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How Can You Love Your MIL ?

Started by RedRose, December 30, 2009, 05:10:10 am

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December 30, 2009, 05:10:10 am Last Edit: December 30, 2009, 05:42:07 am by RedRose
I've been reading...

Perhaps these dil's all come from broken homes and are insecure....there are not many bad people in this world...I would hope not...just people unwillingly to accept differences and feel loved.

I think some girls don't want to be loved...they don't know how to accept love. That is why there are soo many monster in laws stories.

If you try to get along with your MIL...It will make and keep your marriage strong and your husband will love you more for your efforts.


I think you're right, RedRose.....they don't know what love is.  Whatever it is to them, is not what it is to us.  Maybe closeness scares them. 


I think so too 2chickiebaby. Could they be jealous of our closeness to our sons? Why? It's a mother's love for their son...different that a son's love for his wife.


I think jealousy is what is behind most of it.  Control is the other thing. 


December 30, 2009, 05:50:12 am #4 Last Edit: December 31, 2009, 06:33:06 am by RedRose
Yes, I know Chickybaby. Control and jealousy.
We just have to try to  get along with each other and sometimes agree to disagree.


I can't understand why anyone would have a problem with us...probably the easiest to get along with people of all.  It's built into their DNA, though.  We're a threat to their control.


Controlling family member(s) NEVER help the primary husband-wife relationship OR the extended family relationships whatsoever. We all know how damaging it can be to all the members of the family.
I am very easy to get along with and all I want is time with my family...especially my grandchildren.


I have 2 of them and they are doozies.  So controlling, so I guess that's what the sons needed.  I feel sorry for me.  It's not as though people don't like me, they do.  The primary ones are threatened by me...little ol me!!

I could understand if I was not liked by people but as far as I know, I am liked.  Easy, easy (too easy) to get along with.  Maybe I'm not assertive and strong enough.

Isitme?  how did your counseling session go?  I really appreciate your input. 


There is another factor that I don't believe anyone touched on...
If these DIL's were raised in a broken home, they as we all agree are insecure...they have no confidence in themselves...and feel as if no one likes them...therefore, rejection to them is the ultimate insult...they hate it, therefore, they feel like we won't like them...they know we love our sons...in a way, they've never been exposed to...they fear us...so they reject us first, before we can reject them...they literally sabotage the relationship...

remember, people don't do things for one reason only, but for many...

does that make sense?


It does, Creme...except one of my DILs was worshipped, adored, crowned Queen by her family.  I don't get how she could be like that.

The other one, who I came in here talking about had a harder life so I can see why I was reacting to her own issues and thinking they were rejection in some cases of me. 


December 30, 2009, 09:14:59 am #10 Last Edit: December 30, 2009, 09:21:11 am by isitme?
Hi Ladies,
I think you all have some interesting thoughts.  From many of your posts, it does sound like many of you have difficult DILs and I can't imagine the pain that causes you.  Their behavior (from what I"ve heard) sounds unacceptable.

The title of this thread is "How can you love your MIL?"  Are you trying to direct this to your difficult DILs?  Or are you trying to figure out how you can love your DIL?  It sounds like most of you have tried to do your best but she just won't let you in - and I agree, people with difficult family histories sometimes find it difficult to form good relationships for various reasons such as insecurity etc...

But how can I love my FMIL?  Many of you have already listened to my difficulties a lot and tried to help me understand them.  The latest development is that in counseling yesterday, I discovered that my BF went home this weekend and confronted his parents about his mom's behavior - and his father also told his mother that her behavior was unacceptable.  So now apparently they have decided to "accept" me - or at least acknowledge the fact that I am with their son and he wants to marry me.  The counselor treated this like it was a HUGE breakthrough on my BF's part for standing up to his parents, and a HUGE deal for his parents to come to terms with this.  Now the problem is with me....I want to believe all of this but part of me feels like I have heard it before.  I"m willing to communicate with them, but I'm still a little bit on my guard because of the way I have been treated in the past.  The counselor agreed that I needed to keep my guard up at first because we're not yet sure if this will lead to real change.

So I'm hoping this is a good thing and am willing to try again but I have to admit I'm a little bit skeptical.  I'm not jealous of the time my BF spends with his family and I never want to control him.  I still think there will always be a problem because that's what his mother wants to do and she will always see me as a threat.  Right now I dont' really expect there to be a huge dramatic change in my FMILs attitude or behavior - I think she was just scared because her husband and son stood up to her for a change so she gave in....  but it feels very superficial.  I have promised to try to spend more time with his family though to see if this is really a change or just some token gesture....but if the sniping and verbal abuse start up again, then I just don't know what I"m going to do.

Right now I feel like I will just be going through the motions but I won't have any REAL love in my heart for this woman because of the way she has treated me.  I can try to be more optimistic about the fact that she will change for the better, but the observations I have made about how she treats EVERYONE around her makes me  cautiously optimistic.... 

So I"m going to do my best and hope for the best but I would like some advice on this question of how I can love my MIL or learn to love her.  Or if it's okay to just pretend for a while to keep the peace.  I feel like you ladies are awesome at loving your DILs despite their bad behavior towards you - sometimes more for the sake of your son and grandchildren but nevertheless, you try to love the best you can.  Is it ok if the love I "feel" isn't really genuine?  Right now I don't even have real respect for my FMIL after all the things she has said and done - I respect that she is my BF's mother...but it's just token respect and nothing feels very sincere right now.  On either side.  Is that okay?  She literally behaves the way some of you describe your DILs...I don't know what her family background is at all though...  but I know they have no real relationship with their extended family.


I think it's great that you go in with skepticism at first.  Go with your guard up...if you don't, you might be in for more hurt.  Make her win your respect. She is the one who will be losing if she doesn't straighten up.

As far as really loving our/my DILs?  I do and have wanted to love them so much!  I want to adore them and love them but I know that I will never really mean that much to them.  DDIL was very nice to me this time but I was very loving and open hearted to her.  I am not going to be on guard anymore with her.  I can see that she is who she is and what she says is not meant to hurl insults at me but they are said because of her issues at the moment.

I do think that you feel something that doesn't seem right to you and you are right on to be guarded for right now.  She wants to love you, unless she's a total nut.  If she's a total nut then her insults are little demonic people in her own head.


Thanks..  I think it's reassuring for me to hear that it's ok to still have my guard up.  Our counselor told me that if I felt I was attacked over my pessimism to not worry about it and we could talk about it next week.  I didn't really feel attacked but my negative reaction does make me realize I need to do some additional thinking on this issue...


I envy your DILs who have MILs who WANT to love them.  I don't think my FMIL knows how to love.  I think she only knows how to control.  Like I said, I am willing to hope for the best but I don't want to be a sucker.  Too  many people have already advised me that this is the type of person that won't change.  But I feel like my BF and the counselor are very quick to jump on the "they've changed!" bandwagon....  but maybe they are just trying to be optimistic and that's what I need to do.....but with my guard up...


Most everyone deserves a new start....I think if you go in and keep your guard up and make her win your love, it will work.  People's basic insides don't change but sometimes their reaction to you/me does change.