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Some Advice

Started by Victim, December 02, 2009, 11:51:10 am

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Ever since my DIL came around things have not been the same. I just want things to be the same as they were.

What I can I do to rectify this situation?
My heart is broken  :'(


Can you be happy for your son that he found a person to share his life with? His happiness is probably what you always wanted for him.

He will always love his mom.


I can only speak for myself but yes, of course we're happy that he found someone.  I only wish we could be a part of their lives, that's all.

It is very hard to raise a child and give that child everything you have and then have a young woman walk in and treat you with disrespect.  You will understand, maybe not now but you will if you have children.

You will never know, until you have a child how much love you have.  All you ask is that they will be happy and that you can watch them in their happiness and love the children they have.


I hate to say it, but things won't be the same.  Your son is married, you now have a DIL, your son has new responsibilities, and you have a new role.  You can mourn what's gone or embrace what you have.  In each phase of our kids lives, we could mourn what we don't have anymore (no longer getting to feed them and have that bond, no longer getting to drive them to school when they get their license/start taking the bus, no longer being "cool" when they're teenagers, etc) or we can celebrate that they're growing up and becoming the wonderful adults they're meant to be.  And I've found the old saying to be true....if you love someone, set them free, and if they return, it's meant to be.  The less I smother my children (interesting that it's one letter from mother, huh?) the more they want to be around me.

I hope you're able to accept this new situation and embrace it.  It can be wonderful.  Certainly I've had moments with my DIL where I've felt hurt, and she's probably had some, too.  But the more I'm willing to talk, to try to see things from the younger generation's point of view, etc, the more willing they are to try to make things work with me.  I've raised two adults, and in about a year I'll be done with mothering totally.  I don't plan to stop being their mom in title, but my time to actively mother is over.  I wouldn't breastfeed a 12 year old or try to teach my 18 year old his multiplication tables.  Those acts of mothering are no longer appropriate for that age.  Likewise, I won't try to tell my 27 year old son and DIL how to arrange their schedules or what to do.  If my son was 17, it's more appropriate for the age.  Now, it's not. 

I guess what I'm saying is to look at this as an opportunity and a success.  You've raised your son to be an adult.  You did your job, the one you took on all those years ago.  Congratulations.


I have tried to "embrace it", like you say to do.  I think that's the best way forward for me.  I'm not looking to be his Mother in that sense but I do expect and deserve repect from his wife and until I can get it, I'll keep searching for answers about what in the world made our son marry a troubled young woman in the first place?

After all, I raised him and sent him out into the world. Up to that point, all was well.  He got off track and I need to know what I did wrong for that to happen.  I might want to whine forever, I don't know.  I will alert you all when I'm through.   


The less I smother my children (interesting that it's one letter from mother, huh?) the more they want to be around me.

Oh my  goodness I could not have put that better.  I think you hit the nail on the head.  Nobody wants to be smothered or guilted into a relationship with another person.  No matter how much you love someone you can't force yourself on them.   If they don't want to be apart of your life you have to find a way to move on and make peace with that.  I know its hard though.


I absolutely agree, can't force someone or guilt someone into loving you or wanting to be around you.  It doesn't work and yes, you have to move on for reasons of self-preservation.

I think you know, though, as with any relationship, be it your husband and his love for you or the love you have for your family, if suddenly the relationship ended and it was nothing you did, you would have to spend some time reflecting on it and likely grieving until you're done.

That's what I have done with this board....I'm trying to move on.  There has been no "smothering" here. 


OK, here's the deal - I did not smother. DS says it's DIL's problem, not ours. Please don't assume that every MIL is an evil, smothering monster. We're not stupid - we know one doesn't breastfeed a 12 year old, as one example put it. I'm so tired of people jumping in and not reading previous posts. Before giving advice and telling us what and who we are, find out about our situations and try to learn something from our experiences. Some of us are in real pain here, pain we wouldn't wish on anyone, but pain we know is possible if one has sons. May your experience be gentler and kinder.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Dear Anna,
Since you and I seem to have the same personality type, I thought I'd tell you what the counselor told me when I visited.  "Stop trying to engage her!!!"

Remember?  I did that this Thanksgiving.  I tend to be the type where I try to make the other person happy and bring them into the conversation, etc.  People who love me love that about me.  I obviously have done this to the wrong person!

The Aunt I love so much told me about her situation she had with her DIL.  My Aunt and Uncle had 4 boys so naturally, when they got a DIL, they were thrilled.  When DIL had her first child, it was a girl!!! Oh joy!!!!

But, her DIL thought Aunt was trying to "get her daughter away from her".  HUH?  So, one Christmas, the DIL and her DH (Aunt's son) drove clear across the state to keep from going to Aunt and Uncle's house.  It was nuts.

Now, they are close friends, which is good.  The thing that makes our situation different is that Aunt does not put up with smart mouths.  She will tell you off.  I need to learn either that behavior or learn to keep my facial expressions of sorrow, hurt, disappointment, fear under control. 

It's written all over my dang face.  :P