I am having the worst time of my life right now. I don't belong anywhere. I'm so afraid. DILs, both of them, are so controlling. CDIL is in her own right, just being so cold to DDIL. It kills me.
Now, DDIL is through, no reaching her. Even after all she's done to us, I guess I don't blame her. She wanted to be friends with CDIL so much. CDIL wooed her into her web and acts so cold when she gets her in. DDIL was trying to make them both against us/me. She never got to do that.
It's just so weird how on a dime things can change a bit....got an email from CDIL about us all going to see DDIL and son and kids after Christmas. I am so glad CDIL is making DDIL on her 'to do' list. I hope she's nice to her and I feel relieved that we are going to see them. I hope DDIL doesnt' stomp around while we're there either.
I am in a constant state of "where do I belong?" I guess nowhere. I'm ending up just like the same little girl not knowing where I was going to live as a child.
I understand that your past makes it seem when CDIL and DDIL are not getting along with each other, that you are threatened by it. Of course intellectually you know DDIL and CDIL are not your parents, but their discord is experienced similar to the way a parents' fight affects a young child. That the home will be broken. When that is not entirely accurate for this situation.
My wish for you is you do learn to appreciate your relationship with CDIL for the way she treats you. She calls you every day, and makes efforts with you that I know you appreciate. That she does not treat those she feels have not earned that level of trust and respect from her (DDIL), the same as those she does (you), is not your fault or in your control. You can let it go.
At the risk of repeating myself, and others that have written along the same lines, there is simply not a place for you between CDIL and DDIL. That is a relationship they have to have between themselves, for themselves. They own the good in it, they own the bad in it.
You are sensitive to the hurt of others, and your empathy is a gift. But don't be misled, because that which you think each woman must be feeling, and so feel on her behalf along with her, is probably not even accurate. In my opinion, they each probably both experience far more frustration and disappointment in terms of losing power-struggles, than actually hurt feelings or estranged affections. Of course I don't know their true feelings, but I don't think anyone (including you, as a witness to their displays) can possibly know another woman's true inner feelings. (Though I suspect my power-struggles-between-themselves interpretation isn't too far off).
What is observed as CDIL's "coldness", is probably at least half self-protection. And perhaps vice versa. They each handle their relationship with the other the way they need to, and it has little or nothing to do with you.
The less you triangulate with the two of them, the more relief I think you'll find. The less you participate in conversations about one DIL with the other DIL, the smoother your own relationships with each will be.
They are grown, independant women, and they are very capable of choosing the relationships they want, on the level they want. And so are you!
Accept them as grown independant women who are free to do that, and breathe the sigh of a weight lifted. Yes family relationships are interwoven, but for you to carry someone else's weight
does not help them, and it does not help you.
I worry you cheat yourself out of the good relationships you do have, perhaps by imparting the expectations or wishes you have for yourself, onto others. Its not fair to CDIL, DDIL or most importantly, to 2chickiebaby! You deserve to enjoy what you do have without feeling responsible for the feelings of those in their own relationships with the same people you are.