Author Topic: Going to call FMIL today  (Read 2113 times)

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Offline isitme?

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Going to call FMIL today
« on: January 05, 2010, 11:57:42 AM »
Hi ladies,
I am going to call my FMIL today.  This is something my counselor and I have talked about and she is advising me to do it today before my anxiety about it builds up too much.  I'm going to call her on my own and tell BF about it afterwards because I don't want him standing over me telling me what to say.  As a "reason" for calling, I want to ask her for her other son's mailing address - he and his wife are expecting their first baby any day now and I would like to send them flowers when that happens.

My counselor suggested I start off by saying I wanted to touch base and because I was hoping to open up some positive lines of communication... and also to ask for the address in case she didn't want to respond to the first issue.  If things start going wrong then I should get off the phone quickly but politely and discuss it with my BF in as non judgemental way as possible.  I have no idea what her reaction is going to be but I'm supposed to keep the issue of power dynamics in mind as I speak to her.

I know chickiebaby has advised me to wait until we can meet up since we don't know how she will react but I think we're actually in a very critical phase and my counselor is encouraging me to do this now.....so I'm already nervous, but I"m going to give it a shot when I get home from work tonight.  Any other thoughts or advice?

Sassy

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2010, 12:30:49 PM »
Go for it!  "What have you got to lose?"

Stay calm, cool, polite.   Maybe even tape-record your own half of the conversation in the room (taping both ends could well be illegal) so later you can hear yourself, how you sound, how you react.  You may suprise yourself.

What are you risking by calling? I can't think of a risk.

What's the worst that can happen? She gets mad, well she's already mad.

Isitme, if anyone starts verbally berating you, abusing you, accusing you, do politely end the call immediately. Nothing productive is being achieved at that point.   And perhaps write down what she said so you can review it with your counselor later.

Whatever happens, you'll do fine, and you know you're giving it a shot.

liz

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2010, 12:32:13 PM »
Many many ((hugs)) if your counselor is suggesting you do this now, then you need to. Your counselor knows you and the situation. I'm praying it goes well, let us know how it turns out.

Offline isitme?

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2010, 12:33:15 PM »
thanks ladies.... I"ll let you know how it goes..

I was also thinking about recording at least my half of the conversation..... if I can find my voice recorder that's somewhere in my desk I think I will...

wish me luck!

2chickiebaby

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2010, 12:35:13 PM »
Isitme....I'll be thinking about you....all day. In my prayers and with lots of good thoughts.  :)

Offline isitme?

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2010, 03:38:49 PM »
wow, i just called and it actually seemed to go over well!  His mother glossed over the whole "positive communication" thing but they gave me the address I requested and then we had small talk for a few minutes.  hmm... well I'm relieved...

thanks for the support ladies - I was remembering all of you when I called and it helped make me less nervous.   :)

I'm still going to be pretty cautious but at least I know I reached out. 

thanks again to everyone here!!   :-*

2chickiebaby

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2010, 03:42:54 PM »
Oh, I'm so excited!!  So happy, been praying like crazy, Isitme!!  Little steps...wonderful.  I'm so excited, I just can't hide it, da da da...da (sorry, broke out into song)

cremebrulee

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2010, 03:52:49 PM »
isitme.....BRAVO!!!!!!  I am so proud of you, and like Chickie, I'd break out into a song, but fear, I'd cause everyone to get indigestion...

liz

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2010, 07:39:24 PM »
That's wonderful! I hope the relationship only gets better!

mom2

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2010, 07:49:39 PM »
Isitme,

How great is that !! so happy it went well.. you tried..good for you !! :) :)

Offline Barbie

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2010, 05:10:16 AM »
I'm so happy to hear that. I would give anything for my dil to take that first step.

Offline isitme?

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2010, 06:02:55 AM »
thanks ladies - for everything...

I'll be honest and say I still recognize there are a lot of problems but I'm glad I was able to do that and it went over well.  This doesn't mean I expect FMIL to change - but I know I"ve done my part.

guest1, I wish your DIL would do that for you also - because it seems what she would get back would be genuine.  I didn't and still don't expect anything other than superficiality from my future in-laws but you can't change people right?  You can only change the way you react to them - so hopefully I've started reacting to them more positively. 

Sassy

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2010, 06:22:45 AM »
It is great that BF did approach his parents, and let them know how much F-MIL was hurting him by the way she treated you. 

BF improving his own extremely damaged relationship and dysfunctional communication with his mother, was/is the only way you could hope for any improvement in a relationship with her.

That you then took this next step, and it moved a bit more forward is beautiful.  I am impressed, isitme!  Well done.

I hope BF continues on the path of not being part of conversations with F-MIL that slag you.  If he continues to set and maintain a tone of basic respect and civility in his relationship with her, it will carry over into yours-and-hers, and most importantly: yours-and-his.  :-*

You and F-MIL may never be BFFs, but as long as daggers aren't being thrown every time you enter MIL territory, and you feel respected by the regard DH holds you in,  this will be a success.  :)

Offline Barbie

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #13 on: January 06, 2010, 06:52:36 AM »
Isitme, don't expect anything right away but don't lose hope. Sometimes when we first meet someone we make up our minds that we don't like them for whatever reason and after we get to know them we realize what a great person he/she is and by the same token, some people make great first impressions and afterwards we see that they're not so great. The fact that you're doing all this says a lot about you. The other thing you can do when you are around them is to act lovingly towards their son, after all what all mothers want most, their children's happiness.

Offline isitme?

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Re: Going to call FMIL today
« Reply #14 on: January 06, 2010, 07:45:37 AM »
thanks guest1

I'm going to do the best I can and genuinely love my BF - but the sad truth is, his mother isn't as interested in her son's happiness as most of the women on here.  Despite my positive interaction with her this time, she still has a personality disorder and that's never going to change.  That's something he needs to learn to deal with and I think he's working on it with our counselor...