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Family Fued

Started by Kinzey, January 04, 2010, 08:48:39 am

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Hey everyone! I need some advice because I'm really not sure what to do.
My mil and dil are in a fued with her brother and sister in law and it has been causing problems with our relationship with them.
To sum up what happend is that my husband and I became very close with his cousin and his cousin's wife. We got engaged around the same time and we planned our weddings about a month a part. Our wedding was in state and their's was out of state. Because our wedding was more local more of his family was able to make it then to theirs because their wedding was a 20 hour drive. The guys' grandmother didn't know if she could make it to their wedding because of the stress of the trip on her health. Well hearing that half of the family couldn't go to their wedding , my husband's uncle (cousin's dad) became very upset. He accused the family of showing favortism to my husband and I and my mother in law fired back. They have been writing hateful emails back and forth and this caused both Thanksgiving and Christmas strained because both parties refused to get together. We have not seen or spoken to the cousin and wife since this started because both sets of parents are extremely hostile and we were told that they were angry with us and vice versa. Well we found out that it wasn't true but it is effecting the entire family. There is another cousin getting married in a few months and we don't want his day ruined either but we are really not sure what to do because all of these relationships are in jepordy. We don't want to anger my husband parents but this is getting ridiculous and we want to repair our relationship with the cousin and aunt and uncle.



Is it possible to invite all involved to your home?
Tell them how you and your husband feel and you want everybody to get along and forget what happened...that you do not want to be the cause of the family breaking up.
Ask them all to show up for the next cousins wedding and be a family again.
It is worth a try.


Maybe if you talked to MIL and FIL and told them that you hate to see the family torn apart by this!!  That would mean a lot to me if son and DIL said that to us.

If you said that you feel torn by it all.  Ask them what you should do?  Maybe they will be better if they know you care for them and the cousins too. 


I'm not sure how the MILs will view this suggestion and whether it makes sense or is the right thing to do in this case... but the feud seems to be between your MIL/FIL and uncle/aunt in-law and not with your cousins - if things are ok with your cousins or if they are not the ones who are angry, is it possible to reach out to them and just try to leave the feud between the elder generation to themselves?  I know sometimes my aunts and uncles have disagreements but my cousins and I don't try to get involved with them - sometimes the fight is about something totally unrelated or is compounded by past issues that were never resolved.  I think chickiebaby's advice to also just tell them you don't like to see the family torn apart might be good but I don't know if asking them what to do would be a solution.  Maybe you could just not let this tear your family apart by staying close with your cousins....it sets an example and if asked why by MIL/FIL, say "I know you were angry about XXX but we don't want to let it affect our family relationships with the cousins."  Do you think that would work?


From a MIL and FIL point of view, Kinzey......sometimes we think we're being betrayed if the DIL and son don't take our side....even if it's screwy.

My thinking is to just say you hate to see the family torn apart and you love them and the cousins too.  My thought about asking them what to do might not work but if you include them in making them think you are on their side....I'm thinking that might make them feel better???  Just a thought.


My  mom has a huge family with 8 siblings. Needless to say there is always feuding, drama between aunts and uncles and with their mom and dad before they passed away. The cousins have always stayed out of it and continued on with relationships and have even rolled our eyes together over some of the ridiculousness of it. If you want to repair the relationships and go to the wedding, then do so and tell both sides that the feud is between them and has nothing to do with you. It's not fair to make other family members chose sides just because they are related to and/or friends with both sides. But if you do repair the relationships inform both sides that you will NOT talk about the other "offended" party no matter what is said or done and that you are prepared to leave if anything bad is said about the other side. I think it took my mom a while before she could accept the fact that I was going to have a relationship with those she had issues with. I understand why she she has issues with certain people and I would probably have the same issues if I were her, but I am not her and I don't have those same issues and I don't think it's fair of her to expect her children to take up her cause and fight her battles. So there's my two cents. Hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here.


I would not get involved with the older folks...I know you mean well Kinsey, but they won't, and in the end, you might find yourself in the middle of something that might become irrepairable...and you'll end up being the bad guy, yanno? 

I know how this must hurt all of you, but they have got to work it out between themselves...

I'm so sorry this has happened to your family...it is a heartbreak...


Liz summed it up almost perfectly.  Reconnect with your cousins and try to duck the flying fire from the elders. 


January 05, 2010, 05:31:58 am #8 Last Edit: January 05, 2010, 06:00:51 am by RedRose
I stand by what I said...if you want peace between everyone...then I would talk to everyone. You DID say it is affecting the whole family. If you care... then show them ALL. I would have a hard time getting along with my cousins if my parents and their parents could not get along. Why keep the family fight going with the parents and make-up just with the cousins. The problem is still there. You don't know that the problem is irrepairable unless you try.


Your  MIL and her brother (DH's uncle) are fighting amongst themselves.   Except for the part where you said you fired something back to Uncle-in-law, I don't see what you, DH or cousins have to do with someone else's fued.  If you did write something nasty to Uncle-in-law and want to apologize to him, then do so.  Other than that, I'd step out of other people's line of fire.

Although the topic of their fued is wedding attendance, that still has nothing to do with you.   You host a wedding, those who want to show, will.  That's not your fault.  They are fighting with each other because of long standing resentments that were going on long before any of this happened. 

No one can tell other adults how to treat each other - they get to decide for themselves. Your MIL gets to choose the anger-filled relationships she wants, even if it causes you stress.  That works both ways.  You should reach out and connect with your cousins, who you've learned aren't mad at you.  They know they planned a wedding 20 hours away.   

You mention that you don't want to anger your husband's parents.  If MIL to actually expects you to shun your cousins or anyone she declares, simply because she is mad at their father, then I am afraid she is going to be disappointed.  Tell MIL you love her, and that you love your cousins too.  And that you don't wish to carry on family fueds with people who you have no problems with.  If she actually becomes irate that you won't have the hate relationships she wants you to have, then share your disaapointment that she is also not having the love relationships you'd wish she'd have.  The difference would be she wants to you to promulgate her hate campaign, and you want to promote connection.   For MIL or Uncle-in- to use your wedding as an excuse to dictate to you who you should also be mad at for no reason whatsoever, is ludicrous and not worth considering indulging.