Author Topic: I am a Victim  (Read 4872 times)

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Victim

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I am a Victim
« on: December 05, 2009, 01:07:21 PM »
 :'(

My son use to take care of me until SHE came along with those others that take the attention away from ME, I do not consider them grandchildren and will NEVER say they look like ME.

They supposidly are my sons, well.........we will see.

I will proove her wrong, God is with me!!

Aisling

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2009, 03:49:20 PM »
I'm sorry, are you talking about your son and his wife, or your lover and his new ladyfriend?  Because it sounds like the latter, and that is not healthy.

Why in the world would you want to turn yourself into the enemy?  That's exactly what you're doing, by questioning your DIL's morals and your grandchildren's parentage.

By your reference to God, I'm going to assume you're some form of Judeo-Christian.  You might want, before assuming God's on your side, to consider the fact that the Bible tells people that when they're married, the most important person in their life becomes their spouse.  In fact, it's an acceptable reason to ignore "honor thy father and mother".

With all due respect, you need help.   Please find yourself a competent therapist, and try to figure out why you have such unreasonable expectations regarding your children and their responsibilities to you.

2chickiebaby

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2009, 03:49:35 PM »
I don't understand you.  You want your son to take care of you and not have a life?  You should be accepting of these kids and the one she says is his if you want to have a life with your son.  You should love your son enough to wade through the storm with him. 

It might not end well, but at least you'll have a son. 

mom2

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2009, 09:16:39 PM »
Victim,

It is not your sons responsibility to take care of you; he is grown and now has a wife. Part of loving our children is to allow them to grow up and move on with their lives.

As far as the children, it is not their fault and I feel as if you should treat them as your own since that is the situation they were put in with no fault of their own; I could love any child.

Please try to pray for God to help you stand on your own without your sons help and to, at least, love the children ( God would want that ).

Aisling

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2009, 02:45:55 AM »
No, I do not need help, I am the victim of jealousy. She does not like me and I don't know why, I have done no wrong. He is MY boy and I am his mother, she is not taking away my rights.

 :'(

If you want to have a happy and loving relationship with your son, yes, you do need help.  All you're doing now is making everyone sad and miserable.

As for what you've done to earn your DIL's dislike?  You're trying to take her place at her husband's side.  That is her place now, not yours.  You have no right to be there.  You insult her, and question whether her children are her husband's.  That's incredibly rude.  How would you have felt if your husband's mother said those things about you?

2chickiebaby

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2009, 05:25:23 AM »
Mothers don't behave this way.  Since you are a DIL in disguise, what are you trying to accomplish?   

Aisling

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2009, 05:49:52 AM »
Mothers don't behave this way.  Since you are a DIL in disguise, what are you trying to accomplish?

Why would you assume the OP is a "DIL in disguise"?  Not all DILs are evil, you know.

And, unfortunately, some mothers do behave this way.  Having given birth isn't a free pass to mental stability, and mothers can be as damaged as anyone else.

Aisling

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2009, 08:53:19 AM »
Aislin, I am going to seriously consider what you have said, maybe I do need help. I have never felt normal. I have a low self esteem and my family means so much to me because I don't have much of a life otherwise...

Where can I find a good counsellor?

Ask your GP for a referral to a counselor.  And don't be afraid to "shop around".  Not every therapist is the right fit for every patient.  It may take some time to find someone you trust and feel comfortable with--and that's okay!  It's much better to look around and find the right person than to stick with the first referral you get and go no place.

If I may offer another suggestion: there are lots of ways you can enrich your life and gain a sense of self-esteem.  Therapy is an important one, but there are lots of others.  Finding people who share your interests and hobbies, volunteering for a cause you think is worthy, taking on a part-time job, taking up an art; there are loads of options.  You can have a life outside your family and still be an awesome mom/wife/sister/etc.  In fact, you'll be even better.  You'll be happier and more energetic, you'll be able to enjoy your time with your relations better--and they'll be better able to enjoy you.  It's a win/win!  ;)

Personally, when I start feeling down about things, I make myself read some big lofty book.  It engages my intellect, and I feel like I've made productive use of my time.  And not being able to work, I have way too much free time on my hands.  I've found a new creative outlet (I used to be an artist, but my hands don't work so well anymore) in coloring line art my artist friends draw.  I'm not very good at it yet, but that isn't really the point.  It makes me happy.  And I write.  Stream-of-consciousness, fiction, opinion, poetry--whatever.  I like words.

The best part is, when my self-esteem is really low, I don't have to share any of this.  I can keep it all to myself until I'm ready to share.  So you don't need to worry about anyone judging you--nobody will.

Aisling

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2009, 09:08:16 AM »
I have been told that I need counselling before, but aren't they saying that due to jealousy?

I highly doubt it.  If one person said it, maybe; eventually, if enough different people all say the same thing about you, you have to look at what they all have in common: you.

I was embarrassed, so I took away what I said.....also, for a moment I didn't believe it. But after what you read I realized that you are being kind to me. I don't know that I deserve your kindness  :'(

I have re-read what I wrote, should I bring these in to counselling when I find one? I will admit some more.

I spend ALL DAY obsessing about how much I hate my DIL, and the wrongs that I feel have been done to me. I am tired of living this way. There has to be more to life then this.

Would my life be better if I get help? would I re-gain contact with my grandkids?

I think there's no shortage of kindness to be had in the world, and everyone's entitled to a shot or two at mine. ;)

Spending all day obsessing about hatred?  That sounds like a horrible, sad way to live.  I feel sad just thinking about it.  There absolutely is more to life.  Life is a good and wonderful thing, if you know how to look at it.

Your life would absolutely get better if you go to therapy and are willing to work and change.  I won't lie, it's going to be hard.  At times, it's going to hurt.  And it probably won't be quick.  But it will be worthwhile.

I can't promise it will get you back in anybody's good graces, but I can promise you this: you've got a chance if you can change.  You haven't got much chance at all the way things are right now.

Aisling

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2009, 09:27:48 AM »
I don't know what to say, no one has ever been this kind to me before.

Maybe it was due to my behavior. I will be very relieved to give this obsessing up, it is so painful.

My DIL and my son do not bother with me anymore and I have lost access to my grandchildren. I do nothing all day but obsess and knitting use to be fun but I don't have anyone to knit for anymore. :'(

I will do anything to be the healthy person I once was. What happened to me? Is it old age? I am 74 and I didn't think I was that old for things like this to happen. It has been like this for the last 5 years. Am I ill?

Most of the hospitals around here are happy to accept baby blankets from avid knitters and crocheters.  There's lots of people who need nice warm things for their babies.  I bet if you asked around where you life, you could find a few places to donate items.

I'm not a doctor, and I can't diagnose you with anything.  But it's possible that you're ill, yes.  It could be a chemical imbalance in your brain, it could be due to changing hormones, it could be the beginnings of Alzheimer's or dementia; it could be a lot of things.  I don't want to scare you.  It's probably nothing serious.  It might mean you get to take a(nother) colorful pill every day.  But going to your doctor and telling him what's been happening--and yes, absolutely print out and bring your posts here so he can see for himself how you've been feeling--is the first step to getting better.

And then you'll know, and will be able to get better.

Unfortunately, nobody's really "too young" to have some of these problems.  My younger sister has a chemical imbalance in her brain, and has since she was born, because her pituitary gland doesn't work right.  She went through absolute Heck at school before she was properly diagnosed.  Knowing what's wrong and being able to treat it with a simple medication has been a life-saver for her.  Before they knew, she was almost unmanageable.  She'd get violently angry, and she had almost no scholastic talents.  Afterward, her grades shot up, her temper leveled off, and she's usually a pleasant and personable young lady these days.  I never used to think she'd survive this long, nevermind become someone I kinda like. ;)

So I really, truly hope you call your doctor tomorrow and get the ball rolling on this.  You'll feel so much better.

mom2

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2009, 07:57:24 PM »
Maybe it was due to my behavior. I will be very relieved to give this obsessing up, it is so painful.

Victim,

It is hurtful for all of us but we have to find a way to deal with it and if counseling would help you then I say ' go for it " that's wonderful.

We have to move on with life. Anger and stress are killers !

I know you want to be a part of your son and grand childrens lives but if that doesn't happen it is not the end of the world.. change to make yourself a better person and when that happens then you can cope with anything.!! Best of luck and keep us posted.

2chickiebaby

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2009, 08:20:36 PM »
yes, Victim, anger and stress are killers. 

Kinzey

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2009, 07:19:26 AM »
Just out of curiosity Victim, was has your daughter in law done to make you upset?

Offline isitme?

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #13 on: December 07, 2009, 09:02:08 AM »
Victim,
Your posts make me feel very sad because I feel like my FMIL could be posting these things about me.  I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt all year long and be kind to her despite the fact that she has said mean things about me from the start and tried to break up my relationship with her son.  I have given up but I"m sure in her mind, I am the terrible one coming in between her and her son.  I never wanted that to happen.  I came to this webpage trying to understand her point of view and found reassurance from many of the women on this page that 1) not all MIL's are crazy and some DO have insight into their behaviors 2) sometimes it IS the DIL's fault, and 3) I am not that type of DIL and it's NOT me..

Since you removed some of your posts, I didn't see everything your read but you sound exactly like my FMIL - I want her to be happy - for her son's sake, for the rest of her family's sake and also for HER sake.  I dont' know if I will be able to convince anyone that she should go to counselling but I"m glad you are thinking of it.  At the end of the day, it's up to us to make ourselves happy.  The happier you are, maybe the more your son and DIL will want to spend time with you?  Who wants to spend time with someone who is so unhappy that they spend all their time making the people around them miserable? 

I hope you are able to find some help and that this help is able to bring you back closer to your family.  And if you have any advice for what I can do to make my own FMIL try to be a happier person, I would appreciate that too.  Someone on the webpage once said that there are a lot of surrogate MIL's and DIL's here and I certainly think that is true!

cremebrulee

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Re: I am a Victim
« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2009, 09:48:42 AM »
I'm very sorry your going thru this...
what worries me, is this...
Has your FMIL agreed to go to counseling?  If not, I think that you both should go together...maybe not at first, but it should be your goal...and here are my reasons....

usually, a person as your FMIL, will not agree to go Period, they will state, they don't have any problems, that it's all everyone else's fault.

But, if you can get her to go, boy would that be a foot in the right direction....for both of you....reason being....it's real easy to fool a counselor when the other person involved isn't there.

My DIL did it...when she and my son went when they were first married.  And believe me, these people who are like your FMIL and my DIL can be very destructive and manipulative to the lives of others, without batting an eyelash.

Also, please remember, I've been going thru this for 12 years....I've lost my son to a degree...my DIL actually sees to it, she does as much damage to our relationship as she can.  These people are very sick and dysfunctional....therefore, you must realize, if you marry her son, you and he are in for a whole lot of problems....so, you've got to set the ground rules way before your married...and that doesn't always hold water....

I was talking to a friend the other night, and she told me her DIL doesn't care for her...then she proceeded to say, she simply stops by their house, unannounced....now that may have worked when our children were single....but honestly, it's a big no no....

There is no way anyone should stop by anyone's house without calling first....it's rude...and they might not be up for company...but most of all, MIL's must remember....it's not just your son's house, but there is another person in his life now, so it is her home to. 

I dread what may be in the future for you...and hope and pray, you don't have to experience life with a very deluded MIL...

Good luck and Bless you
you sound like a very nice young lady.

Creme