Author Topic: New Thread for 2Chickiebaby  (Read 1617 times)

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cremebrulee

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New Thread for 2Chickiebaby
« on: December 16, 2009, 07:54:46 AM »
Thought I'd start this new thread for Chickie, maybe together we can rationalize and make some sense of this all....

Her question was this....

I think that's what hurts so bad, Creme.  We try but they don't.  Deliberately trying to drive us away, why?  To make themselves supreme in their husband's eyes.

I'm telling ya, when all is said and done, the bitterness that will happen to that man when he realizes he allowed a young woman, just for 'control' to hurt his own Mother, will be bad.

I wouldn't want to be married to him if I did such a thing.  First of all, if DH asked me to please just speak to her, say hello, be nice.  For Heaven sake!  is that all?  I think I can muster up the whatever to do those things. That is if I loved my husband and did not, just for control's sake, want her out of his life.

Why is it always his Mother that she has to drive away?  What's up with that?  I think there needs to be a new topic just for that question.


I'll start....

Chickie, as I stated before, I don't believe people do things for one reason, but for many....

Here are some of my thoughts on this topic....

1.  DIL could not understand the love your son felt for you...in the beginning, when they first got together, dating, he probably spoke about you a lot to her...of course, she didn't dare allow her jealousy to show, but, she was probably intimidated by his stories, worried if she could ever live up to you as far as being a wife.

2.  These DIL's do not understand, that they're husbands love them more then us in a different way...they are way to selfish and insecure to allow that love to flourish through her...and her biggest mistake is, that, she is missing out on so much.

3.  I know so many DIL's who adore they're MIL's....and get along so well together...but the difference is, they are mature, confident, intellectual, and were raised in a family atmosphere, and understand the importance of family...DIL's who try to estrage they're husbands from their families, were not...they were raised in a very dysfunctional family.  And you cannot give what you've never known.

4.  DIL's fear they're husband's love for they're mothers...I've heard some very nasty DIL's refer to they're husband's as Mama's boys...just b/c they're husbands want to spend some quality time with they're mothers...they are jealous of that, b/c they need a huge amount of attention and are jealous of any attention your son gives to you...I've seen it in my DIL...she literally hangs on my son when I'm around....she hates it when he is just having a simple conversation with me...and it's not that we leave her out...but b/c the attention isn't centered around her, she feels rejected, so she gets up and walks out, therefore, it brings the attention back to her...

5.  The one thing that we as MIL's must understand, I think, is, that DIL's who act like this, are people who were raised in very dysfunctional homes...they were not as lucky as we were to have a close family and realize the importance of family...and, the biggest thing you must remember is, a person cannot give, what, they've never known.

So these are just some reasons why Chickie...it's not us, it's them....

anyone else have anything else to offer, please do....

and yes, Chickie, I've thought the very same thing about my own son...and how I would feel if I had allowed my husband to treat my mother like this...yanno, she has been very cruel to my own mother, who is now gone...and nothing seems to even embarrass her or him....someday, yes, I fear our son's will bear the guilt of what they have done...

« Last Edit: December 16, 2009, 08:15:26 AM by cremebrulee »

2chickiebaby

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Re: New Thread for 2Chickiebaby
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2009, 08:18:32 AM »
This makes so much sense.  Thank you....making sense of the senseless these days is great to me.  I know how much the sons loved us and how we loved them.  Gosh, even when the DIL did what she did (too horrible to put on here) when I accidentally poured the wrong drink in her glass, I still forgave her.

I think forgiveness, because it's for us, is very important. I think she wanted and expected us to accept her just as she was.  We sure did try. 

I guess I shouldn't care about the way CDIL treats her, it's none of my business but I have problems...shoot me.

cremebrulee

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Re: New Thread for 2Chickiebaby
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2009, 08:23:40 AM »
This makes so much sense.  Thank you....making sense of the senseless these days is great to me.  I know how much the sons loved us and how we loved them.  Gosh, even when the DIL did what she did (too horrible to put on here) when I accidentally poured the wrong drink in her glass, I still forgave her.

I think forgiveness, because it's for us, is very important. I think she wanted and expected us to accept her just as she was.  We sure did try. 

I guess I shouldn't care about the way CDIL treats her, it's none of my business but I have problems...shoot me.

or chickie, is it possible, she sabotaged the relationship before you could reject her?  One thing Narcissistic people fear the most is rejection...so, in my DIL's eyes...I'm thinking she felt right from the start that I wouldn't like her...I remember when my son would initiate get togethers, the 3 of us...she seemed so withdrawn and wouldn't talk very much, (this was when they were dating).   Not to me anyway...I really do think, my son's friends talking about me, scared her big time...and she hated me, b/c she feared she couldn't live up to my son's expecations of her (though he didn't have any, in her own mind, she feared he did) ...and she feared the admiration my son had for me, not to mention his friends, therefore, she decided to start right from the get go, driving a wedge between us...

I remember seeing her sit there sometimes, not participating in conversations, and she'd stare off into space...almost like she was putting herself in an out of body trance.

and I know Our son's see it and know the truth, but allow it, make excuses for it, b/c they want to keep peace.  A male friend of mine told me, if she was happy, then I could sleep at night...men cannot stand fighting with they're wives and many of them fear they're wives b/c of that.
« Last Edit: December 16, 2009, 10:42:51 AM by cremebrulee »