Author Topic: Counselling  (Read 1815 times)

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Victim

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Counselling
« on: December 14, 2009, 02:55:11 PM »
My counsellor told me that the main problem is that I act with my son more like I am his partner rather then his mother. How am I doing this? All this psycho analyatical babble, I don't understand???   :'(

cremebrulee

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2009, 03:44:50 AM »
Hi Survivor
I don't know what your doing, so it's difficult to answer your question...what else did your counselor say that you are doing to cause this? 

we mother's sometimes, make our children our entire priorities all they're lives...say, 17 years or until they leave our home.  But when they do leave our homes...to join the service, get married or pursue they're dreams...remember, your job is over and it's they're lives now. 

Don't smother him...allow him....he cannot be your whole life...you must get involved in other things now, b/c NOW, it's his turn to pursue his dreams...no matter how much he leaves you out of his life....maybe if you backed off, he would respond more positively to you.

Did your mother do this to you?  I'm wondering where this culture of yours came from?  What nationality are you?  You see, times have changed...and our children are not ours to own,  we don't own them...they are not ours to interfer with...you must allow your son space and time to do what he wishes to do with his life....he cannot be with you as much as he used to be...that isn't wrong, it's simply normal and healthy. 

Equate it to mother birds...there comes a time to nurture, and then there comes a time to push them out of the nest to go forth on they're own....

Your son, has his own dreams, he cannot and is not able to live the life that you envision for him, that would be unfair, unwise and also unhealthy for both of you. 

I've read stories where Mother's of sons actually expect, that b/c they raised they're children, now they're children owe them something...meaning, money, they're time, help, etc.  They don't.  It's nice if they do help out doing things that we can't do any longer due to health problems, but if they can't or don't, then we must find another way...

Does any of this make sense to you?

What are you doing, that the counselor said that to you?

Survivor, I would like to know, what you think your rights are as a mother?  What do you expect of him?

Hugs
Creme
« Last Edit: December 15, 2009, 03:46:57 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline isitme?

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2009, 06:39:40 AM »
Survivor,
Cremebrulee has made some excellent points.  I"ve been wondering how you are doing and glad to hear you have gotten a counselor and hope this is able to help you.  MY FMIL sounds a lot like you which makes me very sad, but unlike you she and her family are unwilling to get any help for her.  But it sounds like you are trying and I'd like to keep hearing how things go.  I hope that by thinking about what your counselor said, and what cremebrulee and the other ladies on this website have added, you are able to find a way to be happy again.  I bet your son wants you to be happy.

cremebrulee

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2009, 08:42:57 AM »
It is called co-dependency and you became more dependent on your son then normal....when you made your first post, that she has taken your son away from you, I immediately thought, uh oh....and I'm being honest, not trying to hurt your feelings, just trying to help. 

It sounds to me, like you relied on him for way to much...plus relied on him for your happiness...you can't do that...he is a grown man, ready and willing to explore life his own way, without you...he now has a wife and you need to give them space...they need time to be independent of both they're parents and build they're own traditions and world...you see, what you have when two people get married, is actually two different cultures coming together, therefore, together, only the two of them, have to work out what is best for the two of them and they're family (children) regardless of whether we mothers think it is right, fair or whatever...it's their lives and it will take them years to move together into a compatible sync....

There are now boundaries which you should not cross, and to hate your DIL b/c your son fell in love with her, is not healthy or normal....a mother wants what is best for her son...(children) she want's they're happiness...and to feel confident they are happy...and I believe the sooner you adopt this way of thinking the better off you will be.

By doing what your doing, your smothering them, him....and no one wants to be smothered...

As I said before, whatever he did for you before he met you, you are now going to make adjustments...

All  our lives, until we die, change is inevidable, and change comes, some are tiny changes, some are huge changes, and human beings resist change....this is a big change in your life, and your going to have to understand, your son loves a woman...doesn't matter if you like her or not...he loves her...and that is a gift he must experience, without you...he will now be intimate mentally with her, and will no longer need his mother, and she doesn't need to make problems for them...b/c if you do, you will loose him....sorry but it's true...

I am very happy your going to counseling....but if you don't understand something your counselor has told you, then ask her to explain that to you...don't pretend to understand her when you don't, and don't be embarrassed to ask her questions. 

Your feeling have probably come from the way you were raised, but you have to remember, your son, is a totally new generation, and needs to be himself and express himself to live his life....

I really do hope I've helped in some small way, and that you understand.

again, what culture are you?  Nationality...that could explain a lot.

Our children, are not ours to own, and they owe us nothing but respect...which doesn't mean, they HAVE to take care of us....it is not they're job to do so.

It is they're turn to live they're lives...I repeat....They're turn...and we must allow them to do so....


Offline isitme?

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2009, 12:43:48 PM »
I found this quote the other day....thank you for thinking of me isitme?

"Never too old, never too sick, never too bad, never too late to start from scratch and begin again"
- Bikram Choudhury

Good for you Survivor!!!!!

BF and I are going to counseling tonight for the first time.  His mom is back to not speaking to me and they had a horrible conversation last night where all she did was yell at him and all he did was say "okay" from time to time.  Then when he hung up, he said he hated his life and was really depressed.  How can his mom do that to him?  The more I read about narcissistic personality disorder, the more I think she has it and has had it his whole life...  He kept saying - "Does't she realize how unhappy she is making me?"  I tried to reassure him that she did love him but that she coulnd't realize what effect she was having because she is sick.  I coulnd't say much more - let's see what the counselor says today.

I'm so glad you are trying to "begin again" Survivor - I think BF and I will try to start over again too! 

lilyofthevalley

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2009, 01:11:41 PM »
It was mentioned that your son had to pursue his goals and step away, but one thing to also consider is this is your chance to pursue your goals.  Remember those things we had before we had children.  What did you want to do?  I wanted to learn to fly, and I just found out my husband is going to give me flying lessons for Christmas.  Think back to those days and look at pursuing the things that you've always wanted. It will help you become a separate person and let you have fun.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2009, 01:50:49 PM »
Isitme,
Why in the world is his Mother yelling at him?  Not that it matters, she should not do that! but just wondering what in general was she yelling about? 


just2baccepted

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2009, 02:20:51 PM »
Survivor it sounds like everyone is giving you good advice.  Counseling helps a lot when you're having trouble in life.  I'm glad that you're willing to work on your issues.  I think b/c of that you'll be able to maybe salvage your relationship with your son and DIL, hopefully.

I wish my MIL was willing to look at what she's done wrong.  I like what Creme said about not hating your DIL simply b/c he fell in love with her.  I think my MIL would never admit that but I believe that's why she can't accept me.  If I was just say her co-worker or something then she might like me.  But as my DH said, its the role that I play in his life that causes her to hate me so much.  It just so sad.  But congrats to you for actually wanting to heal the relationship.  I'm starting to reach a point to where I'm getting sick of moaning about my problem with her and ready to do something.

Offline isitme?

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #8 on: December 16, 2009, 06:42:33 AM »
Isitme,
Why in the world is his Mother yelling at him?  Not that it matters, she should not do that! but just wondering what in general was she yelling about?

she gets mad about everything - sounds like your DIL actually - everyone has to walk on eggshells around her.

She is unhappy with me because I"m not "respectful" or good enough for her family.  HE is not good because he is going into academics and is not focusing on making tons of money as a doctor and because he is with me.  Or because he needs to lose a few pounds (not really), or he didn't call her, or he "lied" to her about having to go to work and not calling her.  Any  number of things. BF will always say - "she's not yelling" because she doesn't really raise her voice.  But what do you call it when someone is constantly berating and belittling you without giving you any opportunity to respond and talking over you when you do try to speak up, no matter how respectfully?

« Last Edit: December 16, 2009, 06:45:00 AM by isitme? »

Offline isitme?

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #9 on: December 16, 2009, 06:48:39 AM »
I wish my MIL was willing to look at what she's done wrong... I think my MIL would never admit that but I believe that's why she can't accept me.... I'm starting to reach a point to where I'm getting sick of moaning about my problem with her and ready to do something.

Just2be - Yesterday our counselor brought up the idea of bringing FMIL into counseling - we both just laughed at the thought.  She is the same as your MIL - will not admit to any wrongdoing.  I hope you are figuring out a way to do something!  It helps to vent  out feelings but at the end of the day, we should not allow ourselves to be abused like this.  But how can we do that without ruining a relationship between a mother and her son?  I hope some of the MILs can give us some insight into this.  Unfortunately, those that DO have insight into these issues don't seem to be the problem in the MIL-DIL equation....

cremebrulee

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #10 on: December 16, 2009, 08:09:51 AM »
Survivor it sounds like everyone is giving you good advice.  Counseling helps a lot when you're having trouble in life.  I'm glad that you're willing to work on your issues.  I think b/c of that you'll be able to maybe salvage your relationship with your son and DIL, hopefully.

I wish my MIL was willing to look at what she's done wrong.  I like what Creme said about not hating your DIL simply b/c he fell in love with her.  I think my MIL would never admit that but I believe that's why she can't accept me.  If I was just say her co-worker or something then she might like me.  But as my DH said, its the role that I play in his life that causes her to hate me so much.  It just so sad.  But congrats to you for actually wanting to heal the relationship.  I'm starting to reach a point to where I'm getting sick of moaning about my problem with her and ready to do something.

I've been moaning about my problem with my DIL for years, b/c every stinking time I tried something, it backfired and was received with more anger and more rejection....and I read somewhere where bullies, hate it when we try to get closer to them...so, the harder I tried, the angrier it made her? 

but, I hope, I really do hope, your situation is different and you do get somewhere with this....please keep us informed as to what you did...

and I have an idea...when she does something that upsets you, why don't you write it down, keep a list and then if you two ever get to discuss it, tell her "These are the things that I don't understand why you did them, could you help me understand?".



just2baccepted

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #11 on: December 16, 2009, 08:54:56 AM »
[ but, I hope, I really do hope, your situation is different and you do get somewhere with this....please keep us informed as to what you did...

and I have an idea...when she does something that upsets you, why don't you write it down, keep a list and then if you two ever get to discuss it, tell her "These are the things that I don't understand why you did them, could you help me understand?".

I [/quote]

 
 
I realize that the MIL/DIL situation is different in terms of confrontation.  I know that it would be very difficult to a MIL to confront her DIL about her behavior b/c then the MIL has to fear even more rejection and more possibility of not being able to see DS and GC. 

For me I realize that would not happen.  I guess if my MIL got ticked off that I confronted her then I wouldn't be welcome in her house anymore.  My DH has said that if they ever did that then he'd not go either unless we're both welcome.  So I've come to a realization that its to my benefit to confront her on her behavior.

Creme I don't think you moan at all about your situation.  I think there's a difference between venting and moaning.  Just ask my DH, I've been moaning about this for far too long and its time to do something.   If anything Creme you've brought some wonderful insights as to why our IL's do this stuff to us.  And I just got to thinking that I have been griping about this for over a year and I have to come to some type of resolution.

I wrote down the things she's done to me.  The talking behind my back, the discouraging us from playing tennis to flying on plane and just genuinely trying to control what we do and I put them into a letter.  I finished the letter a couple days ago.  At the end of the letter I told her that I'm not asking for an apology just the common courtesy that if she doesn't like something that I've done or something I've spend my money on etc.  then she needs to come to me and discuss it with me.

I've decided to not send the letter until after the holidays b/c I know that this time of the year can be hard for people with fractured families.   So sometimes in January I will send it.  I hope it gives me some type of relief.  I need for her to know that I know that she's been talking about me behind me back and trying to tear me down to others b/c she doesn't approve of me.  I need to get it all out in the open.  Who knows maybe I won't feel the need to post on here anymore.  I've thought about sending a letter for a long time but I didn't want to deal with the guilt.  But its time to do something.

cremebrulee

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Re: Counselling
« Reply #12 on: December 16, 2009, 11:15:51 AM »
I put together a letter once, to my DIL and after I wrote it, went over and over it, b/c I didn't want to offend her.  Even had my Sister and Mother proof read it and asked them to tell me if they thought there was anything offensive in that letter, that I would amend it or take it out.  They both said, they didn't think so...it was to the point and honest.  Well, after I sent it, my son contacted me and he was so upset, not angry, but upset, and said...."Mom, don't ever please, don't ever send a letter to her again"....? 

So, what I was suggesting, is, that you write down things, and then you have your hubby proof read, and then the 3 of you sit down together, and explain to her, that you wrote some things down so you wouldn't forget. 

Yanno, also, in reading some of your posts above...she sounds like no matter what, nothing you do would please her...nothing...she finds fault with everything...and probably did the same thing to your BF while he was growing up...she is a very insecure person, and has to beat up everyone else, to make her self feel superior?