DIL was a bully..... She has screamed vulgar words in the office at the staff.

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2010, 07:44:43 AM »
Invisible, that's terrible.  I'm so sorry your DIL is like this. 

I think it helps to get outside confirmation on these kinds of things.  It might be upsetting to hear the administrator say something negative because you are thinking of how if affects your son/grandchildren - but then you don't feel crazy thinking you are the only one noticing these behaviors.

I agree with Creme, it is just not right at all for a DIL to estrange her husband from his family.  It's not okay for ANYONE to do this - and just a sign that someone is either really immature or really unhealthy.  Or both. 

In the case of someone wanting to distance themselves from their OWN family however... well that has to be their call - in cases of abuse, unhealthiness etc.   But often, a spouse will get the blame for that no matter what since they are seen as the outside influence.  I'm doing my best not to be that person though.  I'm sad that many of your DILs don't seem to care though..

2chickiebaby

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2010, 07:55:46 AM »
Invisible...I hope no one takes this literally, OKAY DO. ;D

Whatever happened to vigilante justice?  You know, like Gary Cooper in High Noon where he was married to Grace Kelly and was the sheriff?  You know how he took on the bad guys in town? 

Some people do not deserve to breath our air.  I think your DIL is one of them.  How does she get to live and the rest of us just have to eat the dust her of her shoes when she leaves?

I'm sick of this.  I really am sick of all the mistreatment of others.  Where is Gary and why isn't he protecting the town?  Oh drats!! He's dead!!  All the good ones are dead.  :(


Invisible

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2010, 08:08:03 AM »
isitme,
My DIL is so insecure she wants to push everyone out of "her family's" life. She wants and expect their world to revolve around her. For example; she is bad mouthing my son to her daughter. It is as if she resents her daughter loving anyone else. Even though he is dead.

I am not allowed to participate in holidays. I am pushed out of family events. I am not considered to be a grandmother just the MIL. I am just considered to be the free baby sitter. I had to explain to my GD several times how and why I am part of her family. I am afraid I will eventually be push away permanently. Especially, after my DIL remarries. I my goal is to establish a relationship with my GD before that happens. If everything falls apart in her world my GD will know she has a safe place to go.

Invisible, that's terrible.  I'm so sorry your DIL is like this. 

I think it helps to get outside confirmation on these kinds of things.  It might be upsetting to hear the administrator say something negative because you are thinking of how if affects your son/grandchildren - but then you don't feel crazy thinking you are the only one noticing these behaviors.

I agree with Creme, it is just not right at all for a DIL to estrange her husband from his family.  It's not okay for ANYONE to do this - and just a sign that someone is either really immature or really unhealthy.  Or both. 

In the case of someone wanting to distance themselves from their OWN family however... well that has to be their call - in cases of abuse, unhealthiness etc.   But often, a spouse will get the blame for that no matter what since they are seen as the outside influence.  I'm doing my best not to be that person though.  I'm sad that many of your DILs don't seem to care though..

Invisible

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2010, 08:10:37 AM »
Invisible, that's terrible.  I'm so sorry your DIL is like this. 

I think it helps to get outside confirmation on these kinds of things.  It might be upsetting to hear the administrator say something negative because you are thinking of how if affects your son/grandchildren - but then you don't feel crazy thinking you are the only one noticing these behaviors.

I agree with Creme, it is just not right at all for a DIL to estrange her husband from his family.  It's not okay for ANYONE to do this - and just a sign that someone is either really immature or really unhealthy.  Or both. 

In the case of someone wanting to distance themselves from their OWN family however... well that has to be their call - in cases of abuse, unhealthiness etc.   But often, a spouse will get the blame for that no matter what since they are seen as the outside influence.  I'm doing my best not to be that person though.  I'm sad that many of your DILs don't seem to care though..

2chickiebaby

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2010, 08:20:46 AM »
Invisible, this cruel, contemptuous woman does not deserve this child!  I just can't stand her! 

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2010, 08:51:59 AM »
Invisible,
Your granddaughter is lucky to have you.  She is fortunate that you can look beyond her mother's terrible behavior and express your love for her.  Hopefully as she grows up, she will be able to recognize that more and more.  Your DILs behavior is just terrible.   :(

cremebrulee

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2010, 09:30:51 AM »
Invisible,
Your granddaughter is lucky to have you.  She is fortunate that you can look beyond her mother's terrible behavior and express your love for her.  Hopefully as she grows up, she will be able to recognize that more and more.  Your DILs behavior is just terrible.   :(


DITTO!!!!!

huggin you

2chickiebaby

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2010, 09:34:28 AM »
Isn't it amazing, Creme..that Invisible is there, even in her grief to be all there is for her Granddaughter!  How wonderful that she is.  Maybe we could look at it like that....a blessing that she is there!  Nothing can take the place of such grief but Invisible is there.

cremebrulee

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Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2010, 10:26:12 AM »
Isn't it amazing, Creme..that Invisible is there, even in her grief to be all there is for her Granddaughter!  How wonderful that she is.  Maybe we could look at it like that....a blessing that she is there!  Nothing can take the place of such grief but Invisible is there.

God knew that that little girl would need protection, and he picked Invisable...and she will be steadfast by that little girls side whenever she can...and do whatever she can, and this entire situation, may all end up so good for Invisable and the child...but in God's time...not ours....

I'm so thankful for angels like Invisable...