Author Topic: MIL makes me regret trying  (Read 9368 times)

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Bride2Be

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MIL makes me regret trying
« on: December 18, 2009, 04:47:47 PM »
At my wedding reception, my MIL decides that it is a good idea to say to my sister and cousin, 'You know 'Bride' doesn't like me. Do you like my son?'. I'm not sure how to feel about this.  My sister told me this about two weeks after the wedding.  I wasn't mad, more so offended than anything.  I couldn't believe she chose my wedding day of all days to say that.  I know she was trying to bait my family into asking her why I don't like her, but my sister caught on quickly, changed the subject and walked away.  I just told my husband today and he seemed a little peeved at what she said.  I think it was such an inappropriate time and place to say such things.  Especially after she came to my house the morning the wedding, helped with decor, we took shots together with my maid of honor, we hugged, she gave me a nice card, I gave her a rose during the ceremony, and sat and talked with her a few times through out the evening...WHEW!!  All of that only to go to my family and proclaim that I don't like her, which isn't necessarily true, and on my wedding day.  She won't ask me what she did for me to have kept my distance for so long because she will just pretend she has no clue what so ever.   How do you handle someone like that?? Someone who says anything regardless of the time or place and then acts oblivious to the hurt that their words caused??  She has no discretion and I'm trying hard not to be angry, I'm just perplexed now.  How do I make her understand that I don't dislike her, but I dislike how she talks to me, some of the things she mentions (like mine and my husbands intimate moments) and the fact that she can never see the err in her way? 

Thanks for letting me vent...

cremebrulee

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2009, 05:31:31 PM »
maybe you shouldn't try so hard...just let it go...apparently she's in grave need of a huge amount of attention, and if she can't get it, she will make a negative move to accomplish it?  Just my guess? 
If she brings up anything personal, I would simply say, we're not going to discuss such a personal issue...

I'm so sorry you've had to experience this...it amazes me, how many truly dysfunctional, jealous and self imposed people are out there...and women can be brutal....

be in good karma with your husband...and don't allow her to ruin you...hurt you or make you feel beneath her..b/c that is why she's doing it...a bully has to put others down tomake themselves feel good...

and vent anytime...


hugs Creme

Offline isitme?

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2009, 08:16:40 AM »
I know she was trying to bait my family into asking her why I don't like her, but my sister caught on quickly, changed the subject and walked away.   

She won't ask me what she did for me to have kept my distance for so long because she will just pretend she has no clue what so ever.   How do you handle someone like that?? Someone who says anything regardless of the time or place and then acts oblivious to the hurt that their words caused?? 

Bride2be, I have noticed your MIL sounds a lot like my FMIL.  I think the way to handle someone like this is the way your sister handled it - don't let her bait you, change the subject and walk away.  I've come to learn that you cannot reason with people like this - the only thing you can do is not engage with their bad behavior. 

Cremebrulee's advice is dead on.  I think we have to learn to not let people like this hurt us.  Sometimes it's easier to ignore their actions if you just remember that they are the ones with the problem. 

From all your posts, I think it sounds like you have really tried your best with this woman.  Certainly more than I have tried with my FMIL I think!  Take comfort in that fact.  You HAVE taken the high road and done your best.  What she did at your wedding was completely inappropriate but it sounds like everyone else tried to handle it as gracefully as possible. 

Honestly, I also think you should stop trying so hard.  Maybe the only way to maintain a relationship with this woman is to maintain a distant relationship.  Right now I feel like that's the only thing I could do with my FMIL and it sounds to me like that might be the best thing for you too.  I don't think these women will change and as long as the people around you - especially your husband and family - support you, maybe it's just best to have as little to do with them as possible because they are just going to act badly and abuse you forever.  I don't know if it's the right thing to do though.  MILs, what do you think of that policy? 

cremebrulee

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2009, 08:58:33 AM »
 
Quote
MILs, what do you think of that policy?


I think it's a very real and sensible way to look at it...I mean, look at all our inlaws...each and everyone of them run along the same pattern...they're very angry and no matter what you do or say, it's going to be wrong...therefore, it's all we have left to do, yanno?

I agree with every word you wrote, especially the part where she has really given it her all...

Bride2Be

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2009, 06:39:35 AM »
Thanks ladies!

Think you all made good points.  I'm not going out of my way to be nice for her but for my husband.  He's kinda getting tired of her loose lips too, but he's had to endure that much longer than I have.  So he's better equipped for that situation so I just let go and ignore her. 

She's still invited to Christmas Eve and whatever else....I just have to take long deep breathes and meditate before she comes by, lol.

Once again, thanks for letting me vent...

cremebrulee

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2009, 07:59:05 AM »
Good Luck, and no matter what she says, just laugh it off...don't react or get really angry and start yelling at hubby after she leaves..b/c you know men, they're never going to say the right thing...and yanno, I just thought of something, whose to say, that these MIL's and DIL's who do this, might be doing this just to stir up trouble, yanno?  Remember, she is putting him in the middle, which men loath...just make certain, you don't do the same thing....your husband should by all means see what is going on...so, hang in there tough, and just think of it as one night...and know that are thoughts are with you.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2009, 08:02:03 AM by cremebrulee »

2chickiebaby

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2009, 12:24:15 PM »
I just want to say this...being ignored, as a Mother, is one of the cruelest forms of abuse.  Laughed at, even on the inside is very hurtful. 

Whatever we do as a MIL, unless we're totally crazy, is not meant to hurt anyone.  If we're not wanted, the best way to treat us is to stay away from us. 

Glitterati

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2009, 01:15:07 PM »
I just want to say this...being ignored, as a Mother, is one of the cruelest forms of abuse.  Laughed at, even on the inside is very hurtful. 

Whatever we do as a MIL, unless we're totally crazy, is not meant to hurt anyone.  If we're not wanted, the best way to treat us is to stay away from us.

You wouldn't consider someone staying away from you ignoring you?  I'm asking in all seriousness.  No stabbiness involved.  To me it would be easy to see the two things, ignoring and avoiding, as the same thing.

"Whatever we do...is not meant to hurt anyone"  That's an interesting statement.  I ask in all seriousness...should we give every person in our lives the same considerations?  Sometimes people do hurtful things (I am not talking about you, or anyone here, or even the whole mil/dil thing) and even if they didn't do it with malice, it doesn't excuse it.

Offline isitme?

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2009, 07:24:17 PM »
Whatever we do as a MIL, unless we're totally crazy, is not meant to hurt anyone.

2chickiebaby, I think the problem is our MILs ARE totally crazy.  They ARE trying to hurt us.  In the way that maybe your DIL (sounds to me) is totally crazy.  The question is, what are we supposed to do?  If my FMIL would just act like a rational person, I would have been happy to have a relationship.  Now I dont' want anything to do with her.  The point about not trying to drag her poor son into it is well taken.  But what are we supposed to do about MIL?  How can we ignore someone who is such a big part of our partner's life?  Marriedchick09 (new name?) has a good strategy but what do we do when these women start abusing us or behaving like they did at marriedchick's wedding?  just shrug and walk away?

2chickiebaby

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #9 on: December 20, 2009, 07:37:50 PM »
I imagine that there really are some crazy MILs out there.  I have not met one, though.  I'm sure that's yours and some of the others are crazy.

I just don't understand how all these women can raise kids to be responsible adults and every one of them are sons (males).  Mothers of sons are not liked by the sons' wives.  They just aren't. 

Mothers of Daughters are loved.  Always.  Why is that? 

Glitterati

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #10 on: December 20, 2009, 08:16:09 PM »
I imagine that there really are some crazy MILs out there.  I have not met one, though.  I'm sure that's yours and some of the others are crazy.

I just don't understand how all these women can raise kids to be responsible adults and every one of them are sons (males).  Mothers of sons are not liked by the sons' wives.  They just aren't. 

Mothers of Daughters are loved.  Always.  Why is that?
Chickie...for a very long time I loved my mil...I thought I had lucked out.

Bride2Be

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2009, 04:41:29 AM »
Isitme and Glitterati...I agree.  What are you supposed to do??  Sit back and keep saying "Oh well, she never wanted to hurt me so I'll just continue to listen to her hurtful words."  Not a chance.  I wouldn't even let my own mother say such things to me so I definitely won't let anyone else.  I figure if my husband's mother doesn't want to be ignored, she would try to figure what she can do to stop me from ignoring her.  I can't coddle a grown woman because she has no clue that she says ridiculous things. 

2chickiebaby, where are you coming from with your statement?  Did you read anything I said?  Can you not see that I'm trying to get along with this woman?  Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound like my husband's mother and I can see what the problem might be for your DIL.  Long story short....you confuse me.  Here I am, a DIL that is trying and you still find a way to make it "not good enough".  You tell me how I should handle her if ignoring her rude comments and laughing on the inside is so cruel.  I guess my husband's mother saying what she said at my wedding should be excused as a statement a loving mother would say??  Not a chance.  I really hope you find peace and I'm not going to let you get to me either...I'm sure I'm just another 'cruel' DIL to you, huh?

But seriously, I hope all of us MIL/DILs can find peace with our situation, it's not easy dealing with someone who wants respect in certain way but can't seem to give it as asked.  What do you do with someone who is so sure it's you that they can't for the life of them see the err in their own ways?  How do you deal with someone who is so sure they are perfectly right in everything they say and do and blame you when you do not respond the way they want??

RedRose

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #12 on: December 21, 2009, 05:16:25 AM »
For a long time I loved my dil...I still do...but only because she is my son's wife and the mother of my grandchildren.
I  respect her because she is my dil...no matter what she says...no matter what she does...no matter how much I don't like it.
If I don't I may not ever see my son or grandchildren.

My son should demand that his wife treat his Mother the same way...if only because...I am his Mother....and he loves me too.

2chickiebaby

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #13 on: December 21, 2009, 05:23:55 AM »
Dear Red Rose,
I adored my DIL, just adored her.  She has nothing to lose being like she is.  We have everything to lose.  Grandparenting, our sons....and a family.  I think mine is an excellent Mother. 

RedRose

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Re: MIL makes me regret trying
« Reply #14 on: December 21, 2009, 05:40:39 AM »
2Chickiebaby,

So is mine...an excellent mother to my grandchildren...
But...if my son, myself, or anyone disagrees with something she has said or done, all hell breaks loose...she has a horrible temper. She is right all the time....but then she'll say I think I am always right. She'll threaten me with I'll never see my grandchildren. She'll scream at her husband (my son) if he tries to disagree with her. I'd rather go for a walk than be near her...but, I respect her...she is my son's wife and the mother of my grandchildren.