Author Topic: question for the MILs  (Read 963 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline isitme?

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 238
    • View Profile
question for the MILs
« on: January 07, 2010, 10:43:48 AM »
Okay, I"m cutting some of this from my last post because it didn't fit in with the theme of the thread (which was very positive):
-------------
I know I still have a lot of growing to do...I wish my FMIL was the same way but sadly, despite all our recent "positive" interactions, I will still expect bad behavior from her in the future and find it very difficult to trust.  Maybe this is a question I can ask to the MILs on this forum - it might be premature because there is a slight slight slight chance that my FMIL will change (I'm not holding my breath)...... but ladies, what are you supposed to do with an F/MIL who ISN'T like you....not willing to admit any fault, not willing to look inside herself, not willing to create a life for herself, always picking on you...  In short, a person who is pretty much impossible to have anything other than a superficial relationship with where you are walking on eggshells the entire time.....
-------------

The really kind and sweet exchanges we have been having over the last few days about appreciating one another and helping each other grow and learn have made me feel a little bit sad because I know my FMIL will never be able to be like you.  And I think many of you have heard enough of my story to form some opinions of your own about my situation.  Some of you have warned me to be on the lookout for any red flags from my BF since he comes from a family that I think most of us would characterize as unhealthy.  In some ways, I think our families are exactly opposite and that's why I'm having a hard time learning how to deal..  I think in my family, we are emotionally close but physically, we like to live our own lives and not interfere with one another too much (well, of course it happens from time to time).  In my BF's family, I see ALOT of interference, judgements, and the inability to let children grow up and lead their own adult lives...so I see them as physically close but emotionally VERY distant...  I don't want to say one is better than the other but I think I prefer my family's style since it allows us to maintain a very close and loving relationship with one another even if we aren't all up in each other's business all the time.

Ladies.. you have kind of become my surrogate MILs here and I really dont' know how I would have been able to handle things without your advice and support.  What do you think I should do?  What type of relationship should I try to have with this woman?  She's really not like any of you at all (besides the fact that I dont' think she knows how to use the internet....)

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: question for the MILs
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2010, 11:01:12 AM »
darlin, it's all good...when you find people who think and feel as you do, you really do hit it off, you meaning, in general, not you personally.  ;D

Now, unfortunately, you don't get to choose your FMIL...and unfortunately, she is a real stinker...therefore, I say in all sincerity, stop trying so darn hard...if you don't you'll drive yourself into depression....you cannot make people like you...

yanno, before things reached the stage where they are now with my DIL...I was just like you, thought I had to make it work, resisted the fact that she hated me, was in some sort of distorted denial in my own head...why, this was my son's wife, the love of his life, we had to get along...if we didn't I'd loose my son....I even compromised my own personal institutions and one of them being, if someone crosses me then I'm done...if someone treats me with little or no respect, then I'm done...

And b/c he was my son, I didn't adhear to that and became a snibbling little weakling...but...there were times when I'd shrug it all off and say, yanno what, frankly I don't give a darn...and those are the times, low and behold, something good would happen and surprise the bejezzus out of me.

Well, girl...I'm going to be frank...there is and never will be anything you can do, unless this woman herself changes...as I said before, I don't believe it's you, I believe it would be any woman who married her son...

You are somehow going to have to resolve it in your mind that this woman doesn't like you and will never except you...no false hopes just accept the truth and drop all the expectations you ever had of having a close relationship with your inlaws.....

that way, you back off, you expect nothing, your calmer, and you don't obsess about what you can do to make it better.

Hun....let me tell you, when your dealing with people like this, the harder you try, the less they like you....uhhh huh, it's true...they see you as weak and cowardly, and to be quit honest with you, I'm sure my son actually was shocked that I didn't go off on my DIL right from the beginning and set things straight right then and there...I was wrong for compromising my identity...and for trying so hard...that I regret..that was not me...

I'm sorry this happens to anyone...but like I said, sadly, life isn't always fair...and things don't always go our way...

so respectfully I say, the sooner you resolve yourself to this fact, the sooner you'll have peace...you see...when we do this to ourselves, what you are now doing and what I did, there is an inner turmoil that goes on within ourselves and it eats us alive, b/c subconsciously, we know, we are being wishy washy and actually making ourselves the victim....don't do that to yourself.  you don't deserve it...continue with the counseling...b/c I believe your BF is going to need it long term, and it's a good way to self examine, but the other person should be there, and she's not, nor will she ever be....so, your BF is going to have to stop wishing for more, and face the facts, b/c if he doesn't he's going  to set you up to fail...instead of his mom...

that, is what I see...again, I could be wrong, I mean really way off base...but wanted to offer my thoughts...

and just for the record, I like you a lot and wish my DIL were more like you.   ;D

big hugs...
Creme

Offline isitme?

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 238
    • View Profile
Re: question for the MILs
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2010, 12:02:09 PM »
Thanks Creme.  Wow, you must be a super fast typist!

I think I have come to terms with the fact that my FMIL will probably never like/approve of me.  It doesn't bother me that much anymore now that I've figured out what might be going on with her - everyone here has helped me with that and also provided some positive reinforcement that I woulnd't be a horror DIL or anything like that (not that I"m perfect but I think I'm a pretty nice girl in general)..

A lot of it is going to boil down to my BF - and I see what you mean about him maybe setting me up to fail.  But I think he's also really having a hard time seeing things the way I do because it's hard for him to see his mother this way.  I think she makes him really unhappy but he's the only mother he's ever had so I can understand why it's hard for him to let go of that feeling of guilt or obligation to her even when she is treating him (or me) badly.  I don't know what it's like to have a mother like that.  I think a lot of these issues he's going to have to work out on his own with the help of counseling, and I think he really does want to work on them because he knows he can't have a happy, healthy marriage (to me) unless some of this mess gets sorted out.  It's HIS job to do this, not mine - and I'm sure it's going to be an issue we deal with for a long long time.  How can I help him do this?  I'm thinking back to some of the posts where MILs bemoan the way their DILs "poison" their husbands against them.  I don't want to do this so I'm learning to hold my tongue.  But it's hard to explain to him why I am trying to keep my distance from her (my latest phone call not withstanding).  I KNOW she's not going to change and you're right:  I think it would be healthier for BF to stop wishing for things that can never be.  I also wish he could just acknowledge that I have tried my darndest and I'm not at fault if I dont' want to keep bending over anymore.  Let's see... 

I dont' know how many more times I can say thank you to the MILs on this site.  Deciding to get married is a REALLY big decision and I've been realizing how hard it is to make that decision without my parents or my extended family here to guide me.  I"m very much an independent person but in matters like this, sometimes you do feel like you need your elders to guide you with their accumulated wisdom and insight.  So I"ve said it before and I"ll probably say it many more times - thank you. 
« Last Edit: January 07, 2010, 01:24:48 PM by isitme? »