Oh Luise!
You're so right on this! I've thought this same thing....if the DIL doesn't want a relationship with us, it's not going to happen, no matter what we do or don't do.
The DIL is the cement....she is.
Personal story: I have one DIL (Thank you, God!) who seems to want us in her life. So, in their lives we are. This means that we are free to be with them, talk to her on the phone, hear about the Grandchildren and just be friends.
Through her, I have a relationship with our son...not a personal one like it once was but one that is channeled through her. It's okay with me because it's something at least.
I feel so sorry for our other son! Our family will always have an empty space in it because he can't be what I know he wanted to be. He never knows what she might do.
He loves her and she is a good Mother and I think, a good wife. Personally, I don't know how he could put up with her antics but I comfort myself with the idea that she is what he needs?

We marry the one that fits what we need in another. I remember all the girls he dated and what great people they were. No antics, really fun and the kind you couldn't help but love.
He didn't go for them.
Southern Belle, I should have told you that I agreed with what you said about BridetoBe's MIL. I do understand her plight. But, at the same time, being left by the curbside is too hard to bear, even if we're needy and clingy.