Author Topic: What do you think of this....  (Read 3164 times)

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liz

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What do you think of this....
« on: January 05, 2010, 08:22:07 PM »
So one of the more hurtful things mil has said/done was when my youngest was about 4-6 months old. From the time she was 2 months old until she was about 6 months old she wanted no one but me and cried when she went to anyone else including dh a few times. So one time dh and I went to dinner and left the kids with mil, we stayed close in case dd didn't do well and not long after we finished eating mil called and said she hadn't stopped crying and nothing she did would work. So we went to go get the kids and mil says, "That's what happens when she stays at home with mama all day." Wow, talk about smack in the face. So then she and I were out in public and she says it to a stranger that we had never met before, I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make the other person uncomfortable. The third time she said it was in her home and I spoke up and said (it just hit me that all three times dh was out of the room or not with me at all, hmm...I wonder if she would've said that with dh present?) "we have done nothing different with her than we did with (older child's name)" even fil said something about all babies having different personalities. Mil said she thought when older dc was dd's age that she (mil)was around every day. Umm...no...that wasn't the case at all. Where she got that idea I don't know. So what do you think, was I over reacting?

2chickiebaby

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2010, 08:38:42 PM »
Oh Liz, she shouldn't have said it...no doubt about it.  Everything is such a slap in our faces when things are told to us like that about our kids.  I understand how you feel.

I remember how sensitive I was about EVERY little thing done and said to me when my kids were little. Certainly she is going to cry when he's away from Mama.  That's why we have Mama's. Just know that she shouldn't have said it and you are sensitive about it.  When you are sensitive regarding your kids, your own Mom could say it and it hurts.

I can relate. My Mil said to me, "he sure is solemn"  I was devastated. Solemn? What did that mean?  Also, she thought we were partial to the other son.  No, we were trying to build other son up because things didn't come as easy for him as the one she was talking about.    I know she didn't mean to hurt me but it did.   

They say things without thinking and you are sensitive about them. That's all there is to that.  Just move on past it.  Not worth it.  Just my opinion but everyone can chime in with something else. 

cocobars

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2010, 01:31:23 AM »
My children acted that way all the time.  I thought it was normal for babies to be like that.  "Mom" is their world at that age, and when the world walks away, they cry.  I don't agree with your MIL.  If anything, the fact that your baby is actiing that way says more about what a loving mother you are than anything else.  My family used to joke around about my children doing that when they were babies. They grew out of it!  LOL!

Do you think she may be feeling like the baby doesn't like her, since she couldn't calm the baby down?  Maybe if you talk to her about it and invite her over to help with the baby while you're there with her it will help. 

cremebrulee

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2010, 09:43:11 AM »
So one of the more hurtful things mil has said/done was when my youngest was about 4-6 months old. From the time she was 2 months old until she was about 6 months old she wanted no one but me and cried when she went to anyone else including dh a few times. So one time dh and I went to dinner and left the kids with mil, we stayed close in case dd didn't do well and not long after we finished eating mil called and said she hadn't stopped crying and nothing she did would work. So we went to go get the kids and mil says, "That's what happens when she stays at home with mama all day." Wow, talk about smack in the face. So then she and I were out in public and she says it to a stranger that we had never met before, I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make the other person uncomfortable. The third time she said it was in her home and I spoke up and said (it just hit me that all three times dh was out of the room or not with me at all, hmm...I wonder if she would've said that with dh present?) "we have done nothing different with her than we did with (older child's name)" even fil said something about all babies having different personalities. Mil said she thought when older dc was dd's age that she (mil)was around every day. Umm...no...that wasn't the case at all. Where she got that idea I don't know. So what do you think, was I over reacting?

Same thing happened to me...when my son was just a little baby...we had gotten a sitter...went out to dinner and a movie...and when we came home, the sitter's mother was there, holding our child...my aunt...who was 30 years my senior

she said, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THIS CHILD?  My son, used to cry so hard, if he didn't get his way, he'd hold his breath until he passed out!!!!

This frightened the sitter beyond comprehension, she was only 15 years old.

Well, I spoke with the Doctor about it...he said, when your son does that take him over to the sink and splash cold water in his face, he'll take a breath...and he did...but, yanno, that baby sitter refused to come back.

Like you, I was very very hurt when the babysitter's mother said that to me, but can now, understand the terror her daughter went thru, and yanno, I can honestly say now, she was sooooo right...I spoiled him...I held him way to much....and rocked him....so, I quickly started to change that pattern...

I'm not saying your wrong and your MIL is right or visa versa...she surely shouldn't have said that in public...but...believe me, I promise you and this may not be an excuse...when we get older, I don't know why, but we get very outspoken...we don't care anymore who likes us and who doesn't...I guess b/c we realize, life is to short...in her own strange way, hurtful as it seems, maybe she is trying to help you, not hurt you, and this is the only way she mentally knows how...some people just do not possess tack...and I'm thinking something else, if she didn't care at all about you, she wouldn't be saying this...so deep down inside, maybe she really loves you a lot??????? I dunno, but what I do know is...some of us older MIL's, do not possess the tact we should....and also, are not as aware of your feelings as we should be....

I don't think you were over reacting...but what I do think is sometimes we gotta bite the bullet once in a while to keep peace...as long as it's not always once sided...

Please know, I'm not taking sides here...you know her much better then I do....

« Last Edit: January 06, 2010, 09:49:33 AM by cremebrulee »

2chickiebaby

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2010, 09:50:27 AM »
My son used to hold his breath too when he was mad...the Dr., very wisely said, "he'll catch his breath when he passes out"

I was hysterical about my kids.  Once, when the oldest was little, he'd only eat green peas and oatmeal.  Same Dr. said, "you can live a long, long, long time on green peas and oatmeal"

HUH? You mean it wasn't an emergency?  I wrote down in their baby books how many times I rushed them to the Dr.  Once for "hiccupping".  (yes, I know I was really stupid)

Everything anyone said to me about them, I took as a horrible indictment of my parenting.  This Dr. always set me straight.

RedRose

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2010, 09:59:26 AM »
"My son, used to cry so hard, if he didn't get his way, he'd hold his breath until he passed out!!!!"

Creme....my daughter use to do that too....sheesh
It used to scare the hell out of me...and I received the same advise from her doctor...either that or let her pass out and she'll come back out of it quickly.....I always chose the water...

But, I did spoil her...held her and rock her for hours....

Liz...your MIL should not have said that and to keep on saying it in public is just wrong.....I don't think you overreacted at all


« Last Edit: January 06, 2010, 04:16:12 PM by RedRose »

cremebrulee

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2010, 10:31:35 AM »
Here's a little gem for you...I was soooo wrong!

I was there visiting...my GD was little, ohhhhh, maybe 3 or 4, I don't remember...anyway, my son was talking and he knocked over a glass of water and it spilled all over my GD...it was cold and the poor thing just gassped...
well, me and my big mouth...I looked at my son and said, "remember to always bring along a set of clothes...cuz ya never know".  well, my DIL took that as I was trying to discredit her parenting skills, and I didn't honest I didn't.  but ohhhh man was she mad....

gave her another reason to hate me for life.....

should she have been hurt....well, knowing her, yes, as she is so insecure...but if I had been with another girl her own age...and said that...they would have shrugged it off...or said, yeah, let that be a lesson to me....

but man oh man, was she mad at me....thereafter, I never offered anything in the way of any advice again...and quit frankly, I cannot be myself around her...it's like walking on egg shells, your always afraid you'll say something to hurt her feelings...it's awful, and someone I really don't want to be around...
your in constant fear and you cannot be yourself...plus she never says anything, holding a  conversation with her was like pulling teeth, she wouldn't talk...all she ever asked me was..."How's your job, and how's your mom?"  That's it...she never engaged in conversation...

and whenever we'd go anywhere, she'd have this aloof air about her...I think personally b/c she's so insecure, it's a wall and front she puts up....

when she had dinner at my home, with my family, once in 12 years...she never said one word to anyone...she would answer them if they tried to pull her out of her shell, but she was rude and avoided any conversation...if my son got up to go out front to smoke, she went with him, instead of staying with the family and socializing....she doesn't smoke...she gave everyone the impression that we were all no good. 

After she left, I asked, "What do you think?"  They said, very aloof and antisocial...she doesn't like you creme..she doesn't like us, and she never will...she did nothing to feel comfortable...she made everyone feel like she was being victimized."  But, that could have also been her guilt, after the way she'd been treating me, she thought they hated her....but they didn't...my family will give anyone a chance, and they are very forgiving, including my older sister, who is a pretty tough gal. 

So Liz, I've made mistakes with my mouth, but is it any reason to start a war, and hate your MIL for life...? 

Does it make any sense to you, or do you disagree?

« Last Edit: January 06, 2010, 10:35:28 AM by cremebrulee »

Orly

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2010, 10:46:42 AM »
 Liz,
Kids develop attachments and then change them in a blink.  Your baby can go for a long time just wanting to be with you and next day you aren't the soup-de-jour, Daddy is.  You aren't warping them.  This is one of those non-issues that when someone else comments on should be ignored, it is an aspect of child development.

Frankly, I'd rather be dealing with a child who holds his breath, that really doesn't last long before he resumes breathing.  The water trick works and so does blowing in their face (that triggers the breath reflex).  I think the toughest behavior I ran across was the little girl that cried herself sick and I do mean the projectile vomiting experience.  Trying to calm her and dodge that was REALLY  a test of agility.

Orly

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2010, 10:59:19 AM »
Creme,
That advice you offered you DIL wasn't anything for her to go over the moon about.  It was a comment.  She is going to see, hear, infer anything and everthing to her slant of view.   She has held you over this barrel for 12 years, you have bent over backwards for her feelings and she is still cracking the whip. Are you going to be any worse off if you take back your humanity and treat her like you treat everyone else? 

cremebrulee

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #9 on: January 06, 2010, 11:01:52 AM »
Creme,
That advice you offered you DIL wasn't anything for her to go over the moon about.  It was a comment.  She is going to see, hear, infer anything and everthing to her slant of view.   She has held you over this barrel for 12 years, you have bent over backwards for her feelings and she is still cracking the whip. Are you going to be any worse off if you take back your humanity and treat her like you treat everyone else?

yanno, your right...absolutely right...


liz

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2010, 12:37:12 PM »
So Liz, I've made mistakes with my mouth, but is it any reason to start a war, and hate your MIL for life...? 

Oh, there wasn't any war or hatred over this. This actually happened quite a while ago, it's one of those things that I've been wondering if she meant to be hurtful or not. I'm quite sure her feelings were hurt because dd wasn't as easy and happy an infant as ds son was. DS was so laid back and happy and NEVER had any kind of separation anxiety in his life. DD on the other hand is the complete opposite. I've always thought by saying "That's what happens when she stays home with mama all day" she was taking her hurt feelings out on me.

But you know the saying "once bitten twice shy"? Well, I'm mostly definitely shy about opening myself up to her like I once did. And that's not just because of this one incident, there are others I'm bound to post about at some point to get you all's take on them.

liz

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2010, 12:47:13 PM »
Like you, I was very very hurt when the babysitter's mother said that to me, but can now, understand the terror her daughter went thru, and yanno, I can honestly say now, she was sooooo right...I spoiled him...I held him way to much....and rocked him....so, I quickly started to change that pattern...

(hugs) The thing is, she wasn't right. You can't hold a baby too much, all the experts agree that a baby can't be spoiled or held too much. Your sitters mother probably was scared because her daughter was scared to see a baby hold it's breath like that and so she was blaming you for something you had no control over. I'm sorry you are blaming yourself for something you shouldn't be. In fact you should be proud that you held and rocked your baby as much as you did, some parents don't care enough to want to do that. I breast fed both of mine so I was holding them both a lot during feedings (since breast fed babies eat more often than bottle fed) and rocking them to sleep etc..still I had one that was so laid back and happy and one that was just the opposite. All babies are different, but you did nothing wrong.

liz

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2010, 01:09:38 PM »
Doesn't that depend on the age of the baby?  the older a baby gets, the less rocking & holding a baby should need.

Yeah, I would think younger than a year old. By the time mine were about 9 months old they didn't need rocking unless it was in the middle of the night and they woke up crying. I would think by the time they were walking and not wanting to be held all the time. If you think about it, newborns come into the world being rocked and cradled in the womb for 9 months, then they're born and all of a sudden to hold and rock them is spoiling them? Doesn't make sense to me.

SunnyDays09

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #13 on: January 06, 2010, 02:43:29 PM »
Creme, your dil seems a bit too sensitive in the parenting department, to me.

    Who knows what goes thru the minds of others? 

If it were me, I would have told you that was a GREAT idea and from now on I am bring sets of clothes for everyone if we are around your son.  And had a laugh.   
   But what she did just makes me wonder.

cremebrulee

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Re: What do you think of this....
« Reply #14 on: January 06, 2010, 03:13:14 PM »
Creme, your dil seems a bit too sensitive in the parenting department, to me.

    Who knows what goes thru the minds of others? 

If it were me, I would have told you that was a GREAT idea and from now on I am bring sets of clothes for everyone if we are around your son.  And had a laugh.   
   But what she did just makes me wonder.

Yes, what Oley said, made me stop and think, it wouldn't have mattered what I said...she would have found something...it was inevidable...

and yeah, I'd have probably said the same thing under normal circumstances...but...I can't be anywhere near normal around her...

Hey girl, where have you been...I've missed you...and love reading you...

big big hugs