Bridges

[luise.volta]

Hi All,

I am starting to feel that DILs are (or can be) the bridge between mothers and their adult sons. Does that make any sense to anyone? The wife becomes his priority, as well she should, and then she cements his connection to his roots by honoring them.

If she doesn't, or can't, or if we think we are still number one...disaster strikes.

How the heck do we anticipate that and cope with the ones who don't tie us in? And how do they deal with the clinging MILs who won't let go?

There is something so beautiful about an expanded family. Why should it have to be a pipe-dream for so many of us on both sides of the fence? Sad...

Blessings,

Luise

[Prissy]

Oh Luise!
You're so right on this!  I've thought this same thing....if the DIL doesn't want a relationship with us, it's not going to happen, no matter what we do or don't do.

The DIL is the cement....she is.

Personal story: I have one DIL (Thank you, God!) who seems to want us in her life.  So, in their lives we are.  This means that we are free to be with them, talk to her on the phone, hear about the Grandchildren and just be friends.

Through her, I have a relationship with our son...not a personal one like it once was but one that is channeled through her.  It's okay with me because it's something at least.

I feel so sorry for our other son!  Our family will always have an empty space in it because he can't be what I know he wanted to be.  He never knows what she might do.

He loves her and she is a good Mother and I think, a good wife. Personally, I don't know how he could put up with her antics but I comfort myself with the idea that she is what he needs?

We marry the one that fits what we need in another.  I remember all the girls he dated and what great people they were. No antics, really fun and the kind you couldn't help but love.

He didn't go for them. 

Southern Belle, I should have told you that I agreed with what you said about BridetoBe's MIL.  I do understand her plight.  But, at the same time, being left by the curbside is too hard to bear, even if we're needy and clingy.

[Bride2Be]

I would have to disagree Luise.  I think that's putting too much responsibility on us for your relationship with your son.  If a son has a distant relationship with his mother after he gets married that's between him and his mother.  There is no way one person can come in and do anything unless it's allowed, no woman can do that unless you have a weak son who isn't really a man.  Just from my experience, my relationship has endured too much because of my fiance's clinginess to his mother.  I didn't get into my relationship with hopes of having someone elses mother annoy me with 'mother' stuff that they should do with their own daughter.  I am just really fed up with everything right now so excuse me if I seem to be ranting or coming off as a jerk but I'm truly tired of having this woman around.

[Prissy]

I agree with you, BridetoBe...it has to be allowed.  A son doesn't automatically distance himself from his own Mother without allowing it.

If it was demanded of you to distance yourself from your Mother and you were close to her, it would be hard to do.

She must be a real pain in the neck, she must be for you to be thinking of ending the relationship.  I'm sorry about that.

Something I learned a long time ago when I thought after many years that my father deserted us, his own children, because of one of his new wives, it was brought to my attention that no person can make a father or mother not love his/her own children.  People aren't that powerful.  He did it on his own. My bubble was burst. 

I guess in all the progress we've made, the gap between men and women still exists.  It is okay for a woman to tell her Mother anything but not okay for a man.  He is considered a wuss. 

I hope everything turns out okay for you and him. 

[luise.volta]

Well, I like my cement theory...yup, I think the DIL is the glue and I'm going to stick to it!  I don't think she has to carry the whole weight but I think she points the way. Guys are often besotted and want to please their wives...don't you think? 

[Prissy]

Yes, they are besotted, totally-- but so are we.  We wouldn't chase our own Mothers away because of him, though.

[luise.volta]

I do agree that no one "makes" another person do something that is totally against his/her value system. It's just sometimes hard to see that value exposed. My youngest son still dislikes the woman who "broke up" my marriage and I have told him countless times that no one can break up a marriage that is solid.

So where does that put us? No one can turn a son against his family of origin unless he is what....disloyal, weak, disinterested, fearful, distracted? What? Not willing or able to deal with conflict?

[lostone]

I agree with both sides.  The son has to be man enough to stand up to his mother and his wife.  Unfortunately, if he chooses one over the other, blame on the other is going to occur.  I don't mean a man should ever choose his mother over his wife, but if the wife loves her husband she should never make him cut his mother out of "his" life.  I agree some DIL's and MIL's that can't get along should not be forced to be together.  But why does that mean the son has to give up the mother as well?

I raised all my son's to respect all women, to marry for life, and to be loyal, faithful, and honerable.  All of which I am sure played into my DIL falling in love with him.  Unfortunately my DIL saw me as a threat.  I honestly don't know why - maybe I should know, but I don't.  I have tried to talk to them, tried to apologize for any and everything I can think of and even offered to go to counseling to find out what I can do to show them I am willing to look at myself from their point of view in order to see what it is I need to change if I can.  They have not been receptive to any attempt by me to reconcile.  It is like once she came into his life, she was set on a path of destroying our relationship.  I have always gotten along with all of my son's friends, and was close to my son.  But any attempt by him in the beginning to try and work things out would send her into a rage.  He finally choose to do what he had to do to keep the peace, and his marriage in tack.  All the things I brought him up to do.  Shame on her for not respecting that and Shame on me for raising a son that believes he needs to be those things to her!

[Prissy]

AMEN!! and AMEN!!!!!!!

 My regret is raising real gentlemen, but Lostone, how could I not?  These women prey on them; I didn't know that then.

  It breaks my heart and some days I can cope but not on most.  Shame on me.  I feel sorry for me.  Kind of pathetic, isn't it?  I look at myself and feel sorry for the child in me who only wanted a family.  This mutation must have seen that and boy, did she have a field day.

[lostone]

Prissy, I truly understand where you are coming from.  How long has it been?  I do know it gets better.  There is a great article that you may find helpful
http://www.support4change.com/relationships/letgo/book-intro.html

It talks about letting go of our dreams and how we need to greive this loss in order to move on.  I agree, it has felt like a death to me, and yet since he is not dead (thank God) I still have that ever present tiny bit of hope that I often find myself clinging too and continually dissapointed and hurt over.  Allowing myself to grieve the loss of the future I thought I had earned and deserved was very important.  Only by letting go of what could have been allowed me to be open to what may lie ahead.  It is a day to day decision to live my life to the fullest that I try to concentrate on now.  I hope you find that you have a life worth living and deserve to be happy in spite of your son's decision.  It doesn't come naturally for a mother but it is possible.

[Prissy]

Thank you, Lostone!  I will look at this when I can bring myself to do it.  I know it would help me.

We saw them about 2 months ago. He was fine but the DIL was so awful in her manner that it's just not worth it.  She has him convinced that we didn't love him and neither did his brother.

His brother makes things worse because they can't stand her either. That doubles the problem.

I feel so sorry for myself that it just shakes me. I am so sad to bury my son while he's still alive. 

I never wished for anything in the world but a family.  Not money, not anything but a family that I never had.  In walks this mutation and ruined my life.  I've never met anyone like her before.

I've never had anyone dislike me before that I knew of.  Maybe they did but they sure never let me know.  I hate her.  I hate her. God forgive me but I do.  Please God, let this leave me!  This only hurts me.

She refuses to come here and that means we can't see our son.  We can't tolerate going there with all the stomping around and order barking so we're left with only memories. It's like a morgue there.  NOT FAIR!  Not right.

This mutated freakoid was like sugary sweet candy when we met her.  Right after the wedding she did a 360 turnaround and that was the end of the sugar plum. She got him, we were out and her fruitcake, idiot parents who no one can stand gets the goodies, including the grandkids.

I'm mad at our other son for acting like he does in her presence. He should tolerate her just for being his brother's wife.  But we can hardly stand her either.  I'm sick of this!  I'm sick of the bitterness in me.

If anyone can get through this without a breakdown, let me know.  I don't see how you can if you never had a family and this thing, this freak of nature walks in and ruins your life.

I'll read the article and thank you, Lostone. You don't know how much it means to me to have you reach out. 

[luise.volta]

And so again I weep. (This non-weeper.) We are finding understanding and tenderness and empathy here. Not resolution. We can't change things but I think this may be the way to some level of peace. The aloneness, for me, is fading. My elder son hated me and saw me as evil with a great deal of help from his wife and he is also truly dead. Nine years ago June 20th. A stroke caused by sleep apnea.

[SunnyDays09]

Hello everyone! 
  I am just going thru some of the posts and the pain families are dealing with is unreal. 

  It was a shock for me as well when my son decided to ask a woman he dated a few years to marry him, to find she, her mother and her sisters were all quite evil. 
  I felt I tried to reach out to her, to them as a couple.  There was no reason not to. 

But to bring you all up to present day I haven't seen or spoken to those two (or the new child) since the wedding.  It's been a few years.  There is some sadness for they will not speak to my husband or other child as well, which I cannot understand why.
   But, in looking back to the pain, the mean she and her family dished out, walking away from that toxic relationship was good for me.  I wish you all a place of happiness soon. 

[Prissy]

I know what you mean, SunnyDays...so glad you've found peace.  Acting like nothing she does bothers you is so very difficult.

I think, though, it's the only way to deal with DIL's.  They are the most leathal weapons on earth.  (I know all of them aren't, Luise)  I just don't know any who aren't. 

[luise.volta]

We have to find a way to go on. We have to call it as it is and not put our heads in the sand. And we need each other when it gets too hard and we feel alone and overwhelmed. Thank you for your empathy and kindness and I'm so sorry you had all of that to cope with.