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Help....Do I let them know how we feel..????

Started by Goldenmom13, June 30, 2011, 05:53:08 pm

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June 30, 2011, 05:53:08 pm Last Edit: June 30, 2011, 05:57:58 pm by luise.volta
I will try to make this as short as possible. My DS is married for 3 years . I have a granddaughter who will be 10 months old in September, 2011. 9 months ago,My DH and I invited my DS, DIL and grand daughter to spend part of our yearly week in Maui with us. I spoke to my DS only to make the invite ( which I now know was a mistake..I should have talked to both of them) My son said yes..it would be a great time for us to bond with our GD for several days in a row since we live far away and are only able to see GD 1-2 times per month. Now my daughter-in-law tells me that she and DS and GD are coming to Hawaii (BTW, her parents invited themselves without talking to DH and me and they see the baby everyday)and will only be able to see us one day since our vacations now overlap. We can't change our vacation dates because it is a fixed week at a timeshare. My DH and I are very upset and I want to talk to both my DIL and DH and tell them how disappointed we are...but I just don't know if I should say ANYTHING. My DH wants to call our DS and tell them what spoiled brats they are and how dare her parents invite themselves and that we are treated like 2nd class citizens (My DIL is very immeshed with her parents and she and my DS work with her parents. Her parents are also very wealthy. I need some advice!!! HELP!!!


Welcome - I personally would tread very carefully since the deck is already stacked in their favor and you don't want to start WW lll and see even less of them. Others may not agree with me but I would just put up with it and write it off as a lesson. You have learned that you need to communicate more clearly with them both. However, I'm not sure that will change anything in the future. It may already be a set pattern of her family dominating everything they do and everywhere they go.

Money talks, employment talks, proximity talks. Sad but true. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Keys Girl

I wouldn't call and use the phrase "spoiled brats" although I think they are. 

I think the wealth effect is hard to fight.  I would lower my expectations for them.  We are on this forum because our sons, daughters and their spouses aren't always interested in spending time with us and sometimes use the grandchildren as a weapon.

I have learned that hope and expectations can lead to disappointment and resentment.

Good luck, and don't be afraid to surrogate grandparent some other young kids in your neighbourhood, biology isn't everything.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown


This dynamic is familiar to me as well. Unfortunately I think no matter what you say or how you say it you'll end up looking like a bitter, jealous, & whiney person which will justify any future poor treatment of you by DIL & her FOO. I'm so sorry your hard-earned vacation isn't turning out the way you'd hoped. Scream into a pillow, take a long walk, post here, whatever you need to do...but don't say anything to DS, DIL, or her Ps. That's just my opinion.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lancaster lady

Hi GM.....

I would look on this a s a learning curve , and goodness knows how long they can be !
Just enjoy the one day you will have , and don't let this spoil your holiday .
There will be other times , and holidays to share .
Are they aware that you would like to see more of your GD ? Sometimes these things go unnoticed . However once or twice a
month is considered normal , or generous on this Forum .
Enjoy this holiday , and plan the next one , now you know what not to do .....:)


Welcome GM.  If you haven't had a chance to do so, please read the "Forum Agreement" under "Open Me First".  There is nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all new members to read it.

I'm with the others.  I'm afraid anything you say will make things worse.  Since you recognize that DIL is so involved with her FOO, then she is just acting normal.  It's not fair, it doesn't make it feel any better, but it is what it is.  The only person that will be able to resolve this is your DS. 

I have to ask, are they trying to stay at your home?  Since you said that they invited themselves without talking to you or your DH?  I'm asking because if they are not, well then I'm not understanding why you would think they should have asked you.  If they are, well then that is where you do have some say so.  I do understand that DS and/or DIL should have called after DS already made plans with you and apologized for changing plans on you. 

As far as you asking DS and not DIL, I'm not going to say much on that as we have had that discussion here before.  IMO, I think it is fine for a Mother to ask her Son about plans without asking DIL.  DS should have told you that he would talk to DIL and get back with you.  DIL has a right to be upset with DS for saying they would do something with you without talking to her first.  She should be upset at DS, not you. I always say that's a DS/DIL problem and should work both ways.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I don't think you should say anything and please try to get over your feelings of hurt and betrayal before you see them next. You want your time with them to be pleasant, not fraught with negative emotions just under the surface. People don't like to be around angry people.

I bet it never occurred to them that her Ps shouldn't come along. They don't get the whole GP thing and wouldn't think that this was just a vacation for his side of the family. Try not to think the worst of them. Just assume they did it out of ignorance and let it go. Next time make it clear that the invitation only extends to DS, DIL and GC.

Poo is right, you didn't do anything wrong by asking just your DS, but he should have consulted with his W before committing to anything. That is between them. Next time, if you extend an invitation to you DS, you should say, "Let me know what your answer is after you talk to DIL."

DH and I are going to be struggling with something like this when we go see SD this winter. Last time we made the trip, we met them at MIL's home. This meant the entire clan was there for a week and the clan is huge (DH has 6 siblings and they all have kids). It was great seeing them, but we didn't really get any one on one time with GD or SD and SIL. This time, we want to visit them alone, but his parents live about 6 hours away from SD and if they find out we are going to be there, they will come and probably bring along some kids and grandkids. This will mean that DH and I will just be another couple of adults in the room to GD. We really don't want this, we want to spend as much time as we can with just SD and her little family. I don't know how DH is going to handle this with SD, because if MIL finds out, it will be from SD.

Before you ask, DH and MIL are not close and for that to change they would both have to unbend a bit, and neither is willing to do that. FIL simply isn't that into DH. So, not seeing them is what he wants, because MIL will create drama that he wants to avoid. She would make the trip all about her. I don't mind them. We aren't close and that is because we live so far away, but I don't dislike them and we get along when we see each other.

The two things I think you need to avoid here is carrying your anger and hurt feelings around and letting them fester. All it harms is you. And, don't make this all about you. Essentially, don't be needy or demanding. These two things easy to do, but they are bad mistakes in MIL land. By being that kind of person, you become someone who is difficult to be around, and the consequence is that no one will be around you. You will lose exactly what you want so badly. So, let the anger and hurt feelings go and enjoy what time you have with them. Make sure that they enjoy every second they are with you so that they will want to come back and will regret scheduling things the way they did.


Take the high road.  Take the classy road.  Prepare a picnic lunch for everyone, including her Ps, and revel in how great and generous you are!!  Enjoy your day!!


Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I read your post a few times and I can understand your disappointment.  Though you won't get the vacation you  want, it does sound like you do get to see your GD on a semi regular basis.  Without knowing too many details, it just sounds like your DS and DIL weren't thinking.  If your relationship is normally ok, they may just not understand how much this meant to you.  Sometimes it's hard to think outside of our own feelings and thought processes.  It does just seem like ignorance to me.  Next time perhaps be clearer about what you are really looking for and depending on how your DS is with communicating, involve your DIL. 


Welcome amflautist.  Welcome GM.  If you haven't had a chance to do so, please read the "Forum Agreement" under "Open Me First".  There is nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all new members to read it.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Are you paying for their vacation?
Are they staying with you?
Did you tell DS, right away, that you're disappointed you won't get to spend more time with them?


Today I came up against a similar, yet smaller in scope, situation and I should have taken my own advice to shut up and let it go.

DS & DIL made plans with us to attend an event. A few days ago I asked if they wanted to get together for a bit beforehand since we wouldn't be able to visit once the event got rolling. We didn't solidify plans, but DS knew for sure that DH & I were hoping for more time w/them. It turns out they will be hanging out with DIL's FOO (apparently it just now came up) and won't have time to visit w/us beforehand.

I said something. Yup, I knew I shouldn't, but I'm sick and tired of being pushed aside in favor of DIL's fabulous FOO. I totally get that DS & DIL would rather hang out in fabulousness than come to our house, but it still hurts and I'm having a hard time getting over it. >:(    I hope I can keep my emotions and words in check when we do see them later! The thing is, I must accept that this is how it is and forever will be, since we cannot ever hope to provide the same goodies DIL's FOO can.

Thanks all for being here...just when I think I'm progressing I take a few steps back; so grateful to have a safe place to admit it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


I think of the song in the Disney movie - Alice in Wonderland - that came out in the 50s..."I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it. That's explains the trouble I am always in..."

My theme song, Pen.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

Pen :

I think you should speak up ...if you don't , they might think you are perfectly happy with the situation .
I couldn't stand my situation any more ...hence the showdown .
Then they noticed me , that's for sure !