Author Topic: Thoughts, Just Venting  (Read 1766 times)

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cremebrulee

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Thoughts, Just Venting
« on: January 02, 2010, 06:20:43 AM »
There were about 8 or 9 kids who came to our home frequently when they were able to drive...both boys and girls...they'd come up on weekends...go sking, then come to our home for dinner...including my son...sometimes they'd come when my son wasn't there...it was such a happy time.  So syncronized and joyful. 

Anyway, to my surprise and happiness, two of them have now started dating.  They brought they're children along yesterday for dinner.  Oh my how they've grown and what polite children they have, all boys.  We sat they're talking and it was like old times again...I found myself wishing, that my son and his wife were here, along with my GD. 

I had to take the dog out for a while and she went along...she told me that her now BF, was so protective of me...and he was so angry with this whole situation...she said he so wanted to talk to my son and chew his royal you know what out.  I said, "No, please tell him that it wouldn't solve anything.  Tell him that while I appreciate his kindness, he has to understand, my son loves his wife dearly, and he doesn't quit know what to do...or how to handle the situation...plus he is in denial...and anything you would say to him, he'd take as berating his wife...and that would not sit well."  She said..."none of us can believe this is happening to you...and that your son is actually believing that your DIL doesn't need help...

I found myself so comfortable with her...I was able to talk and be myself...I wasn't afraid, that anything I might say would be her ticket to attack me and blame me for hurting her...and I told her about saying my GD was a Tomboy and how my DIL took that and twisted it to her ditorted way of using it against me...making my son feel sorry for her...and angry at me...so few words, and yet, unintentionally meant to hurt anyone...my heart was overjoyed, and it is just something that came out...my son said..."MOM, DIL trys her best to make GD a lad and you shouldn't have said that?"  You don't make someone into who they are?????  You allow them to be who they want to be.  She is trying to live out her dreams of beinga model through her daughter?

They even bought me flowers, which is something I usually do when I go to someone's home for dinner, along with a bottle of wine.  My DIL never gave me anythng...not even for watching her child every weekend...you know, a little keepsake from her to me, to say thank you and I care...or even said to me, before then left, thank you for watching GD, we really appreciate it...instead, she dictated to me, that I wasn't allowed to potty train her, and I did things wrong?  She didn't want my GD and I to have fun without her...and she wanted to be there...so she could control where we went together.  If someone is talking to my son, or showing my GD attention, she becomes very hurt...she feels left out and alone I believe?

Anyway, at the end of the night, these two came over to say good bye and theyr'e children all hugged me and said thank you...it was a lovely evening...and I can't help but ponder, about my son, and the life I could be having if he'd have married someone normal...someone caring...I look at all my friends, and see the happiness they experience with they're DIL's and it makes me want what I don't have...a normal relationship with my DIL...and I become so angry and hurt by her...and think about what she has taken away all these years...how could she even live with herself?  Not to mention...my son was never like this...he was always so kind and caring...easy going and knew me better then anyone...I always said, my son loved me unconditionally...

I hate this, and hate what's been taken away from me...and I'm so angry at her...I told my son's friend, my door is never closed to her, but...she will never again treat me like she has in the past.  My friend asked me why I thought she did that...and I said, for many reasons, but b/c all you kids, talked about me so much in front of her...before they were married, and my son talked about me so much...she was insecure...and afraid I wouldn't like her, so she set out to sabotage our relationship...right from that very first visit down there to see them...it also secured his attention to her...she was envious of the love my son had for me...and still is, otherwise, this wouldn't be happening...she is selfish and we spoke of narcississtic behavior...I told her, I don't ever think, I'll be the same again...something is gone from me...so much so, I haven't been able to write poetry in over 3 years...I don't like this cloud that follows me whereever I go...the pain is very difficult at times, along with the rejection from my own son...I told her about how my son and GD called me over Christmas via webcam and that was the first time I saw my GD in 3 years...and to add insult to injury, we were talking and having a good time, and my DIL walks across the kitchen, past the web cam so I could see her, so she could let me know, she hates me and will not come over and say, Merry Christmas Creme...if she did, she fears that might mean, I would come visit them again... be in they're lives, perhaps a little bit...beings they live so far away, little does she know, I would never visit them again...if I'd go down there, I'd get a room somewhere and tour the city...I'd tell my son, I'm there and if he wanted to get together fine...What a mess this all is, and for what? For what?  What does she get out of this?  How can she be so cruel...and why?  Why?  What does she get out of hurting peoples lives?

We agreed that my son, watched his father take this kind of behavior from his step mother, when I allowed him to go live with them, and deems this normal behavior...my DIL and my son's Step mother are so much alike, very jealous, immature, and needs center stage at all times...I told her, if my son would ever come to me, and discuss the issue, the only thing I would tell him is..."You need counseling, long term, to find out what you did in your life, that you feel you and I deserve so lilttle...."  You need to find out why you accepted this as normal...and why you allowed your wife to hurt so many of us? "  "son, what in the world did you do in your life, that you feel we all deserve so little?"

2chickiebaby

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2010, 06:34:57 AM »
Creme, big hugs!!!!!  I think you should go down there.  I do!  When he gets home, go there and tell them you are going.  Get a hotel and ask them to come see you there.  If I am way off base, forgive me but no one should be able to separate you from your son...wife or not!!

See your GDaughter....take a friend with you and go there.  I really think if you take a friend, it will be easier....really, if you took someone you both know (you and DIL?), she wouldn't want that person to see her act like that.  Unless she doesn't know anyone who knows you. 

What do you think?

cremebrulee

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2010, 07:11:59 AM »
Yes, Chickie, my sister always told me that to, thanks, ..she always used to say, if you go back... never ever go again without taking someone along...that way, your DIL will behave herself, but I never listened...

I can't go now, my son is back in Afghanistan.  His tour is over in June, and he is talking about signing up for another 6 months after that. 

And by the way....while my friend and I were talking about this yesterday, I mentioned to her...I wonder if, he went over there to have peace and get away for a while...I know he was driven by money...but...and she said...oh yes he did, even if he doesn't want to admit it to himself or not...she said...(she is in the military) that when she was over there, most men not all, but most were over there to get away from they're wives.  She added, all my sons friends are so shocked at his behavior towards me...and why he is allowing her to do this...

Thanks Chickie for your feedback...perhaps in time I will do that....at least I'd see my GD...


Oh, by the way, this year..when he sent my birthday present and Christmas Card, he didn't sign her name like he always does....I bet, she told him not to...imagine the hate for me, she has stored up inside???????  I can't imagine living like that? 
« Last Edit: January 02, 2010, 07:15:49 AM by cremebrulee »

2chickiebaby

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2010, 07:16:55 AM »
Creme, PLEASE!! Go there with someone and see your son and Gchild in June...or, go within a week of his coming back.  His wife will say something about you interrupting his time with her but PLEASE!  Just one day, an hour or two....any Mother deserves that.

Invite her to come too, over to the hotel where you are staying--- but you know that she won't come.  I wonder if you ask someone you both know to go with you...?  He would be embarrassed to not show up for an hour with someone else seeing what he did.


2chickiebaby

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2010, 07:23:37 AM »
On the hate sites, MILs have been banished for far less than saying your Granddaughter looked like a  tomboy running in the yard.  LORD!!

Far less....the MIL can serve the wrong dish and because she knows very well that DIL doesn't like that dish, she must have done it deliberately and for that, banishment.  The rest of the DILs go along with the poster and reinforce her.  She's toxic!!  Read this book!!  Any little comment or action can take your privileges away forever.  You are not alone, Creme.  Even my friend who lives in another state and has daughters, has friends who have only sons.  They are devastated!!!  They've been thrown out too.  It's pervasive.

Regarding the hate sites and this supposed dish...it is a hypothetical situation.   I am more than certain, however that it has happened a million times.  No reference to anything read there. 
« Last Edit: January 02, 2010, 11:42:38 AM by 2chickiebaby »

Glitterati

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2010, 11:33:53 AM »
On the hate sites, MILs have been banished for far less than saying your Granddaughter looked like a  tomboy running in the yard.  LORD!!

Far less....the MIL can serve the wrong dish and because she knows very well that DIL doesn't like that dish, she must have done it deliberately and for that, banishment.  The rest of the DILs go along with the poster and reinforce her.  She's toxic!!  Read this book!!  Any little comment or action can take your privileges away forever.  You are not alone, Creme.  Even my friend who lives in another state and has daughters, has friends who have only sons.  They are devastated!!!  They've been thrown out too.  It's pervasive.

Chickie...if you're talking about the site I think you are, I'm particularly familiar with it.

The mil didn't get in trouble for serving the "wrong" dish.  The dil was very upset because mil brought over a dish that dil was deathly allergic to.  That had ingredients that had nearly killed her before.  Ingredients that shouldn't even be in the same house with her.  That mil and fil knew about.  That they brought because their son liked it, and that they encouraged their dil to eat--even after she reminded them that it could kill her.


cremebrulee

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2010, 12:52:04 PM »
On the hate sites, MILs have been banished for far less than saying your Granddaughter looked like a  tomboy running in the yard.  LORD!!

Far less....the MIL can serve the wrong dish and because she knows very well that DIL doesn't like that dish, she must have done it deliberately and for that, banishment.  The rest of the DILs go along with the poster and reinforce her.  She's toxic!!  Read this book!!  Any little comment or action can take your privileges away forever.  You are not alone, Creme.  Even my friend who lives in another state and has daughters, has friends who have only sons.  They are devastated!!!  They've been thrown out too.  It's pervasive.

Chickie...if you're talking about the site I think you are, I'm particularly familiar with it.

The mil didn't get in trouble for serving the "wrong" dish.  The dil was very upset because mil brought over a dish that dil was deathly allergic to.  That had ingredients that had nearly killed her before.  Ingredients that shouldn't even be in the same house with her.  That mil and fil knew about.  That they brought because their son liked it, and that they encouraged their dil to eat--even after she reminded them that it could kill her.

Gliterati:  I don't understand you...why is it so important to come into this thread, and prove Chickie wrong?  You don't know what site she is referring to?  You told me in another one of my threads you were a lurker for years but now, all of a sudden you decide to come out of the closet and post on this site & tried to discredit me?  ...doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong here, this was a vent thread, Chickie was venting..and regardless...Chickie may not even be referring to the site you are?  So, what's the point...being right at all cost? 

This site is a site for discussion, support and there is an awful lot of hurt here...I've read some of your other posts and you have given some very good supportive advice...but I really don't believe it's important to contradict what Chickie has stated and believes...she never mentioned a site...and there are certinly an awful lot of hate sites out there...and while you have made a valid point, why is it so necessary to come in here, and defend another site?  Does it really matter? 

The ladies here are not hateful...they are however, frustrated victims of abuse and I'm including a great group of DIL's we have here, who are also , in despair, and hurting sometimes beyond belief...please allow us that...and understand our hearts if you can?  I know it's not easy if you haven't been thru something like this...but please just allow us if you can...and if you have or are experiencing this...then I'm sure, you will understand...
« Last Edit: January 02, 2010, 12:58:05 PM by cremebrulee »

Glitterati

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2010, 01:17:08 PM »
Quote
all of a sudden you decide to come out of the closet and post on this site & tried to discredit me?

Creme...the post wasn't about you, not everything is.  There was no attempt to discredit you.  The post wasn't even directed at you.

I was not referring to the friends and family forum or the mothers of married sons forum when I posted. 

I posted what I posted because it was very similar to a situation on a board that I am very familiar with; a board that I believe Chickie is very familiar with because of some of the things she has posted.

Glitterati

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2010, 01:18:28 PM »

Regarding the hate sites and this supposed dish...it is a hypothetical situation.   I am more than certain, however that it has happened a million times.  No reference to anything read there.

My apologies if it was a hypothetical.

cremebrulee

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2010, 01:37:32 PM »
Quote from: Glitterati

[quote
Creme...the post wasn't about you, not everything is.  There was no attempt to discredit you.  The post wasn't even directed at you.

I understand that...but the thread is a vent thread...and I'm old enough, and mature enough to understand, not everything is about me...I was referring to another thread which you came into...and found it so necessary to say that some of those DIL's on the other forums tried to help me, and yes, you are right, they did...but some found it necessary to tell me, it was now time to stop grieving and get on with it...and when I said, that this is like a death...this loss of my son, I was then told I insulted people who did literally loose they're son...and some were brutal and mocking and intollerent and unkind...that is not the case here...these women are in their own being...caring, mother's who are dealing with a loss...and it is a hurt, that never heals....

Quote
I was not referring to the friends and family forum or the mothers of married sons forum when I posted. 


I don't believe anyone cares what site you were referring to...the point is, this is a site which is finally for MIL's to post they're heartfelt feelings, right or wrong...we are safe here and it doesn't really matter what site Chickie was in, this is not that site...therefore, it doesn't really matter does it...

I'm asking you to please come together with us...not against us...when you post things like that, it scares other MIL's who want to post but fear being corrected or told they are wrong...so whataya say?

Glitterati

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2010, 02:41:32 PM »
I'm asking you to please come together with us...not against us.

Having a differing view point or even sometimes not agreeing is not being "against us".

There are a couple of women on here who really seem to have drawn the short end of the stick as far as dil family relations.  I really feel for them, especially since I think they are being used with one hand and slapped across the face with the other.  There are a couple on here who I understand exactly why their dil are the way they are.

I'm out.  Thanks for a view into the other side.  I understand so much more now.

greeneyes100

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #11 on: January 02, 2010, 03:48:56 PM »
WOW........I dont know what to say.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Thoughts, Just Venting
« Reply #12 on: January 02, 2010, 03:50:46 PM »
I got carried away.  :(