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Help-Input required-Girlfriend not married, with baby wants mom out of picture

Started by triplelace, September 15, 2011, 05:25:38 pm

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Hello wisewomen community, In need of other wisdom. My son's marriage to another girl was dissolved and within 9 m. he has a girlfriend. It will be 2yrs in Oct. they aren't married and my granddaughter will be l in Oct.  This girl has made up lies,  has redressed, reframed and conceived ways of making sure I am a target of her made of stuff. Til now I have blown off, not responded,
I have acted as if nothing was screwy never approached her about the lies, she finds ways of turning a simple loving situation into a nightmare, she found a way to make sure I was not a participant in the baby shower, and directed my son to pull me aside and ask why I did things to her that I didn't.  I am at a loss, he steps aside, he thinks I can make friends with her.  She has kicked me out of their house, 4x, not from what you would normally think. No angry words, at least from me, just crazy.  He takes her side, by not responding like I count as a mother.  My granddaughters bd is coming, there will be a party at the park, my son seems to think I will make up with her.  I am really alone in this.

At this point I there is no honesty, at all! and I have not really approached her directly, my experience of her is nothing but dishonesty.. Im not even sure I have described the situation..
I am just at a loss.  Your comments would be welcomed


Welcome, Triplelace. There are a lot of women here who can relate to your story, and I know they'll be replying soon. I'm sorry you're going through this confusion and hurt.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Welcome - I'm so sorry you are up against such tough stuff. We can't do a thing about another person's dishonesty. They are how they are. All we can do it to learn how best to deal with them (or not.) It can be a terribly painful process as you have described.

As soon as you get a chance, start reading the many posts here with circumstances very similar to yours. It will give you a chance to get acquainted with a few of us. There is a wealth of sharing and caring here.

We ask each new poster to go to Open Me First and read the Forrum Agreement to be sure this site is a fit for you. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Hi Triplelace-

Are they planning to marry?

Your son's GF sounds a little like my DIL.   My son tried for a while in the beginning to get us to work things out and we would patch things up but the relationship was so brittle, it never really stuck.   Before I ever got to know her she thought I didn't like her.  I have a mental list of all the things I done for her and given her - the sorts of things I would give and do for other family members that I love. 

Frankly, her behavior is a little bizarre to me at times.  I've been told here that one person's bizarre is another person's normal, but this woman seems to be living in an alternate reality where I'm an enemy.  Her last email to me said "go away, leave me alone, go find something else to do with your time" so I have left her alone.

I'm lucky to have a good relationship with my son so I build on that.   He doesn't know how to fix he situation so I don't put him in the middle.   That's the only advice I have since I'm fumbling my way through this.  Just build on the good things and don't make things worse and ignore the rest. 

And who knows, maybe they won't marry?


Thank you for your reply, your suggestion is good. Having a granddaughter in  the pic kind of
complicates it, my son said his GF is the gatekeeper, she's the one I have to go through, with my only mistake being I am a mom. This GF is the total opposite of his last one, who wanted me involved sometimes too much.  I could go on just waiting for them to break up realizing if she decided to act like she wanted me around the little one, she would just as quickly remove the little one.. and there's no doubt in my mind she wants me at a distance and not involved.  Just a waste to even talk about it
i guess.

lancaster lady

Hello Triplelace and Welcome ....
I could have written your story a year ago !
Perhaps not to the letter , as i have never been put out of the house !
I am surprised your son stood by and let this happen , as I hope mine would have never stood by and let me be thrown out !
However I was never getting to see my Gd and things got out of control ., he said I would have to work it out with his GF before I could see my GD.
I took the bull by the horns and met her head on .We eventually cleared the air , and you would be amazed how things
ended up .
Your DS is taking the same stance as mine , by not getting involved , and letting the women scrap it out .
Seeing my GD meant too much to me to leave things as they were .
My advice is do approach her directly and ask her what the problem is , you are the babies grandmother and have a right
to see her . Your son should see this and want you in her life .
I had to do this , rather than stand in the side lines and accept the slim pickings that were offered .
That is the alternative I'm afraid .
Perhaps not for everyone , but it worked for me ....good luck .

ps , my son and his partner married 3 weeks ago !


Thank you Lancaster Lady 

I'm glad to hear your relationship was healed.  It is generally my style to handle issues directly.,
so I'm glad to know it worked in your case.  I am inspired by that. My son suggested I drop by one
Saturday, he said he'd be there.. (but obviously not as support). I did write her an email that said

"It feels strange not seeing my granddaughter grow up.  I would like to make plans within the
next few weeks to stop by and visit.  My preference is to come by with your
invitation. When would be good for you? Respectfully,"

I am waiting to get a response.  Take it from there I guess.  I'll write in the updates.  This seems like a great sight.  Thanks again.


Welcome, TL - I have modified your post a bit. We don't use proper names or ask others where they live. Sometimes they volunteer it but for many anonymity is vital.

Before you post further, please go to Open Me First on the Home Page and read our "Forum Agreement" to see if it is a fit for you. Then please also read "How this Happened"...right below the Forum Agreement. to catch up a bit with our history. Thank you.

You may find that by reading many threads here you will get a sense of our community and how it works. Again, you are most welcome.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome Tripleplace :)

It sounds like going through gatekeeper DIL isn't working.  Perhaps she doesn't want to be the gatekeeper?  I know it's a common complaint from DILs that their DH will not make the plans himself, he leaves it to DIL who doesn't think it's her responsibility.  A lot of married couples today do "your FOO, your responsibility."  It sounds like DS and DIL haven't quite figured out how they're going to handle it.

In any case, I think DIL is a dead end for you.  Since you do have a good relationship with DS it would be much better, IMO, to make plans with him.  Not up in the air plans, but real plans.  He can do it.

Good luck
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


Hello triplelace,
I certainly had difficulty with my dil and not because I didn't try.  Looking back, I realize there was no connecting with her.  She does not have friends, has never had.  I feel sorry for her inability to really love others and likely because she does not like herself.  We all probably suffer from that to some degree, but she is not very self-reflective and projects her unhappiness onto others. 

What I am trying to say is that there was no "winning" with her. There was nothing I could have said or done to please her, or to make her understand that I was trying to love her. 

Put your best foot forward, be ready to maybe hear things you don't want to hear, and then remember that you get to chose too. Perhaps this is an unhealthy situation for you, and you might need to distance to heal yourself.

Good luck to you.  There is never a "right" answer - we all just do the best we can.


thanks for the advise, it helps me not feel so alone and like it's my fault or I should be doing something to change it.  I am on introspective and have take inventories always... this time
it is not me. 

Since my son, thinks there is something I can do, (whatever it is he just doesn't think it should
be anything he needs to do or say), I will see if she responds to email and if not I will show up
and make one in person attempt...when he's there so there is no made up stories to go round.

Thanks again, I really don't believe she is capable of change, (at least in the near future) as
since there was no action I took to turn has just been her agenda not to have me
around, baby or not.  from the beginning.

Thank you again for all your support



Tripleplace, do you know why DS is pushing you to contact DIL?  Why he can't do it?  It seems very odd that he cannot make plans with his own mother.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


My DS (i'm assuming this means my son?) has told me there is nothing he's going to do it's between
me and her.  So in essence the only way to see my granddaughter is for me to somehow get his GF
to change her mind about me. To do this I need to talk to her.

What I told my DS is I would only go over to their home if he was there.  This is due to the fact that she makes up stories. If my DS isn't there GF story will no way reflect what really goes on.  I really do not like being around them anymore because of they're always pulling something out of the hat that I've supposedly done, (it's hard to explain, she creates trouble out thin air doesn't really need anything substantial to work with..) , The result of experiencing my DS and his GF the past 2yrs  has really made me not want to be too involved with them, it's negative and not healthy.  I don't believe they're healthy either, but I'd rather them targeting each other than both of them stirring things up with me.

My son moved to the other coast with his dad when he was nine yrs old.  I saw him at Christmas
and some yrs a couple of wks in the summers.  So, I know though my heart loves him, I know we are not real close no son of mine who was close to me would have followed his GF suggestion to tell me to leave when I because he and his GF were going to have family night.

But obviously I don't have that relationship with him.  I have had a bit of a shocking awareness that
he is not the young man I thought he was, and I even think he and his GF deserve each other.
That might come off as cold, but I think he has some life lessons to learn. And I really don't think he
respects me enough to listen to me.  It is what it is. 

He and I aren't at odds with each other, I just don't see us as close, he filters what he tells me and
he's lied to me over and over in front of GF.  It's been painful, but for him to be in the relationship he is with this GF, he's in pain somewhere too.

All I want to achieve right now, is to occasionally visit my granddaughter and not get kicked out.

Hope this helps to clarify and thank you


I sincerely hope your expectations are met regarding granddaughter visits. Many of us have had to give ours expectations up. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama