Author Topic: Dilemma  (Read 2000 times)

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« on: September 10, 2011, 12:11:33 AM »

I am new to this forum and not even sure if my problem fits, but in searching for a solution on the internet this forum kept coming up. So I though maybe I could learn from any input.

I have been married for 30 years and have 4 children 27,24, 22, 19. The two eldest are married daughters. My son 20 and daughter 19 still live at home with my husband and I.

I haven't been happy in my marriage in the last 12 years, but persisted for the sake of my children. I have also been involved in an extra marital affair for the past 9 1/2 years with a family friend who is a widower. My eldest daughter has known about this affair for the past 2 years and was happy as long as I was happy.

Just recently my son has suspected something is going on and has been constantly asking my whereabouts and even has been taking photos of where my car is parked etc. He has now informed his father and his other sisters of the situation and they have all said that if I don't get rid of my best friend that they will all totally disown me.

I have only stayed with my husband for the sake of my children and now they are all adults, and I should be able to leave and finally be happy, they are giving me an ultimatum. I know that what I have done is very wrong, but I wouldn't have coped any other way without the emotional support of this best friend.

I am 48 and after being there for my children all their lives, I thought maybe now they were adults I would be able to enjoy the rest of my life, instead of having to remain living with my husband.

Does anyone have any ideas?
« Last Edit: September 13, 2011, 07:12:01 AM by pam1 »

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Dilemma
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2011, 12:55:19 AM »
Hi Confused and Welcome ...

Lots of things to consider here , no wonder you are confused .
If your husband now knows of the situation , what is he saying ? Will he allow you to stay if you give up your ''friend''?
Also will your children forgive you if you decide to stay with him ?
You risk losing all of your family if you decide to leave , can you live with that ?
It's  your choice .
It would be different if you were escaping an abusive marriage , then perhaps they would forgive you .
Nine years is a lot to conceal , I am amazed you have managed it for so long .
It's your life , and only you can know what's best for you .
Will your family come round eventually if you leave ? Can you live without them ?
Now that they know , you will have to make a decision , only you can do that .
good Luck .


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Re: Dilemma
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2011, 08:56:14 AM »
Hi Dilemma-

Well, this is a change of pace!

I'm not one to stay in a bad situation so I think it's ok to leave and get on with your life.     I have a friend who can't stand her husband but has stayed for the child.  Now the child is an adult and she says she is staying so that the child doesn't have to visit a lot of homes at holidays.   Still don't understand that one.

I know there are probably lots of layers to this, but if you are unhappy, I vote to change something.  Where you're headed may have its own set of problems but at least you won't die wondering what life could have been like.

Just my 2¢.


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Re: Dilemma
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2011, 04:41:00 PM »
Firstly thankyou for your advice and support.  :)

In answer to a few questions:
My husband is prepared to stay with me if I give up my friend.
My children will forgive me in time.
It would be a huge loss for me to lose my children.
I don't know if my children would eventually come back if I left, I would like to think so.

I can't see myself staying in a relationship for possibly another 30 years when there is no love. I haven't been physically abused, but I have never felt safe from verbal abuse. I have hidden it all from my children as not to upset them and now I almost wish I hadn't.

I made a mistake in the first post, my son is 22. My husband has told me that my son is going to have a talk to me about it all when he is ready, in other words read me the ultimatum. I find it hard to understand why my husband is putting all this on his son when a relationship is between a man and wife.

Many thanks  :)


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Re: Dilemma
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2011, 06:21:49 PM »
I agree with you - I this is something that you and your husband decide, then you present it to the world and handle what there is to handle.

Offline pam1

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Re: Dilemma
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2011, 07:11:47 AM »
Welcome Confused :)

Sorry, somehow I missed your first posting :(  Please read the Forum Agreement, we ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

I'm going to move your post to a category with more traffic.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Scoop

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Re: Dilemma
« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2011, 07:35:10 AM »
But Confused, of course your children are angry with you, you're cheating on their Dad.  And now that they're adults and are seeing their own share of heartaches, I'm sure it's a bit more personal.

I think that most adults agree that if you're not happy in your marriage, you leave it before you cheat.

You've broken a lot of trust here.   I don't think that staying with your DH (and giving up your lover) will necessarily fix that.  But I do agree that you (& your DH) have to figure out what you're doing and then move forward from there. 


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Re: Dilemma
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2011, 07:57:28 AM »

I also think that before you and your husband decide what to do, you need to discover who you are and what you want, apart from what your husband and BF want.


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Re: Dilemma
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2011, 09:17:51 AM »
Gee really left your marriage 9 1/2 years ago, leaving yourself open for ultimatums now.  You didn't care about making a clean break then and facing the fallout when it could have been easier to weather....instead you "waited" for the sake of your children.  If it was actually for your children that you stayed, you did them a big disservice by having that side of beefcake all these years.  You don't love your husband...get the heck out of the fair about it and release him from having to have to "forgive" your peccadillo.  Your children may forgive you and they may not....even if you stay with their dad.

Bite the bullet, take your lumps, get out of the marriage and try to re-build your relationships with your children.  It will take alot of hard work and hopefully they will come around to forgive you.  For your sake I hope they do.


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Re: Dilemma
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2011, 06:40:19 AM »
One question I had when I read your dilemma is:  Are you going into a marraige or a loving living arrangement with the man you have a long relationship with if you end your current marraige?

I know that divorce is an incredible stress. When I went through mine I was advised not to consider another relationship for at least 5 years. I followed that advice and waited 14 years to begin dating (basically waited until my children had all left home). However,
the fact is that many successful second marraiges happen when people jump right into the next one!

 For instance my DH's mother who was widowed twice began seeing an old friend who was married
with children. He left his wife of over 25 plus years to be with her and they have been fabulously
happy for 20 years now.

So, if you are sure of this man's loving support that could make a lot of difference to your decision
because you would have his support while you go through all of the fall out that may come.
(By the way, most children do come around and in fact usually begin to see the other side of the situation, unfortunately they may also play on that too)  :(

Its nice your hubby is prepared to work things out. He must love you and is dreading life without you
to face the future and his role with the kids.

All the best Conf.


Offline Pooh

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Re: Dilemma
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2011, 11:48:02 AM »
Welcome confused.  I can sympathize with the idea of staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children.  I did the same thing and in the end, I wished I had not.  We think we are doing what's best for our children.  I understand.  I can't sympathize with the affair.  I did not do that and even though I am sure you have your reasons, two wrongs don't make a right.  I agree with the others.  This has nothing to do with your children at this point.  This is about your marriage and you need to resolve that before you can ever even think about repairing the relationships with your children.  You either decide you want your marriage, or you decide you don't.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell