Ladies,
sorry to keep pestering you with questions, but I just can't go to the DIL support forum for this one.. I know what kind of answer I"m going to get and it won't be nice.
My FMIL finally agreed to speak to me on the phone yesterday. My BF called her up and then turned the phone over to me. This time we left it on speakerphone so both of us could hear the things she said (is that underhanded and sneaky?). When I got on the phone, I tried to be polite and said hello, how are you etc. and that I was happy to talk to her. She started berating me for only calling her when her son told her to and after about 30 seconds, she shouted "I've had enough, don't talk to me anymore!" and hung up the phone. My poor BF was flabbergasted. Then about 5 minutes later she texted him and asked him to call. She apologized and then got back on the phone with me. For the next 25 minutes, she continued to berate me for not ever calling - telling me that my behavior was not normal, and that she knew I wasn't normal and there were a lot of things that she saw about me that made her unhappy...I wasn't a good family person, I had made no effort to get to know her so I didn't care about family and I had no respect for her etc. etc. She kept on telling me that I wasn't normal. Because I didn't call her up on my own all the time. Is that a reasonable expectation?

When I tried to (respectfully) tell her I that I was sorry she was so unhappy and that she felt I hadn't tried to get to know her but that I thought I HAD made an effort .. by visiting with her family over the holidays and spending time at her home in Florida last winter and her home upstate, she shouted "Don't tell me about those times, I don't want to hear about it, I've forgotten it!"

I was calm throughout the whole conversation and kept trying to just be respectful and let her vent her frustrations. I'm glad I've reached a point where hearing her say these things no longer hurt my feelings (well, they do a little bit but I can understand that it's not me, it's her) but what can I do? My BF kept whispering to me "Just tell her you respect her and want a relationship and that she's really important to you and don't try to reason with her."

BF and I are going to go to counseling and try to figure this out, but I thought it might be good to get some of your perspectives on this...
After I talked to his mother, we had a long conversation about things - he's agreed that maybe his mother is suffering from some kind of clinical depression but says his dad will never do anything about it and that maybe he would bridge the subject with his brother sometime in the future. He doesn't want to do it now, because he thinks it's more important for us to focus on what's going on in OUR relationship (vis a vis her) and also because he doesn't want her to make the connection between my involvement and her being told she needs to seek professional help. I TOTALLY agree with the latter point but am not too sure about the idea that this can wait.
His mom's main argument against me is that I never call her and that shows I don't respect her and am not normal and do not believe in family. When she talks she sounds like she is out of touch with reality, does not want to listen to any rational response, and seems to get disproportionally upset over what she perceives as any slight.
I don't think anything I will ever do will make her happy, because fundamentally, she is an unhappy person. This makes me sad for her and her family. But to counter this particular criticism, I am perfectly happy to call her each and every day and say "hello, how are you" and let her vent her frustrations on me. It might hurt a little bit to hear her say all these bad things about me but now that I understand she is sick, it is easier to look at her behavior with pity and not anger.
Again, I don't think this is really going to accomplish anything. On the DIL support groups, I know I"m just going to be told - "too bad, so sad, tell BF that you've tried and you're done trying and now cut the bat out." But what do you ladies think? I hope our counselor can help us figure something out once we finally find one and go
