So Discouraging

[2chickiebaby]

So important for me to clear up the situation with our DIL(s) and us.  Our situation has ZERO to do with a co-dependency on our parts.  We know that we are not owed anything from our grown sons.  I might be "co-dependent" if that includes addicted to being treated right but nothing else.

However, we are owed courtesy and respect from their wives when they are in our homes and when we are in theirs.  We are his parents and we did a good job at their upbringing.  I am very proud of both of them.  We are to be honored, though.  Not worshipped but honored.  Just as the couple is to leave their Mother and Father, his parents are to be honored.   

This is not a tug of war between the DILs and me/DH.  We were beyond thrilled to have a daughter in law in our lives.  The treatment of both of them by us was more than good, it was great.  We loved them both with all our hearts.

As their lives progressed, one DIL in particular, fell into a rage for some reason.  Most people would have booted her out of their lives right then.  She turned on a dime against us at their wedding and tried to turn the other DIL against us, according to the other DIL.

This was the shock of our lives and it was devastating to our son.  Nothing could make her treat us well, nothing.  Not gifts, not babysitting, not cards, not spoken words, nothing.

We don't deserve this.  Not one bad treatment.  It is unfortunate when parents are treated like this by their own son's wives.  It's horrible and can devastate your life. 

[Sassy]

I am having the worst time of my life right now.  I don't belong anywhere.  I'm so afraid.  DILs, both of them, are so controlling.  CDIL is in her own right, just being so cold to DDIL. It kills me.

Now, DDIL is through, no reaching her. Even after all she's done to us, I guess I don't blame her.  She wanted to be friends with CDIL so much.  CDIL wooed her into her web and acts so cold when she gets her in.  DDIL was trying to make them both against us/me. She never got to do that. 

It's just so weird how on a dime things can change a bit....got an email from CDIL about us all going to see DDIL and son and kids after Christmas.  I am so glad CDIL is making DDIL on her 'to do' list.  I hope she's nice to her and I feel relieved that we are going to see them.  I hope DDIL doesnt' stomp around while we're there either. 

I am in a constant state of "where do I belong?"  I guess nowhere.  I'm ending up just like the same little girl not knowing where I was going to live as a child.

I understand that your past makes it seem when CDIL and DDIL are not getting along with each other, that you are threatened by it. Of course intellectually you know DDIL and CDIL are not your parents, but their discord is experienced similar to the way a parents' fight affects a young child.  That the home will be broken.  When that is not entirely accurate for this situation.

My wish for you is you do learn to appreciate your relationship with CDIL for the way she treats you.  She calls you every day, and makes efforts with you that I know you appreciate.  That she does not treat those she feels have not earned that level of trust and respect from her (DDIL), the same as those she does (you),  is not your fault or in your control.  You can let it go.

At the risk of repeating myself, and others that have written along the same lines, there is simply not a place for you between CDIL and DDIL.  That is a relationship they have to have between themselves, for themselves.  They own the good in it, they own the bad in it. 

You are sensitive to the hurt of others, and your empathy is a gift.  But don't be misled, because that which you think each woman must be feeling, and so feel on her behalf along with her, is probably not even accurate.  In my opinion, they each probably both experience far more frustration and disappointment in terms of losing power-struggles, than actually hurt feelings or estranged affections.  Of course I don't know their true feelings, but I don't think anyone (including you, as a witness to their displays) can possibly know another woman's true inner feelings.  (Though I suspect my power-struggles-between-themselves interpretation isn't too far off).

What is observed as CDIL's "coldness", is probably at least half self-protection.  And perhaps vice versa.  They each handle their relationship with the other the way they need to, and it has little or nothing to do with you.

The less you triangulate with the two of them,  the more relief I think you'll find.  The less you participate in conversations about one DIL with the other DIL, the smoother your own relationships with each will be.  They are grown, independant women, and they are very capable of choosing the relationships they want, on the level they want. And so are you!  Accept them as grown independant women who are free to do that, and breathe the sigh of a weight lifted.  Yes family relationships are interwoven, but for you to carry someone else's weight does not help them, and it does not help you. 

I worry you cheat yourself out of the good relationships you do have, perhaps by imparting the expectations or wishes you have for yourself, onto others.  Its not fair to CDIL, DDIL or most importantly, to 2chickiebaby!  You deserve to enjoy what you do have without feeling responsible for the feelings of those in their own relationships with the same people you are.

[2chickiebaby]

I appreciate your reply, Sassy and I will look this over.  I'm sure there are huge issues for me in this area.  It is hard for me, as you can see, to see people hurting someone else.

It can be called co-dependency or just plain being sensitive to others, I don't know..but it is hard for me.

I do think there is some merit in learning a different way of looking at things.  I guess I'm the Butterfly Effect, not flourishing, though, in the midst of muck. 

[just2baccepted]

Wow Sassy, I don't know what to say.  You sound very wise about co-dependency.  Thanks for all that info.

[luise.volta]

I think this thread has gotten a long way away from our intent. I ask again that the right upper corner of the Home Page be re-read.

This Web-forum is not about diagnosing each other. It is not about bold type or capital letters. It is about caring an sharing. There are places on the Web where such posts are the order of the day. Not here.

If you don't understand or agree with what another person is sharing, pass on that post. There will be others who will give the needed support.

No one has to like every post or everyone posting. I'm not asking for that. Please just re-read what it is that I am asking for and if it doesn't appeal to you...move on to where your criticism will be welcomed and appreciated. It isn't here.

This is my site. It was expensive to create and it is expensive to maintain. I get to call the shots.

[Sassy]

Luise,

Absolutely this is your website.   I did find this topic that was brought up to be interesting, and I answered with my full support.  I was told my reply was appreciated by the Original Poster, so I expanded on the topic.  Another poster also seemed to find value in it.   After reading your post, I edited and removed the bolding in my first reply, and removed subsequent replies.  I trust that any additional editing or deleting you see fit, will be handled by you or your son.

Thank you.

[cremebrulee]

So important for me to clear up the situation with our DIL(s) and us.  Our situation has ZERO to do with a co-dependency on our parts.  We know that we are not owed anything from our grown sons.  I might be "co-dependent" if that includes addicted to being treated right but nothing else.

However, we are owed courtesy and respect from their wives when they are in our homes and when we are in theirs.  We are his parents and we did a good job at their upbringing.  I am very proud of both of them.  We are to be honored, though.  Not worshipped but honored.  Just as the couple is to leave their Mother and Father, his parents are to be honored.   

This is not a tug of war between the DILs and me/DH.  We were beyond thrilled to have a daughter in law in our lives.  The treatment of both of them by us was more than good, it was great.  We loved them both with all our hearts.

As their lives progressed, one DIL in particular, fell into a rage for some reason.  Most people would have booted her out of their lives right then.  She turned on a dime against us at their wedding and tried to turn the other DIL against us, according to the other DIL.

This was the shock of our lives and it was devastating to our son.  Nothing could make her treat us well, nothing.  Not gifts, not babysitting, not cards, not spoken words, nothing.

We don't deserve this.  Not one bad treatment.  It is unfortunate when parents are treated like this by their own son's wives.  It's horrible and can devastate your life.

yanno chickie, I believe no matter what, most of us mom's would be thrilled to death to have this all end and have a normal working relationship with your DIL's.  But we do get angry and frustrated...b/c it hurts...and we say things about them we don't mean....actually, I gotta tell ya...my son's financial difficulty if any, is none of my business...but I become very angry, b/c he feels he needs to put his life on the line, and go to work in Afghanistan, to make more money, b/c she won't work...and they're daughter is in school all day....but she wants to continue to spend spend and spend some more, so it really upsets me, that she refuses to look for a good job with benefits like most mothers do once they're kids go to school.  And I'm sorry and angry that I feel this way, but what if something happens to him?  Yes he's making big money, but is it really worth it? 

If it were me, and my husband, I'd be telling him, no your not going, even if I had to work two jobs to keep him home...but she doesn't see to care, as long as the money is coming in...so b/c she continues to reject me, it makes every situation all the more worse...

and yes, it is life changing and horrible....everyone, including us, wants to be liked....you may have differences of opinions, you may not like each other, but why can't we simply respect each other and get along...why?  Why is that so difficult...

In my experience, for cryin out loud, they live out of state, how much did we even see each other?  Not much...but she is so bound and determined to drive a wedge between us, even so...

I mean, I could put up with her twice a year or once a year if need be...and ignore her moods and acting out...if she could me? 

[2chickiebaby]

I think that's what hurts so bad, Creme.  We try but they don't.  Deliberately trying to drive us away, why?  To make themselves supreme in their husband's eyes.

I'm telling ya, when all is said and done, the bitterness that will happen to that man when he realizes he allowed a young woman, just for 'control' to hurt his own Mother, will be bad.

I wouldn't want to be married to him if I did such a thing.  First of all, if DH asked me to please just speak to her, say hello, be nice.  For Heaven sake!  is that all?  I think I can muster up the whatever to do those things. That is if I loved my husband and did not, just for control's sake, want her out of his life.

Why is it always his Mother that she has to drive away?  What's up with that?  I think there needs to be a new topic just for that question.

[isitme?]

cremebrulee - that's horrible that your son feels like he has to risk his life in afghanistan to satisfy his wife's material desires.  I pray for his safety.

it's VERY impressive that you are able to keep out of this - and really speaks to the insight and wisdom that you have shown on this forum. 

I was at dinner with my BF's brother and SIL several months ago and part of the conversation revolved around her angrily telling him that if she had to move more than a 40 minute commute from her job, than he HAD to hire her a car and driver so he had better make enough money.  Once my BF commented that he was glad he hadn't married a woman like his SIL because he would have always felt like he had to earn a lot of money for her maintenance.... but that he felt like he could go into academics and live his life the way he wanted because he was with me who didn't require a lot of material things and luxury.  At times, I worried if this meant he thought I was cheap, but all in all (and especially after reading your story Creme), it makes me happy to know that.

[cremebrulee]

cremebrulee -

it's VERY impressive that you are able to keep out of this - and really speaks to the insight and wisdom that you have shown on this forum.

But, here's the thing, it's not impressive...these things that are going on in they're lives are none of my business...and I feel so bad bringing it up, and I'm so mad at her, b/c she feels like he must take care of her every need.  It's this sense of entitlement she has...like it's his JOB?  I don't get that...and if something happens to him, God forbid, I fear that I would hate her...really hate her....b/c she does nothing to help him out...and yanno, it's not even the part about her not working so much, as it is the part that she is so expensive for him to keep.  Why did she marry him, if she wanted to live a hollywood lifestyle?  Because he's a nice guy and he wants to make her happy and I believe she preys on that...uses that...?  I don't know what else to think....but I feel absolutely horrible about this whole thing...and when he goes back to Afghanistan (he's now on a break) I can't sleep at night, and when I hear about people (civilians) getting killed, they're talking about American Contractors...I work with and have worked with career women my entire life...and I just cannot believe her concept...she doesn't care, as long as he's providing for her???   

I was at dinner with my BF's brother and SIL several months ago and part of the conversation revolved around her angrily telling him that if she had to move more than a 40 minute commute from her job, than he HAD to hire her a car and driver so he had better make enough money.  Once my BF commented that he was glad he hadn't married a woman like his SIL because he would have always felt like he had to earn a lot of money for her maintenance.... but that he felt like he could go into academics and live his life the way he wanted because he was with me who didn't require a lot of material things and luxury.  At times, I worried if this meant he thought I was cheap, but all in all (and especially after reading your story Creme), it makes me happy to know that.

I'm so glad you have gotten some kind of understanding from my experiences...that's what it's all about, sharing and learning from the experiences of others on here...

thank you.