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GF wrote back 7 days later

Started by triplelace, September 22, 2011, 11:26:38 am

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September 22, 2011, 11:26:38 am Last Edit: September 22, 2011, 12:00:45 pm by Pooh
Okay, here is her side, but all disguised in what I have learned is
manufactured on her part and never relates to what actually
happened.  When I read this, I hear her yelling, talking fast
and aggressive.  Immovable.  But maybe because I've listened
to her so many times. 



What happened at the babyshower?

She is obviously very angry. But she isn't in cut off mode either. Willing to share a birthday in some way. And willing to meet and discuss issues and give you time with the grand daughter.

I have to say she has a point. She isn't saying anything that isn't unfair really - but maybe unfair to your situation. I don't see her asking for anything over the top - do not stop by unannounced (as suspected - she wouldn't like that) and she would like your relationship with her child to be a permanent fixture or none at all - which I think is fair, maybe she fears a similar relationship to the one you had with your son, who knows?

Her wording is aggressive and the last paragraph is her really showing her teeth as momma bear. I don't know the intimicies of your relationship so no clue if its warranted but giving you the benefit of the doubt here, her tone is NOT helping in mending fences.

Take time to think about this before you respond is my advice.


Hey there again triple.  First, thank you for being so open and sharing that with us here.  I know you sincerly want some advice on what she said.  One thing we try to do here is help protect our members and help try to keep some of your confidential things more anonymous.  I deleted the actual email for that reason.  Can you please just kind of paraphrase what she said for everyone?  Thanks.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Since I did get to see it, I will tell you that her wording was very harsh, IMO.  There were nicer ways to say what she was trying to get across and it did come across as very aggressive and demanding.

I do agree with alohomora that if you take the emotion out of it, it doesn't sound like she is to the point of cutting you out of the picture.  She is relating that it will be her rules and you will have to decide for yourself if you can live with her rules and agree that things will be done her way. 

The one thing that she did say that really bugged me was the "I don't care about your feelings".  That does say to me that she is not interested in forming a relationship with you, but she did say she is willing to let you have a relationship with GD on her terms.

I too am curious what she was referencing about the baby shower incident?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I didn't see the email, so I don't know how harsh she was and what she said. I'm going to offer this up.  Do try to look past the writing style and focus on what she actually said.  I suggest this because sometimes people intentially use a harsh style to push people away.  She might be being deliberately mean and provocative to push you away.  Then down the line she can point out how she tried to include you in their lives, but "your delicate little feelings got hurt" because her language wasn't to your liking. 

Good Luck!


Oh you are SO right on.

I wrote an email to my son --after she didn't reply (sooner) and told him if anything was
going to change.. it was up to him.

I'm sure he shared with her, so she decided to respond to me (hence this email) and all
for show, as with everything she seems to do.

Thank you


Maybe you should take a look at what you are doing to push her buttons so badly.   

This whole thing seems like a contest to see who can be on top, the boss, who can flatten the other one.   Is that what you really want?   

You will never be able to get to that GB unless you find some way to give her some respect as a mom.   I know, I'm going through something a little similar to you.  I realize, though, that my relationship to my GB is entirely dependent on what her mom thinks about me.  If I make her mom hate me, I don't have a chance with the GB

Did you have relatives that your Mom didn't like?  What did you think about them as you were growing up?


All that you say is true.  I am a loving person, and have not mistreated or responded negatively, nor even got angry at her.

I've been baffled by her response to me and identify it as her idea of what love is.. it's like if she
sees my son loving me too much, she must destroy it.  which concerns me with a baby, but
then again none of this has been rational.  I took a friend of mine to the shower for back up because of the events that had occurred with GF around the shower in the days b4.  she watched her in action.

Believe me if there was something I could except agree that I did things I didn't do --which is just a smoke screen anyway....I would have done it.

thank you again

lancaster lady

hope I can share some of my experience with you .....
whatever you say or send to your son , he will show it to his partner .
My DIL complained that my issue was with her , so I should deal directly with her , which I did eventually.
you are putting your son in the middle , which he will find very difficult , wanting to support you ,
but also having to side with his partner .
I don't know what caused this rift , as I didn't see the post , but whatever it was , it sounds as though it is
between you and her .
In order to make things ok , you must at first make peace with your son's partner .
I managed to do this with equal respect on both sides .
You have to accept she is the mother of his child at the same time she has to respect you as his mother .
This is where most DIL/MIL relations fall down , until you reach this point , it will carry on at loggerheads .
I was a huge thing for me to offer an olive branch , but my granddaughter meant more to me than my pride .

I would still wait until tempers are cooled and approach with caution to her , not your son .
If she is determined to block you out of their lives , you will have tried your best .


I don't doubt that you are what you say you are - maybe that is what driving her crazy!  I'm just saying, the route to your GB is through her.   You have to decide if you want to remake yourself to be the person she thinks you should be in order to have access to her GB.

For me, it wasn't worth it to have my DIL try to manipulate me in order to be with my GB.
Maybe it is for you.  Sorry to be so pushy with my opinion - your GB's mama reminds me of my DIL a bit and I feel myself getting steamed up for you.

My solution for now is to build on my good relationship with my son, enjoy pictures and stories he sends about GB.  I don't put him in the middle of anything with her, just keep things like and easy so he enjoys talking to me.  The last time she and I communicated,  she told me to go away and leave her alone, don't talk to her so I'm following her instructions.


What she wants is for me to say I did things when my son wasn't around, that I can't say I did
because I know otherwise.

And I think she's plain scary..so if I did lie (and that's not going to happen) then would I be
around her more.. yes.. and my GD yes..but it would only be temporary and the same turmoil and lying, and drama NO.. I'm done.

I'm taking the advice that says it's just not the right time.



The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance.

A dear friend is awaiting results from a biopsy. I've been thinking about her and the posts here today. I have a picture of all of us amazing women standing in a crowd, some of us randomly getting zapped for no rhyme or reason: breast cancer, job layoff, troubled kid, tree falling, tornado, wicked MIL, crazy DIL (or vice versa) etc. It's not fair, but there it is.

None of us deserves the poor treatment we have gotten from others, but we can't change anyone but ourselves. I think you just made a wise choice, TripleLace. Spend this time on yourself!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


thank you

That's great that you healed the rift with your DL.  Mine has been this way since I came off the road and met her.  (baby or no baby) I don't even understand what it means to not respect her as the
mother of the child.

I don't respect her. personally, she has done nothing but destroy any trust at all even though it was given freely at first..but I have never suggested to her, she do, or be anything other than what she is or has been.  Sorry , it's all on her.  Sorry to be right about something like this.

  She destroys the homes she lives in, she runs out into the neighborhood with just underpants on screaming at my son with a butchers knife chasing him down the street. Her temper never cools down.  Approaching her at all is dangerous and I've just  decided to stay away. (LOL)


Tripleplace, good for you in recognizing your limits.  Life is too short.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift