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Quick etiquite question

Started by meanlady, August 25, 2011, 06:33:12 pm

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My son and DIL are expecting in Oct.   They were married in June and I was included in the bridal shower activities.  From what I understand a freind of hers is throwing a baby shower for her and I was lead to believe I would be included in this shower also but now I have my doubts because it is on 9/17 and I have not received an invitation and my emails to her mom have gone without response.   I don't know whether to start planning my own small shower or just let it pass.  I have less then 6 people in my family to invite if I do.  Most the time my son and DIL treat me like I don't matter.   DIL has mocked me before about my son's not paying attention to me etc...     I traveled all the way to Mexico for wedding and they barely spoke to me and my new husband the whole week because we don't fit in with  their drinking habits, which was pretty much my son's only activity.  DIL wasn't drinking though but she still avoids me at every chance.  I just don't know what protocol is?  I was already suckered into helping pay for the baby furniture and I designed and had a homeade quilt made for the baby.   Maybe I need to grow some self respect and let it go at that.   :)


Absolutely. I would step back, take a breath and do something spectacular for you. It sounds like you have done some great things for your grandchild, and it sounds like your son and DIL need to learn to value you. You deserve better.


Thank you!  I needed some validation on this!  It feels very odd To take this step back!


Yup, you paid your dues and then some!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Agreed!  If your DIL is anything like mine, she will give you many other opportunities to give her more presents - more than you ever wanted.   :P


Yes everyone, it is soo true.  This is the beginning of a difficult relationship that will not get better unless you back up.  DIL sounds a bit cruel too, so don't let her see you sweat. Mocking you eh? Hold your head up, you are a great grandmother and probably were a good mom too. 

I made the mistake of giving in to my dil and son, and kept thinking things would get better if I were only patient.  I put up with way too much.  If do-overs were possible, well, I would not have been quite so understanding or needy about seeing my grandchildren.   Sometimes  you just should let go, be kind, polite to them but mostly to yourself.


I don't think you need to throw her another shower.  I don't know if new-moms these days necessarily expect showers.  I know I specifically didn't want one.  Mostly because I knew that if anyone wanted to give me/the baby a gift, they would, even if I didn't have a shower.

I think you've done more than enough.  When the baby is born, you can show up with a little 'something', but more a token than anything else.  Do you have any superstitions?  For us it's good luck to give a baby "hard" money (i.e. coins, not paper).  So a penny bank, with some silver in it is considered a very nice baby gift.

If any of your 6 people ask about a shower, just tell the truth, you haven't heard anything, but you've given DIL xxx & yyy and then give them the address if they want to send a gift too.


I think I would have a little trip planned for the 17th!  That way, if you should get an invitation, you can send your regrets along with a card. 


I agree! Plan something else and no more emails asking!  Since you inquired, it's now on them not you.  You have contributed already and what you are doing is very nice.  Step back and don't plan another shower.  She's having one, and knows you would like to be included so it's in their court.  You did what you could do and I'm with Scoop, give your friends an address to send gifts if they ask.

Pssshhh......"mockery" gets my hackles up!  Hmmmpppfffff.....
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I agree with everyone else, Meanlady.   Do something awesome for yourself!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


I passed on my first gc's baby shower after ydd's attempts to organize one for ods went ignored.  Mil had already made plans for a large one.  Even then, we sucked it up, until we were offered to work the serving line.  Self respect is more than it's cracked to be.   :)


Just very confused because one minute i am in and the next i m out.  The whole thing is causing friction with people on my side of family because some did not get invited to weddimg shower.  I didnt make out invites but i did put there names on list?  I think my new in- laws are toxic!  All of them drink like fish!  They act like a bunch of high schoolers and there is no use trying to make sense of it.  Sadly!  I sent my email 3 days ago and have not gotten response from mil?   I will take a deep breath and walk away from this.  I know i dont have a chance for a normal relationship with gc and its sad because i would make a great gm.  :). I still have a lot of energy!  Guess i need to channel that into something more productive.


There are a lot of neglected little guys out there. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


ML, it looks like the vote is in...and I'm one more who thinks enough is enough. Spend the money on yourself and be elsewhere the day of the shower.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Etiquette dictates that a family member (through blood or marriage) does not host a shower - bridal or baby.  You are off the hook. 

Good Luck.