Author Topic: Would Like To Get Your Reactions  (Read 2889 times)

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Victim

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Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« on: January 05, 2010, 09:16:17 AM »
This is what I wrote verbatim in my DILs birthday card of 2009.


Happy Birthday DIL
We are sorry about the late congratulations, we wish you good luck, good health and many happy returns.

The Clock of life is wound but once And no Man has the Power To Tell just when the Hand will stop at Late or Early HOUR. Now is the only Time you Own. LIVE, LOVE, and TOIL with a WILL. PLACE NO FAITH IN TOMORROW. for the CLOCK may then be StILL.

Happy Birthday From:
Your Husbands Mom and Dad

On the next page is a note to my son of the same card, there I write,
Dear Son,

We wish you good LUCK, good Health and many  happy returns. May God be with you. Keep up your strength. Your Family is in my Prayers. Mom.


« Last Edit: February 06, 2010, 02:35:29 AM by Survivor »

cremebrulee

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2010, 10:16:17 AM »
I thought it was beautifully done...there are 2 things I would change...

It is your DIL's birthday, therefore, I wouldn't write anything to your son on Her birthday card...while some would not find fault with what you did, others might and it's her day....not his, therefore, I would have purchased a seperate card and sent it to him...

the other thing is, I wouldn't sign it, your husband's mom and dad, I would sign both your first names....she knows who it's from, but it makes it a bit more personal and loving...yanno....? 

Creme

Offline isitme?

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2010, 10:52:22 AM »
Hmm.. survivior,
I was wondering what message you wanted to send to her - not only by sending the card late but also what you meant by that quote.  Do you think she might have taken it as a lecture?  I also agree with Creme's two points...

cremebrulee

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2010, 11:44:02 AM »
I'm taken aback by your intent...really I am....

I surely hope you never ever do anything like this again....for your own sake...

your son loves his wife, regardless...and he has a right to do with his life as he chooses...and doing and saying things like this is going to hurt so many others, including yourself...

Offline isitme?

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2010, 12:00:50 PM »
survivor,
I'm really proud of you for recognizing this in yourself and trying to change that.  I think you're learning to figure out how to examine your own feelings in order to understand why you treat your DIL the way you do - which is great.  It seems you resent your DIL a great deal... is it only because she has married your son and you feel bad about that?  Is there anything specific about your DIL that you don't like?  What type of person is she?

Good luck figuring this out - I've been really impressed by your openness and willingness to acknowledge your wrongs... I'm still working on that myself!

Sassy

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2010, 12:22:15 PM »
If I had received a card like that I don't think the quote would have scared me, but that I would realize how afraid of mortality the person who sent it was.

You said you wanted to scare her.   I want to ask, did you also hope to share with DIL your own fears, with a possible hope she would reach out and comfort your fears?

If you let yourself dream wild, Survivor, is there a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g your DIL could do for you, to help make you feel happier?  I ask for you, and ask as a DIL who is also resented by her MIL.  (I know you are not her, so please know I do not feel any anger towards you.)

When you beep your son with his wife's number to cause trouble between them, what do you then imagine could happen to help you be happier?  That they would fight, and he would leave her and come back to you? 

Sometimes we do things for short-term reasons (like beeping for revenge) and it gets in the way of our long term goals.

What is your "end goal"? 

Would you want your son and his wife to visit you more, take you places, eat together more often?   Or is them breaking up the only way you can see being happy.

If what you want is to have more love from them, then scaring them, passive aggressive slights, and making them fight probably won't help achieve that goal.  To help stop the behavior, next time you think about doing something, immediiately think about its longer-reaching effects. Think about how your next move might be more self-destructive to you than them, and how it can hurt your own relationships in the long run. 

You might temporarily enjoy the thrill of revenge, but you pay more for it than you bargained, when you stop and realize how it drives your son even further from you, instead of bringing him closer.

What would your dream goals be, Survivor, and maybe the ladies here can help you think about better ways for you to reach them.

just2baccepted

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2010, 01:28:22 PM »
This is what I wrote verbatim in my DILs birthday card of 2009.

The reason that I am posting is because I know I was not healthy and would like to get the opinions of healthy MILs on what I wrote so that I can learn from it, so I can fully admit what I have done. I am writing it here exactly as I did in the card.

I purposely did not call her on the actual date and sent this months after the fact

Happy Birthday DIL
We are sorry about the late congratulations, we wish you good luck, good health and many happy returns.

The Clock of life is wound but once And no Man has the Power To Tell just when the Hand will stop at Late or Early HOUR. Now is the only Time you Own. LIVE, LOVE, and TOIL with a WILL. PLACE NO FAITH IN TOMORROW. for the CLOCK may then be StILL.

Happy Birthday From:
Your Husbands Mom and Dad

On the next page is a note to my son of the same card, there I write,
Dear Son,

We wish you good LUCK, good Health and many  happy returns. May God be with you. Keep up your strength. Your Family is in my Prayers. Mom.

Survivor I have to say this but with the utmost respect for you.  But I'm thinking that maybe something isn't right about your thoughts.  I realize that you know this isn't normal behavior.  Have you tried a counselor?  I don't want to hurt your feelings for saying this but your behavior almost comes off as a little creepy.  And I'm sure that your son and DIL sense this.

You have to understand its very difficult to have a relationship with a person who does odd things like this or tries to tear you down and make you feel bad.

I'm reading a book right now called Attracting Terrific People.  The author just named off several personalities that we should avoid if we want to have happy lives.  Survivor I hate to tell you this but you're certainly falling into one or more of those categories as a personality type to avoid.  My MIL also falls into some of those categories too.  Sometimes the truth is hard to hear but hopefully you're open.  You must want to change otherwise you wouldn't be here.  I'm so sorry.

Offline sadDIL

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2010, 02:06:32 PM »
I'm not writing to cause trouble, but as a DIL I would be very upset by this card. Like other posters have said, I would have first been upset that it came months later and then had a message to son in it as well. Also, don't sign the card "from your husband's mom and dad". If you don't feel comfortable having her call you mom and dad, then just sign it with your names. I would take this as "I only love my son and not you"

I know that my viewpoint may be skewed since I have MIL/FIL issues as well. I do take things to heart and my feelings always get hurt in the process. I wouldn't have even posted about this, but seeing that even MILs see this as possibly hurtful, makes me feel that maybe I am justified (sometimes) in getting upset over things like this.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2010, 02:22:37 PM »
I was reading back on your posts, Survivor...you said you lost your dad during the war.  May I ask, "what war?"

I agree with all the other posters and I know that you know what you're doing.  I am wondering what war your father was in? 
« Last Edit: January 05, 2010, 02:36:56 PM by 2chickiebaby »

Peace

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2010, 02:42:40 PM »
After reading all the posts, this comes to mind:

DO NOT ASK FOR LOVE UNLESS YOU ARE READY TO BE HEALED ENOUGH TO GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE.

DO NOT ASK FOR JOY UNLESS YOU ARE READY TO FEEL AND RELEASE YOUR PAIN, SO YOU CAN FEEL THE JOY.

DO NOT ASK FOR SUCCESS UNLESS YOU ARE READY TO CONQUER THE BEHAVIORS THAT WOULD SABATOGE SUCCESS!

ANONYMOUS

Taking ownership of undesirable behaviors is a major step to recovery.  Wonderful job for your honesty and a willingness for raw honest input!!!  God Bless You!!!!

smlgrammy

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2010, 03:02:19 PM »
Survivor - I think you already know that the things you do to get revenge against your DIL end up causing you more pain & guilt. Making a marriage work these days is hard enough. You need to be the strength he seeks when he needs compassion and understanding. To continue doing these petty little things will only drive him away, and isolate you from him even more. I know you don't want or deserve that. You keep saying that you are not a "nice" MIL, but you give great advice to the rest of us, so your heart is in the right place. Are you unconciously punishing your son for marrying? Think about that and think about how you would like things to be between you and your son's family. Write it down. Have you ever heard of a feeling letter? It can do wonders, and take you from a place of anger and resentment to love and understanding.  If your interested, I'll be happy to walk you through it. there are several steps. Remember, YOU are the only one who can change your behavior. Good luck hon. 

cremebrulee

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #11 on: January 05, 2010, 03:06:37 PM »
Survivor, I had a thought, and I say this with the upmost respect, so please don't feel like I'm trying to hurt your feelings, but when you wrote on one of your last posts...how you just knew this was going to happen...that you would estrange your son from you by your behavior...I'm wondering...and this is no excuse for your behavior...but perhaps could be brought up with your counselor...

It seems like you have very low self esteem...and I'm thinking you don't like yourself very much...by your honesty in admitting these things...I'm wondering while you know these things are wrong...could you possilbly have done this to fulfill your own prophacy?  Maybe deep down in your subconscious...you may have felt your DIL wouldn't love you from the start, so, you sabatoged the relationship before she could reject you? 


Do you think this is a possible part of the problem...that b/c you think badly of yourself, you do negative things, to push people away?

Creme

Orly

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #12 on: January 05, 2010, 03:18:45 PM »
Survivor,

You realize you are doing behaviors that are counter-productive to your goals.  Asking for feed back on them reinforces your awareness of them.  Now the next step, when you think of doing something hurtful or petty,  is drop the phone or pen and step back from the activity,  and reconsider the action you want to take.  Come to this site and ask for advice before you take the step.  Redirect yourself to your friends here and try to get over the hurdle that you are considering.

It is a blockage you are throwing up to slow your own progress.  Developing new patterns of thinking takes time and support.  Do the poll taking before the action and not after you have already completed it.  You may drop what you think is a good action at the time and reconsider a better way to handle your feelings.  Airing a desire you would like to see to fruition, may just be the thing you really want and not the actual action.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #13 on: January 05, 2010, 04:22:16 PM »
I'm sorry for this loss, Survivor....it is very painful. 

RedRose

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Re: Would Like To Get Your Reactions
« Reply #14 on: January 05, 2010, 04:42:47 PM »
I hope counselling helps you.
Just admitting you need help is a big step.
And you are not too old to fix..you are already mending.